question on modifying a custody order

[cystella]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

I have a few questions on modifying a custody order.

I have sole custody of my daughter who is 9 years old. I have had sole custody since i filed when she 1. her father (we were never married)has not seen her since she was 1 and a half, he has made no effort to see her, no cards , letters, phone calls , nothing the only time we speak is when he is calling to complain about the child support. The only time he pays the child support is when he is forced to do so, by going to court or when they take actions against him like suspending his drivers license ect.

The custody order say he has mutually agreed visitation for time and place.

He recently started to pay child support again because they suspended his drivers license, froze his bank account, and flagged his taxes. i did not take it to court CSU did it. He called me and said he now wants visitation, and to take her to his parents for the summer because hes is being made to pay child support. (i think it is an empty threat he has done it before.)

I would like to know if i modify the custody order, can i terminate visitation rights, or restrict them. i do not want him to come and disrupt her life and cause problems just to disappear again.She doesn't know who he is, Ive never spoke of him because he said he wanted nothing to do with her. I was waiting till she got a Little older to talk about this with her, but I'm going to have to now even thought i don't think she is mentally ready.

i also would like to know if i need the custody order to say if i can move out of state, my boyfriend and i are saving money to move south don't know where yet. we would like to sell the house and move we have been looking at houses in SC.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Silverplum]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

I have a few questions on modifying a custody order.

I have sole custody of my daughter who is 9 years old. I have had sole custody since i filed when she 1. her father has not seen her since she was 1 and a half, he has made no effort to see her, no cards , letters, phone calls , nothing the only time we speak is when he is calling to complain about the child support. The only time he pays the child support is when he is forced to do so, by going to court or when they take actions against him like suspending his drivers license ect.

The custody order say he has mutually agreed visitation for time and place.

He recently started to pay child support again because they suspended his drivers license, froze his bank account, and flagged his taxes. i did not take it to court CSU did it. He called me and said he now wants visitation, and to take her to his parents for the summer because hes is being made to pay child support. (i think it is an empty threat he has done it before.)

I would like to know if i modify the custody order, can i terminate visitation rights, or restrict them. i do not want him to come and disrupt her life and cause problems just to disappear again.She doesn't know who he is, Ive never spoke of him because he said he wanted nothing to do with her. I was waiting till she got a Little older to talk about this with her, but I'm going to have to now even thought i don't think she is mentally ready.

i also would like to know if i need the custody order to say if i can move out of state, my boyfriend and i are saving money to move south don't know where yet. we would like to sell the house and move we have been looking at houses in SC.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

If Dad files to claim his rights to parent his child, he will get them. It's not too late at all. He's her father.

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

I have absolutely NO legal advice for you, but I do have some ethical advice. Let your daughter know who her father and grandparents are. You might not like it, but would you rather have your daughter furious with you when she gets older and she wants to find her dad?

Sorry, I know I'm a newbie, I just can't stand the thought of a child not being allowed to get to know her Dad and Grandparents.

 

[cystella]

I have absolutely NO legal advice for you, but I do have some ethical advice. Let your daughter know who her father and grandparents are. You might not like it, but would you rather have your daughter furious with you when she gets older and she wants to find her dad?

Sorry, I know I'm a newbie, I just can't stand the thought of a child not being allowed to get to know her Dad and Grandparents.

thanks for the advice.

i do agree she should know who her father is, Ihave saved a box of pics and stuff that was his from when we were together for her, i just didnt know when the right time to tell her was. as for the grandparents i tried to have them see her many times years ago and they would tell me to leave when i went to their house and not to call when i called them.

 

[Silverplum]

I have absolutely NO legal advice for you, but I do have some ethical advice. Let your daughter know who her father and grandparents are. You might not like it, but would you rather have your daughter furious with you when she gets older and she wants to find her dad?

Sorry, I know I'm a newbie, I just can't stand the thought of a child not being allowed to get to know her Dad and Grandparents.

Good, sensible advice is simply good, sensible advice.

 

[Newlydivmomto4]

thanks for the advice.

i do agree she should know who her father is, Ihave saved a box of pics and stuff that was his from when we were together for her, i just didnt know when the right time to tell her was. as for the grandparents i tried to have them see her many times years ago and they would tell me to leave when i went to their house and not to call when i called them.

So the grandparents were denying she is their grandchild. Shiot happens, life goes on, people (and parents) make mistakes don't make the mistake of keeping her from the knowledge. If you were to die today, what would happen to your daughter, how confused would she be that you did not allow her to know her father.

As far as the pictures go, last time I checked, a picture cannot talk back to you and say "I love you sweetie."

 

[CJane]

The custody order say he has mutually agreed visitation for time and place.

If this is what the papers say, his visitation is ALREADY restricted. If you don't MUTUALLY AGREE, there is no visitation.

And while I think it's a good idea to attempt to foster a relationship between the child and her father, I don't think it would be that difficult to argue that spending the summer w/someone whom she's essentially never met, but who would be parenting her would not be in her best interests.

If Dad is serious about visitation, let him know that the opportunity exists, and that if he's willing to stick to a graduated schedule, you're willing to entertain the idea of an extended summer visit. See how it goes.

As far as relocating, it's my understanding that NY is one of the LEAST move-away friendly states out there. If Dad fights a relocation - it won't happen.

 

[cystella]

If Dad is serious about visitation, let him know that the opportunity exists, and that if he's willing to stick to a graduated schedule, you're willing to entertain the idea of an extended summer visit. See how it goes.

.

when he said he wanted to see her, i offered to take it to court and see if the judge would set up supervised visitation for the time being, he refused and said he wouldnt allow it. he wants to take her over 3 hrs away by himself. i also asked to set up a counsling session with all of us after i told her about the whole situation and he refused.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? New York

I have a few questions on modifying a custody order.

I have sole custody of my daughter who is 9 years old. I have had sole custody since i filed when she 1. her father (we were never married)has not seen her since she was 1 and a half, he has made no effort to see her, no cards , letters, phone calls , nothing the only time we speak is when he is calling to complain about the child support. The only time he pays the child support is when he is forced to do so, by going to court or when they take actions against him like suspending his drivers license ect.

The custody order say he has mutually agreed visitation for time and place.

He recently started to pay child support again because they suspended his drivers license, froze his bank account, and flagged his taxes. i did not take it to court CSU did it. He called me and said he now wants visitation, and to take her to his parents for the summer because hes is being made to pay child support. (i think it is an empty threat he has done it before.)

Well, that isn't going to happen. Right now the visitation is mutually agreed upon, and since he is a total stranger to her you would be prefectly within your rights (and the rights of your child) to insist that he get to know your child on a gradual basis...gradually working up to a standard type of visitation plan.

There is no court out there that is going to order you to send your child to the paternal grandparents for the summer, when both dad and the paternal grandparents are total strangers to her.

I would like to know if i modify the custody order, can i terminate visitation rights, or restrict them. i do not want him to come and disrupt her life and cause problems just to disappear again.She doesn't know who he is, Ive never spoke of him because he said he wanted nothing to do with her. I was waiting till she got a Little older to talk about this with her, but I'm going to have to now even thought i don't think she is mentally ready.

There is no point in you modifying the visitation rights at this time. Its already "mutally agreed upon"...see my previous response.

i also would like to know if i need the custody order to say if i can move out of state, my boyfriend and i are saving money to move south don't know where yet. we would like to sell the house and move we have been looking at houses in SC.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

You need to put that idea on the back burner for now. The reality of things, as you have already been told, is that if dad actually wants to step up to the plate now and be a father (not transfer his rights to his parents) he WILL be given the opportunity to do so.

If he does not agree to whatever plan that you would propose to reintroduce himself into the child's life, he absolutely can take it to court, and absolutely will get a plan from the court to reintroduce himself into the child's life. Odds are that any plan that the court will give him will be a "faster forward" plan than you would be comfortable with....and its also likely that any such plan would at least complicate your plans to move, or perhaps even restrict them.

 

[cystella]

I had a long discussion with my daughter about her father, and she took it very well, much better then i thought she would. she is nervous about meeting her father and i told her this was normal, and all that stuff. I set up an appt. with a councilor for her,and her father and I.

I then called her father and told him everything. He got very angry with me and said I had no right to tell her about him, and that he has told me before that he doesn't want her to know about him. This is how he has been over the past years, he can't make up his mind. I told him about the meeting with councilor and he got even more mad and said he's not going.

I asked him about setting up a schedule for visits (supervised until she get to know him) and he refused. I reminded him that he said he wanted to see her and take her for the summer to his parents, I asked if his parents want to see her now, he said they don't want anything to do with her, that they were going away for vacation for 2 weeks in the summer, and since he lives with them that where he wanted her to come, but now he doesn't want to see her. I asked why and he refused to give me an explanation.

Now I don't know what to do, I don't want to tell my daughter what he said, i don't think she needs to hear the details. How do i explain to her if he doesn't show up.I would appreciate any suggestions.

 

[Ohiogal]

What you do is just tell her a bit about her father -- not that he doesn't want to see her but how you two met and how you loved each other enough to create her and then get her in counseling.