Question

[JBMD]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OK


Well - I might be overreacting but I need some opinions just to be sure.

I had lunch with my son at school today (ex's week) and my son's teacher told me something disturbing. On Friday, my ex dropped my son off at school (late as usual) and my son came to class in tears. Teacher said that he stated that "mommy doesn't like me." Teacher sent son out of the classroom to an aide (but apparently she doesn't remember which one).

I talked to son about it and he said that when mommy dropped him off at school she told him that "she doesn't care for him anymore and that she doesn't care if he grows up to be a bad person." ... I AM LIVID and trying to find my balance! Son was upset ... I hugged him and told him that I love him and quickly changed the subject.

I am worried for my son, as the last few weeks that he has been with her have been troublesome. I went on Wed of two weeks ago and my son told me that the night prior Mommy had told him and his sister to "leave her the f*** alone" and she slammed her bedroom door and broke it. He could then hear her throwing things in her room.

She has also constantly been calling me on her days because she states that son is not behaving ... she says "he is horrible after coming from your house." I reiterate that he doesn't give me any issues. Typically, she puts son on the phone and I talk with him .... and tell him that he needs to straighten up and listen to mommy. Regardless of whether my ex and I get along ... I would never ok bad behavior.

However, last Thursday (the evening prior to the Friday episode) she called and told me that she just can't take it anymore. I went over and talked to son and try to figure out what was wrong, as apparently he was again giving her a hard time. He said that he didn't understand why he was in trouble and that mommy yells at him all the time. There was alot more conversation that went on ... but I don't want to write a book. I attempted to talk to my ex and she just sat on the couch and watched tv and really didn't seem to want to deal with it. I told her what son said and what he was feeling and she was just defensive. I was not being offensive ... i thought that she wanted me to find out what was going on with son. Apparently, she just wanted me to come over an rail on him .... wasn't going to happen ... my son and i have a very open communicative relationship.

I didn't mean to make this a book ... I just wanted to see what opinions or suggestions anyone might have for this situation.

I understand that people have bad days and that she may be stressed with 2 kids in the house and a husband out of town for work. But I have always been willing to take son to give her a break. I think she just wants to keep him with her because as she says "it's her time" but at the same time she can't handle it .... But I am just making assumptions.

I'm just very frustrated with the whole situation. I feel horrible for my son - he doesn't deserve this no matter what is going on with his mother.

 

[Just Blue]

Have you placed the child/ren in counseling to help them deal with this?

 

[truebluemd]

The relationship he has with mom is different from yours and thats just that. Its a parenting issue, and how she parents the child is, and can very well be different from yours. This is not a legal issue IMO.

 

[bononos again]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? OK


Well - I might be overreacting but I need some opinions just to be sure.

I had lunch with my son at school today (ex's week) and my son's teacher told me something disturbing. On Friday, my ex dropped my son off at school (late as usual) and my son came to class in tears. Teacher said that he stated that "mommy doesn't like me." Teacher sent son out of the classroom to an aide (but apparently she doesn't remember which one).

I talked to son about it and he said that when mommy dropped him off at school she told him that "she doesn't care for him anymore and that she doesn't care if he grows up to be a bad person." ... I AM LIVID and trying to find my balance! Son was upset ... I hugged him and told him that I love him and quickly changed the subject.

I am worried for my son, as the last few weeks that he has been with her have been troublesome. I went on Wed of two weeks ago and my son told me that the night prior Mommy had told him and his sister to "leave her the f*** alone" and she slammed her bedroom door and broke it. He could then hear her throwing things in her room.

She has also constantly been calling me on her days because she states that son is not behaving ... she says "he is horrible after coming from your house." I reiterate that he doesn't give me any issues. Typically, she puts son on the phone and I talk with him .... and tell him that he needs to straighten up and listen to mommy. Regardless of whether my ex and I get along ... I would never ok bad behavior.

However, last Thursday (the evening prior to the Friday episode) she called and told me that she just can't take it anymore. I went over and talked to son and try to figure out what was wrong, as apparently he was again giving her a hard time. He said that he didn't understand why he was in trouble and that mommy yells at him all the time. There was alot more conversation that went on ... but I don't want to write a book. I attempted to talk to my ex and she just sat on the couch and watched tv and really didn't seem to want to deal with it. I told her what son said and what he was feeling and she was just defensive. I was not being offensive ... i thought that she wanted me to find out what was going on with son. Apparently, she just wanted me to come over an rail on him .... wasn't going to happen ... my son and i have a very open communicative relationship.

I didn't mean to make this a book ... I just wanted to see what opinions or suggestions anyone might have for this situation.

I understand that people have bad days and that she may be stressed with 2 kids in the house and a husband out of town for work. But I have always been willing to take son to give her a break. I think she just wants to keep him with her because as she says "it's her time" but at the same time she can't handle it .... But I am just making assumptions.

I'm just very frustrated with the whole situation. I feel horrible for my son - he doesn't deserve this no matter what is going on with his mother.

IMO...she sounds either stressed, depressed or both.

My suggestion...tell her to try Cymbalta...worked GREAT for me!

Otherwise, I'm not sure what to tell you.

 

[summerdawn]

Do you and mom have a good relationship, can you talk to her and find out what's going on? How much parenting time does she get on a regular basis? Is she primary? Do you think she needs some sort of break? Maybe problems in her marriage? Or financially? If she isn't normally like this something could be stressing her out...try and find out what it is so you can help her be nicer to the kids?

and how old are the kids?

 

[jbowman]

Gosh, this sounds like what happened to me when I was 6 years old or so. Only I was telling my Godmother about it. Mom was yelling for no reason, crying, throwing things. I was always in trouble. While I actually have no recollection of this aside from thinking I had a mean mom, my Godmother has told me the story. She says I came to her repeatedly crying about it.

My mother had a nervous breakdown and was institutionalized for about 6 months.

I think you might want to try being as supportive as possible and see if you might be able to get thru to her. Im not saying that she is going thru what my mother went thru but jeesh, dont take the chance.

 

[stealth2]

Lots of things could be going on. Yes, Mom's stress level could be going wacky. My comment to that? Mom better sort it out as that's the way life goes sometimes. I know I had times when being effectively the only one raising my two had me tossing tantrums of my own. Not very effective and not the parent I wanted to be, so I made the effort to be better than I was. I'm still a work in progress as a parent - maybe I'll get it right before I die (a long time from now!).

If the "misbehavior" occurs around transitions, that's actually rather normal. Transitions can be hard for kids. If he sees you significantly less than Mom, it's not surprising that he gets more difficult when he goes home to her than when he goes to you. I found that having a routine when they came home helped a lot - every step of coming home was the same every time. Every thing, every time.

As for what he says Mom said to him... kids do sometimes relate things with their own interpretation, which may or may not be accurate. Well before his Dad & I split, my son told my mother that "Mom and Dad put me out when I'm bad." Needless to say, she was more than a bit concerned and probed a bit more before talking to me. He was insistent that we "put him out" when he misbehaved. We *never*! It was actually only recently that I realized what he meant. Not that we made him go outside alone when he misbehaved - that we put him in time out. A wee bit different.

Another time, I do remember telling one of them that as much as I loved them, I didn't like their behavior at the moment. How did that get relayed? "Mommy doesn't like me."

I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned. But there may be more - or less - at the root.

 

[bononos again]

Lots of things could be going on. Yes, Mom's stress level could be going wacky. My comment to that? Mom better sort it out as that's the way life goes sometimes. I know I had times when being effectively the only one raising my two had me tossing tantrums of my own. Not very effective and not the parent I wanted to be, so I made the effort to be better than I was. I'm still a work in progress as a parent - maybe I'll get it right before I die (a long time from now!).

If the "misbehavior" occurs around transitions, that's actually rather normal. Transitions can be hard for kids. If he sees you significantly less than Mom, it's not surprising that he gets more difficult when he goes home to her than when he goes to you. I found that having a routine when they came home helped a lot - every step of coming home was the same every time. Every thing, every time.

As for what he says Mom said to him... kids do sometimes relate things with their own interpretation, which may or may not be accurate. Well before his Dad & I split, my son told my mother that "Mom and Dad put me out when I'm bad." Needless to say, she was more than a bit concerned and probed a bit more before talking to me. He was insistent that we "put him out" when he misbehaved. We *never*! It was actually only recently that I realized what he meant. Not that we made him go outside alone when he misbehaved - that we put him in time out. A wee bit different.

Another time, I do remember telling one of them that as much as I loved them, I didn't like their behavior at the moment. How did that get relayed? "Mommy doesn't like me."

I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned. But there may be more - or less - at the root.

Just sharing.
This was actually yesterday.
Son has been being lazy, not taking dishes to sink, not getting his own drink or snack, basically wanting me to do everything and anything for him that a 6 almost 7 year old can do himself.
He threw a tantrum because I refused to be his maid.
"Your so mean to me." - I think I heard that phrase for a few minutes straight.

 

[summerdawn]

Lots of things could be going on. Yes, Mom's stress level could be going wacky. My comment to that? Mom better sort it out as that's the way life goes sometimes. I know I had times when being effectively the only one raising my two had me tossing tantrums of my own. Not very effective and not the parent I wanted to be, so I made the effort to be better than I was. I'm still a work in progress as a parent - maybe I'll get it right before I die (a long time from now!).

If the "misbehavior" occurs around transitions, that's actually rather normal. Transitions can be hard for kids. If he sees you significantly less than Mom, it's not surprising that he gets more difficult when he goes home to her than when he goes to you. I found that having a routine when they came home helped a lot - every step of coming home was the same every time. Every thing, every time. As for what he says Mom said to him... kids do sometimes relate things with their own interpretation, which may or may not be accurate. Well before his Dad & I split, my son told my mother that "Mom and Dad put me out when I'm bad." Needless to say, she was more than a bit concerned and probed a bit more before talking to me. He was insistent that we "put him out" when he misbehaved. We *never*! It was actually only recently that I realized what he meant. Not that we made him go outside alone when he misbehaved - that we put him in time out. A wee bit different.

Another time, I do remember telling one of them that as much as I loved them, I didn't like their behavior at the moment. How did that get relayed? "Mommy doesn't like me."

I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned. But there may be more - or less - at the root.

Boy do I agree with this. You stated that mom says that the child behaves erratically after coming home. My kids see their dad beween 3 and 6 hours per week and they come home acting like total hellions sometimes. My 6 yo especially, has always been a very emotional child and recently since dad started getting more consistent with his visits she has really been acting out. I'm going to have to try the routine suggestion to see if it helps my daughter adjust to getting back home after visits.

 

[JBMD]

Boy do I agree with this. You stated that mom says that the child behaves erratically after coming home. My kids see their dad beween 3 and 6 hours per week and they come home acting like total hellions sometimes. My 6 yo especially, has always been a very emotional child and recently since dad started getting more consistent with his visits she has really been acting out. I'm going to have to try the routine suggestion to see if it helps my daughter adjust to getting back home after visits.

While I understand that that is the case. We alternate weekly and when she has to work on her weeks, he is at my house after school. On the weeks he is with me after school and his mom picks him up from here ... there seem to be no issues. However, on weeks that he is not here at all ... i get three to four phone calls. Also note that when he is at my house after school on her weeks ... apparently there is no "transition" problem.

She has always made that statement about "him coming from my house", for some reason I suppose she thinks it makes me sound like a horrible parent. I think it just makes her feel better and maybe gives her the sense that nothing is her fault.

But transitions the other way are never an issue. He is 10 and is very much over the transition issues. Like I said before, he is very well behaved in my home, not perfect, but he's 10. He does get in trouble, but I'm not yelling at him about every little thing. The most recent behavior has only been an issue since New Years.

I think i am just going to sit on it and maybe discuss it with her this weekend. My ex and I have been getting along well since she cam back from her training last August. We have been very agreeable and I try not to tip the scale on issues with her. She typically turns to "whatever this is" when her husband is out of town. I can only assume that it is stress, but i have no idea what is going on with her. I do however not like that she is taking it out on our son!

Other child in home will be 5 in May, she is his sister with his mom and her husband.

Thanks for all your comments.

 

[JBMD]

The relationship he has with mom is different from yours and thats just that. Its a parenting issue, and how she parents the child is, and can very well be different from yours. This is not a legal issue IMO.

Parenting Issues I understand, however when she calls me telling me "she's done, she just can't handle him anymore" I'm just not sure what to do when she doesn't want to hear anything that he says. He is relatively a well behaved child!

The teachers at school have told me that they can tell when he's at my house vs her house. He's more organized and focused on the weeks he's with me. Not to mention I would never tell him I dont' care for him anymore.

 

[JBMD]

Lots of things could be going on. Yes, Mom's stress level could be going wacky. My comment to that? Mom better sort it out as that's the way life goes sometimes. I know I had times when being effectively the only one raising my two had me tossing tantrums of my own. Not very effective and not the parent I wanted to be, so I made the effort to be better than I was. I'm still a work in progress as a parent - maybe I'll get it right before I die (a long time from now!).

If the "misbehavior" occurs around transitions, that's actually rather normal. Transitions can be hard for kids. If he sees you significantly less than Mom, it's not surprising that he gets more difficult when he goes home to her than when he goes to you. I found that having a routine when they came home helped a lot - every step of coming home was the same every time. Every thing, every time.

As for what he says Mom said to him... kids do sometimes relate things with their own interpretation, which may or may not be accurate. Well before his Dad & I split, my son told my mother that "Mom and Dad put me out when I'm bad." Needless to say, she was more than a bit concerned and probed a bit more before talking to me. He was insistent that we "put him out" when he misbehaved. We *never*! It was actually only recently that I realized what he meant. Not that we made him go outside alone when he misbehaved - that we put him in time out. A wee bit different.

Another time, I do remember telling one of them that as much as I loved them, I didn't like their behavior at the moment. How did that get relayed? "Mommy doesn't like me."

I'm not saying you shouldn't be concerned. But there may be more - or less - at the root.

My son has aspergers syndrome. He is very detailed. When I told him that someone had told me that he had said "mommy doesn't like me" - he had no idea what i was talking about and adamantly said that he never said that. After discussing the situation, he realized that that was the day that mommy said " I don't care for you anymore."

I'm not trying to make this more than it is. I let the episode the other week go (door breaking and throwing), as I figured she was just having a bad day. There have been other issues, ie late for school every day he is with her, and I have in the past asked if everything was ok, explained why i was asking and reminding her that i was here if she needed a break.

I'm not trying to make her out to be a bad mom. I know that my son loves her and I would never consider keeping him away from her. I'm just trying to figure out the best way to approach the situation and if there were options if things don't go well.

 

[J2007]

JBMD:

I know how tough it is to have the kids come back from the other parents house upset about something they said/did. If she keeps saying she can't take it anymore, or wants a break.. offer to keep your son on day's when she's a little 'off'.

My ex's gf constantly fights with my ex about my children, in FRONT of my children.. and she doesn't try to candy coat anything.. my 7 yr old asked me "Why did she call me a pretty fu$*(#g princess? what did I do?". He hasn't been getting them much lately.. so they kinda forgot how 'mean' she normally is to them.. and to him (she tried to run him over, hit him with a bat, etc, in front of the kids)

Maybe your child should speak to the school guidance councilor if nothing else.. just to make sure there isn't any real abuse going on (besides verbal). Kids are resilient. The first time mom takes him to Chuck E Cheese, he may forget all about how mean she is.. and keep in mind.. 6-7 yr olds are sneaky little boogers.. mine are constantly trying to pull something off.

Good Luck!!