Remarrying and moving with a child

[JasonJ]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? NC

Myself and my fiancee plan to get married this fall/winter. We live about three hours apart and she has a 14 month old from her previous marriage. She currently has joint custody with her ex and she has informed him of her desire to remarry and move. She will be moving to me as I am in the military and cannot move. We will have to bring a motion to change their seperation agreement in order for this to happen as I cannot expect her to move without her son. I have several questions regarding all of this. First, must we already be married for a judge to even consider this, or can we go to trial being engaged with a wedding date set? Will the judge look differently on the situation if we are already married as opposed to being engaged with the promise of marriage? Also, if we are not married at the time of trial, will the amount of time in between the trial and our wedding date influence the decision? I'd appreciate any help that you can give on this matter. Thank You.

Jason

 

[karma1]

Well,....

While your situation is understandable, one would hope a judge would look at what is best for the child....which would be for both parents to have continual contact and involvement in the child's life.
I know if I was the father in this case, I would fight to keep my child close to me--especially with joint custody. JMO
What, exactly, do the court orders say about custody and visitation?

 

[JasonJ]

Thanks for the reply

The court orders have not been formulated yet, there is a seperation agreement in place with both parents having the child when the other is working, one works days, the other nights. Once we are married this will have to change. I'm tryingto figure out if we have to be married before this goes to court.

 

[Meursault]

There is no WE in this equation. Even if you are married you are not a party to her divorce/separation and won't be a party to any motion or court order.

Also, you have not mentioned if the move will be in or out of state and that is the determining factor period.

As for can SHE move during the separation, that depends entirely on the spearation agreement and the court.

 

[snostar]

First, must we already be married for a judge to even consider this, or can we go to trial being engaged with a wedding date set? Will the judge look differently on the situation if we are already married as opposed to being engaged with the promise of marriage? Also, if we are not married at the time of trial, will the amount of time in between the trial and our wedding date influence the decision? I'd appreciate any help that you can give on this matter.

"Probably not" to all your questions. At this point both parents have an ample amount of time with the child. Mom moving 3 hours away will change all of that. She will have to prove that the move would be in the best interest of the child, which is not likely when both parents currently play an active role in the child's life. She should make her wishes know in court, but I would hold off on the wedding until custody (physical/legal) has been determined by a judge.

 

[stealth2]

If there's only a separation agreement, does that mean they're not divorced yet? Or did you mis-speak?

 

[JasonJ]

The move will be in state, but we will probably try to move out of state in the future. I understand that she and I will have to prove that this is in the best interests of the child. With us, he will have no day care, his mom will not work, or work part time so he will be with her even more than he is with both of them combined now. Also, her ex is not married, so he will be forced to use daycare extensively. She has been with him for much more of his waking hours during the past year and has bent over backwards for him while she works nights. After our move, she will not have to do that and the child will be in a much more stable situation. In proving that the move is in the best interest of the child, will the judge look down on us because we are not yet married? Will this affect his decision in any way? Thanks for all the info.

 

[stealth2]

What is she thinking of offering in terms of time with the child to Dad? Of course, you both realize that she will likely be responsible for 100% of the transportation for visitation, right? Since she's creating the distance.

And still waiting to find out if they're actually divorced or not - your terminology is unclear on that point.

 

[JasonJ]

Their divorce is being finalized as we speak, their one year seperation has been over since May. She has spoken to him and has offered three weekends a month and 2-3 weeks over the summer. We will probably offer him 2 weekends a month in mediation, knowing that it will end up being three. I would move to her city, but I am a pilot in the USMC and cannot. It is a 3hr 15 min drive. We will be married no matter what the outcome of this case. We have decided that and if we have to live for three years as a married couple living apart, then that is what we will do. I have three years left on my obligation. I'm just trying to figure out how the judge will look at us in that courtroom if we are not already married.

 

[VeronicaGia]

So Jason, I have to ask you this. I'm not trying to be sarcastic, but this is something you really need to think about.

You marry this woman, and she and the child come live with you, meaning she has virtually taken the child away from his/her father. You have a child with this woman and it doesn't work out. You and she get divorced, she hooks up with guy #3 and decides he's more important than you and her current husband. She decides a move to Alaska, with the kids, is just the ticket to make HER happy.

Do you have a problem with that? If so, why are you helping this woman alienate the current father/child relationship? If not, then don't expect her to treat you any differently then she is treating her current husband, and don't complain when she moves hundreds of miles away from you with your child.

This is not about what you or she wants, this is about the best interests of the child. The child is better off with both parents having unfettered access to love and raise the child. Once again, not trying to be rude, but if you were her soon to be ex, how would you take all this?

 

[Meursault]

Their divorce is being finalized as we speak, their one year seperation has been over since May. She has spoken to him and has offered three weekends a month and 2-3 weeks over the summer. We will probably offer him 2 weekends a month in mediation, knowing that it will end up being three. I would move to her city, but I am a pilot in the USMC and cannot. It is a 3hr 15 min drive. We will be married no matter what the outcome of this case. We have decided that and if we have to live for three years as a married couple living apart, then that is what we will do. I have three years left on my obligation. I'm just trying to figure out how the judge will look at us in that courtroom if we are not already married.

And once again, the judge won't look at "US". Get this through your thick Officer skull. (I KNOW you're an officer. No elisted man can think this convoluted.) YOU ARE NOT A PARTY TO ANY COURT ACTION.

I can guarantee you that you open your mouth in a courtroom and you'll be listening through the door.

If your soon-to-be wife wants answer then fine. Sit her butt here. Otherwise, it's time you butted out. Or learn a very hard lesson when it comes time for "US" to go to court.

 

[MBMom]

Meursault is right...this should be for the mom to take care of and deal with, not you. I'm married and moved out of the state where my son's dad lives. My husband knew that however I dealt with my son's dad was for me and only me to take care of. You don't seem to be very considerate of this dad either. Even though we wanted to move, my husband still felt bad for my son's dad. I don't blame a dad for fighting it. But again, you should be letting the mom deal with this. It's not your problem.

 

[stealth2]

Oh yeah, this is a train wreck waiting to happen. She's not even divorced yet, and y'all are already engaged and planning to marry in a matter of months. The success rate of second marriages is horrid - partially because people insist on rushing into it. I know, I know - you're in luuuuuuv and it won't happen to you. That's what everyone says. But go look at the stats and rein things in. If y'all are that much in love and it's a lasting relationship - it will survive some time before tying the knot. You're asking for trouble.

 

[JasonJ]

Hey all, thanks for the info, I'm just trying to get some of my questions answered. I understand what you all are saying to me and I understand that this is her child and she is the one who must handle this. I do know that I will have to go into that courtroom because the judge is going to want to see me and probably ask me questions. I will also be in there to support my fiancee. She is doing this, and I am in a support role only. And I have thought a great deal about the child's relationship with his father and that does concern me. And you're right, I am in love, and so is she, and we are going to get married. I'm trying to look at this from the judge's point of view. Does it matter if we are or are not married in that courtroom? Thanks again.

 

[karma1]

Okay...

No one can tell you if a judge will do and regardless of whether you are married or not to mom, it is highly unlikely you will go before a judge because you are NOT a party to any court actions. (At least, unless there are questions pertaining to your treatment of the child and that sort of thing---this is what I have experienced and seen in court.)
What I do see happening though, is that mom will have recent court orders regarding custody/visitation due to finalizing divorce proceedings, correct? Now, in this final divorce decree, is there any mention of move-aways? Taking child out of a certain area? If so, I would think a judge might not be so understanding to amend a recent order to justify mom moving.
Again, I have to see this from dads perspective--here he is, getting everything finalized after a year and oopsies, mom wants to move.....if I remember correctly, you are in the military and if the child is only 14 months old, you have not known this mom very long. I would think a judge might look at this as a negative. Folks in the military move all the time, so this short move might not be the last.
But, again, no one can tell you what a judge might or might not consider important.....but I suspect mom will have to have a stronger arguement than "I'm in love and need to move to be with my man" thing, in regards to changing what obviously will be a final, recent divorce agreement.
Stranger things have happened in family law courts though....