Residential Custody and Deployment

[Arin08]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? West Virginia

I am leaving to go to basic training in less than 2 weeks. My ex husband and I divorced in 2004 in the state of Ohio, and agreed on a shared parenting plan. In February 2005, he moved to Northeast Tennessee which caused us to go to mediation. Since he was now going to be 6 hours away from us, I was designated residential parent of our 2 sons. This past April (2008) I moved up to West Virginia to be closer to my family. My ex-husband live about 10 hours away from eachother and we have a halfway meeting point to exchange the children. I am trying to regain financial control of my life and have found that between bonuses and higher education, plus a permanent job opportunity with great health and life insurance benefits, I could enlist in the army and get back on my feet, which will benefit my boys greatly.

I have been up front about my intentions from the moment I contacted a recruiter. My ex husband has never said he opposes me going into the army; nor did he say it was ok with him as far as where my boys would stay. He even said he was proud of me for doing so. I have mentioned several times to him that my parents, who also live here, would be willing to meet him so that his visitation time would not be disrupted due to my absence while at basic training. Since he never said anything opposing this, I assumed that he was ok with my parents keeping the boys. Once I became enlisted, (and now he knows I can't back out even if I wanted to) he stated to me that I was out of line and that I was not in control like I thought I was with respect to having my parents watch the boys while I was gone. He further went on to state that I should have asked him permission to allow the boys stay at home, with my parents. The boys attend school up here, they love where we live and they like their school and teachers. My ex husband has threatened that if my parents do anything wrong, he would come up and take the boys when I leave for basic training. (He doesn't get along with my mother and I feel like he would try to find anything he could to back this threat) He has also stated to me that if I ever got deployed, he would definitely take the boys down to Tennessee and change their school and that I would not be able to get them back when I returned. This is totally not fair to my sons, to be snatched out of school after just moving up here. I am so tired of constantly being threatened and harrassed due to his control issues. I don't want to live in constant fear that I'm going to lose my sons over anything and everything I do or don't do.

My question is simply this... can he take the boys out of school and away from their home while I'm gone? I realize that my parents are not the legal guardians...I had a power of attorney drawn up to give my mom the power to oversee medical and educational needs in my absence. What are my rights as a single mother trying to better my situation financially so that I may raise my boys in a loving, secure and stable environment? Please help.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Zigner]

Why SHOULDN'T the father be the parent for his child while the mother is gone?

 

[LdiJ]

My question is simply this... can he take the boys out of school and away from their home while I'm gone? I realize that my parents are not the legal guardians...I had a power of attorney drawn up to give my mom the power to oversee medical and educational needs in my absence. What are my rights as a single mother trying to better my situation financially so that I may raise my boys in a loving, secure and stable environment? Please help.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Yes, he absolutely can. These are questions that you should have asked prior to joining the military.

 

[nextwife]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? West Virginia

I am leaving to go to basic training in less than 2 weeks. My ex husband and I divorced in 2004 in the state of Ohio, and agreed on a shared parenting plan. In February 2005, he moved to Northeast Tennessee which caused us to go to mediation. Since he was now going to be 6 hours away from us, I was designated residential parent of our 2 sons. This past April (2008) I moved up to West Virginia to be closer to my family. My ex-husband live about 10 hours away from eachother and we have a halfway meeting point to exchange the children. I am trying to regain financial control of my life and have found that between bonuses and higher education, plus a permanent job opportunity with great health and life insurance benefits, I could enlist in the army and get back on my feet, which will benefit my boys greatly.

I have been up front about my intentions from the moment I contacted a recruiter. My ex husband has never said he opposes me going into the army; nor did he say it was ok with him as far as where my boys would stay. He even said he was proud of me for doing so. I have mentioned several times to him that my parents, who also live here, would be willing to meet him so that his visitation time would not be disrupted due to my absence while at basic training. Since he never said anything opposing this, I assumed that he was ok with my parents keeping the boys. Once I became enlisted, (and now he knows I can't back out even if I wanted to) he stated to me that I was out of line and that I was not in control like I thought I was with respect to having my parents watch the boys while I was gone. He further went on to state that I should have asked him permission to allow the boys stay at home, with my parents. The boys attend school up here, they love where we live and they like their school and teachers. My ex husband has threatened that if my parents do anything wrong, he would come up and take the boys when I leave for basic training. (He doesn't get along with my mother and I feel like he would try to find anything he could to back this threat) He has also stated to me that if I ever got deployed, he would definitely take the boys down to Tennessee and change their school and that I would not be able to get them back when I returned. This is totally not fair to my sons, to be snatched out of school after just moving up here. I am so tired of constantly being threatened and harrassed due to his control issues. I don't want to live in constant fear that I'm going to lose my sons over anything and everything I do or don't do.

My question is simply this... can he take the boys out of school and away from their home while I'm gone? I realize that my parents are not the legal guardians...I had a power of attorney drawn up to give my mom the power to oversee medical and educational needs in my absence. What are my rights as a single mother trying to better my situation financially so that I may raise my boys in a loving, secure and stable environment? Please help.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

And did YOU directly ask him if he was ok with the idea of you turning over physical custody of HIS kids to YOUR parents?

 

[nextwife]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? West Virginia

I am leaving to go to basic training in less than 2 weeks. My ex husband and I divorced in 2004 in the state of Ohio, and agreed on a shared parenting plan. In February 2005, he moved to Northeast Tennessee which caused us to go to mediation. Since he was now going to be 6 hours away from us, I was designated residential parent of our 2 sons. This past April (2008) I moved up to West Virginia to be closer to my family. My ex-husband live about 10 hours away from eachother and we have a halfway meeting point to exchange the children. I am trying to regain financial control of my life and have found that between bonuses and higher education, plus a permanent job opportunity with great health and life insurance benefits, I could enlist in the army and get back on my feet, which will benefit my boys greatly.

I have been up front about my intentions from the moment I contacted a recruiter. My ex husband has never said he opposes me going into the army; nor did he say it was ok with him as far as where my boys would stay. He even said he was proud of me for doing so. I have mentioned several times to him that my parents, who also live here, would be willing to meet him so that his visitation time would not be disrupted due to my absence while at basic training. Since he never said anything opposing this, I assumed that he was ok with my parents keeping the boys. Once I became enlisted, (and now he knows I can't back out even if I wanted to) he stated to me that I was out of line and that I was not in control like I thought I was with respect to having my parents watch the boys while I was gone. He further went on to state that I should have asked him permission to allow the boys stay at home, with my parents. The boys attend school up here, they love where we live and they like their school and teachers. My ex husband has threatened that if my parents do anything wrong, he would come up and take the boys when I leave for basic training. (He doesn't get along with my mother and I feel like he would try to find anything he could to back this threat) He has also stated to me that if I ever got deployed, he would definitely take the boys down to Tennessee and change their school and that I would not be able to get them back when I returned. This is totally not fair to my sons, to be snatched out of school after just moving up here. I am so tired of constantly being threatened and harrassed due to his control issues. I don't want to live in constant fear that I'm going to lose my sons over anything and everything I do or don't do.

My question is simply this... can he take the boys out of school and away from their home while I'm gone? I realize that my parents are not the legal guardians...I had a power of attorney drawn up to give my mom the power to oversee medical and educational needs in my absence. What are my rights as a single mother trying to better my situation financially so that I may raise my boys in a loving, secure and stable environment? Please help.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

And did YOU directly ask him if he was ok with the idea of you turning over physical custody of HIS kids to YOUR parents?

Did he ever actually AGREE to YOUR custody plans?

 

[Arin08]

Did anyone actually read the whole letter? Being deployed overseas for 12 months is one thing....I am going to basic training...it is 9 weeks. Being moved away from their home and transferred to another school 10 hours away in another state for 9 weeks would seem quite a traumatic maneuver for my sons. I had talked to the father about my plans, from the moment I contemplated going into the army...I specifically said, that since it was during the school year that my parents could keep them....meeting him on our regularly scheduled times to meet. I had stated this several different times in person and over the phone. It seems to me that if he were not ok with my parents taking care of our children, while I were absent for 9 weeks...he would have said so. To me, not saying anything, implied to me that he was ok with it....especially when he also said each time, he was proud of me for what I was doing. It's for 9 weeks, in the middle of the school year. And I get to come home for 2 weeks over Christmas so I'll have a week with them. Are you saying that I should transfer my sons out of school in West Virginia, to move to Tennessee for 9 weeks and attend school down there...then transfer them back up here when I come back from basic training? They are also involved in our church, sports and boy scouts. I've never kept them from seeing their father or vice versa...and he incidently has residential custody of our 15 year old daughter. I can't imagine yanking her from her school for 9 weeks if her father was to go on a mission trip or even if he enlisted in the army. I would be ok with his parents (who live next to them) taking care of her, as long as it didn't interrupt my regular times with her.

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? West Virginia
My question is simply this... can he take the boys out of school and away from their home while I'm gone? I realize that my parents are not the legal guardians...I had a power of attorney drawn up to give my mom the power to oversee medical and educational needs in my absence. What are my rights as a single mother trying to better my situation financially so that I may raise my boys in a loving, secure and stable environment? Please help.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

Actually the state is Ohio unless you domesticated the order. And quite frankly, they are HIS boys as well and he has every right to have them in his custody when you are deployed. Your mother legally is NO ONE. Why shouldn't he have the children? Oh I know. Because you are mom and you don't want that. When you get deployed the children go with their father.

 

[Arin08]

I have to disagree with your iimplying that because I'm the mom, I should have my boys. I have always encouraged a healthy relationship with their father. I have never kept him from seeing them or them from seeing him for any reason. However, I was deprived my summer time with my daughter one year because she was on the softball team and a puppet ministry in her church that year.

 

[Ohiogal]

I have to disagree with your iimplying that because I'm the mom, I should have my boys. I have always encouraged a healthy relationship with their father. I have never kept him from seeing them or them from seeing him for any reason. However, I was deprived my summer time with my daughter one year because she was on the softball team and a puppet ministry in her church that year.

Well then you should be THRILLED that when you are deployed -- if you are deployed -- that the children will be with their father. Being deprived your summer time with your daughter is a different story. If it was against court orders, you could have filed contempt. Unless of course you agreed to her spending the time on the softball team and a puppet ministry.

 

[Arin08]

So are you saying that for the next 9 weeks that I am gone, I should have the father pick up the boys, move them 10 hours away, and transfer them to school in Tennessee...then deal with it when I get back? Please keep in mind...they are in the middle of a school year, and this is for 9 weeks. I should have thought about my earlier post about if I were to get deployed. In all honesty, I don't have a problem with them staying with their dad. I'm just concerned about them being transferred in and out of schools. Also, I am concerned because they said they do not want to go to another school. They want to stay at their current school.

 

[Ohiogal]

So are you saying that for the next 9 weeks that I am gone, I should have the father pick up the boys, move them 10 hours away, and transfer them to school in Tennessee...then deal with it when I get back? Please keep in mind...they are in the middle of a school year, and this is for 9 weeks. I should have thought about my earlier post about if I were to get deployed. In all honesty, I don't have a problem with them staying with their dad. I'm just concerned about them being transferred in and out of schools. Also, I am concerned because they said they do not want to go to another school. They want to stay at their current school.

Oh well. Unless dad agrees it is not going to happen. You didn't think hard enough about how you being in school would affect the children. Why did you just assume he would be okay with this? And how does he get the children every weekend when he is 10 hours away? You being deployable and now in the military could actually be considered a substantial change in circumstance so that dad can gain primary custody. You need to understand that.

 

[my life is mine]

Arin08,
you have 9 weeks of basic training, then you will either go to a school in your choosen speciality or go to a Command, which can be states away from where your boys reside at this time. I bet then you want to take them with you to next area, so they would have to move out of their school. Which if you were to be sent to say East coast or perhaps on the West coast, you will not be able to continue visitation as it is now. So think beyond the 9 weeks, what will you do then?

Think about sending boys to Dad until you at least have a permanent duty station (at least 2 years or more in same area)

 

[my life is mine]

I also have to ask did you recruiter talk to you about a family care plan?

http://www.campbell.army.mil/osja/documents/Military Administrative/Family Care Plans Fact Sheet.doc

http://www.mwrarmyhawaii.com/cys/cys_documents/Family_Care_Plan.pdf

 

[Arin08]

The father and I do not exchange our children every other weekend. It has not been that way since he moved to Tennessee from Ohio. Once he moved from Ohio, we went back to mediation because at that time we were exchanging the children on a weekly basis because we both lived in Ohio in the same school district. The court agreement states that during the school year, the boys reside with the mother and the daugther resides with the father. The court also states that if there is any change in residence or schools that they have to be notified and that we have to go back to mediation. We alternate Thanksgiving holiday. They all get 2 weeks during Christmas vacation. One year I'll have them for Christmas and he'll have them over New Year. We alternate those as well. He gets them Labor Day...I get them Memorial Day. In order for our boys or our daughter to change schools, we would have to go back to court and have the shared parenting plan altered. I have the children for the first part of summer. He has the children for the 2nd part. Then during the school year...we try to exchange anytime there is an extended weekend. I am not active duty...I am in the reserves. I have a family care plan with a split op mos which starts in april. He will have the boys this summer while I complete my mos training. Because I am not active duty, I do not have to move anywhere and I chose an mos that would allow me to fulfill my batallion duty at our local reserves. If I get activated to be deployed, then we have discussed the boys moving down with their father for that year. During the time I am in basic, the father is not losing anytime he would already have with the boys. He will actually have them more because he will also have them during the weekends that would normally be my weekends with them. Let me say again, I'm not active duty...it was not an option for me, nor would I have enlisted if I had to go in as active duty...I have a family care plan set in order. My sons do not want to move down and transfer to school in Tennessee. I was up front with the father the whole process and until I actually swore in, he never said he was opposed to my parents watching them since it was during the school year. It was after I told him that I enlisted, he said he was not ok with it. Why didn't he tell me this the very first time I mentioned that I was thinking about enlisting? And then each time before enlisting that I told him...he had 3 months to tell me and he didn't until I told him I'd sworn in. Please let me reiterate, I am not about keeping the boys away from their father. I'm only concerned with their stability in school during my basic training weeks. The boys do not want to go to another school.

 

[LdiJ]

The father and I do not exchange our children every other weekend. It has not been that way since he moved to Tennessee from Ohio. Once he moved from Ohio, we went back to mediation because at that time we were exchanging the children on a weekly basis because we both lived in Ohio in the same school district. The court agreement states that during the school year, the boys reside with the mother and the daugther resides with the father. The court also states that if there is any change in residence or schools that they have to be notified and that we have to go back to mediation. We alternate Thanksgiving holiday. They all get 2 weeks during Christmas vacation. One year I'll have them for Christmas and he'll have them over New Year. We alternate those as well. He gets them Labor Day...I get them Memorial Day. In order for our boys or our daughter to change schools, we would have to go back to court and have the shared parenting plan altered. I have the children for the first part of summer. He has the children for the 2nd part. Then during the school year...we try to exchange anytime there is an extended weekend. I am not active duty...I am in the reserves. I have a family care plan with a split op mos which starts in april. He will have the boys this summer while I complete my mos training. Because I am not active duty, I do not have to move anywhere and I chose an mos that would allow me to fulfill my batallion duty at our local reserves. If I get activated to be deployed, then we have discussed the boys moving down with their father for that year. During the time I am in basic, the father is not losing anytime he would already have with the boys. He will actually have them more because he will also have them during the weekends that would normally be my weekends with them. Let me say again, I'm not active duty...it was not an option for me, nor would I have enlisted if I had to go in as active duty...I have a family care plan set in order. My sons do not want to move down and transfer to school in Tennessee. I was up front with the father the whole process and until I actually swore in, he never said he was opposed to my parents watching them since it was during the school year. It was after I told him that I enlisted, he said he was not ok with it. Why didn't he tell me this the very first time I mentioned that I was thinking about enlisting? And then each time before enlisting that I told him...he had 3 months to tell me and he didn't until I told him I'd sworn in. Please let me reiterate, I am not about keeping the boys away from their father. I'm only concerned with their stability in school during my basic training weeks. The boys do not want to go to another school.

This really is a sticky situation. If it went to court, I don't think that a judge would temporarily change custody (requiring the children to change schools) for just a 9 week period, but at the same time, your parents could not withhold the children from dad, if he were to insist on picking them up and taking them back to TN for the 9 weeks.

I would recommend getting a very fast consult with a local attorney to see if there is any possibility of emergency orders to keep the children in WV and in their same school, for your 9 weeks of basic training.