route to take?

[angeleyzad]

What is the name of your state? Maine

Okay, here's the deal. My husband (before we met and were married, and yes, I knew all about it) has a son that he has never seen. it's been about 10 years or so. He was having problems in his life, and never took responsibility back then. He did not go to court, so they found him in default, and he has been paying child support. We tried 4 years ago to get a modification to the order so that he could start seeing the boy, but were never able to have the mother served (all avenues came back unservable). I just found out that the mother was just arrested a week ago for failure to pay fines on disorderly conduct and criminal mischief. In looking further, she has been arrested 5 times in the past 2 years.

It's been dificult, because my husband has felt that he didn't want to disrupt his son's life. I have tried to explain to him that his son deserves to know him. With these issues going on with the mother, now, I feel it is more in the boy's best interest to know his father (and also his half and step siblings). The boy has been living with the mother's parents for quite a while.

Here's the question - where my husband right now does not have any rights (the court order says that the mother has full custody), can he just call the grandparents, and see if they will let him into the boy's life? The mother is in jail currently, as far as i know, so there is no way of getting her permission (I'm not sure if she would even give her permission). What would the liklyhood be of my husband getting some sort of rights? He would like to get to know his son, but is nervous of how the mother and her family will react. He doesn't want the boy to be hurt by any of this. I know that we would have to go to court to modify the order so that he could have visitation and some legal custody, as right now, he has none. What would be the best way of doing this?

 

[CJane]

What is the name of your state? Maine

The mother is in jail currently

You now have a current address for mom.

 

[angeleyzad]

How good is the possiblilty that my husband will get visitaion/joint legal after this long of a time? Also, in light of all the problems with the law that the mother has been having, is that something that will work in his favor?

 

[angeleyzad]

well, we met him last night...

Well, we went out for pizza last night to meet my step-son. We had my whole family there (me, my husband, our son, and my two sons), and he was there with his mother and grandmother. Things went really well, he's coming to my family cookout this weekend, so that is good. He's also going to start coming out to our house to visit sometimes.

I'm trying to get my husband to get something in writing for the courts giving him regular visitation, but he wants to take it slow and see what his son (god, it's weird writing/saying that) wants, my husband doesn't want to push him.

Okay, here's the kicker...the mother (she looked awful) had a daughter that she lost to the father...I do not know the circumstances around it, but the grandmother said that it was a bad scene, that the daughter's father made a lot of trouble for them, and they just couldn't fight him. The mother does not see the daughter at all. My thoughts are that she must have been found unfit to loose her daughter. Which gets me to my step-son...I am wondering what type of life he has there...they have an apartment in the middle of the city (and he definitely has an "inner-city" life, and the mother is hardly ever around. From what the grandmother said last night, she pretty much raises him. The mother has been arrested 5 times in the past year and a half for disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and has been found guilty in court and jailed for a short period of time. She is also not home very much, as she had called me at 2 am last Friday morning because she saw my husband's name on her caller id from when I first tried to make contact for my husband.

What are your thoughts on this situation? Is it something that my husband should try for custody? There is no visitation through the courts right now (it is at the mother's discretion for now, until my husband and his son get to know each other), and when I mentioned to him that he will want to make it legal, he got upset telling me that he did not want to "rock the boat" and cause any fighting. All I can see is that she gets pissed off and says that no, you can't see your son. I am also trying to think of the boy's best interest. Yes, all he has known so far is his mother and grandmother, but it doesn't seem like he has a very stable life with his mother. What are your thoughts? Should he try for custody? Also, how would I go about getting the information on her loosing her daughter and the arrest information? Is that all public information?

Thanks in advance!

 

[stealth2]

Sometimes mothers are the NCP for reasons other than unfitness. Just like fathers are. Would you like us to draw conclusions as to why your husband is the NCP?

At this point, Dad is handling it as he sees best. I'd suggest you allow him to continue doing so.

 

[weenor]

Okay, here's the kicker...the mother (she looked awful) had a daughter that she lost to the father...I do not know the circumstances around it, but the grandmother said that it was a bad scene, that the daughter's father made a lot of trouble for them, and they just couldn't fight him. The mother does not see the daughter at all.


This tells me that the father of that girl had some serious dirt on Mom. Worth looking into for the safety of the boy.

The mother has been arrested 5 times in the past year and a half for disorderly conduct and criminal mischief, and has been found guilty in court and jailed for a short period of time.

Only the convictions count and then it depends on what she was convicted of... However these arrests may be indicative of a larger problem...i.e. drugs, so worth investigating.


She is also not home very much, as she had called me at 2 am last Friday morning because she saw my husband's name on her caller id from when I first tried to make contact for my husband.

Irrelevant

I mentioned to him that he will want to make it legal, he got upset telling me that he did not want to "rock the boat" and cause any fighting. All I can see is that she gets pissed off and says that no, you can't see your son. I am also trying to think of the boy's best interest. Yes, all he has known so far is his mother and grandmother, but it doesn't seem like he has a very stable life with his mother. What are your thoughts? Should he try for custody? Also, how would I go about getting the information on her loosing her daughter and the arrest information? Is that all public information?

Here's your problem...you have no legal rights and it sounds as if your hubby doesn't want to raise another kid. First he waits this long for contact and then hesitates when there are clear warning flags of a problem with the mother. Rock the boat my butt. Dad isn't sure how much responsibility he wants. There nothing you can do. I posted on this one because I see a flags that indicate the mother abuses drugs and the child is neglected. However, I also see flags that dad isn't ready to jump in now. Well its now or never, so he either needs to go all the way or do nothing as he has been doing. Yes, if he files for custody Mom will cut off visitation. However, if the child is being neglected Dad is horribly remiss in not doing everything he can.

 

[angeleyzad]

I understand that sometimes mothers are NCP's, I was just going on what the mother and grandmother said to us about the situation - the father of her daughter fought them alot, and they could not stop it. I guess I was making an assumption, based on the fact that she had been in jail quite a bit for disorderly conduct and criminal mischief in the past year and a half.

I know that the relationship will need to be taken slow, and allowed to grow. My concern is that this boy is at a pivotal age, and he can go either way. Based on his mother for a role model, and from his actions at school (he is easily influenced by the wrong crowd), I just do not want to see him go down that path, and I know that my husband does not want that as well, but he is nervous about everything.

Anyone know how I could get the information about the court battle for her daughter and the arrest information?

 

[stealth2]

I would suggest you drop the ball in Dad's lap. You seem much more invested in this than he does. If he wants to proceed, then he needs to get on the stick and take action instead of letting you take the lead.

 

[angeleyzad]

thank you

Thank you for your input, both of you...Where I know that I have no legal standing with this boy, I will have an emotional standing with him in my husband's life. I am going to let my husband make his own decisions, if he choses not to persue anything wtih these issues, then it is something that he will have to deal with himself, I guess.

Yes, it is hard for me to say this, because I do have to think of my children as well, and if this boy becomes the same as his mother, I will not want that around my children. I guess I will just have to deal with that if it arises, and have my husband pissed at me then. Oh well, that's what happens, I guess.

 

[CJane]

I understand that sometimes mothers are NCP's, I was just going on what the mother and grandmother said to us about the situation - the father of her daughter fought them alot, and they could not stop it.

Until a couple of weeks ago, I was the NCP of my girls because their father fought a lot, and I couldn't stop it. He had more money than I did, a more hard-assed attorney, and more desire to punish me than I had desire to fight with him. I was/am in no way unfit.

You're making a LOT of assumptions based on limited information, about a woman that you do not know. It's easy to sit on the greener side of the fence and pass judgement on people, but seriously, a step way the hell back is in order.

Let your husband get to know his son. Quit looking for dirt on mom. If things really ARE that bad w/mom your husband has a LOT of responsibility for the situation because he turned his back on his child for 10 YEARS. Wanting to be involved now, in whatever limited capacity, isn't going to suddenly make up for that.

And, I agree with your husband. For now, I wouldn't push anything through the courts. That's like opening up a can of instant conflict. You're right about this being a pivotal age for the child... a court battle and a step-mother who's so judgemental of his mother (who raised him to the best of her ability while dad was having a family he actually pays attention to) isn't in his best interest.

 

[angeleyzad]

Until a couple of weeks ago, I was the NCP of my girls because their father fought a lot, and I couldn't stop it. He had more money than I did, a more hard-assed attorney, and more desire to punish me than I had desire to fight with him. I was/am in no way unfit.

You're making a LOT of assumptions based on limited information, about a woman that you do not know. It's easy to sit on the greener side of the fence and pass judgement on people, but seriously, a step way the hell back is in order.

Let your husband get to know his son. Quit looking for dirt on mom. If things really ARE that bad w/mom your husband has a LOT of responsibility for the situation because he turned his back on his child for 10 YEARS. Wanting to be involved now, in whatever limited capacity, isn't going to suddenly make up for that.

And, I agree with your husband. For now, I wouldn't push anything through the courts. That's like opening up a can of instant conflict. You're right about this being a pivotal age for the child... a court battle and a step-mother who's so judgemental of his mother (who raised him to the best of her ability while dad was having a family he actually pays attention to) isn't in his best interest.

Just for reference, I do know this girl, have known her for a long time, and she is exactly the way I see and have posted...I am not making assumptions on the way her life is. Yes, my husband ran from this when he first found out, but that was also because he was still grieving for the loss of his daughter, who died from a genetic disorder when she was 14 months old - he was at a point in his life that he could not do anything for this boy. My husband did not turn his life around until 4 years ago, when we met. He tried back then to make contact, but could not find the mother. He just found out where she was, so that was a big factor in contacting now. Besides, the mother has not raised him - the grandmother has, and that was blatantly obvious from what she said last night.

Thank you all for the input, good, bad, or indifferent. This will be my husband's decision, and when he is ready to do whatever he wants to do, I will help him with it. I will not put my children at risk, though, and hopefully he will understand that if it comes down to it.