Scared beyond words...

[jennpickles]

What is the name of your state?Mo.

I have already posted on here previously explaining my situation. Under adoption-"how hard is it???".I would add a link, but don't know how.Sorry..Well, I have been frantically reading on this forum to get as much information as possible since the last posting. Not because I plan to represent myself ( I fully intend on getting a lawyer!!), but because I have nearly made myself physically sick with worry over this.

I believe I understand some things better now than I did when I first posted, but in turn, have some new questions. When someone is appointed through the court to represent my nephew, it is my understanding that an investigation will then begin. What exactly will that investigation include? As far as my husband and I are concerned, the deeper they dig, the better.
I just want to know how much weight they will give to his daily life with us. His emotional attachment, stability, home enviroment, etc. He is only 2 1/2, so obviously they cannot hold a conversation with him about his life with us that would ultimately effect the courts decision in terminating her rights! I just want to know what type of things they will look into (on both sides), and how much weight that really tends to hold in court.
Also, she has had NUMEROUS visits from DFS since the day she gave birth to her first child (she was 15, and DFS was called in before she even left the hospital with her son!). Does anyone know if DFS keeps records of the visits made, and if they will be entered as evidence against her at the termination hearing? As far as I know, she has never actually had any of her children removed by DFS. Just the old hotline calls, they show up, tell her they will be back and she must have certain things done or taken care of by the time they return, or the kids will be taken. I have 3 children, a 2 1/2 year old son (nephew), a 1 1/2 year old daughter, and a 5 month old son. I have never had DFS or anyone else called on me, so I am totally unfamiliar with them and how they handle things..

While reading over the laws in Missouri, and trying my hardest to understand them, I believe that the main reason we have to file a petition for termination of her rights is child abandonment. But it also states that failure to communicate with, financially support, or visit the child may not, alone, be reasons to terminate parental rights. I guess I am confused. The law states that failure to do these things is considered "Child Abandonment", if it meets or exceeds a 6 month period, but then they say that this may not be reason to terminate rights...If I am missing something, please let me know.

She has had NO COMMUNICATION with him for 2 years! No phone calls, no visits-nothing. She just sees him once or twice a year at family functions, and even then shows no interest in him. She even asked our other sister 2 days ago how old he was now.

The day that my husband (at the time was my boyfriend) and I decided we would offer to take him, I had come home (I was letting her and her kids live in my apt. because she had no place to live) and she was asleep, her oldest son was nowhere to be found, her daughter (then 1 1/2 years old) was playing in the kitchen trash, and Brian (then 5 months old) was laying in a playpen next to the bed where she was sleeping. He had "gone" so many times in his diaper that it had literally fallen to pieces, and he was covered in feces, and screaming! There was a bottle next to him in the playpen. The nipple, and the bottom of the bottle were both moldy!..Right then, I knew that I couldn't let him live the life that he was destined to have with her. She knew that it would be a few days before I could come and pick him up for good (by then I had moved in with my husband). The next day I stopped by on my lunch hour to check on the kids, and she wasn't there..The kids were, but she wasn't. I called work and told them that I could not come back from lunch. I sat there and waited for her to come back. 2 hours later she shows up, and said that she went to a friends house to play cards, and had asked the neighbors to check in on the kids every now and then while she was gone! First of all, her kids were 7, 1 1/2, and 5 months!!! Have the neighbor check in?? NO WAY! And, they never did check in while I was there..

I am so sorry about getting that much into the situation, but I am scared to death of not getting to keep him. It may sound stupid, but I worry about her not knowing what foods he likes, or how he wants to be tucked in, etc. It would break his heart..I have to know what to be prepared for when she fights this.

Do we get to have family members, pediatricians, babysitter, etc. testify on our behalf at the hearing? Also, will people testify as to her inability to care for her other children, even if that person has nothing to do with Brian? EVERY member of our family is ready to testify that she should not get custody of him back. Which makes me feel good as a mother, but I don't know how much I should rely on that when it comes to court....

 

[LdiJ]

Why are you sick with worry over this? You have legal guardianship of the child....and mom is a virtual stranger to the child. The longer the child remains with you, the stronger your position is.

This may not be the right moment for you to try to terminate your sister's parental rights so that you can adopt the child. Your financial position makes a difference in an adoption, and your husband's fairly recent bankruptcy could have a negative impact. You also haven't lived in LA for very long.

Go get yourself a consult with an adoption attorney.

 

[jennpickles]

Thanks, LD, for the response.

The financial situation is not one that I have ever worried about in the past. Even with his BK.

Since the BK, we have purchased a brand new vehicle, and opened 3 CC accounts. All of which have been open no less than 8 months, and have less than 25% available balance used. His FICO was 720 before filing, and is now back to 600+. He has a full time job in upper mgmt. and has been with the same company for almost 7 years. We rent a 4 bedroom house in a nice neighborhood, and have a little money in savings...We are making it financially, even with the BK last year.

She has no job, and has never had one for more than 3 months. She receives TANF (sp), W.I.C. (as do we), and food stamps. She lives in a 1 bedroom apt. with her boyfriend and 3 children. She got an eviction notice today. She usually gets one around the 4 month mark wherever she lives. She has NO money AT ALL! She has to borrow money to buy diapers, baby wipes, and food for her kids every month well before the TANF comes in again.

Given this information, do you believe that we may have a problem with the financial part?? I never even considered that..

There are a few reasons I would like to start the process now. 1.The natural Father is in prision. Easy to serve. He generally becomes hard to find when he isn't locked up. 2. In Februaury we plan to move back to Missouri to be closer to family again (we moved he for my husband's work), and we will be living at my in-laws house for a few months while we finish saving to buy a home. They have a seperate living area (Living Room, Kitchen, Bathroom, and 3 bedrooms) which would be only ours. Maybe I am wrong, but wouldn't it look better if we live where we are now when we file the petition? Maybe not, I don't know. 3. He will be starting pre-school in Missouri in August 2006. I would like to have this taken care of before then. Mostly for "cheesy" motherly reasons!
The reason I get that upset about this is, the older he gets, the harder it would be for him to be taken from the only family he has ever known. It breaks my heart to think of him having to go through that! It makes me hate her even more every time I think about the fact that I worry about this little boys happiness in everything I do, and in 2 years she hasn't even called him! And she gave birth to him!

 

[stealth2]

Uuuuh, I wouldn't recommend moving that boy out of state w/o the court's permission. Frankly, you NEED to discuss this entire situation with an attorney.

Also - what's the deal with the other kids?

 

[LdiJ]

Uuuuh, I wouldn't recommend moving that boy out of state w/o the court's permission. Frankly, you NEED to discuss this entire situation with an attorney.

Also - what's the deal with the other kids?

The move to LA was out of state...they will actually be going back to where they came from when they went to LA.

 

[stealth2]

Aaah, okay. I assume that was after getting the kid originally.

The question remains about the rest of the kids. Not to sound rude, but what makes him the only one worth saving?

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks, LD, for the response.

The financial situation is not one that I have ever worried about in the past. Even with his BK.

Since the BK, we have purchased a brand new vehicle, and opened 3 CC accounts. All of which have been open no less than 8 months, and have less than 25% available balance used. His FICO was 720 before filing, and is now back to 600+. He has a full time job in upper mgmt. and has been with the same company for almost 7 years. We rent a 4 bedroom house in a nice neighborhood, and have a little money in savings...We are making it financially, even with the BK last year.

She has no job, and has never had one for more than 3 months. She receives TANF (sp), W.I.C. (as do we), and food stamps. She lives in a 1 bedroom apt. with her boyfriend and 3 children. She got an eviction notice today. She usually gets one around the 4 month mark wherever she lives. She has NO money AT ALL! She has to borrow money to buy diapers, baby wipes, and food for her kids every month well before the TANF comes in again.

Given this information, do you believe that we may have a problem with the financial part?? I never even considered that..

There are a few reasons I would like to start the process now. 1.The natural Father is in prision. Easy to serve. He generally becomes hard to find when he isn't locked up. 2. In Februaury we plan to move back to Missouri to be closer to family again (we moved he for my husband's work), and we will be living at my in-laws house for a few months while we finish saving to buy a home. They have a seperate living area (Living Room, Kitchen, Bathroom, and 3 bedrooms) which would be only ours. Maybe I am wrong, but wouldn't it look better if we live where we are now when we file the petition? Maybe not, I don't know. 3. He will be starting pre-school in Missouri in August 2006. I would like to have this taken care of before then. Mostly for "cheesy" motherly reasons!
The reason I get that upset about this is, the older he gets, the harder it would be for him to be taken from the only family he has ever known. It breaks my heart to think of him having to go through that! It makes me hate her even more every time I think about the fact that I worry about this little boys happiness in everything I do, and in 2 years she hasn't even called him! And she gave birth to him!

You completely misunderstood me about the financials. Part of the adoption process is an investigation of your finances. A recent bankruptcy is a negative mark.

You simply haven't been in LA long enough to file there, and you won't be in LA long enough to file there if you are moving in February. Therefore, you are going to have to wait until you establish residency somewhere. The fact that you move around so much could also negatively impact an adoption.

 

[jennpickles]

Aaah, okay. I assume that was after getting the kid originally.

The question remains about the rest of the kids. Not to sound rude, but what makes him the only one worth saving?

The move to LA was made in September of 2004. We were given Gaurdianship through the Court in May 2004. They are aware of the move to LA.

And, as far as the other children go. The only one of her children that I have not taken care of at some point in the past is the new baby. We had her oldest son earlier this year for a couple of months. That situation was very hard for everyone. I knew when we took him that he would have issues, but I was not prepared for what all happened. Cussing out teachers at school, hitting my 2 1/2 year old when he got upset with us, kicking and punching holes in the walls, threatening to tell the police that my huband and I "touched him" if I made him do his homework one more time, throwing himself on top of my 6 week old son when I told him he had to clean his room before bed, etc..The plan was, as a stay at home mother, I could finally spend the time with him that he needed. But, with everything else, I just couldn't do it anymore. And believe me, I dealt with HORRIBLE guilt about having to call and say that I couldn't handle him.

When my husband and I took Brian, we offered to take all of the kids, not just Brian! She said no. She has never been willing to let anyone help with her daughter. For whatever reason she openly cares for her daughter better than the boys. And she also asked if I would be willing to let her continue to collect benefits from the state (TANF, food stamps, etc.) even if she didn't physically have the kids. I told her no, that the point of us taking the kids was for her to get her life together, which would mean getting a job! She said we could only take Brian then, because she needed that money. We also had no plans of collecting benefits on any of the children that we would take.

At the time, I still owed 1200.00 on the vehicle I was driving (2000 escort). My husband decided that we would need a different vehicle, so he paid off my car, and purchased an SUV for me to drive. He then gave the keys to the Escort to my sister, and said "We are giving you this car so that you will have reliable transportation to get a job. You will have to be responsible for getting it insured, etc.". There were no strings attached at all! This was in Kansas City. Then a week later, my husband and I moved to Cape Girardeau with Brian. I had the lease to my apartment put in her name and a friend of hers, and left the car for her. 2 weeks later I called her to see how things were going with finding a job, etc. She said that they were getting evicted because her friend had starting selling drugs out of the apt. as soon as I moved, and they didn't have money for rent, etc. She also said that the car was gone..She had let someone borrow it that she didn't know well, and she didn't know what happened to it! This was no big deal to her!!

These are A FEW things that we have done for her. And, believe me, we aren't the only ones that have tried to help. We have always said that we would take all of the kids in a heartbeat. Her exact words were "I will never let them steal another one of my f***ing kids!!". They are worth saving! It scares me to think of the direction they are heading because of her lack of interest in their well being!

 

[jennpickles]

BEST phone call of my life!!!

I wanted to share something with everyone that happened about an hour ago-

My mother called, and said that she was with my sister running errands, and during a conversation, my mother mentioned that my husband and I wanted to adopt Brian..My sister, without hesitation, said that she would agree to sign over her rights and not contest the adoption!!!! My husband and I CRIED like babies!!! I realize that there is still a LONG road ahead of us, but I literally felt soooo many fears melt away the moment she said that!! This was truly the BEST phone call of our lives!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone!! I want to wish every one of you the best of luck in all of your situations! I have found great comfort in reading through this forum, as well as fear, envy, anger, and all the other emotions!! But all-in-all it has been a wonderful and informative place to spend my time..Thank you to everyone..

I will continue to visit daily, and I'm sure, post MANY more times..THANK YOU LORD, FOR THIS DAY!!!!

 

[newmommy20]

I wanted to share something with everyone that happened about an hour ago-

My mother called, and said that she was with my sister running errands, and during a conversation, my mother mentioned that my husband and I wanted to adopt Brian..My sister, without hesitation, said that she would agree to sign over her rights and not contest the adoption!!!! My husband and I CRIED like babies!!! I realize that there is still a LONG road ahead of us, but I literally felt soooo many fears melt away the moment she said that!! This was truly the BEST phone call of our lives!!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR to everyone!! I want to wish every one of you the best of luck in all of your situations! I have found great comfort in reading through this forum, as well as fear, envy, anger, and all the other emotions!! But all-in-all it has been a wonderful and informative place to spend my time..Thank you to everyone..

I will continue to visit daily, and I'm sure, post MANY more times..THANK YOU LORD, FOR THIS DAY!!!!

CONGRATS! At least you saved one of them