Seeking input

[abstract99]

What is the name of your state? Az

OK so my visitation with the kids went GREAT. I got to take them to my sons roller-skating for Boy Scouts, to buy some clothes, breakfast and lunch. I only noticed one problem. When I picked my kids up they “slumped” out the door at their Mother’s house. They didn’t acknowledge that I was even standing there. When I first got there I rang the doorbell, their step-dad answered, he didn’t say anything but went off into the house. I could hear some confrontation talking coming from where he had disappeared to. The kids came out and went directly to the car. Mom then showed up in the doorway and proceeded to tell me how I should spend my time with the kids during that day. I politely told her that I had it all figured out without her help as my wife had done some last minute research into things to do in that area as well as directions to the skating. She then turned and yelled to the kids [in an unfriendly manner] “come back here and say goodbye to me”. When they did not get out of the car she went out to it and opened the door and practically dragged them out to hug them. That’s fine I don’t care about that. She did however state to them “I want to say goodbye because I don’t know when I will see you again.” That I thought was inappropriate since I told her I would bring them back by 7:00 p.m. and it seemed more to me like she was just trying to put on a show but whatever.

As soon as we were out of sight range from moms house they were all of the sudden “HEY DAD” and “GUESS WHAT” or “DADDY THIS/THAT”. Their whole entire demeanor changed completely. They were like this for the entire day until I went to take them back to moms. Once we got a block or two from moms I noticed that their demeanor had changed again and they were really quiet. I stopped there and said my goodbyes and then drove them the rest of the way.

I have always assumed that the way that they act around me is the way that they act at moms as well but I am starting to think otherwise. Do you think that they might have acted this way because they didn’t want their mom to know that they wanted to see me or enjoyed spending time with me? Or do you think that perhaps this is the way they act all of the time at their moms? Quiet and what-not. I requested counseling in my petition that was just heard but the topic wasn’t brought up and I was so excited to see my kids I forgot to ask. I have offered to foot the entire bill since I feel that it is needed but mom refuses. DO you think that based on their actions Saturday that I should request it again? I am concerned for my kids. They are usually very expressive but it seems that when I call and what I witnessed this weekend shows that they might need some psychiatric help to cope with the stress.

 

[CandiceH]

Your thought about them not wanting mom to see how excited they were to see you is more than likely right on the money. I was not one to tout counseling/psychiatric care until my kids went through a divorce. It can be a great thing. The problem is, you are very far away and unless you can "prove" something, you arent going to get the courts to intervene on this one.

Were they happy and talkative when you were with them? Did you notice any other signs of withdrawl? I would suggest that you take it one step at a time, keep an open line of communication with their teachers, etc and see how things go for a bit. I am sure what you observed was disturbing but if the kids arent showing "other" signs it is not something you can bring to a judge at this point.

 

[Ohiogal]

Don't go back to court immediately or that will just irritate the judge. It should have been dealt with at the hearing today.

 

[haiku]

I think it is actually quite common for children to have to "deprogram" themselves for each household style.

 

[stealth2]

Transitions are always tough. As long as the kids seem to behave normally outside of the transition - don't sweat it.

 

[abstract99]

Transitions are always tough. As long as the kids seem to behave normally outside of the transition - don't sweat it.

Yeah that is what I am thinking too. I would like the counseling but I will wait because like the other poster said, it prolly isn't a good idea to go running back to court right now. With mom being as mad as she is I expect to have to be back before the end of the year anyways. Thanks

 

[kik1999]

Normal in children of divorced parents

Transitions are always tough. As long as the kids seem to behave normally outside of the transition - don't sweat it.

I have been on both sides of this situation....I was a child of a divorce myself, I have a child whose parents are divorced, as well as I am a stepmother to obviously a child of divorce. With the exception of my own child (whose father and I get along rather well most of the time), children feel an extreme amount of guilt about having feelings of excitement, love, etc. when in the presence of the "other" parent especially when there is known animosity amongst their parents. They probably just don't want to hurt mom's feelings by being excited about spending time with you. I wouldn't take it personally. As long as YOU do the right thing by not saying ill words a/b their mother and sf in their presence (I actually praise my ex in front of my daughter regarding the positive things that I can), they'll remember it in the long run. I know it hurts to barely be acknowledged when in front of the other parent, but it is completely normal.

On a side note (example), last evening was the meet and greet the teachers at the school for the kids. My stepdaughter (who has lived with us for the last two years) attended with her mom. She snubbed me big time when she saw me b/c she was with her mom, and I truly believe she just didn't want to hurt her mom's feelings by showing her affection towards me. Her mom has made it very well known to my stepdaughter that she does not like me. They're kids, they are going through a lot and they didn't ask to be brought into these situations. They don't know how to handle the transitions, let alone all of the frustrations, emotions, etc. that come along with the situation that they didn't ask to be invovlved in. I know it hurts and I know its akward, but think about how THEY feel.

Counseling is always a great idea for children of divorce, but I don't necessesarily think that it will change the loyalty/protectiveness the kids feel for each of you. Its probably not anything more than them not wanting to hurt mom's feelings.

At least they had a great time with you!!!! Cherish that.