samson hejl
Member
What is the name of your state?ohio I have a two yr old son and i read that equal parenting could be damaging to the child? Any truth behind this? I would like to also know personal opinion.
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shared parenting
- Thread starter samson hejl
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LdiJ
Senior Member
samson hejl said:
With really young children equal parenting can cause attachment disorders. Do a google on attachment disorders and you can find all kinds of info on the subject.
It isn't the equal parenting that causes that...its the way the parenting is scheduled that can cause the problems.
Example: If dad works nights and mom works days, then if dad has the child during the day and mom has the child at night it generally works out pretty well for the child. They have their daytime environment and their nighttime environment and it generally doesn't cause any security or attachment problems.
However, if its an almost every other day thing, with overnights involved, the child may never feel secure or have the consistancy that really little ones need. Every other week can be even worse. Just as the little one gets secure in one environment they have to switch to another.
My very highly personal opinion, after lots of study on the subject, is that little ones really need to have the consistancy of going to bed in the same place most nights (not all, but most)...yet still should spend as much time as possible with the other parent during the day and evenings. That is my PERSONAL opinon..but it is based on alot of study and research.
tigger22472
Senior Member
My step-daughter has done a 50/50 parenting schedule since she was 3. She spends 2 weeks with mom and two weeks with Dad. I have to admit that when I first heard of it I thought of the same thing. Then there was a period of time where it seemed wonderful. She seemed to be the best well rounded child you could find. She had equal time at her parent's homes for one... My husband and his ex had agreed to no CS so that was one less headache... There was none of the packing the kids up thing. She has a bedroom with a closet full of clothes at both homes as well as toys and if she wants to take something from one house to the other there usually was very little resistance. My step-daughter is now 9 and I have to say that the 50/50 has caused more problems now. This is SOLELY based on the parenting though. 50/50 will only work if you can not necessarily get along but at least agree to communicate and do what is best for the child as well as listen to the other parents concerns and worries. There has to be or SHOULD be a higher level of respect for the other parent in these situations. The other problem that comes into play is that society and even judges believe that SOMEONE should be in charge. Society believes there MUST be a primary parent. My husband recently went in for a modification to clarify certain things in his decree and to make things a bit more equal as well as pretty much force communication and understanding and the judge simply said they could do what they wanted with the child in their home and if there is a problem then someone needed to file for full custody.
SMURFEELAW
Member
My step-daughter was 50/50 from 2 1/2 to one month before 5 years old. She is very well rounded and put on top of that mom and dad live 200 miles apart so every week throw in a 4 hour drive for her. And mom and dad don't get along so we had bumps about some things done at moms not at dads and vis versa also she has a brother at moms and no siblings with us which makes it a little differerent but she is great and I think it helped her adapt to her now schedule that she hasn't even seen mom since thanksgiving. Good Luck
I have read about many attachment studies. This is a topic I am especially interested in as the mom of a Post-Institutionalized child. My web support lists for parents of Post Institutionalized kids have many postings daily of parents who are dealing with RAD or concerned with RAD (all PI kids). Or discussing RAD studies. I am on several weblists, some of which have RAD and language development researchers as regular contributors.
I do NOT agree that there is any any conclusive evidence that shared parenting causes attachment disorder. Studies have been interpreted to support both positions. As a matter of fact, the research I've read about the process of attachment seems to indicate that failing to make the other parent available to "regularly meet the child's basic needs" actually interferes with the normal process of attachment with that parent.
An alternating week schedule, or changing every few days, should not in itself cause attachment disorder. What the researchers seem to agree to be the base cause for attachment disorder is a pattern of the child's caregivers failing to consistantly meet the child's basic needs. Which is why children who were babies in orphanages, in which they were left in wet diapers, seldom held and comforted, who were often left hungry and, because of stressed budgets (no money for heat) and limited staffs, also often cold . Who were not picked up and comforted when they expressed the need. etc. THAT is what causes RAD. And even then, my kiddo, experiencing all that orphanage neglect from birth to 25 months STILL does not suffer from RAD.
I am sorry, but I can not support the assertion that shared custody of young kids causes RAD. If a child has the experience of either available parent being there on a regular basis to meet their basic needs, there is no evidence any attachment disorder should result.
I do NOT agree that there is any any conclusive evidence that shared parenting causes attachment disorder. Studies have been interpreted to support both positions. As a matter of fact, the research I've read about the process of attachment seems to indicate that failing to make the other parent available to "regularly meet the child's basic needs" actually interferes with the normal process of attachment with that parent.
An alternating week schedule, or changing every few days, should not in itself cause attachment disorder. What the researchers seem to agree to be the base cause for attachment disorder is a pattern of the child's caregivers failing to consistantly meet the child's basic needs. Which is why children who were babies in orphanages, in which they were left in wet diapers, seldom held and comforted, who were often left hungry and, because of stressed budgets (no money for heat) and limited staffs, also often cold . Who were not picked up and comforted when they expressed the need. etc. THAT is what causes RAD. And even then, my kiddo, experiencing all that orphanage neglect from birth to 25 months STILL does not suffer from RAD.
I am sorry, but I can not support the assertion that shared custody of young kids causes RAD. If a child has the experience of either available parent being there on a regular basis to meet their basic needs, there is no evidence any attachment disorder should result.
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samson hejl said:
http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/those-jointcustody-studies.html
This seems to be one of the latest "Buzz" sites on the topic. It leans towards non-joint custody, but REAL the value of the site is the links to various research studies and names of professionals and organizations who have done research on both ends of the debate.
I personally believe it all boils down to the parents. When I've seen it work, it was split days (not months or weeks), where both parents live in close proximity and the child attends the same daycare/school with both parents, parents are amicable (and not fighting or having control issues over parenting styles) and the income levels &/or home environments are more similar than not.
Any deviation from the above (including step-parent interference, extended family interference, relationship resentment or any type of sabatoge etc.) and it's a nightmare for the children. In those cases, it becomes finger pointing and blaming- allegations, court actions etc etc ad naseum.
Read as much as you can about it~ And make your own determination based on the dynamics in your particular situation.
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my 2 cents
My Ex and I have had 50/50 since my daughter was 2 as well. It was every other weekend and Wed nights and Thursday day for him till she was School age. Then Wed and Thurs nights with the alternating w/ends. She is now 16 and wonderful (doting Mommy, what can I say) the only problem it caused was sometimes I was called Daddy by accident and sometimes he was Called Mommy.
.. I believe it has to do with the parents relationship. Make the child first always . Good luck.. 
My Ex and I have had 50/50 since my daughter was 2 as well. It was every other weekend and Wed nights and Thursday day for him till she was School age. Then Wed and Thurs nights with the alternating w/ends. She is now 16 and wonderful (doting Mommy, what can I say) the only problem it caused was sometimes I was called Daddy by accident and sometimes he was Called Mommy.
.. I believe it has to do with the parents relationship. Make the child first always . Good luck..