Son Doesn't Want To Go To Father's House

[debh1123]

What is the name of your state? TX

My 14 year old son (will be 15 in 2 months) has a volatile relationship with his father. He is now saying he does not wish to go over to his dad's house on weekend visitation at all ever again. Do I have to force him to go? Can he make his own decision about whether he goes or not? I have been making him go but tonite he was huddled in my closet crying that he did not want to go. I am sure there is a certain amount of drama involved and I believe that once he gets over to his dad's house it won't be as bad as he is anticipating but it just kills me to see him this upset.

In the past, his father has been sporadic in his visitation. He cancels out more than he actually has him. However, last week he told me that he wants custody of my son and I told him that I would never voluntarily give it up. His basis for demanding custody is that my son flunked biology this past 6 weeks therefore, I am an unfit mother. I do not drink or smoke, I rarely go out and no man has ever spent the night at my house since our divorce, and my son and I have a very close relationship. He's a good kid who never get's into a bit of trouble. He has a wonderful attitude except that he struggles a bit in school.

So basically my questions are: Does he have to go to his father's? What are the ramifications if he refuses? Also, would it be possible for my husband to get custody based on the fact that my son flunked a class in 9th grade?

Thanks for all your help!

 

[Whyte Noise]

Is there a court order for visitation?

 

[debh1123]

Yes, there is court ordered visitation. It states first and third weekends but in an effort to be cooperative to his dad, I verbally agreed to second and fourth weekends a couple of years ago and we have been on that schedule ever since.

 

[LdiJ]

Yes, there is court ordered visitation. It states first and third weekends but in an effort to be cooperative to his dad, I verbally agreed to second and fourth weekends a couple of years ago and we have been on that schedule ever since.

Technically yes, you do need to make him go. I understand fully how difficult that is since it upsets him so much. However teens honestly don't get a "choice" about parenting time. In addition, if you don't force him to go you actually give dad ammo towards a custody change. However, please seriously consider getting your son some counseling. That really CAN help him deal with the situation. In fact, if you can convince dad to participate in "family counseling" (you, dad and your son) it could even really help the situation.

As long as you are not violating parenting time...your ex would have little chance of obtaining a custody change with a teenager who doesn't WANT the change. A single bad grade, for a single grading period isn't going to effect that. However, more serious school problems CAN be a factor in a custody battle...so let your son understand the importance of making decent grades, not only for his future but for keeping the "status quo".

 

[stealth2]

Yep, he has to go.

 

[debh1123]

Thanks so much for the excellent information. There is no denying that his father is difficult. But even though his father tends to be a bit of a ......I still believe they need a relationship. There is definitely no physical abuse and at worst, his dad is so absorbed with his new wife that they pretty much just ignore my son. I also think that once he gets over to his dad's house, it's not as bad as he seems to anticipate it being. It is just so difficult to watch my (almost 15yr old) son so upset that he is huddled in the corner of my closet crying hysterically.

 

[stealth2]

Please don't take this the wrong way. But... if, as you say, there really is nothing going on (i.e. abuse, etc), his reaction is over-the-top dramatic for a 15yo, and really needs to be nipped in the bud. I have a 10yo (girl) who would pull the same thing before visits to her Dad. Tears, hysterics, "I'll miss you so much," etc. I finally told her it was really quite enough. Going is not optional, for one, and she inevitably has a decent time when she goes - so there is no reason for the huge drama for a weekend trip. If she wanted to have a cry, then she could go ahead and do so in her room as I had no intention to feed into it any more. That sounds harsh, I know. But she has always had drama queen tendencies and the more one feeds into that behavior, the worse it gets. And at 15? With no abuse, etc? It's drama-queenish.

 

[casa]

to: debh1123

Have you talked to the school about possibly getting some tutoring for the class? Some schools even have student tutors who volunteer- I would recommend that to deal with the academic issue.

I agree with LdiJ - counseling can only help. Teenage years are tumultous.

Good luck to you

 

[max221]

I read someplace (bad beginning, but I don't remember the source) that it is always good to have a kid go to see their dad. The article pointed out that "forcing" a child to have visits is not the way to go; that it is the responsibility of the custodial parent to encourage and convince the child to go the visits.

Counseling is a must. My parents divorced when I was 16: i was thrilled. My father was a psychopath: he tortured me and molested me, and I'm still trying to sort the mess out in my head. Counseling got me through some really rough spots when I was a teen and young adult. As for your son--his reaction sounds way out of bounds, unless... and counseling would help discover if there's something going on with dear old dad to create this kind of reaction.

I can't imagine he could get custody for one failed class, but you don't want it to become a pattern. Maybe a tutor is a good way to go.

And forgive me for adding that you're entitled to a life, including dating, and in the end it is healthier for your son to see you involved with someone. You are a role-model, after all.