Step-Parent Adoption

[newVAmom]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

I would like to adoption my new step-children and I'm not sure where I should start. Their biological mom died when they were infants and I've been raising them since (about a year after she died). My husband and I are now married and I would like to formerlly adopt the kids so that they are "legally" mine as well. I really don't have the money to hire a lawyer, but I really want to adopt the kids "as my own".

Can anyone point me in the right direction so that I can start looking into filling the proper paperwork?

 

[milspecgirl]

adoption is never a do-it-yourself project. Unless you are very well versed in the law there are too many small mistakes which could later void the adoption.

However, since there will be no one contesting the adoption it should be a fairly easy thing. Costs should be down since it will just be drawing up and filing the papers and no real "trial"

 

[Gracie3787]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

I would like to adoption my new step-children and I'm not sure where I should start. Their biological mom died when they were infants and I've been raising them since (about a year after she died). My husband and I are now married and I would like to formerlly adopt the kids so that they are "legally" mine as well. I really don't have the money to hire a lawyer, but I really want to adopt the kids "as my own".

Can anyone point me in the right direction so that I can start looking into filling the proper paperwork?

Try this site, it appears to have alot of info:

Adoption - Virginia Department of Social Services

 

[mistoffolees]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Virginia

I would like to adoption my new step-children and I'm not sure where I should start. Their biological mom died when they were infants and I've been raising them since (about a year after she died). My husband and I are now married and I would like to formerlly adopt the kids so that they are "legally" mine as well. I really don't have the money to hire a lawyer, but I really want to adopt the kids "as my own".

Can anyone point me in the right direction so that I can start looking into filling the proper paperwork?

Why?

Since the mother has died, there is no issue involving care of the children. There is no support issue. Your husband has 100% custody.

Now, there are three scenarios:

1. You and your husband stay together until the kids are grown. In this case, since your husband has custody, it's no different than if you adopt them. You gain nothing by adoption.

2. Your husband dies prematurely. You would have a strong argument for custody in that event (unlike the situation if Mom were still alive). Have him give you legal guardianship. No advantage to adopting them.

3. You split up sometime. If you adopt them, you're stuck with child support. If you simply live with them and love them, you can choose to pay support or not pay support. (Hint: 50% of marriages end in divorce. Don't assume that since you're madly in love that you always will be).

In this scenario there's no real advantage to adopting them and potentially a big downside.

So, with that said, again, what are you trying to accomplish? What is the goal? There may be other options.

 

[Proserpina]

If step-mom adopts the kids and becomes Mom, she may have a more-than-decent chance at custody should she split with Dad.

Especially if she is and has been the primary caregiver. Maybe that's the assurance she's looking for.

 

[mistoffolees]

duplicate post

 

[mistoffolees]

If step-mom adopts the kids and becomes Mom, she may have a more-than-decent chance at custody should she split with Dad.

Especially if she is and has been the primary caregiver. Maybe that's the assurance she's looking for.

In theory, yes. In practice? I don't know. Does anyone have any experience with such a situation? It seems odd to me that a judge would take children away from the father who has been with them their entire life to give them to someone who has been their mother for a shorter period.

Maybe in extreme cases - she comes into their lives when they're young and she is the primary caregiver - by a wide margin.


Then there's the other side. If I were marrying someone who wanted to adopt the kids solely so she could try to take them away from me in the event of a divorce, I'd be very cautious.

 

[Proserpina]

In theory, yes. In practice? I don't know. Does anyone have any experience with such a situation? It seems odd to me that a judge would take children away from the father who has been with them their entire life to give them to someone who has been their mother for a shorter period.

Maybe in extreme cases - she comes into their lives when they're young and she is the primary caregiver - by a wide margin.


Then there's the other side. If I were marrying someone who wanted to adopt the kids solely so she could try to take them away from me in the event of a divorce, I'd be very cautious.

We don't actually know that Dad has had custody the whole time; if could be that Mom had custody initially and after she died Dad and stepmom raised them together.

Stepmom did say she'd been raising them since they were infants. The ages of the kids might be good to know.

 

[milspecgirl]

on the pro side- let me tell you my story. I was married and had a sd who I adored. I was her mommy in every sense. Her own mom deserted her and we fought for almost 2 years to get her bio-mom's rights terminated so I could adopt. Since the original court papers were in al- the termination had to happen there. since I had never lived in al, they would not let me adopt there- that had to be done in tn.

In the 3 months between the TPR being finalized in alabama and the court date in tn for the adoption (which was just a formality), my hubby decided he was gay and wanted a divorce and refused to go thru with the adoption.

I had been this child's ONLY caregiver for YEARS. He refuses me any contact with her and has sent her to live with his elderly mother because he cant deal with her and her medical condition. I would give ANYTHING to have that adoption. I would pay child support if a judge would not let me have custody (that was dad's fear- why, I dont know since he doesnt have her anyways) if ordered so I could have ample visitation and contact.

My heart is broken and the hearts of my children are broken because they lost their sissy. She knows at 18 she can come to us and we will be here for her. I will even do an adult adoption to prove to everyone that she is the child of my heart.

that is my pro to a step-parent adoption

 

[newVAmom]

to clarify ...

Just to clarify:

1. Dad has had custody of kids since the youngest was born (he fought for custody of the older one while biological mom was pregnant and again when the youngest was born. It all happened around the same time and I’m not sure exactly how it all worked out as the biological mom was found to be unfit).
2. Kids are 5 and 6 now (so they will be mine for a long time!).

As to why I would want to adopt:

1. Because I love them and consider them to be "my" kids. Even if that means that I'll have to take care of them for the rest of their lives (just like every other parent)! I don’t plan on having any more kids and by adopting them it makes it “official” that I’m the mom and no one can take that away from me.
2. Adopting gives me more "legal" rights as far as decision making goes (not that Dad would oppose me). I've read on here time and time again that step-parents are not "real parents" (comments made by senior members when responding to posts). Well I want to be a "real parent". I also think that adopting them also let’s them know just how much I love them (even if they can’t understand it now – when they’re older they will)
3. If anything ever happens to my husband I want to make sure that the biological mom's family doesn't come after the kids (they fought my husband along with the biological mom when Dad sought custody).
4. I want them to be entitled to everything that my estate has to offer (even if not much – just a house and retirement accounts) just like any other biological child (and make sure that my family can’t come back to contest it).
5. I don’t care about the notion that only 50% of marriages work out and that by adopting them I’d be held “reasonable” for the kids. As far as I’m concerned they’re mine whether I gave birth to them or not just like couples who can’t have kids and adopt children together. Would you tell those couples not to adopt because 50% of marriages don’t work out? Of course not!

 

[ecmst12]

I think those are fine reasons, but if this is what you want, you'll need to start saving your pennies, because you MUST have a lawyer to make sure it's done right.

 

[newVAmom]

Thanks and will do!

 

[ecmst12]

How long have you been married?

 

[Gracie3787]

Just to clarify:

1. Dad has had custody of kids since the youngest was born (he fought for custody of the older one while biological mom was pregnant and again when the youngest was born. It all happened around the same time and I’m not sure exactly how it all worked out as the biological mom was found to be unfit).
2. Kids are 5 and 6 now (so they will be mine for a long time!).

As to why I would want to adopt:

1. Because I love them and consider them to be "my" kids. Even if that means that I'll have to take care of them for the rest of their lives (just like every other parent)! I don’t plan on having any more kids and by adopting them it makes it “official” that I’m the mom and no one can take that away from me.
2. Adopting gives me more "legal" rights as far as decision making goes (not that Dad would oppose me). I've read on here time and time again that step-parents are not "real parents" (comments made by senior members when responding to posts). Well I want to be a "real parent". I also think that adopting them also let’s them know just how much I love them (even if they can’t understand it now – when they’re older they will)
3. If anything ever happens to my husband I want to make sure that the biological mom's family doesn't come after the kids (they fought my husband along with the biological mom when Dad sought custody).
4. I want them to be entitled to everything that my estate has to offer (even if not much – just a house and retirement accounts) just like any other biological child (and make sure that my family can’t come back to contest it).
5. I don’t care about the notion that only 50% of marriages work out and that by adopting them I’d be held “reasonable” for the kids. As far as I’m concerned they’re mine whether I gave birth to them or not just like couples who can’t have kids and adopt children together. Would you tell those couples not to adopt because 50% of marriages don’t work out? Of course not!

Typically we advise posters to hire an attorney for a step-parent adoption.

However, in your situation an attorney is probably going to be a waste of money since the bio-mother is deceased, there is no one who will be contesting the adoption.

Please read the site I posted before, fill out the forms and then spend a few dollars on a simple consult with an adoption attorney just to make sure that you've filled them out properly.
The adoption should be fairly simple and inexpensive to do yourself.

 

[mistoffolees]

To clarify some more:

Just to clarify:

1. Dad has had custody of kids since the youngest was born (he fought for custody of the older one while biological mom was pregnant and again when the youngest was born. It all happened around the same time and I’m not sure exactly how it all worked out as the biological mom was found to be unfit).
2. Kids are 5 and 6 now (so they will be mine for a long time!).

As to why I would want to adopt:

1. Because I love them and consider them to be "my" kids. Even if that means that I'll have to take care of them for the rest of their lives (just like every other parent)! I don’t plan on having any more kids and by adopting them it makes it “official” that I’m the mom and no one can take that away from me.
2. Adopting gives me more "legal" rights as far as decision making goes (not that Dad would oppose me). I've read on here time and time again that step-parents are not "real parents" (comments made by senior members when responding to posts). Well I want to be a "real parent". I also think that adopting them also let’s them know just how much I love them (even if they can’t understand it now – when they’re older they will)
3. If anything ever happens to my husband I want to make sure that the biological mom's family doesn't come after the kids (they fought my husband along with the biological mom when Dad sought custody).
4. I want them to be entitled to everything that my estate has to offer (even if not much – just a house and retirement accounts) just like any other biological child (and make sure that my family can’t come back to contest it).
5. I don’t care about the notion that only 50% of marriages work out and that by adopting them I’d be held “reasonable” for the kids. As far as I’m concerned they’re mine whether I gave birth to them or not just like couples who can’t have kids and adopt children together. Would you tell those couples not to adopt because 50% of marriages don’t work out? Of course not!

Good for you. I'm not telling you not to adopt, I'm just suggesting that you give it serious consideration and work through the repercussions. If you've done that, good for you.