strange request from ex-wife, need input!

[franki]

My ex-wife has remarried, 7 months now. They moved an hour and a half away. Our kids are 10 and 12.
I have never ever missed a visitation, or a cs payment.
Today she told me that the new husband wants to adopt our kids, relieving me of cs payments, but that they would not deny me visitation, that it could be put into the adoption papers for me to have visitation. She says the reasoning is that the kids want to have the same last name and be a "whole" family....
My girlfriend says that if I were to consent to this, I would be saying goodbye to my kids forever no matter what the ex says. That there is no way that an adoption can happen and me still have any rights to visitation. I am clueless.
I do know that the ex and her new husband are working the kids minds over pretty hard with the new whole family thing.
My girlfriend also says that if I refuse, my ex will just blackmail me into signing by financial ruin, with higher cs, unecessary medical bills, etc.
What is the deal?

 

[LegalBeagle]

My ex-wife has remarried, 7 months now. They moved an hour and a half away. Our kids are 10 and 12.
I have never ever missed a visitation, or a cs payment.
Today she told me that the new husband wants to adopt our kids, relieving me of cs payments, but that they would not deny me visitation, that it could be put into the adoption papers for me to have visitation. She says the reasoning is that the kids want to have the same last name and be a "whole" family....
My girlfriend says that if I were to consent to this, I would be saying goodbye to my kids forever no matter what the ex says. That there is no way that an adoption can happen and me still have any rights to visitation. I am clueless.
I do know that the ex and her new husband are working the kids minds over pretty hard with the new whole family thing.
My girlfriend also says that if I refuse, my ex will just blackmail me into signing by financial ruin, with higher cs, unecessary medical bills, etc.
What is the deal?

You have a simple choice.. do you want to be their father and be able to have a say in their upbringing etc..

or do you want to sign away your rights, abandon your children and pay nothing.

 

[franki]

So, you're saying my girlfriend is correct?
My ex's promise of maintaining any relationship with my kids would not be allowed to be part of the order?
As things stand now, even with joint legal custody, I have no say in their upbringing. She manipulates them and everyone in her orbit like puppets. She sabotages every visit I have with a better offer, so that they end up resenting being stuck with me.
She says this is what the kids want...but the kids don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me to my face that they want the new guy to be dad.
I am exhausted. I can't afford higher child support, if that will be her next move to pressure this thing.
To be honest, I feel like my kids are abandoning me, not me abandoning them. And I am truly tired of the ongoing stress and stupidity.
No, the choice is not simple, and it seems that whatever the ex sets out to do, she manages to make it happen, no matter what the consequences.
If it is what the kids truly want, what is the point of fighting, and making more trouble for everyone?

 

[shanney27]

It sounds to me like she is trying to cut you out of your children's life. I would not for any reason agree to this. Unless like LB said you want to abandon your children. As far as her blackmailing you... I would say let her try. These are your kids and they are worth fighting for with every ounce of your being. If they are being brainwashed or whatever, there is nothing you can do about that. One day they will know the truth and you have to believe that. Keep up the CS and visitation and you will be able to maintain a relationship with them and they will know who their father really is. Good Luck!

 

[MySonsMom]

You *could* have stipulations put into the adoption papers which will still give you a right to *see* the children as she says. It would be a legal arrangement where she will be obligated to obey. But, you will have no right or say in the upbringing/decisions regarding the children. You would simply maintain a relationship with them through your visits and that is all.

 

[franki]

Really? There's a little hope?

Dear MySonsMom!
Are you sure? Stipulations like that could be put into an adoption order?
You have given me a much needed boost of hope!
Thanks!!!

 

[LegalBeagle]

If you do not have money to enforce visitation now, how will you do so when you have adopted the children?

If you agree to the adoption and decide to spend money to enforce an order for visitation for children that are not legally yours, why not do it now instead of the adoption?

 

[LegalBeagle]

Nice post Mr. Shanney.. bottom line is that it is much better to be able to look your children in the eyes 10,20 years from now and say that you did everything you could.. as opposed to them knowing you abandoned them.

 

[dorenephilpot]

A post-adoption agreement spells out the terms of visits between the child and other parties. It's enforceable, like any contract.

HOWEVER, it sounds like you have been a good dad -- always there and always doing the right thing.

No way would I urge you to let someone else adopt your children.

 

[franki]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies.
I have not made up my mind what to do yet, although I imagine my ex will relentlessly make it impossible for me to say no in the end. Not only causing me more trouble, but by working on the kids heads to resent me. She will convince them I am standing in the way of their being the wholesome family unit. The kids are already saying their last name is the new marriage name, and are upset that they can't use it to register for school.
I can't stop the brainwashing. I can't control any part of their lives as it is.
I don't think I want to put them or myself through any more legal battles. I don't want to cause resentment and friction for their sake.
If in fact I can legally maintain a relationship with them, I am having an awful hard time justifying saying no, and facing bankruptcy, financial ruin, and a lot of trauma to all involved. What would be the point, when they know I am their father no matter what, and we can stay on good terms by doing what their mother wants. Why would I NOT be able to look them in the eye, when they say this is what they want? Why would it not be better to stay on good terms with them now, then to stir up a hornets nest, in the hope that they forgive me in 10 years, when they still like me at the moment?

 

[BugHogan]

This is not what your children want, this is what your ex has manipulated them to "think" they want. Don't give up, your children WILL know the truth someday. Imagine what she's going to tell them if you sign your rights away? "Your father abandoned you because he didn't care about you. We are the only ones who really care about you, your "new" family." If you are already paying max support, there's not much she is going to be able to do to raise it, there are federal limits on how much child support she can take from your income. I know it sucks, my hubby has been through it for years, but staying a part of your children's lives is SO important. You sound like you really love those kids. My hubby's kids are now living with us, if he would have given up years ago, that dream wouldn't be coming true now!

 

[LegalBeagle]

I think our poster has already decided... The moment he signs those adoption papers his relationship with the children is 6 months away from being finished. The mother will poison them even more, she will make greater effort to stop his visitation, the children will refuse to go on the visitation, they will be told that he abandoned them... and he will end up with no relationship and no way to explain this to them in 10,20 years time..


Death is the only way I will ever 'abandon' my children...

 

[deefran]

What about going through the courts and allowing a name change?....you will stay pay child support...still have rights to visitation...to their upbringing...and continue a relationship. Or just explain to them that a name does not constitute a family..love does. No matter how difficult it is dealing with your ex..if you stuck it out this long 10 and 12 years of age is not like 10 or 12 months of age...they will realize you gave up and believe that you thought they were not worth fighting for.