Thanks to all who replied to 10 years no father

[aculbert]

What is the name of your state?Alabama

I spoke to my sons father tonight for the first time in 10 1/2 years. I'm going to call him tomorrow to schedule a meeting between hubby, myself, biodad, and his girlfriend of 2 years. (Since all parties will be a part of sons life.) I am still unsure of what needs to be discussed at this meeting. I have already discussed with biodad that their is to be no bad mouthing on either of our parts. I also need to discuss this with g/f, since she has already thrown up the past to me (which is absolutely none of her business). I don't want to overstep or sound bitchy to them. Especially to her, because I don't want her to mistreat son because of me. But also, I don't want to be run over by being "to nice". I want to lay it all out there for them to except my offer or not. I do not have to allow him visits(no CO), but I'm willing to do so for my sons benefit. Should I put something in writing and have it notorized to avoid confusion? What needs to be discussed at parent meetings? Especially after 10 years of knowing nothing about son. His whole life history I could write a book about, and still would leave things out. Any HELP would be appreciated.

 

[tigger22472]

What is the name of your state?Alabama

I spoke to my sons father tonight for the first time in 10 1/2 years. I'm going to call him tomorrow to schedule a meeting between hubby, myself, biodad, and his girlfriend of 2 years. (Since all parties will be a part of sons life.) I am still unsure of what needs to be discussed at this meeting. I have already discussed with biodad that their is to be no bad mouthing on either of our parts. I also need to discuss this with g/f, since she has already thrown up the past to me (which is absolutely none of her business). I don't want to overstep or sound bitchy to them. Especially to her, because I don't want her to mistreat son because of me. But also, I don't want to be run over by being "to nice". I want to lay it all out there for them to except my offer or not. I do not have to allow him visits(no CO), but I'm willing to do so for my sons benefit. Should I put something in writing and have it notorized to avoid confusion? What needs to be discussed at parent meetings? Especially after 10 years of knowing nothing about son. His whole life history I could write a book about, and still would leave things out. Any HELP would be appreciated.

Something notarized won't mean anything. As far as talking badly, yes it's good to get that out and have it said... but also don't really expect to be able to stop it.

Seeing how this situation is ALL parties need to remember this is about your son and what is in his best interests are. I would make sure bio knows his personality, his fears, his thoughts... etc... just so he gets an idea about him. You may have to repeat to them (maybe on a regular basis) that it's not about the adults but your son because if gf is already running her mouth I see him and her being a bit hostile to any of your ideas on how to handle this. Just sit and smile. If you use suggestions you've gotten here, you already have the upper hand because a judge will also likely order a transition period that starts out slowly.

 

[aculbert]

If you use suggestions you've gotten here, you already have the upper hand because a judge will also likely order a transition period that starts out slowly.

Thats the thing, we are not going by a CO or judges orders. He has never filed for anything. I'm just going by the goodness of my heart (btw I had to dig really deep to find it).

 

[tigger22472]

It really doesn't matter... again if you take the suggestions made here on how to make an easier transaction, he either agrees or he doesn't. If he doesn't then he'll take it to a judge for a court order and it'll be in writing what you wanted... did that make sense?

 

[aculbert]

It really doesn't matter... again if you take the suggestions made here on how to make an easier transaction, he either agrees or he doesn't. If he doesn't then he'll take it to a judge for a court order and it'll be in writing what you wanted... did that make sense?

Yeah, I understand. But, I'm still not sure what approach to take. I made the comment to him that his g/f should stay out of it. Which is not what meant to say, but it slipped out that way(really hard to communicate after 10 years). What I meant was that things conscerning son should be discussed between he and I for now. Considering she is just a girlfriend, and may not always be a part of his life, altough son will. I figure that he went in and told her what I said, which gave her a beef with me. Which will cause an attitude with her toward my son.

 

[tigger22472]

Yeah, I understand. But, I'm still not sure what approach to take. I made the comment to him that his g/f should stay out of it. Which is not what meant to say, but it slipped out that way(really hard to communicate after 10 years). What I meant was that things conscerning son should be discussed between he and I for now. Considering she is just a girlfriend, and may not always be a part of his life, altough son will. I figure that he went in and told her what I said, which gave her a beef with me. Which will cause an attitude with her toward my son.

Beef or not, you were right. This is between you and him. However, you have agreed to meet him with both his gf and your husband present. I realize your husband has been a father to you son, and I understand you wanting him to have a say, really I do, but bio won't see it that way. He'll see you saying his gf has no say but see your husband making decisions. The best approach to that in my opinion would be for your husband to really not talk to bio about anything that concerns your son. You and he can make decisions together and YOU talk to bio about it. Even at this meeting make it clear that your husband is there for moral support but the decisions made are your decisions (even if your husband did have a say).

 

[aculbert]

Beef or not, you were right. This is between you and him. However, you have agreed to meet him with both his gf and your husband present. I realize your husband has been a father to you son, and I understand you wanting him to have a say, really I do, but bio won't see it that way. He'll see you saying his gf has no say but see your husband making decisions. The best approach to that in my opinion would be for your husband to really not talk to bio about anything that concerns your son. You and he can make decisions together and YOU talk to bio about it. Even at this meeting make it clear that your husband is there for moral support but the decisions made are your decisions (even if your husband did have a say).

Biodad asked me what hubby thought about all of this. I told him at first he was very upset about the situation. I told biodad that hubby was the only father son had ever known, and that hubby felt like he was losing his own son. He said he understood that because he felt the same way about his g/f son.
I told him hubby said he owed an apology to biodads g/f for the way he spoke to her at Walmart('nother story). That after he calmed down he saw both sides, because when we were able to get to know hubby's dad he passed away 6 months later. Biodad said he understood that too, because his dad passed away(when he was younger).
I feel very strongly about this though: Biodad is paying CS, hubby works a good paying job. I guess I am the happy homemaker(hubby and I have a 3 year old). The 2 of them are the ones supporting son financially. If biodad is comfy with the idea, shouldn't hubby be able to speak? As of now the g/f does not provide anything towards son, but in this first initial meeting I am (somewhat) willing to hear her input.

 

[aculbert]

BTW Gracie


This is for you since 'mothers like me make you sick'.

 

[tigger22472]

Biodad asked me what hubby thought about all of this. I told him at first he was very upset about the situation. I told biodad that hubby was the only father son had ever known, and that hubby felt like he was losing his own son. He said he understood that because he felt the same way about his g/f son.
I told him hubby said he owed an apology to biodads g/f for the way he spoke to her at Walmart('nother story). That after he calmed down he saw both sides, because when we were able to get to know hubby's dad he passed away 6 months later. Biodad said he understood that too, because his dad passed away(when he was younger).
I feel very strongly about this though: Biodad is paying CS, hubby works a good paying job. I guess I am the happy homemaker(hubby and I have a 3 year old). The 2 of them are the ones supporting son financially. If biodad is comfy with the idea, shouldn't hubby be able to speak? As of now the g/f does not provide anything towards son, but in this first initial meeting I am (somewhat) willing to hear her input.

If BioDad is cool with it ok.. But where I see problems at is when his g/f wants to say something and YOU have an issue with it. Maybe what she says you won't take issue with and maybe it will cross a line, you don't know. I mean IMO your husband would have more say then the g/f as he's been raising your son, but I just don't see the g/f seeing it that way. It will be up to you how you handle it. You might want to lay some grounds rules out but that's up to you.

In my husband's situation I'm really involved with their child but I step back when there's a decision to be made most times. I mean if mom calls and asks if she can pick her up for a movie or she had a day off if I know we don't have plans and she asks.. I'll say ok. But when it comes to sporting activities or she's been in trouble at school and needs a punishment, her and my husband deal with it alone. I kind of have a unique situation where the bio-mom pushes me to be more involved but the problem is that she does that thinking I will agree with her and if I don't she tries to reason with me... I'm not the one she needs to reason with. My husband will ask my opinion and I give it most of the time but that doesn't mean he follows it.

 

[aculbert]

Re tigger

I am soooo glad I don't have to deal with the step children thing. I don't know if I could deal with it all. Before I married I usually dated guys that were younger than me. I met my hubby when he was 18 1/2 and I was 22(he had no ex's or children). I'm gald I chose someone younger. They carry a lot less baggage and are soooo muck easier to train. LOL

 

[Inquiry123]

Just a thought...

Have you considered having a third-party moderate this meeting? A counselor/therapist who has training in these types of family issues might be a good choice. That person could help facilitate the discussion. It might also help ensure that everybody involved stay on their best behavior.

Be specific and reduce your agreement to writing before the meeting. A third-party that you provide could be a credible witness if things go to pot in the future.