Visitation and Joint Parenting Nightmare

[max221]

[FONT=]undefined[/FONT]What is the name of your state? Illinois

I'm a man from IL, divorced 7 years, with two children ages 10 + 12, who live with their mother, also in IL. There is a joint custody (legal custody) agreement.

For the past 7 years, my ex has ignored the terms of the agreement by not discussing with me the "major decisions" that were given as examples in the document, such as, medical treatments, education, religious upbringing, etc. She has acted this whole time as if she had sole custody, merely informing me of what she had decided/done after it was too late to discuss.

I have pointed out to her many times that this is not joint parenting, and the she is in violation of the agreement. Not surprisingly, she never responds to such observations.

I'm supposed to have visitation every other weekend. However, there is always some activity that interferes with the visitation, so that I'm lucky if I see the kids once/month. When I complain about this, she tells me that she's putting the children's needs first; I try to explain that one of their most important needs is to spend time with me, but she ignores such arguments. (A pattern emerges...)

She is very wealthy, and I'm quite poor, struggling to start a new business. As a result, I'm paying nearly 50% of earnings in child support, based on the salary I had in a previous "corporate" job.

Recently, things got worse when I got a call from an orthodontist (I'm responsible for dental up to $1000/year for both kids) demanding a payment of $4500 for my daughter's braces--news to me! Needless to say I was upset. The ex pointed out that she had written me four years ago to say that my daughter "might someday" need braces, and that this was all the notification that I needed. I told the orthodontist that they didn't have permission to treat my daughter, and the ex went ballistic.

She is now demanding that I put the kids on my wife's health insurance (the ex is responsible for all medical including insurance), because the ex recently quit her 6-figure job and is self-employed. She's also demanding copies of my tax returns for the past seven years, even though there's nothing in the decree about doing so. We're supposed to meet "to talk" next week, but she made it clear that she's also considering taking me to to court. (For what???)

1. I don't want to go to court. I can't afford it, and because I'm remarried (no kids), I don't know that I have a claim for the "level playing field."

2. If the kids are constantly having activities planned (by their mother) on "my" weekends, what am I supposed to do? Can I refuse to take them?

3. I understand that the courts are not too impressed by the non-compliance with joint-parenting agreements, and will do little more than a slap on the wrist, if that. Do I have any recourse?

4. My children behave somewhat strangely around me. I don't think they have the "parental alienation syndrome" but there are some vague suggestions of it. Since I can't demonstrate a clear pattern or behavior from the kids, is there anything I can do?

5. I just want her to leave me alone. I want to see my children, to try to have them begin (at this late date) to know who I am, and to give them all the love that I suspect they don't get at "home."

(Sorry about the rant.) Angry, miserable, and frustrated...

 

[LdiJ]

[FONT=]undefined[/FONT]What is the name of your state? Illinois

I'm a man from IL, divorced 7 years, with two children ages 10 + 12, who live with their mother, also in IL. There is a joint custody (legal custody) agreement.

For the past 7 years, my ex has ignored the terms of the agreement by not discussing with me the "major decisions" that were given as examples in the document, such as, medical treatments, education, religious upbringing, etc. She has acted this whole time as if she had sole custody, merely informing me of what she had decided/done after it was too late to discuss.

I have pointed out to her many times that this is not joint parenting, and the she is in violation of the agreement. Not surprisingly, she never responds to such observations.

I'm supposed to have visitation every other weekend. However, there is always some activity that interferes with the visitation, so that I'm lucky if I see the kids once/month. When I complain about this, she tells me that she's putting the children's needs first; I try to explain that one of their most important needs is to spend time with me, but she ignores such arguments. (A pattern emerges...)

She is very wealthy, and I'm quite poor, struggling to start a new business. As a result, I'm paying nearly 50% of earnings in child support, based on the salary I had in a previous "corporate" job.

Recently, things got worse when I got a call from an orthodontist (I'm responsible for dental up to $1000/year for both kids) demanding a payment of $4500 for my daughter's braces--news to me! Needless to say I was upset. The ex pointed out that she had written me four years ago to say that my daughter "might someday" need braces, and that this was all the notification that I needed. I told the orthodontist that they didn't have permission to treat my daughter, and the ex went ballistic.

She is now demanding that I put the kids on my wife's health insurance (the ex is responsible for all medical including insurance), because the ex recently quit her 6-figure job and is self-employed. She's also demanding copies of my tax returns for the past seven years, even though there's nothing in the decree about doing so. We're supposed to meet "to talk" next week, but she made it clear that she's also considering taking me to to court. (For what???)

1. I don't want to go to court. I can't afford it, and because I'm remarried (no kids), I don't know that I have a claim for the "level playing field."

2. If the kids are constantly having activities planned (by their mother) on "my" weekends, what am I supposed to do? Can I refuse to take them?

3. I understand that the courts are not too impressed by the non-compliance with joint-parenting agreements, and will do little more than a slap on the wrist, if that. Do I have any recourse?

4. My children behave somewhat strangely around me. I don't think they have the "parental alienation syndrome" but there are some vague suggestions of it. Since I can't demonstrate a clear pattern or behavior from the kids, is there anything I can do?

5. I just want her to leave me alone. I want to see my children, to try to have them begin (at this late date) to know who I am, and to give them all the love that I suspect they don't get at "home."

(Sorry about the rant.) Angry, miserable, and frustrated...

Well, regarding the children's activities I really do feel that you should cooperate with those and take your children to their activities during your weekends. Don't give up your weekend for the activities, just permit your children to participate. They are getting to the ages where they will begin to resent spending time with you if it means that they can't participate in their activities. Remember that a great many activities, particularly sports or dance take place every weekend. So if they can't do it on your weekend, that means that they can't do it AT ALL.

I will tell you that if your ex no longer has medical insurance for the children it would be WISE for your wife to add them to her policy at work if that is possible. Its huge financial risk for both you and your ex, for them to be without insurance. Child support can be modified to reflect that.

The only recourse for the rest of it is to file for contempt. If you cannot afford an attorney you can represent yourself. Its not the best move, but it CAN be done. If you don't do that, then your only option is to live with things the way that they are.

 

[misslawli]

Have to disagree!!!

While normally I do tend to agree with Ld, I have to strongly disagree here. File contempt charges. You can do it your self. For the lack of visitation and dropping the insurance and have your CS modified. Have it put into the judgement that she cover your court costs. While weekend activities are important, so is a good relationship with the father. Kids should play sports and do activities because they enjoy it, not because mom is controlling and manipulative and wants to interfere. Also see if it can be put in that if she does not properly notify you of medical expenses in an appropriate time frame she is to bear the financial burden. If you are only required to pay $1,000 for the dental pay that and only that. While in a perfect world it would be nice to be considerate and help out in certain aspects such as "sure dear ex wife we can put the kids on new wifes insurance since you no longer have any.." but consideration is a two way street and he doesn't owe her squat. You owe your kids and yes ,being civil for your kids sake is Ideal. You gotta try. As for the kids resenting you, of course, that is what she wants to happen. that is why she signs them up and schedules thier events for your weekends. Technically if it is your week end you go get the kids and what you do with them (aside from neglect and abuse) is your business. NOT thier mothers. It would be nice of you to take them to thier event on you weekend. But not mandatory. Iknow it only takes one rotten apple to spoil the whole barrel. Not all Cp's are evil just as not all NCP's are deadbeats. I may get jumped on for this post, and granted we don't know the whole story, but I do know one thing, based on youre post, If my ex was anything like you I would be jumping for joy!!

 

[max221]

Thank you all for your--sometimes conflicting--advice. And misslawli, thank you for the *blush* compliment.

With regard to health insurance, ex has COBRA, with the kids on it. It's expensive, and she wants to save money. I spoke with my lawyer who advised me to never, never agree to do this. Her rational was that if something happened to one of the kids and ex couldn't/wouldn't pay, that the policy holder (my wife) would be liable: collection agencies, liens on property, etc., and that it could take years to enforce any document that stated that the ex was financially responsible.

I realize that the kids are only going to have more interests and weekend activities as they get older. And in a sense, I don't care about all ex's claims and demands except where it comes to the kids. I'm afraid that I have already lost them: they never call (even on birthday); they show no interest in me as a person. I remember being very fascinated when I was a kid in what both my parents did; my kids are blase, indifferent to almost everything. If I ask the kids what they want to do (a weekend without activities--hurrah!), my son wants to watch TV and all my daughter can think of (and she's almost 13!) is to go the petstore. Neither of them has ever told me they love me. (I tell them I love them all the time.)

When all is said and done, threats and counter-threats between the ex and me) all I want at the end of the day is loving relationship with my kids. My heart is broken, and there seems to be no fixing it.

Thanks for reading--as you may have guessed I could go on forever--and for your advice. The first campaign in the battle is next Wednesday... no doubt there will be new installments after that.