What are the Rules about marrying while hospitalized?

[dannysmyboy]

What is the name of your state?California.

My mother and her boyfriend have been living together for 15 years. He is 69, she is 65. They have no accounts, but he used the same address as my mom for 10 years now. Both parties have their own assets, homes, etc. so it's not a matter of money.

Her boyfriend was in an accident and is in the hospital. He was in a coma for 2 weeks and has since awake for 3 weeks now. He will have to re-learn everthing all over again. He recognizes people, smiles, follows you with his eyes and mouths sentences. We can't here him, because there is a tube in his throat that keeps him from choking. He has a feeding tube in his nose that goes directly into his stomach for food and water. Again, this is all temporary until he gets better, although no one really knows how much better he will get. He will most likely spend the rest of his days in a nursing facility, cause it will take years for him to get back to the way he was. He's not a young man.

he is not in a vegetative state, he is alert and knows his surroundings. He will purse his lips when my mom kisses him.

Anyhow. to make a longer story short. Before the accident they were talking about marriage. I know that there are criteria that needs to be met before a marriage can be valid. I read a previous post about validity of marriages in California (waiting periods, between the license issueance and the cermony, blood tests, fees, etc.). Would the same criteria need to be met if someone was in the hospital in this state?

My mother would like to get married before he passes, in case his body starts to fail him.

Does anyone have any idea, if their's any leadway for the criteria of these types of marriages in California?

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Since he isn't able to speak due to his medical condition, his competency will be an issue. What legal issues have already been addressed? Wills, POA etc?
I suggest that they consult a probate/elder law attorney. If they both want a marriage it can be arranged, it is possible there will be other options. Marriage will affect the amount of Social Security they receive.

 

[dannysmyboy]

Since he isn't able to speak due to his medical condition, his competency will be an issue. What legal issues have already been addressed? Wills, POA etc?
I suggest that they consult a probate/elder law attorney. If they both want a marriage it can be arranged, it is possible there will be other options. Marriage will affect the amount of Social Security they receive.

It's kinda long story, but I'll shorten it.

He has a will, which he is leaving everything to his son...There's no problem there, my mother has her own assets, $$, doesn't need his....There is no Power of Attorney, and no Healthcare Directive. My stepdad cannot speak currently, because of a tube that keeps his airway passage clear. He is not on life support, oxygen. Only has a feeding tube in his nose, that feeds water and Ensure to his stomach. He is communicating with his eyes, facial expressions, and mouths sentences. He smiles and chuckles when you tell him a joke. He can move his right side of his body and will sqeeze your hand. He will shake a man's hand when coming into the room. He will point at you and do a slight wave with his hand when you tell him you are leaving the room. He follows you with is eyes and when you speak to him, you can tell that he is listening and understand. He even nods/shakes his head when you ask him questions. He's getting better each week. Here's the real issue. He has 2 kids (40, 42 yrs old) and they don't want to take care of him (so they say). They want the feeding tube removed, cause they say "their father wouldn't want to live this way". It's only been 5 weeks since the accident. There is nothing in writing to indicate that the children have power of attorney, only a will that states the son gets everything, daughter gets nothing (a different story, altogether). My mother's boyfriend has placed 2 sisters and his own mother in a nursing home when they required 24 hour care. He never pulled any plugs on them, so we don't think that he would want this for himself. We don't know how much better he will get, only time will tell. The doctor's can't guarantee a full recovery, partial recovery or if this is all he will do. They told us this 3 weeks ago, but he has done many new things since then, so we know he is showing improvement.

The reason I was asking about the marriage is because his family (minus the kids) and my mother want him to continue to try and get better. They want him to have therapy and rehabilitation. He is a strong man, worked out, took vitamins, not overweight or ever sick. This man has 6 brothers/sisters. His 2 kids already told the hospital to take the tube out once, the family hired an attorney and the judge ordered the tube back in, and now we have 3 week stay until the next court hearing. The judge assigned this man his own court-appointed attorney to act in his behalf. The attorney for the family has visited this man and he doesn't think the children have any legal reason to remove his feeding tube, so the battle is on.... We are going to video tape his progress this week.

We thought that if they were married, then my mother can control the situation. The man's kids don't have any assets of their own, no $$, etc and we believe there are looking at the potential payout on his death. If he continues to live and gets better, then they have to use his assets to provide for his medical care. The daughter was written out of the will, and she is the one who is "trying" to call all the shots here. She definitely has motive to want him dead. Unfortunately, the son is going along with the sister, because he doesn't have a backbone to stick up for his father. She's a very intimidating person. My mother doesn't want/need anything, so if he passes on his own accord, she doesn't have a problem with his will as it stands.

Just trying to find out if he can speak and make an "X" as a signature in front of unbiased witnesses, etc. will the marriage hold up in court??? My mother doesn't want anything from this man, just want's to give him an opportunity to live. They've lived together for 15 years, called each other married, etc. My mother is an old-fashioned catholic, so when my father passed away, she didn't feel right about re-marriage, but in light of what's happened recently, she's wants to help this man....

Any great information/advice would be wonderful. I hope this post was clear enough

 

[Zephyr]

can the man answer questions, nodding? have the doctors determined that he is unable to make decisions or just unable to communicate his wishes?

 

[dannysmyboy]

can the man answer questions, nodding? have the doctors determined that he is unable to make decisions or just unable to communicate his wishes?

Yes, he can answer questions nodding, however, it's been 5 weeks since the accident. He doesn't always do it, somedays, he's more tired than others. But on a good day, when he's very alert and mentally active, he nods/shakes his head often to answer to questions. We give him a pen and paper and he will hold it and attempt to write, but it's at this point not readable. But you can tell he is doing "cursive" writing.

As far as the doctors giving us information. They told us that they can only discuss his care with his children (next of kin), since my mother was never married to him. however, the family attorney will address this issue in court. So when we ask, and I do ask when I'm there, they just say "he's the same", and leave.

This is a very complicated story, too long to go over. There's a lot of bad blood between the father and daughter, and apparently he didn't know the level of bad blood with his son. He is not in a coma, not a vegetable, and his children want his feeding tube removed. He is leaving his son lots of $$ and his son has shown his sister the will. His sister is not getting anything upon his death, and she is the one who has been calling the shots on the "feeding tube removal" issue. So she definitely has motive. Also, we just found out the the kids have been removing items from this man's home (beautiful carved wood pieces that he made himself) and giving it away to their friends). The family attorney is addressing this as well. Even though this man lived with my mother, he still had his own home with his own stuff. This man allowed his son to live there alone to take care of the home. My mother told me that (2 years prior to this accident), this man told his son that he can live there, take care of the house/yard, etc, but not to do anything with his belongings. He also told the son that the daughter and his (mother) X-wife were not welcome in his home and did not want them there, period, otherwise he would have to leave himself. My mother was standing there when he told his son this. Well, since the accident, they have been there and the X took a beautiful old fashioned desk that this man built. The X tried to get this piece during the divorce 15 years ago and she lost. Neighbors had witnessed this and called my mother. My mother has known this family for years, so she knows what she's talking about. My mother doesn't need any of this man's things, she's well off in her own right. She just wants this man to live and get better, which with baby steps, he is improving daily. I visit this man 4 days a week, during my lunch break from work, and every Saturday. Since I've been there I've only seen these kids twice and they just walked up to the bed, looked at him and left. My mother is there everyday, 8am - 8pm and she has only seen them one other time.

This man has a court-appointed attorney now, so hopefully a judge will see that this man is not in the state of mind that he should be terminated. We were advised by the family attorney to take videos of his improvement, nodding, writing, laughing, waving, so he can use that in court to show the judge that this man is not in a coma. During the first emergency court hearing, when the family demanded the feeding tube back in, the kids stood up in court and told the judge their father was in a coma. The family attorney had visited him 2 days prior and told the judge that this information was false, that in fact he was awake and alert. So the judge ordered the tube back in and another court hearing in 3 weeks with a 3 attorneys (the families, my stepdads, and the kids attorney).

FYI, I call him my stepdad, cause he's been in my life for 15 years and a wonderful person.

Would a this marriage be legal if this man improves enough to nod his head and sign his name?

 

[LdiJ]

Yes, he can answer questions nodding, however, it's been 5 weeks since the accident. He doesn't always do it, somedays, he's more tired than others. But on a good day, when he's very alert and mentally active, he nods/shakes his head often to answer to questions. We give him a pen and paper and he will hold it and attempt to write, but it's at this point not readable. But you can tell he is doing "cursive" writing.

As far as the doctors giving us information. They told us that they can only discuss his care with his children (next of kin), since my mother was never married to him. however, the family attorney will address this issue in court. So when we ask, and I do ask when I'm there, they just say "he's the same", and leave.

This is a very complicated story, too long to go over. There's a lot of bad blood between the father and daughter, and apparently he didn't know the level of bad blood with his son. He is not in a coma, not a vegetable, and his children want his feeding tube removed. He is leaving his son lots of $$ and his son has shown his sister the will. His sister is not getting anything upon his death, and she is the one who has been calling the shots on the "feeding tube removal" issue. So she definitely has motive. Also, we just found out the the kids have been removing items from this man's home (beautiful carved wood pieces that he made himself) and giving it away to their friends). The family attorney is addressing this as well. Even though this man lived with my mother, he still had his own home with his own stuff. This man allowed his son to live there alone to take care of the home. My mother told me that (2 years prior to this accident), this man told his son that he can live there, take care of the house/yard, etc, but not to do anything with his belongings. He also told the son that the daughter and his (mother) X-wife were not welcome in his home and did not want them there, period, otherwise he would have to leave himself. My mother was standing there when he told his son this. Well, since the accident, they have been there and the X took a beautiful old fashioned desk that this man built. The X tried to get this piece during the divorce 15 years ago and she lost. Neighbors had witnessed this and called my mother. My mother has known this family for years, so she knows what she's talking about. My mother doesn't need any of this man's things, she's well off in her own right. She just wants this man to live and get better, which with baby steps, he is improving daily. I visit this man 4 days a week, during my lunch break from work, and every Saturday. Since I've been there I've only seen these kids twice and they just walked up to the bed, looked at him and left. My mother is there everyday, 8am - 8pm and she has only seen them one other time.

This man has a court-appointed attorney now, so hopefully a judge will see that this man is not in the state of mind that he should be terminated. We were advised by the family attorney to take videos of his improvement, nodding, writing, laughing, waving, so he can use that in court to show the judge that this man is not in a coma. During the first emergency court hearing, when the family demanded the feeding tube back in, the kids stood up in court and told the judge their father was in a coma. The family attorney had visited him 2 days prior and told the judge that this information was false, that in fact he was awake and alert. So the judge ordered the tube back in and another court hearing in 3 weeks with a 3 attorneys (the families, my stepdads, and the kids attorney).

FYI, I call him my stepdad, cause he's been in my life for 15 years and a wonderful person.

Would a this marriage be legal if this man improves enough to nod his head and sign his name?

Honestly, you would really need the attorney's take on that. I certainly think its possible...but you need an answer from an attorney. What would probably be better, and maybe even easier, would be to get a guardian appointed to make medical decisions for him.....maybe even your mother.

Talk to his attorney more about videotaping him......or even about doing a video-taped deposition....whether or not someone could ask him who he wants to make medical decisions for him, and have him point at your mother.

 

[dannysmyboy]

Honestly, you would really need the attorney's take on that. I certainly think its possible...but you need an answer from an attorney. What would probably be better, and maybe even easier, would be to get a guardian appointed to make medical decisions for him.....maybe even your mother.

Talk to his attorney more about videotaping him......or even about doing a video-taped deposition....whether or not someone could ask him who he wants to make medical decisions for him, and have him point at your mother.

That would be an excellent idea. To try to get him to say who he want's appointed to make medical decisions for him.. I'll ask the family attorney. He is the one who told us to video-tape him doing various things. I guess so he can have some proof that he is responding and not in a vegetative state. I have some really good video of him kissing my mom's hand, writing on a pad of paper (doing it himself with no help from anyone, and holding the pen correctly). The kids are pushing the issue that he will never get any better and wouldn't want to live this way, however, we feel differently. Thanks
for the idea on getting him to point at my mom....

 

[cyana24]

Arrgh - those selfish, greedy "kids".

It sounds like he suffered a brain injury, either as a result of his accident or he had a stroke because of it.

I certainly can sympathize and offer hope. I was in an accident almost nine years ago and suffered a brain injury. I had to learn to do everything again, talking, reading, writing, etc. I had a breathing tube for about five weeks and a feeding tube directly connected to my stomach for three months. My right side is still affected but I can walk with a walker or quad cane. He will continue to improve - trust me. The fact that he's so responsive is a great sign. I think having your lawyer videotape his deliberate actions, blinking in response to questions, raising his non-affected limb and pointing at various people (including your mom) and objects, is a great idea.

Five weeks is nothing when you're talking about milestones to recovery from a brain injury.

 

[BlondiePB]

dannysmyboy,
I have some cents/sense to add to this situation. Rmet was correct regarding that your mom's boyfriend's capacity will be evaluated (who I will refer to as John). It would be a very inappropriate for your mom to marry John while these proceedings are being done. That would be just as bad as what John's bad daughter has done. Furthermore, the judge would/could invalidate the marriage and be very irate at your mother.

When a person does not have Advanced Directives/Living Will naming an agent to make medical decisions, the proper procedure for health care facilities is to acquire a Health Care Surrogate/Health Care Proxy for the person. This can also be done by a person who wants to make those decisions with the assistance of the Administrator of the facility. This is done via a court order.

What many Health Care Surrogates/Proxys and health care facilities/providers do not understand is that the Health Care Surrogate/Proxy needs to have a court order allowing the Surrogate/Proxy to have any life support removed (and other medical decisions) - which is done by petitioning the court. Just as what has happened with John, someone can challenge the decision(s) of the person making the medical decisions. I strongly suggest you read your state statutes regarding this.

In CA, guardian is referred to as conservator. These court appointments are preferrably awarded to a spouse/family member first. An alleged incompetent, does have the right to say who he/she wants appointed as conservator. That is something that the court appointed attorney (CAO) does/supposed to inquire of the alleged incompetent.

When one is appointed conservator/guardian, that does not automatically mean that the conservator has the right to make medical decisions for the ward. The court order must specifically state that the conservator is also the Health Care Surrogate/Proxy.

Your family attorney, who I hope is very familiar with conservator law, will be able to obtain the capacity evaluations. The capacity of whether John is capable of marrying or not will be assessed. Should John be declared competent, he can marry your mother. Should John be declared incompetent, he cannot marry without court approval. If your mother becomes John's conservator, this would be a conflict of interest.

Your mother deserves the right to care for John. I hope that he is declared competent to marry and does marry your mother. It would be prudent to review the evaluations to learn whether or not John is competent to make that decision. If he is not, then have your mother apply to be his conservator and his health care surrogate. If you mom is appointed, then she can tell John's bad daughter and his son to bite rocks.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Thank you Blondie for going through the whole complex process. It sounds as if there has been some sort of attorney appointed for "John" and that he is not alert all the time and will likely be judged incompetent, for the time being.

 

[dannysmyboy]

Thank you Blondie for going through the whole complex process. It sounds as if there has been some sort of attorney appointed for "John" and that he is not alert all the time and will likely be judged incompetent, for the time being.

thank you everyone for your help and support. "John" fell off a ladder 5 weeks ago and hit his head/shoulder area. He was in a coma for 2 weeks with a tube in his head to drain the fluid. He's been out of the coma for 4 weeks now. He is 69. He has a court-appointed attorney that has come to see him once that we know of. I wasn't sure what his job was, but with your comments and information, I'm understanding what his job is now. Every day that I'm there, and I go everyday, weekends, and my lunch times, to talk and work with him. I asked the nurses when will he be able to get some formal therapy or rehabilitation and one nurse told me the "kids" declined it. Makes me so mad!! I did get some really good video of my stepdad waving, writing and talking/following conversations. He will lift his hand and point to something that you ask him to point to. I gave him a stuffed kitten (beanie baby), cause it seemed like he always wanted to hold something. I left the kitten next to him and asked him to pick it up and he did.

Since the 1st court day (8 days ago), the kids have yet to see him. My mother is there from 8am-8pm visiting hours and she has not seen them there (unless of course, they slither in after hours). I will try and get some more information from the family and the attorney.

thanks everyone....

 

[rmet4nzkx]

What county is he hospitalized in? Have you and or your mom contacted the probate court for the conservator's office? How do your know if this is a court appointed attorney appointed to represent him and not an attorney hired by his children to represent their interest? There should be records at the court house about this. Has you mother tried to get an EA restraining order or contacted APS?
What happened at this court date 8 days ago?

 

[dannysmyboy]

What county is he hospitalized in? Have you and or your mom contacted the probate court for the conservator's office? How do your know if this is a court appointed attorney appointed to represent him and not an attorney hired by his children to represent their interest? There should be records at the court house about this. Has you mother tried to get an EA restraining order or contacted APS?
What happened at this court date 8 days ago?

He is in Santa Clara County (Kaiser Hospital). My mother doesn't speak English very well, so I've been talking to the attorney for her. I will definitely talk to the attorney today and ask him about conservatorship and this stuff.

8 days ago: We were in court when the judge appointed an attorney for my stepdad. The kids did not show up with an attorney, and were instructed to provide their own attorney. I don't know what an EA restraining order is but I will definitely bring this up.

I just got off the phone with my mother. When I call the attorney, I'm going to tell him about some abuse that has been going on in the hospital between the kids and him.....Short story,
My mother left at 8:00pm, and 2 lady friends had just shown up and were going to stay a while. These 2 ladies called my mother within 15 minutes of my mother leaving. Told my mother to get down to the hospital right away. Here's what happened. The kids showed up at 8:15. The daughter went up to the bed and sat on my stepdad's good leg. (he can only move one leg freely at this time). The 2 ladies were in the room and told her to move off his leg, and she kept leaning into him. She told them she wasn't doing anything wrong. The ladies told my mom that my stepdad was trying to move his leg. Then he started coughing and the daughter started pounding him on the chest. The 2 ladies can see and hear the pounding. One lady told the other to go and get a nurse. One left the room and tried to bring a nurse in, but by that time, the daughter got up and the kids left.


This makes me so angry!!!! I don't know if there has been any other instances of this behavior when no one is there. My mom believes that the kids wait until 8pm to go to his room.

 

[BlondiePB]

We were in court when the judge appointed an attorney for my stepdad.

The court appointed attorney is representing "John" and no one else. Please inform your family attorney about the shanagans and have your attorney call the court appointed attorney.