What makes "A hill to die on?"

[InfantCustody]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NC, but not really relevant...

When you are trying to co-parent with a nearly impossible ex, what makes a "hill to die on" so to speak?

What do you just let roll off your back?

Do you ever "argue" your point for the principle of the matter (when you ARE right by court order), or will that only cause MORE issues?

So, all in all, what makes it a "hill to die on!!??"

 

[Antigone*]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? NC, but not really relevant...

When you are trying to co-parent with a nearly impossible ex, what makes a "hill to die on" so to speak?

What do you just let roll off your back?

Do you ever "argue" your point for the principle of the matter (when you ARE right by court order), or will that only cause MORE issues?

So, all in all, what makes it a "hill to die on!!??"

It is a very personal choice; but remember this, if you are doing this to hurt your ex more than help your kids, get off the hill.

 

[single317dad]

It is a very personal choice; but remember this, if you are doing this to hurt your ex more than help your kids, get off the hill.

Excellent advice, and I would add that if you're going to fight the fight, make it a fight you can win. No sense wasting karma on a losing battle.

 

[penelope10]

As one who has been divorced for many years, I can simply state that as the years roll on things that caused "problems" have become viewed as less problematic. And that sometimes being the "bigger" person for the sake of the kiddo is well worth it in the long run. Children deserve to have both parents involved in their lives even if Mom and Dad aren't married anymore.

 

[stealth2]

To *me*? Only issues where the child(ren)'s safety is at a real and provable danger.

OR... possibly when you get to a point where there is absolutely nothing left to lose. Then it might depend on the devil's details.

 

[InfantCustody]

Thank you for both replies.

Here's my thing. My ex is on supervised visitation, by his father supervising, and on Monday he is going to be working until 5 pm. His visitation ends at 5 pm - so he won't be there the entire day. If he is unavailable to watch the baby for 4 hours or more (with his father providing care in those 4 hours) I have a ROFR in the court order and I can choose to watch the baby instead.

On Monday, I said I will look at my schedule, but will probably pick the baby up so I can spend some extra time with him. He is refusing to allow me to pick the baby up and said if I show up, no one will answer the door. He said he will come home from work every 3 hours and 55 minutes, for 5 minutes, so I cannot get the baby on Monday and his family will watch the baby instead. He said he won't need care more than 4 hours. He will need it for 2.5 periods of 3 hours, 55 minutes. He said it is HIS time, whether he is using it or not. After he picked a huge fight, he said his Grandma is in town and he wants her to spend time with the baby and IF that is true, I would not want to deprive the baby of spending time with a Great Grandmother who has limited years left. I don't know. My attorney said it would likely be contempt of court and at minimum would not please the judge, but I don't really know if you make it a hill to die on. As many of you "know" - he has NO RESPECT for anyone or anything including the court order. That is where I don't know how the principle of the matter comes into play.

So, Monday I gather the baby will stay with his Dad's father for 2.5 periods of 3 hours, 55 minutes. And then I will have to decide if this is a hill to die on or one to just suck up and let go despite the complete disrespect. The petty side of me feels like the court order says it is my CHOICE if I pick him up or not, and if I choose to let him stay FINE, but dad shouldn't be telling me "I won't let you follow the court order."

I have mixed feelings about if I am being an unreasonable b*tch or if this is worth being bothered over. If I am, feel free to tell me. You can't offend me. I just consider it free training (along with the free advice)!

 

[single317dad]

Thank you for both replies.

Here's my thing. My ex is on supervised visitation, by his father supervising, and on Monday he is going to be working until 5 pm. His visitation ends at 5 pm - so he won't be there the entire day. If he is unavailable to watch the baby for 4 hours or more (with his father providing care in those 4 hours) I have a ROFR in the court order and I can choose to watch the baby instead.

On Monday, I said I will look at my schedule, but will probably pick the baby up so I can spend some extra time with him. He is refusing to allow me to pick the baby up and said if I show up, no one will answer the door. He said he will come home from work every 3 hours and 55 minutes, for 5 minutes, so I cannot get the baby on Monday and his family will watch the baby instead. He said he won't need care more than 4 hours. He will need it for 2.5 periods of 3 hours, 55 minutes. He said it is HIS time, whether he is using it or not. After he picked a huge fight, he said his Grandma is in town and he wants her to spend time with the baby and IF that is true, I would not want to deprive the baby of spending time with a Great Grandmother who has limited years left. I don't know. My attorney said it would likely be contempt of court and at minimum would not please the judge, but I don't really know if you make it a hill to die on. As many of you "know" - he has NO RESPECT for anyone or anything including the court order. That is where I don't know how the principle of the matter comes into play.

So, Monday I gather the baby will stay with his Dad's father for 2.5 periods of 3 hours, 55 minutes. And then I will have to decide if this is a hill to die on or one to just suck up and let go despite the complete disrespect. The petty side of me feels like the court order says it is my CHOICE if I pick him up or not, and if I choose to let him stay FINE, but dad shouldn't be telling me "I won't let you follow the court order."

I have mixed feelings about if I am being an unreasonable b*tch or if this is worth being bothered over. If I am, feel free to tell me. You can't offend me. I just consider it free training (along with the free advice)!

If you're being disrespected by your ex, you should let it go. If your child will be in danger from the grandparents' abuse or neglect, it's time to fight. Otherwise, just save it in a collection of things to use in another hearing on another day.

Good luck.

 

[Antigone*]

O/T ~ good to see you back Penelope!

 

[stealth2]

Thank you for both replies.

Here's my thing. My ex is on supervised visitation, by his father supervising, and on Monday he is going to be working until 5 pm. His visitation ends at 5 pm - so he won't be there the entire day. If he is unavailable to watch the baby for 4 hours or more (with his father providing care in those 4 hours) I have a ROFR in the court order and I can choose to watch the baby instead.

On Monday, I said I will look at my schedule, but will probably pick the baby up so I can spend some extra time with him. He is refusing to allow me to pick the baby up and said if I show up, no one will answer the door. He said he will come home from work every 3 hours and 55 minutes, for 5 minutes, so I cannot get the baby on Monday and his family will watch the baby instead. He said he won't need care more than 4 hours. He will need it for 2.5 periods of 3 hours, 55 minutes. He said it is HIS time, whether he is using it or not. After he picked a huge fight, he said his Grandma is in town and he wants her to spend time with the baby and IF that is true, I would not want to deprive the baby of spending time with a Great Grandmother who has limited years left. I don't know. My attorney said it would likely be contempt of court and at minimum would not please the judge, but I don't really know if you make it a hill to die on. As many of you "know" - he has NO RESPECT for anyone or anything including the court order. That is where I don't know how the principle of the matter comes into play.

So, Monday I gather the baby will stay with his Dad's father for 2.5 periods of 3 hours, 55 minutes. And then I will have to decide if this is a hill to die on or one to just suck up and let go despite the complete disrespect. The petty side of me feels like the court order says it is my CHOICE if I pick him up or not, and if I choose to let him stay FINE, but dad shouldn't be telling me "I won't let you follow the court order."

I have mixed feelings about if I am being an unreasonable b*tch or if this is worth being bothered over. If I am, feel free to tell me. You can't offend me. I just consider it free training (along with the free advice)!

This is not a hill I would die on, personally.

 

[penelope10]

O/T ~ good to see you back Penelope!

Thanks good to be back!

 

[InfantCustody]

This is not a hill I would die on, personally.

Thank you. I always appreciate your advice somewhat more than my lawyers when it comes to what I should get worked up over, as you have no financial gain in "fueling the fire!"

 

[stealth2]

And I'll tell ya.... I am actually working my way up a hill I may be willing to die on. 'Cause my kids are getting screwed, and I'm pretty close to having nothing left to lose.

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you for both replies.

Here's my thing. My ex is on supervised visitation, by his father supervising, and on Monday he is going to be working until 5 pm. His visitation ends at 5 pm - so he won't be there the entire day. If he is unavailable to watch the baby for 4 hours or more (with his father providing care in those 4 hours) I have a ROFR in the court order and I can choose to watch the baby instead.

On Monday, I said I will look at my schedule, but will probably pick the baby up so I can spend some extra time with him. He is refusing to allow me to pick the baby up and said if I show up, no one will answer the door. He said he will come home from work every 3 hours and 55 minutes, for 5 minutes, so I cannot get the baby on Monday and his family will watch the baby instead. He said he won't need care more than 4 hours. He will need it for 2.5 periods of 3 hours, 55 minutes. He said it is HIS time, whether he is using it or not. After he picked a huge fight, he said his Grandma is in town and he wants her to spend time with the baby and IF that is true, I would not want to deprive the baby of spending time with a Great Grandmother who has limited years left. I don't know. My attorney said it would likely be contempt of court and at minimum would not please the judge, but I don't really know if you make it a hill to die on. As many of you "know" - he has NO RESPECT for anyone or anything including the court order. That is where I don't know how the principle of the matter comes into play.

So, Monday I gather the baby will stay with his Dad's father for 2.5 periods of 3 hours, 55 minutes. And then I will have to decide if this is a hill to die on or one to just suck up and let go despite the complete disrespect. The petty side of me feels like the court order says it is my CHOICE if I pick him up or not, and if I choose to let him stay FINE, but dad shouldn't be telling me "I won't let you follow the court order."

I have mixed feelings about if I am being an unreasonable b*tch or if this is worth being bothered over. If I am, feel free to tell me. You can't offend me. I just consider it free training (along with the free advice)!

I am not sure that I agree with the others. You have an ex that has no respect whatsoever for the court orders and unless he is forced to obey them, that won't get better, it will get worse.

This particular issue may not be a hill to die on, but it may embolden him to push further on the next issue...until it spirals out of control. I have unfortunately seen this happen MANY times in my lifetime.

Are you able to communicate cordially with grandpa? If so, I would be tempted to discuss the matter with grandpa, as the official supervisor. I would be pointing out to grandpa that if great-grandma is going to be visiting that you truly have no problem with leaving the child with him, even though it's in violation of the court order. However, I would also point out to grandpa that if that is not the case, that his son cannot afford to be in violation of the court orders, nor can grandpa afford the risk of being removed as the supervisor for allowing his son to violate the court orders.

What is or isn't a hill to die on can be a delicate balancing act in many individual cases. Its logical and sensible to be flexible when the situation warrants (like a great grandparent visiting), but it can do more harm than good in many situations where you have a parent with total disrespect for the court orders.

 

[haiku]

People who have NO respect for court orders are not likely going to be swayed no matter what you do.

My husband has an ex who has disrespected the court orders for nearly 16 years now. He spent tens of thousands of dollars to spend tens of thousands of dollars to prove it! Nothing mattered to her, she had the kids, she made the rules. No written legal court order was going to make her do otherwise!

Hindsite being 20/20, and the outcome becoming what it is, those monies likely could have been spent better elsewhere.

Looking back on my experience, the OP situation, is not a hill worth dying on, the baby is not in danger. Not engaging dad, and just letting it go, will likely have a better outcome.

 

[mistoffolees]

I am not sure that I agree with the others. You have an ex that has no respect whatsoever for the court orders and unless he is forced to obey them, that won't get better, it will get worse.

This particular issue may not be a hill to die on, but it may embolden him to push further on the next issue...until it spirals out of control. I have unfortunately seen this happen MANY times in my lifetime.

And people who make an issue of every single thing also tend to have their situations spiral out of control. Look at all the sagas from people where neither party will budge an inch and the poor child gets dragged through the mud because both sides want to make EVERY issue a hill to die on.

To me (and it sounds like at least one other person here is taking the same position), it seems that you need to set limits in advance. Decide what is important and what is not. It is helpful for the other party to know what the limits are.

I would choose that there are two non-negotiables: the child's safety, and my time with the child (within reasonable limits). If ex isn't endangering the child and isn't restricting my time significantly (we are fairly flexible when there's a party or sleepover or something involved, so I don't worry about a few hours or a day here or there, but if she was interfering with my time AGAINST MY WILL, I would object), then it is unimportant and not worth fighting over. Express your opinion if you wish, but it didn't hurt me or the child when my ex was telling her friends I was gay (I'm not). It didn't hurt me or the child when she tells people she thinks I'm a millionaire and the thousands I pay every month for child support and alimony is not enough. It doesn't hurt me or the child when she says that I'm unreasonable.

Obviously, my non-negotiables may not be the same as yours. It doesn't really matter what you choose as important, but it must be reasonable, it must be important, and the other side must know what it is. And it should also be a small number of things. If you get like some of the parents here and have 2,000 non-negotiable life-or-death matters, it's not going to work.

It's just like raising a child. If you try to decide moment by moment how you're going to react to a situation, you're in trouble. If you have a knee-jerk reaction to an incident, you're in trouble. The best way to raise a child (and an ex-spouse) is to set clear, non-negotiable limits that everyone understands - and then relax about all the little stuff.

IMHO.