what to do about my 13 yr old son

[Kevmar44]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Ohio
This really isn't a child custody issue, but is a result of one. My 13 yr old son has had a rough past 3 years due to my ex & I divorcing. We were separated for 3 yrs prior to that & got along better than when we were married. We communicated & worked together on any issue where our son was concerned. Then came the insecure, controlling gf, then wife. Since she's been in the picture there is no communication & my son comes after the wife. Needless to say this has caused a great deal of stress for my son. My husband & I have tried everything to make his life a little easier due to how he feels he is treated at his dads. To be honest with you we've probably tried too hard. My son is becoming increasing intolerable to live with. He pouts when things don't go his way, when something goes wrong it is never his fault it's always someone else's, he gives NO effort into ANYTHING in his life...sports, school. He want's to be involved in everything but never follows through. It is a daily battle to go to bed b/c at 13 he thinks he shouldn't have a bed time & he doesn't want to get up in the morning b/c he thinks he should be able to stay home alone, yet he does nothing to earn these priviledges. I have 2 step kids that are the complete opposite! Work very hard in school, sports, having fun. My son is constantly in a bad mood. Nothing in life is fair & his life just sucks! To add to all of this I just found out I am going to have a baby! Of course his first & only concern was how this was going to change HIS life, & for the worse, not the better! I didn't raise my son to be this way so he doesn't get this attitude from our house! My husband has obviously raised 2 very intelligent, motivated children & we have tried to help change my son's attitude, to no avail! Before I haul off and knock my son into next week, can someone give me any suggestions how to handle this?

 

[carofl93]

Have you thought about counseling for your son? My stepdaughter had some troubles after we got full custody due to the fact that mommy and stepdad let her do whatever she wanted, when she wanted. The therapy has really helped a lot. We still have our struggles on a weekly basis, but the fit throwing and arguing has been cut to a minimum.

I wish you the best of luck!
Carol

 

[stealth2]

Definitely counseling - both for him, the two of you, and the family.

 

[Kevmar44]

It is part of the paperwork that I am to take him to a counselor, but I am trying to keep my ex & his wife out of this for now. The counselor they picked for my son to see had treated my ex's wife during her 2nd divorce but I was not comfortable with him as my son's counselor so I quit taking him. I want someone that has not been influenced by my ex or his wife. My ex & his wife has & will lie to anyone about anything & I know they both lied to this counselor & I don't really feel he was listening to what my son was saying. Also all but one appt they took him to & when my son was through my ex or his wife would ask him what my son said & he would tell them! When my son found out he clammed up & refused to talk to him anymore about his problems! I don't want to take my son to a counselor so he will turn around & tell me about his problems, I want him to help my son deal with this situation.

Oh and Carofl93...I LOVE your signature message! It helps me every time I think about my ex and his crazy, insecure wife!!

 

[stealth2]

Well, all that is nice and fine, but from what you say your son is having problems that are not being addressed. Some of those may be problems that you NEED to know about and that he can't solve on his own - even with a therapist's help. If a kid's got problems, the parents SHOULD be informed of them so that they can be worked through. That means both you AND his father.

 

[carofl93]

I hear you on the bad therapist. We had to go through 3 just to find a good one. I understand, too, about the problems with your ex and his new wife and the therapy. When we told my hubby's ex that my stepdaughter was seeing a therapist she went ballistic...probably because she realized she was a nutjob and was worried that she had passed her funked up genes to her child. I do hope that in time though, they will be invited to a session with you and your son.
My quote was picked especially for my hubby's ex LOL...glad you like it.

Carol

 

[stealth2]

Another thing to bear in mind - if Dad has joint legal custody, you may HAVE to inform him of who the child is seeing AND he will have the right to get involved.

 

[Shay-Pari'e]

--paridise--

(QUOTE)I don't want to take my son to a counselor so he will turn around & tell me about his problems, I want him to help my son deal with this situation.(QUOTE)

If you are not involved, how do you expect your "Going through Puberty" son to understand the mess he lives with?

 

[Kevmar44]

Paradise, what I meant was I don't want my son to think the counselor is going to tell me EVERYTHING that he tells them. I want my son to have someone to confide in. This couselor had treated my ex's wife during her 2nd divorce, so he knew what a nutcase she was, yet he turned around & told her stuff my son had told him that got him in trouble with her! Maybe he was trying to put her in the position to realize was a nut she was but that is never going to happen! She thinks she is perfectly normal & my ex has no balls to stand up to her.
Stelth 2, I have shared parenting and am "residential" parent. Like I've said before I went to court last fall w/o an attorney. However I don't recall my attorney EVER mentioning any other type of custody & before I found this site I didn't know there were so many! He ended up being a waste of my time & especially my money!
And finally, Carflo93, at somepoint I do want JUST my ex to be involved. He needs to know the pain his decision to choose this nutcase over his son has caused. Thanks for all your advice...now I just need to find a GOOD counselor.

 

[haiku]

in your first post you mention you were "over compensating" for your sons perceived lack of attention, regarding his dad.

as a parent I can say this can be just as damaging as having a parent who is not paying you any attention.

Certainly now with a new sibling coming, he may be feeling very confused, even in your house now. And I don't now of to many 13 year olds who don't worry about themselves first, especially when it comes to competition from a new sibling. it is "normal" but it does not mean he does not need help to deal with all these thoughts swarming in his head.

"shared parenting" sounds a lot like a joint legal custody arrangements. What does your paperwork say regarding major decisions involving your son?

I think no matter the circumstance for the comforts of ALL the parties involved, finding a new therapist is not a bad idea, but I do think if your intent is to help your son, have a better relationship with all his family, than it should involve ALL of you, at a point the therapist decides it is warranted, and until that time you AND dad should be heavily involved.

I also completely agree with you about the therapist sharing to much. I have and am in family counseling, and though some basics are shared, and of course during the group therapy sessions it is different, what is said by anyone during session is PRIVATE and should stay that way, otherwise, you may never trust the therapist enough to help you.

I love my childs pediatrician and I knew when I needed a good counselor she was the one I was going to ask first.

Whether or not step mom is overly controlling should really have no bearing on you, as your ex is a grownup, and ultimately it IS his decision, regardless of how he got it.

 

[carofl93]

When we take my stepdaughter to see her therapist, the doctor usually talks to us for a few minutes first. She is seeing a therapist to deal with abandonment issues due to her mom bailing on her over a year ago. She doesn't tell us everything that is told...only the things related to mom or if something is truly wrong/bothering my stepdaughter. I'm not sure if that is because my stepdaughter is only 8 but I am sure that the doctor wouldn't tell everything due to the confidentiality agreements. I hope that your son does well with his therapist.

 

[carofl93]

Try asking the guidance counselor at your son's school. We found our therapist through word of mouth at my stepdaughter's school, and couldn't be happier with both the doc and the treatment

 

[rmet4nzkx]

Depending on the type of counselor, it may have been unethical to have treated both the ex's spouse and the child, perhaps a referal and there are limitations as to what can be discussed with parents, however, the child "voluntairly" telling them cannot be avoided and isn't the fault of the counselor.

 

[Kevmar44]

I'm not kidding when I say my ex will NOT stand up for my son OR himself. This woman has TOTAL control, and everybody involved will tell you HE doesn't make a decision without her approval. When we were at court to make a decision on drop off and pickup spots for my son the lawyers had to ask her to leave the room because she refused to let them make a decision! And when my ex is by himself he doesn't know what to say because she is not there telling him what to do. Counseling will be no different and I will NOT let her be involved. I will involve him when the time comes but not until the counselor suggests it.
When we went to court last fall the counselor we had refused to be a witness b/c he felt it was a conflict of interest that he had treated her also. (That was the first time I had heard it.) My ex told the judge that he refused to be a witness b/c I threatened to sue him b/c he was going to say bad things about me! This is the kind of mentality I am dealing with. It's why I don't want him involved at the start.

 

[stealth2]

Be aware that, with joint legal custody, a counselor may refuse to treat your son w/o his father's consent.