What to do if anything?

[shari36]

What is the name of your state?Oregon

recap- My son now 10, Just getting to know his biological father 4th or 5th visit after nine years no contact. Bio lives 8 hours away. son just came back from bios after 12 day visit. He called me every night crying and wanting to come home..I would just reasure him he will be fine and tommorrow would be better. Really I just was really upset that he has to be so unhappy while there. Cant figure out why The Bio father thinks this is ok. Maybe its ok and normal at this stage. What is really upsetting me is that since my son has been home he will not let me out of his sight.. Has to know where Iam going how long I will be gone and all of the sudden he is worried about everything.Like he gets a side ache or feels a pain in his chest or gets hurt playing outside and worries so much about these things.. He has never been this way before. Used to wrestle around with friends plays sports not one to cry all the time unless he was really hurt. Im really worried about this. I do not know how to bring this up with the Bio as we have just gotten to the point where we are nice to each other for our son. Has anyone else went through this with there kids? Should I be thinking about counsiling with my son or am I just over reacting?
Thanks Shari

 

[Gracie3787]

YES- get your son into counseling ASAP. ANY drastic change in a child's overall behavior needs to be checked into.

Is there a court order for visitation? IF there ISN"T, you need to not only talk to bio Dad about the problem, but also shorten the visiting time for awhile until your son feels more at ease around new Dad.

For your son's sake, you really should have a visitation order in place, it will give everyone some protection.

 

[LdiJ]

YES- get your son into counseling ASAP. ANY drastic change in a child's overall behavior needs to be checked into.

Is there a court order for visitation? IF there ISN"T, you need to not only talk to bio Dad about the problem, but also shorten the visiting time for awhile until your son feels more at ease around new Dad.

For your son's sake, you really should have a visitation order in place, it will give everyone some protection.

I agree that the length of the visitation probably had alot to do with things. 12 days after having had only 4 or 5 visits is an awfully long time.

 

[shari36]

re

Yes there is a court ordered visitation. Every other Christmas one week every other spring break and 35 days during the summer. The bio and I verbally agreed to take things slow for the first couple of summers( meaning shorter visits more often). The court order was final May 22 and already we are not on the same path for our child. I should have known better while I had an attorney..
Shari

 

[shari36]

?

If our court order states he is to let me know of his summer days by May 15 and court order wasnt signed by a Judge until May 22 can this buy us some time or do I still Have to send my son for 35 days this summer?? Please understand I am not trying to keep the child from getting to know his father, I am just trying to make it as smooth as I can. I also think the bio should also be doing this. So if mediation is to be sought before any more legal action, how do I go about getting it in writing that we shorten the time of visits?
Yes I will look into counsiling right away I just am not sure if that would stress him out more or not.
Shari

 

[shari36]

input on last reply please

Does anyone have any input on my last reply? I really need to go about this in the right way as not to cause anymore stress or problems on the home front..
Shari

 

[lanne6]

I would take him to a good therapist right away. He can help you to support your request for shorter visits with the father.

 

[shari36]

re

Thank you that was fast. Thats what I thought to do right away(counciling) But was afraid that might make things more stressful for my son. Wasnt sure if this was a normal adjusting thing going on. From what Ive been told here basically its not normal and will get my son set up with someone who can help him work through this.
Thank you
Shari

 

[shari36]

re

Does anyone know what I can do legally before my son sees a professional,( aug 18) to reschedule his next visit which is Aug 11?? I know its court ordered the ncp gets 35 days summer. Do I really make my son go before he has a chance to get some help? The ncp isnt being understanding about what this is doing to the child. Why would he when he doesnt even know the boy. He doesnt have any parenting skills and says the boy must be a really good actor..This upset me alot as that just proves to me our sons best interest and well being arent the ncp first priority..I really messed this one up by signing the court order and I feel I let this child down by not agreeing to a plan that would ease him into this relationship.. Please let me know if there is anything legal I can do at this point until my son gets evaluated?
Shari

 

[legalcuriosity]

If our court order states he is to let me know of his summer days by May 15 and court order wasnt signed by a Judge until May 22 can this buy us some time or do I still Have to send my son for 35 days this summer?? Please understand I am not trying to keep the child from getting to know his father, I am just trying to make it as smooth as I can. I also think the bio should also be doing this. So if mediation is to be sought before any more legal action, how do I go about getting it in writing that we shorten the time of visits?
Yes I will look into counsiling right away I just am not sure if that would stress him out more or not.
Shari

Since the order wasn't signed until AFTER this deadline, it is opened for interpretation. Keep in mind, that things could really change by the time next summer rolls around.

IIRC, you mentioned you and your ex VERBALLY AGREED...so you can change your mind, especially since the child is stressed. You can tell your ex the child is going to see a specialist/therapist, etc. I don't think the Judge thought you'd automatically throw him into a 35-day visitation schedule THIS summer. I would think the Judge thought you'd ease him into visitation.

Outside of what you've noted, what kind of visitation does the dad have (every other weekend?, one weekend/month?, etc)?

 

[shari36]

re

The order states mother has sole legal and sole physical custody. The ncp has everyother winter break 1week, every other spring break 1week and 35 days during the summer every year. There are no ordered weekend visits. It also states we the ncp and I can mutually agree in writing to modificationsof these holiday and vacation provisions. unfortunately the ncp isnt going to agree with me on this. I could be held in contemt if I do not send him but as I was told on here I would get the chance to defend my reasons if I do not send him. By then I would have imput from a professional on what should be done for my son. Sounds like that is all I can do to protect my childs mental well being at this time, Im not thrilled with the contempt part I see no other way.
Shari