What would you do?

[InfantCustody]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

My oldest son is almost 9. His father wasn't ready to be a father and "walked away" when he was 3 months old except for the drunken phone calls and harassment of me that went on until he was 14 months. I never asked for child support as I make plenty of money and don't need it, and he has never asked for visitation. In fact, he went so far as to say he never wanted to see him unless he had to pay for him. Anyway...all the irrelevant crap...I know.

His wife contacted me via Facebook and said he wants to see and get to know our son. She said given the past, they felt it was better she reach out first. He has a 9 month old child and I suspect this has something to do with his newfound desire to be a parent. Paternity was never established, he has literally been absent his ENTIRE life.

If he goes to court, would he be granted visitation at this juncture? I certainly wouldn't rule out the possibility of him being involved in some capacity, but it's taken him 9 years and a half grown child, I'm not sure what is going to keep him around the next 9 years. I don't want to screw up my son.

At this point, I have not mentioned this to my son. He has never asked about his dad, he knows his dad wasn't at a place to parent at the time and that has always been that. He is such a smart, secure, grounded child I don't want his dad to come in and royally screw him up.

What would you do?

 

[justalayman]

if paternity has not been established, "dad" has no rights at the moment. If he wants to establish paternity, he can likely obtain visitation. I wouldn't do anything nor would I allow him to act like dad unless he establishes paternity. If visitation is allowed, initially it will likely be very limited and likely supervised until there is a relationship established.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

My oldest son is almost 9. His father wasn't ready to be a father and "walked away" when he was 3 months old except for the drunken phone calls and harassment of me that went on until he was 14 months. I never asked for child support as I make plenty of money and don't need it, and he has never asked for visitation. In fact, he went so far as to say he never wanted to see him unless he had to pay for him. Anyway...all the irrelevant crap...I know.

His wife contacted me via Facebook and said he wants to see and get to know our son. She said given the past, they felt it was better she reach out first. He has a 9 month old child and I suspect this has something to do with his newfound desire to be a parent. Paternity was never established, he has literally been absent his ENTIRE life.

If he goes to court, would he be granted visitation at this juncture? I certainly wouldn't rule out the possibility of him being involved in some capacity, but it's taken him 9 years and a half grown child, I'm not sure what is going to keep him around the next 9 years. I don't want to screw up my son.

At this point, I have not mentioned this to my son. He has never asked about his dad, he knows his dad wasn't at a place to parent at the time and that has always been that. He is such a smart, secure, grounded child I don't want his dad to come in and royally screw him up.

What would you do?

If he were to take it to court to establish paternity and to ask for visitation, yes, he would get visitation...phased in, graduated but he would get visitation. I suspect that its dad's wife who is the driving force behind this. I suspect that its dad's wife who wants her child to have a relationship with his/her sibling...and I totally understand that...and in fact agree that siblings should know each other.

However, if I were in your position I would be extremely cautious. I would let dad's wife know that you are not necessarily opposed to dad and the child forming a relationship, but that you have a very well grounded child who is secure and smart and you don't want his life to be screwed up by a dad who might not be committed for the long haul.

Then, come back and talk to us after she responds to you...

 

[InfantCustody]

I responded that I am concerned about the lack of desire to be a parent in the past, and am further concerned about what will keep him around in the future. I emphasised my concerns that, if he were to come around and not actually be dedicated to being a father through thick and thin, it would cause our son serious emotional issues should he choose to walk back out the door that has been closed for 9 long years. I said I would not rule out the possibility of him being involved IF it is something he can actually commit to, but I would expect the process to move along ONLY with concern for my son's best interest.

She did not respond, but I did receive papers from child support enforcement requesting a DNA test be conducted, so I am sure it is just him paving the way for asserting his rights to walk in on a half grown child and start playing daddy.

Yes, I am a little angry and bitter about what he is about to do to my sons life. I know he is "our" son, but I'm not at that point yet. Even over 9 years, I have never said anything negative about his father to him, and I never will, but I am thinking plenty. He should have had this revelation 9 or even 6 years ago! My son knows nothing of this, and I certainly don't plan to tell him anytime soon. I don't want him thinking he's going to meet his father, then that changing as well!

What would you expect initial visitation to look like? How fast do the visits progress? Is this something that should be addressed in a "therapeutic" setting?

Unfortunately, my son has anxiety issues anyways (both his father and I have generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis, it's genetic!) so I am sure this will not help that matter.

What is the best way to approach this process for my sons adjustment?

 

[LdiJ]

I responded that I am concerned about the lack of desire to be a parent in the past, and am further concerned about what will keep him around in the future. I emphasised my concerns that, if he were to come around and not actually be dedicated to being a father through thick and thin, it would cause our son serious emotional issues should he choose to walk back out the door that has been closed for 9 long years. I said I would not rule out the possibility of him being involved IF it is something he can actually commit to, but I would expect the process to move along ONLY with concern for my son's best interest.

She did not respond, but I did receive papers from child support enforcement requesting a DNA test be conducted, so I am sure it is just him paving the way for asserting his rights to walk in on a half grown child and start playing daddy.

Yes, I am a little angry and bitter about what he is about to do to my sons life. I know he is "our" son, but I'm not at that point yet. Even over 9 years, I have never said anything negative about his father to him, and I never will, but I am thinking plenty. He should have had this revelation 9 or even 6 years ago! My son knows nothing of this, and I certainly don't plan to tell him anytime soon. I don't want him thinking he's going to meet his father, then that changing as well!

What would you expect initial visitation to look like? How fast do the visits progress? Is this something that should be addressed in a "therapeutic" setting?

Unfortunately, my son has anxiety issues anyways (both his father and I have generalized anxiety disorder diagnosis, it's genetic!) so I am sure this will not help that matter.

What is the best way to approach this process for my sons adjustment?

You can certainly ask that the initial visits be in a theraputic setting, and I think that you would have a decent shot at making that happen. However, because your son is 9, phases would certainly happen pretty quickly. If I were in your shoes I would ask that visitation start out in a theraputic setting and progress based on the recommendations of the counselor.

Realistically, if dad is a pretty decent guy and shows some committment to the process I would expect that your son would be spending some weekends with him within just a few months.

 

[janM]

I agree that a theraputic setting is good. I would also insist that the visits be with Dad only initially. The reaction you get to that idea might tell you if he's serious, or if it's the new wife instigating things. It will also be better for your son to meet him one on one.

 

[gr8rn]

I would strongly suggest having the wife step back and have Dad discuss this directly with you. Since he is the one that should be having these conversations with you. If this is being pushed by the wife then he may not be as committed to the idea as she is. I would tell her nicely to please have DAD contact you so that you could discuss your concerns directly with you..

 

[InfantCustody]

Thanks. I have asked that communication go through him, although I am not sure that will happen as he and I were no where close to speaking terms when last we communicated.

I will say I am quite shocked they would move things so quickly that my son would be spending week-ends with him within a few months. That is asking my son to create a bond (that should have been created over 9 years) in a matter of months. I think that is a little rushed given he is 9 years old and this is a COMPLETE stranger to him. My son has only every spent the night with his grandmother (who is very close, they see each other daily) and other than that when he has tried a sleep over he ends up coming home early because he is upset. Realistically, he hasn't wanted to go to a sleepover in about 18 months, but nonetheless. If that is the way it is, I'll have no choice but to live with it, but so much for "In the best interest if the child."

If he keeps moving forward, I will ask for therapeutic visitation to start with, and will ask that it only be him at first. I understand my son has a whole other family to get to know, but I think that may be a bit much to take in on day one. I would also ask that things move forward as the therapist recommends.

As I said before, my biggest concern continues to be if he is really willing to stick this out in the long run. Having been an absent father is one thing, coming in and then abandoning him is an entirely different thing.

 

[LdiJ]

Thanks. I have asked that communication go through him, although I am not sure that will happen as he and I were no where close to speaking terms when last we communicated.

I will say I am quite shocked they would move things so quickly that my son would be spending week-ends with him within a few months. That is asking my son to create a bond (that should have been created over 9 years) in a matter of months. I think that is a little rushed given he is 9 years old and this is a COMPLETE stranger to him. My son has only every spent the night with his grandmother (who is very close, they see each other daily) and other than that when he has tried a sleep over he ends up coming home early because he is upset. Realistically, he hasn't wanted to go to a sleepover in about 18 months, but nonetheless. If that is the way it is, I'll have no choice but to live with it, but so much for "In the best interest if the child."

If he keeps moving forward, I will ask for therapeutic visitation to start with, and will ask that it only be him at first. I understand my son has a whole other family to get to know, but I think that may be a bit much to take in on day one. I would also ask that things move forward as the therapist recommends.

As I said before, my biggest concern continues to be if he is really willing to stick this out in the long run. Having been an absent father is one thing, coming in and then abandoning him is an entirely different thing.

That is why the theraputic visitation would be such a good idea. If dad is not committed to becoming part of his child's life, he won't do that and nothing will ever come of his suit. Or he will do only the first session or two and decide its not worth it to him. If he is committed for the long haul, he will do the theraputic visitation, and your son may gain a real father.

 

[CJane]

I would ask for a therapeutic setting AT DAD'S EXPENSE. Because, sad as it may be, it's an excellent test of his commitment to the process. And I would ask that the supervisor report to the court whether or not progress is being made in developing a secure relationship. Once that progress is being made, transitioning to unsupervised, but limited visitation would be a step towards a 'regular' visitation schedule.

If this is his wife's idea or she's the one pushing for it, it's unlikely Dad will follow through on the process. But, I still think you need to begin preparing your son for the possibility. He knows he's got a father 'out there somewhere'. Initiate the conversation.