Whats a mom to do??

[LittleLisa]

What is the name of your state? DE........I have had custody of my daughter (now 15) since I divorced my 1st husband back in 1991...he had visitations every other wkdn...ordered to pay child support..the basic things..when she was about to turn 5 I met my current husband, moved in w/him...things were great...In 2000, I had a son...and we were in the process of building a house..in the country 3 acres..( we lived in townhouse with alot of trouble w/kids)..she was fine w/move..even starting new school..she quickly made friends...got good grades...well then she turned about 12..things just went down the hill real fast...she did not get along w/her stepdad...she fought w/me constantly....started hanging w/wrong crowd...with all the grounding..nothing seemed to work..well then it got to the point..when something went wrong here...she would call dad to come get her and take her for a few days..now mind you...i never took him back for child support increase..did not enforce seeing her, whenever was convienent for him..was okay w/me...luckily for me he re-married and I am just about best friends with her....well back in Dec...my daughter and I had a real big fight...I grabbed her, she threatens to call cops...(and theses days they take THE PARENT for abuse)...so of course call goes to dad...he's on his way down...she packed up (pretty much everything)....this was 2 days before x-mas....she never called me for 2 weeks.,...when her dad called and asked me how i felt about her moving in w/him and his wife and 2 girls (7month old and 3 year old), he would have to go to court and get a "special paper" to enable him to prove change of residency to the school.....She stated she never wanted to come back here...I agreed...he said he would let me know if he needed anything...well 2 weeks later..8 pm, knock on my door...got served custody papers....well i about flipped out...but then replied back...he can have residential custody of her...still have joint when it comes to decision making.(basically just turning everything around not changing anything but where she lives..) well when she read what I wrote back to family court..that i wanted to same vistation rights he had...she flipped out...so i re-worded some things...fine..we went to court..done....well she has basically written me out of her life...(main thing...we had bought her a $300 stereo system for x-mas), well the way she talked to me after moving out...very dis-respecful..cursing...i picked my husband over her...etc.etc...I decided to keep her stereo till she could change her attidute..well guess what ..stereo went back in mid feb....she is STILL holding that over my head..and we have had prob 15 convos all of which results in her hanging up on me..after telling me she doesnt want to be a part of my life...i know i can not make her come visit us...(and wouldnt cuz why force someone to come if they dont want to). Well by the grace of god...she called about 1 month ago...asked me to take her to lunch and talk...she wanted the family to come..My hub and son too..well it was GREAT...i had not seen her in 4 months..everything went great.(THAT IS THE CHILD I RAISED)..well it ended up being a test...so again my heart has been broken 2x...I had a convo w/her, and her dad...after finding out shes failing.....she toldme she never wanted to see me again..hung up....(dads not helping whatsoever)....they both play games, lie, everything is just a big joke....I told her that I loved her unconditonally, always will..but cant not be hurt be her a 3rd time...so until she can talk to me w/the respect i deserve, and her mother....I would not be calling her...I cant go thru this again....AM I WRONG????

 

[Starry809]

nope
and she'll grow out of it...
been there

What is the name of your state? DE........I have had custody of my daughter (now 15) since I divorced my 1st husband back in 1991...he had visitations every other wkdn...ordered to pay child support..the basic things..when she was about to turn 5 I met my current husband, moved in w/him...things were great...In 2000, I had a son...and we were in the process of building a house..in the country 3 acres..( we lived in townhouse with alot of trouble w/kids)..she was fine w/move..even starting new school..she quickly made friends...got good grades...well then she turned about 12..things just went down the hill real fast...she did not get along w/her stepdad...she fought w/me constantly....started hanging w/wrong crowd...with all the grounding..nothing seemed to work..well then it got to the point..when something went wrong here...she would call dad to come get her and take her for a few days..now mind you...i never took him back for child support increase..did not enforce seeing her, whenever was convienent for him..was okay w/me...luckily for me he re-married and I am just about best friends with her....well back in Dec...my daughter and I had a real big fight...I grabbed her, she threatens to call cops...(and theses days they take THE PARENT for abuse)...so of course call goes to dad...he's on his way down...she packed up (pretty much everything)....this was 2 days before x-mas....she never called me for 2 weeks.,...when her dad called and asked me how i felt about her moving in w/him and his wife and 2 girls (7month old and 3 year old), he would have to go to court and get a "special paper" to enable him to prove change of residency to the school.....She stated she never wanted to come back here...I agreed...he said he would let me know if he needed anything...well 2 weeks later..8 pm, knock on my door...got served custody papers....well i about flipped out...but then replied back...he can have residential custody of her...still have joint when it comes to decision making.(basically just turning everything around not changing anything but where she lives..) well when she read what I wrote back to family court..that i wanted to same vistation rights he had...she flipped out...so i re-worded some things...fine..we went to court..done....well she has basically written me out of her life...(main thing...we had bought her a $300 stereo system for x-mas), well the way she talked to me after moving out...very dis-respecful..cursing...i picked my husband over her...etc.etc...I decided to keep her stereo till she could change her attidute..well guess what ..stereo went back in mid feb....she is STILL holding that over my head..and we have had prob 15 convos all of which results in her hanging up on me..after telling me she doesnt want to be a part of my life...i know i can not make her come visit us...(and wouldnt cuz why force someone to come if they dont want to). Well by the grace of god...she called about 1 month ago...asked me to take her to lunch and talk...she wanted the family to come..My hub and son too..well it was GREAT...i had not seen her in 4 months..everything went great.(THAT IS THE CHILD I RAISED)..well it ended up being a test...so again my heart has been broken 2x...I had a convo w/her, and her dad...after finding out shes failing.....she toldme she never wanted to see me again..hung up....(dads not helping whatsoever)....they both play games, lie, everything is just a big joke....I told her that I loved her unconditonally, always will..but cant not be hurt be her a 3rd time...so until she can talk to me w/the respect i deserve, and her mother....I would not be calling her...I cant go thru this again....AM I WRONG????

 

[LittleLisa]

hurt & confused

My 15 year old who moved in w/father in Dec....he got residential custody, still have joint..my daughter will not speak to me, and when and if she does, its total disrespect, cussing, attitude, etc...advised me she wants child support..(now I raised her till she moved in w/dad) and we divorced in 91..*the child support he had to pay was like $60/month, trying to be the nice guy Never did i ever take him back for increase or anything, i just wanted us to be adults for her sake...I look at it this way, I raised her by myself till she was 5, remarried, she loved my hus....until the teen years came..then resented every little punishment she got..so she decided to find greener grass...and says that her dad is going to file for me to pay him c/s..I am a stay at home mom with my 4 year old..no income (my hubby works and makes very good $) but can this be done??

 

[LdiJ]

My 15 year old who moved in w/father in Dec....he got residential custody, still have joint..my daughter will not speak to me, and when and if she does, its total disrespect, cussing, attitude, etc...advised me she wants child support..(now I raised her till she moved in w/dad) and we divorced in 91..*the child support he had to pay was like $60/month, trying to be the nice guy Never did i ever take him back for increase or anything, i just wanted us to be adults for her sake...I look at it this way, I raised her by myself till she was 5, remarried, she loved my hus....until the teen years came..then resented every little punishment she got..so she decided to find greener grass...and says that her dad is going to file for me to pay him c/s..I am a stay at home mom with my 4 year old..no income (my hubby works and makes very good $) but can this be done??

Yes it can. The judge will impute an income to you. The imputed income will either be 40 hours a week at minimum wage...or whatever the judge feels that you would be capable of earning. (if you were recently in the workforce) At that point you would either need to get a part time job to cover the child support...or your husband would need to pay it for you.

Its unfortunate that your ex isn't greatful for the fact that you never took him back to court for the amount of child support that he should have been paying....but that won't change the situation now. I am sorry.

 

[LittleLisa]

Why a teen has more rights than a mother??

DE - when my ex and I went to court to change the custody (she lives w/him and his wife and 2 daughters), the clerk pulled our paperwork from our divorce in 91, and the visitation order, We told her just to keep it the same, on the final papers, I am to have visitation every other weekend, now we live about 25 miles apart..When she would visit him..I chose a half-way point to pick up/drop off..(which was 1 mile away from his job), we never "followed" the order to a tee...things came up, then she chose when to see him,,friends, sports, etc...and everything worked out that way..Well, she is refusing to see me, not that I would even want to force her to come down here, cuz she would be miserable and make me more miserable, she blames me for everything (Even though it was her decsion to move in w/dad) so when I get reports from her school (new system) anytime a change is made to a grade, I get an e-mail...well if i see a red flag..I talk to my ex's wife (whom i get along w/very well thank god), or if i find out she's violated her punishments, i do the same..Im not trying to GET her in trouble..but he needs to put his foot up her you know what and stick to things..she obviously has had no problem "erasing me from her life and our family", this is not the sweet girl I raised...but i cant keep allowing myself to get hurt..what should I do..right now to protect my heart, ive told her i will not talk to her until she can talk to me as her mother with respect, and I love her uncondintionally and when shes ready to try to re-build, she knows my phone3..Is this too harsh?

 

[LdiJ]

DE - when my ex and I went to court to change the custody (she lives w/him and his wife and 2 daughters), the clerk pulled our paperwork from our divorce in 91, and the visitation order, We told her just to keep it the same, on the final papers, I am to have visitation every other weekend, now we live about 25 miles apart..When she would visit him..I chose a half-way point to pick up/drop off..(which was 1 mile away from his job), we never "followed" the order to a tee...things came up, then she chose when to see him,,friends, sports, etc...and everything worked out that way..Well, she is refusing to see me, not that I would even want to force her to come down here, cuz she would be miserable and make me more miserable, she blames me for everything (Even though it was her decsion to move in w/dad) so when I get reports from her school (new system) anytime a change is made to a grade, I get an e-mail...well if i see a red flag..I talk to my ex's wife (whom i get along w/very well thank god), or if i find out she's violated her punishments, i do the same..Im not trying to GET her in trouble..but he needs to put his foot up her you know what and stick to things..she obviously has had no problem "erasing me from her life and our family", this is not the sweet girl I raised...but i cant keep allowing myself to get hurt..what should I do..right now to protect my heart, ive told her i will not talk to her until she can talk to me as her mother with respect, and I love her uncondintionally and when shes ready to try to re-build, she knows my phone3..Is this too harsh?

Its not necessarily too harsh at all. However allowing her to dictate whether or not she visits may be giving her too much "power". You don't have to do that. You can insist on exercising your visitation. I understand why you don't, and thoroughly sympathize...but its still giving her an awful lot of power.

I think that some joint counseling for the two of you might really help your daughter...if you can swing it.