When plans change

[TxPE2011]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

My ex husband and I have a 10 year old and we have joint custody. I am managing conservator (she resides with me) he is possessory conservator (he has expanded standard visitation).

We have been in a 4 year modification that just ended in June. He was on supervised visitation for 2 years and just started regular access in January. Basically my ex husband did not do anything 'wrong' except allowing his wife to control every aspect of our communications, co parenting and both of our relationships with our daughter. There was some domestic violence issues with her and because he refused to keep his wife (then girlfriend) away from our daughter per the judges order, he was put on supervised and put into therapy. Had to complete a bunch of classes, therapy etc. All that has died down and we finally were able to settle the modification in June.
Our current order is VERY specific. No third party involvement in communication, pick ups, school functions etc. It's bio parents only. The wife is pretty hostile.
Things have been very quiet and I am pleased. He had his summer visitation and all seemed to go well. I was actually very proud. It gave me a sense of growth on both sides and a sense of peace for our family.
However, when he needs to make changes in access, I sense that he is telling me when I will change my schedule for him. For example: he is to pick up our daughter today for one week of summer access. Because this has been planned since June, I set my schedule, relieved the babysitter for her summer vacation and scheduled a business trip while my daughter would be gone. I receive an email 1 hour before scheduled pick up time, after taking off work early to get home, get my daughter situated and ready to go and then find out 'oops sorry, I have to work tonight, I'll pick up tomorrow night'. Well... That actually is OK but I don't have child care. I call around and find that the only person available to keep my child tomorrow during the day is going to be out of pocket and although my daughter can tag along, she won't be back home until after her father says he will be here to pick her up. I cannot take off work. I'm off two days next week and out of town on Friday. It is possibly the worst time of the month for me to just 'take off' with such short notice. I am struggling with the fact that I made a commitment to my boss based on my ex husband's plans to have our daughter (which is stated in our most recent court order) and the on going commitment I have to my child. Normally I would call in, take a day etc just to keep from fighting with him. But I just can't tomorrow. So I email him and tell him my situation and offer suggestions for helping HIM with his situation. He tells me I am not co parenting with him and that I will be held in contempt if I do not have our daughter ready by 6pm tomorrow night.

Since he postponed picking her up until tomorrow, am I going to be held in contempt because I can't get her to him until 7pm? It's one hour. I even offered to have her dropped at his house by the family member that is caring for her while HE is working. I was reminded of the 'no third party rule'. Ok for a moment while trying to make it work, I forgot that we had that rule. So I said no problem. I can bring her but can you give me an extra 30 minutes to get there? Answer: no. You will have her ready at 6 pm.

So let me get this straight. He changes his plans. I have to take an entire day off work to be home at 6pm so he can pick her up? Instead of allowing me to work all day, I am providing child care for him on his possession day, offered to bring her by but I need extra time to fit it in?

Am I in contempt? I don't want to go back to court. They file contempt on me everytime I breathe. I've never been found in contempt because I've never done anything to be in contempt. I'm honestly trying to work this out.
This is how I see it. His job is very important. So important he can't get off to pick her up on a day HE picked as his access for summer so I need to put my job on hold to show that I am putting my daughter 1st always. What he is also saying is. Your job isn't as important to me and your schedule and your kind family member that is offering to help us out isn't important either.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Ohiogal]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

My ex husband and I have a 10 year old and we have joint custody. I am managing conservator (she resides with me) he is possessory conservator (he has expanded standard visitation).

We have been in a 4 year modification that just ended in June. He was on supervised visitation for 2 years and just started regular access in January. Basically my ex husband did not do anything 'wrong' except allowing his wife to control every aspect of our communications, co parenting and both of our relationships with our daughter. There was some domestic violence issues with her and because he refused to keep his wife (then girlfriend) away from our daughter per the judges order, he was put on supervised and put into therapy. Had to complete a bunch of classes, therapy etc. All that has died down and we finally were able to settle the modification in June.
Our current order is VERY specific. No third party involvement in communication, pick ups, school functions etc. It's bio parents only. The wife is pretty hostile.
Things have been very quiet and I am pleased. He had his summer visitation and all seemed to go well. I was actually very proud. It gave me a sense of growth on both sides and a sense of peace for our family.
However, when he needs to make changes in access, I sense that he is telling me when I will change my schedule for him. For example: he is to pick up our daughter today for one week of summer access. Because this has been planned since June, I set my schedule, relieved the babysitter for her summer vacation and scheduled a business trip while my daughter would be gone. I receive an email 1 hour before scheduled pick up time, after taking off work early to get home, get my daughter situated and ready to go and then find out 'oops sorry, I have to work tonight, I'll pick up tomorrow night'. Well... That actually is OK but I don't have child care. I call around and find that the only person available to keep my child tomorrow during the day is going to be out of pocket and although my daughter can tag along, she won't be back home until after her father says he will be here to pick her up. I cannot take off work. I'm off two days next week and out of town on Friday. It is possibly the worst time of the month for me to just 'take off' with such short notice. I am struggling with the fact that I made a commitment to my boss based on my ex husband's plans to have our daughter (which is stated in our most recent court order) and the on going commitment I have to my child. Normally I would call in, take a day etc just to keep from fighting with him. But I just can't tomorrow. So I email him and tell him my situation and offer suggestions for helping HIM with his situation. He tells me I am not co parenting with him and that I will be held in contempt if I do not have our daughter ready by 6pm tomorrow night.

Since he postponed picking her up until tomorrow, am I going to be held in contempt because I can't get her to him until 7pm? It's one hour. I even offered to have her dropped at his house by the family member that is caring for her while HE is working. I was reminded of the 'no third party rule'. Ok for a moment while trying to make it work, I forgot that we had that rule. So I said no problem. I can bring her but can you give me an extra 30 minutes to get there? Answer: no. You will have her ready at 6 pm.

So let me get this straight. He changes his plans. I have to take an entire day off work to be home at 6pm so he can pick her up? Instead of allowing me to work all day, I am providing child care for him on his possession day, offered to bring her by but I need extra time to fit it in?

Am I in contempt? I don't want to go back to court. They file contempt on me everytime I breathe. I've never been found in contempt because I've never done anything to be in contempt. I'm honestly trying to work this out.
This is how I see it. His job is very important. So important he can't get off to pick her up on a day HE picked as his access for summer so I need to put my job on hold to show that I am putting my daughter 1st always. What he is also saying is. Your job isn't as important to me and your schedule and your kind family member that is offering to help us out isn't important either.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

You could be found in contempt. Here is the issue -- that third party rule is what is causing this. This may be his way of seeing if it can be removed. But quite frankly as the managing conservator you get to deal with most of the hassles.

 

[stealth2]

What I would do? Let my boss know the issue, and ask if there's a problem with going in an hour early and leaving an hour early. Arrange to meet your family member to p/u your daughter, and then d/o to Dad.

This is one of the benefits of being the CP - you get more hoops to jump through.

 

[LdiJ]

I disagree just a little bit with the other responses. Dad changed the exchange/schedule therefore the court order is not being followed. I do not see a judge finding you in contempt because you cannot accomodate dad's change in the schedule precisely as he demands it to be changed.

While it certainly would be easier to find a way to make dad happy, I am not sure if that is always a good thing in the long run. It can tend to create a sense of entitlement that can blow up in everyone's faces.

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

If it were to go for a contempt hearing, it may be worth asking about when does dad LOSE his time when he fails to show up for scheduled time.

 

[TxPE2011]

I did go ahead and make the changes as needed. I continue to be his puppet. I never make changes to benefit me. I follow the order because if I change anything or ask the answer is always no. So I give up. I should continue to make the changes and be the better person. The problem is, I always make the changes. I can't wait for dependable employee status.

I would like to know at what point parents who cancel/re-schedule are held accountable and/or just forfeit. And why the entitlement? He feels like he is so much more important than anyone around him. Not to mention the disappointment my daughter was feeling. Let's not forget about her.

Thanks again

 

[TinkerBelleLuvr]

Then your option is to change the court order that if he is x amount of time late, he forfeits the entire period.

 

[TxPE2011]

I wonder why it's not already in the orders. This stuff is bound to happen to other people. On both sides of the fence. I read constant complaints about custodial parents that are late or don't answer the door or are in contempt by not allowing NCP access. What about the CP that is always waiting around for the NCP to show up?
When we were ordered to supervised visits at the family court center, it was very specific, if you are 15 minutes late, you forfeit your visit. If you are late to three consecutive visits OR do not show, the case is referred back to the court for termination of supervised visits and your appointment time is given to another family. They state that the centers schedule is very tight and there is no room for late arrivals and/or cancellations as the social workers volunteer their time on the weekends. Why are those same provisions not already in the agreements? I'm sure it's because all divorced parents are expected to co parent and get along and work together but it's not working together when one parent is always left hanging. I'm just mad today because he picked his schedule and it was put into the mediation agreement. I saw no problems with the schedule he asked for. I was willing to work with him on whatever was easier for him. I even offered if he wanted the entire week that was fine with me but offering more time gives him the impression I don't want to be a mom, I'm tired of hearing that, so I won't offer that again. I know my daughter wants to be with her dad so I try to give her more time if I can.

 

[Ohiogal]

I wonder why it's not already in the orders. This stuff is bound to happen to other people. On both sides of the fence. I read constant complaints about custodial parents that are late or don't answer the door or are in contempt by not allowing NCP access. What about the CP that is always waiting around for the NCP to show up?
When we were ordered to supervised visits at the family court center, it was very specific, if you are 15 minutes late, you forfeit your visit. If you are late to three consecutive visits OR do not show, the case is referred back to the court for termination of supervised visits and your appointment time is given to another family. They state that the centers schedule is very tight and there is no room for late arrivals and/or cancellations as the social workers volunteer their time on the weekends. Why are those same provisions not already in the agreements? I'm sure it's because all divorced parents are expected to co parent and get along and work together but it's not working together when one parent is always left hanging. I'm just mad today because he picked his schedule and it was put into the mediation agreement. I saw no problems with the schedule he asked for. I was willing to work with him on whatever was easier for him. I even offered if he wanted the entire week that was fine with me but offering more time gives him the impression I don't want to be a mom, I'm tired of hearing that, so I won't offer that again. I know my daughter wants to be with her dad so I try to give her more time if I can.

Tink told you what to do. Now you are just whining. It is NOT in the order because YOU did not request it in the order.