Minor update.....

[momandsmom003]

What is the name of your state? La

For those of you who don't know situation. Hubby has 2 daughters, teenager and little sdaughter (9). Just turned 9.

I had posted about the NINE missed calls on the cell phone. Well it just keeps getting better......On one of the voice mails, you can hear little sdaughter saying "Dad can you please call me back. I really want to talk to you". This is about 845am. In the back ground you can hear mom and sdad's toddler screaming, crying etc. This happened on 2 of the voice mails timed 10 mins apart. When Dad talked to both daughters later in the day, oldest one told him that sdad had to go somewhere so he woke up LITTLE sdaughter to watch toddler!!!!???? We can hear him screaming in background on voice mails, mom is alseep and oldest sdaughter was alseep.

So she calls this am. Not crying this time, but still asking questions like "why can't I be there with you guys". and "How come every time I try to talk to mom she screams at me?".

Dad is really getting upset. It kills him everytime he has to bring them home and she is crying.

He is waiting on a call back from the school counselor to see if she will talk to little sdaughter to see what is soooo bad at home.

As I have said before, we all get along pretty well (mom, dad, sdad, me) And i know things are rough around there. We really are just trying to find out what we can do to help the situation, not create a more stressful one**************.

URGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!! Stressing here, cuz hubby is stressing....Hate to see him so upset.....

 

[CJane]

I'm a little confused... because I only vaguely remember your background post.

But there's nothing wrong w/a 9 year old keeping an eye on a toddler while there are other people in the house (albeit sleeping).

Can you fill in the blanks or link to your other post or something? I don't feel like looking for it.

 

[wileybunch]

And also if the relationship is good among the parents as you mentioned, why are you encouraging stepDD to talk to a school counselor? Why aren't you all arranging for private counseling?

 

[CJane]

Ummm.... I just read your other thread, and while the crying seems excessive none of us actually know how much of a drama queen the 9 year old IS.

It's NOT a big deal that her sister helps her with school work.
It's NOT a big deal that sometimes Mom is out of the loop on spelling words. Gawd, half the time, I don't know what the spelling words are because the kids 'forget' to bring a list home.

If Dad wants one more day on the weeks he only has one, he can file for a modification of visitation (NOT custody) and prove that it's in the kids' best interests. But "I want one more day to help with spelling" isn't going to cut it.

How about Dad talks to Mom and says "Hey, does little Sally seem overly emotional lately at your house?" Or "Man, those hormones have gotten to little Sally pretty bad, huh?"

When my (now) 11 year old was 9, sometimes I'd just look at her crosseyed and she'd hide under the kitchen table sobbing that I hated her. And yeah, I'd tell her to dry it up because I KNEW it was no big deal.

What, exactly, is the PROBLEM. And what, exactly, does dad WANT?

 

[momandsmom003]

Thank you all.....

Yes, little one can be a bit of a drama queen sometimes. Yes, dad has asked mom about counseling. Mom said "if my kids need to talk to anyone it will be me".

I did not encourage him to talk to the school counselor. Before the holidays, he called the secretary (she knows little one well) - on his own - and asked her if she noticied any tears, sadness, etc. The secretary told him that she comes to school crying at least 2 -3 times per week.Just saying she wants to stay with her daddy. She told him she did not know if she had been to the school counselor yet, but would keep him informed if she did. DAD told ME he was going to call the counselor and just ask her to talk to little one to see if something is up or if this is just a "grass greener" thing going on. Then IF the counselor was able to tell him she needed to see someone else, he could then go to mom and say look, we at least need to sit her down and talk to her, maybe together, and see if we can get out of her what is so wrong. Then if she won't open up, maybe mom would agree to private cousneling.

I did not mean there was anything wrong with her watching the toddler. I guess I should have provided a little more info. The day before (Fri) Dad was dropping kids off and called to see if she was home and she said she was not going to work b/c toddler had 101.3 fever that morning and she had to bring him to Dr. I just didn't think a 9 year old would be able to handle a sick child, but yes, mom was there and could have been easily been awakened. I guess it just made me sad to hear that child screaming and crying on 2 different phone calls timed 10 mins apart and little sdaughter pracitcally begging Dad to call her back. Like maybe she was too stressed or something.

And no it is not wrong for big sdaughter to help little one with homework. But she does get tired of doing it so she speeds it up sometimes by just giving her the answers. That is not helping her learn. She even has to help her when mom is home and not at work. So big sdaughter gets tired of doing it. Little sdaughter is a slow learner, you have to do spelling words like 2 - 3 times. Making her write them 3-5 times a piece in order for her to learn them. She had to repeat kindergarden b/c she did not grasp phonics well. She spent 1 week in first grade then mom and dad realized she wasn't going to make it.

Dad is really involved with his children. I am only here for encouragement and support. When asked my opinoin (by Dad) I give it, even if it means NOT siding with him. He has mentioned going back to court to change visitation to like 50/50 split or something. Big sdaughter asked mom about it in past and Mom got really mad so he knows he can't ask her. I encouraged him NOT to do this. I told him court at this point would probably ruin what good relationship all of us have. And that if the kids were used to this kind of visitation, then why mess with a good thing? Plus we do all the transportation now, going to get them when they get off bus after school at mom's and taking them to school, when he has them. And then taking them home on sunday's that he has them. He usually takes bid sdaughter, I take little one b/c big one has to be there before he goes to work. If we did week/week or something, that's just extra gas. Yes the only live about 15mins away. But that would add up. He said he may ask her for the one more day, only b/c he thinks maybe things are a bit stressed over there and if HE could help out by having one more day that HE is responsible for homework, baths, bed, etc. then maybe mom would not be so stressed.

He really is just trying to help. I NEVER get in b/t the two of them, except when HE is being an A**, which I have had to tell him before. For instance just a while back. He got a new job, making a little more than he used to. We pay her child support from our bank to hers, we don't go through the state. This was agreed upon by them in court. So I told him, we need to give her at least 50.00 / month more. You are making a little more, together we make more than they do, and they really need the help. I will stand up for what is right, no matter whose feelings get hurt. IF it happens to be my hubby's then oh well. He ought to think straight before opening his mouth. It doesn't happen often, but once in a while I have to tell him, look, just chill o.k.

Sorry if I sounded like I was trying to fault mom. I was not. I know things are hard on them. I just worry about little one. Why is she so sad all the time. The last time we dropped her off, she stood by the front door at mom's crying so hard, gagging, coughing, bending, over I thought she was going to throw up. (The only reason I was with him at drop off is b/c we had taken them to the zoo before we took them home). He usually does it all unless he is at work.

 

[CJane]

The secretary told him that she comes to school crying at least 2 -3 times per week.

If she's coming to school crying MORE DAYS THAN NOT - the SCHOOL ought to have already informed Dad/Mom/Family services.

I did not mean there was anything wrong with her watching the toddler. I guess I should have provided a little more info. The day before (Fri) Dad was dropping kids off and called to see if she was home and she said she was not going to work b/c toddler had 101.3 fever that morning and she had to bring him to Dr. I just didn't think a 9 year old would be able to handle a sick child, but yes, mom was there and could have been easily been awakened. I guess it just made me sad to hear that child screaming and crying on 2 different phone calls timed 10 mins apart and little sdaughter pracitcally begging Dad to call her back. Like maybe she was too stressed or something.

Honestly? Dad maybe needs to tell Daughter "I love you, but when you're at Mommy's house you really need to talk to Mommy." or something like that. There's really no reason, if Mom is in the next room, that Daughter should call Dad 7 times in one morning. None AT ALL. Seriously.

 

[LdiJ]

I have a little bit of a suspicion what is going on here.

At dad's house, she is the baby, and is treated accordingly. Just the way that you describe her as "little", and "little girl" tends to back that up. I am not critizing you for it, but its a basic fact of life.

At mom's house she is one of the older kids...a middle child no less...and doesn't get treated like she is the youngest. She wants to be the baby again, like she once was for mom too.

When she is a "drama queen" at dad's house she gets lots of positive attention.

When she is a "drama queen" at mom's house she is getting told to "suck it up".

This is definitely a grass is greener thing, but maybe with some overtones of real depression.

 

[CJane]

I have a little bit of a suspicion what is going on here.

At dad's house, she is the baby, and is treated accordingly. Just the way that you describe her as "little", and "little girl" tends to back that up. I am not critizing you for it, but its a basic fact of life.

At mom's house she is one of the older kids...a middle child no less...and doesn't get treated like she is the youngest. She wants to be the baby again, like she once was for mom too.

When she is a "drama queen" at dad's house she gets lots of positive attention.

When she is a "drama queen" at mom's house she is getting told to "suck it up".

This is definitely a grass is greener thing, but maybe with some overtones of real depression.

That's where I'm leaning too...

OP ~ My 7 year old was the youngest child in both households until 2 years ago (today, actually ) when my son was born. And we had some issues because all of a sudden, she was a 'middle kid' at MY house and still 'baby girl' at Dad's house.

And then, in March of that same year, SMom had a baby and Unruly was now middle child at both houses. The problems/issues didn't stop, but they did vastly decline. She STILL sometimes has a hard time not being the 'baby', and acts out to get her needs met NOW. But it's getting more rare.

Yes, counseling might help your SD get over her issues, but I'm not 100% sure that more time at Dad's being the 'baby' and 'doing fun stuff' is the answer.

 

[momandsmom003]

That's what I thought too.....

Of course Dad says, she loves me, wants to be here with me. And gets mad at me when I tell him he has to stop babying her when she starts with the crying crap. Of course I would NEVER do this, but I told sdaughter I would. I said. If you are going to cry today when dad takes you home, I am going to send him back to work and I will take you home. She did not cry at all. Bounced into the house with no care in the world.

Maybe there is some depression. I don't really know, but i don't think mom or dad does either. So does everyone agree???? School counselor first, then IF she deems necessary Dad talking to Mom about counseling or sitting down together with her to see what's up.

We try NOT to baby her here. Or at least I do. She does have a little different rules (bedtimes, internet, friends staying over) than my son and big sdaughter b/c they are teens, she is not. But she does chores like they do and puts up her own things, toys, clothes etc. Just like they do. Dad has been known to carry her into the house when she is doing one of her crying spills. GAG ME!!!!! J/J

I have tried to tell him before. It is not b/c she loves one more than the other, its that you may have more time and money to do things with her that mom can't. He doesn't see it thought, even when she comes in and goes straight outside to get friends or plays in her room. She is NOT up his A** like a child that really needs love and attention should be. She is getting enough at home, maybe not AS MUCH as she gets here, but enough.

 

[momandsmom003]

Yes, counseling might help your SD get over her issues, but I'm not 100% sure that more time at Dad's being the 'baby' and 'doing fun stuff' is the answer.

He said he may ask her for the one more day, only b/c he thinks maybe things are a bit stressed over there and if HE could help out by having one more day that HE is responsible for homework, baths, bed, etc. then maybe mom would not be so stressed.

 

[CJane]

He said he may ask her for the one more day, only b/c he thinks maybe things are a bit stressed over there and if HE could help out by having one more day that HE is responsible for homework, baths, bed, etc. then maybe mom would not be so stressed.

And that's great, it really is. But Dad's behavior towards his daughter seems to be more as an enabler than a parent.

Unless he can cut THAT out, him having more time might just encourage Daughter to continue acting this way, or to up the stakes because she sees that her behavior led to a change.

 

[momandsmom003]

Agreed.....

I know some people think communication should be b/t the parents. But mom and I have talked about this before.She called me about it. She thinks like I think. If he is going to baby her, it is not helping the situation. She told me (mom) that if I think Dad cannot or will not stop babying her when dropping her off then I can drop kids off. I have had to do drop offs before, only one time did I think she was going to start crying and I told her. Look you know you are going home. You will be fine. You can call your dad in a couple of days, don't call tonight b/c you just left and you should spend time with mom. And you will be back here before you know it. It worked that time.

I know daughters can hold a soft place in a Dad's heart. After all I was raised by my Dad, mom left us when we were little, but man oh man I am going to have to work on him in the next couple of days. I am going to tell him. If you do not think you can drop her off with a kiss and a hug and telling her stop crying and be a big girl, then I will take her home. I am sure it upsets mom when she comes in like that. He** I would be furious at my ex (had he not passed away) if he pulled that carrying my child in at 9 crap**************

 

[wileybunch]

Honestly? Dad maybe needs to tell Daughter "I love you, but when you're at Mommy's house you really need to talk to Mommy." or something like that. There's really no reason, if Mom is in the next room, that Daughter should call Dad 7 times in one morning. None AT ALL. Seriously.

I have a little bit of a suspicion what is going on here.

At dad's house, she is the baby, and is treated accordingly. Just the way that you describe her as "little", and "little girl" tends to back that up. I am not critizing you for it, but its a basic fact of life.

My thoughts, too, and honestly we just went through this with my 12yo stepdaughter last week. She is youngest with her siblings, but is oldest with my 2 left at home and she also knows she can cry on her mom's shoulder about anything and Mom will immediately pull out all the negative adjectives about my husband and I w/o even knowing what is really bothering 12yo (ie. when she does something mean to a younger stepsibling and can't just cough up an apology or show remorse for it and reverts to being a baby with a mama bear mother who enjoys the drama).

 

[CJane]

I am sure it upsets mom when she comes in like that. He** I would be furious at my ex (had he not passed away) if he pulled that carrying my child in at 9 crap**************

It sure would upset ME.

Couple of suggestions:

Talk to Mom about picking the kids up from y'all so Dad isn't dropping her off and 'abandoning' her at Mom's house. That might be part of the problem. OR, switch to a neutral location like a McDonald's or something. Most 9 year olds aren't going to pitch a fit like that in public.

Dad needs to be less involved in the drop off/pick up and approach it like he's dropping her off at school. Don't even get out of the car, just a quick kiss, and I love you, and a see you soon.

Period, end of story.

Or offer to keep them overnight on Sunday if that's the biggest issue/only time he's taking them HOME instead of to school. That way the exchanges aren't taking place at either house, really.

And carrying her in? At 9? I could barely lift my kids anymore at 9. My oldest just turned 11 2 weeks ago and she's 4'10" and 80 pounds.

 

[momandsmom003]

Thanks sooooo much....

We tried the meeting half way, or them (her or sdad) picking them up. If they are out and about they will, if not we go to them. Don't really know why, Court order says nothing about drop off or pick up.

Dad called mom few months ago. Told her I was asleep b/c I had to work nights and that he would be later than usual getting off. He asked her if she could drop them off at the normal time he usually picks them up. She said I see what I can do. When I got up around 4 or 430 I called dad to see what was up. He called me back and asked me to go get them. S dad was still at work and mom was at home. She was still pregnant at time and "just did not feel like getting out". So off i went**************....Trying NOT to argue, complain, whine**************....

Hubby or I do all drop off's and pick ups. Have forever now. Kind of not fair but who cares. He may have to talk to her about the Sun night thing. That could actually be his extra night he want. They are already here anyway. That may make more sense. Except that he would still only have one night the other week. So homework would be an issue.