Ex has recruited 11 yr. old as her spy

[soon2bstep]

Then I would have..... oh wait, OG is a GAL AND an attorney. She'd put me away for that. I'll keep that next reaction right in my house. It would be quite painful for that kid[/QUOTE]



oh yeah, that's child abuse these days huh? what happened to spare the rod spoil the child lol

 

[Ohiogal]

Ya know, that never even crossed my mind. I guess I'm so pissed at her right now that I'm not thinking straight.

OK, so if/when she files her Counter-complaint for Custody Modification, I know I'll file an answer. And then I file a Motion to Appoint GAL?

Once the Gal is appointed, I assume I will meet with him/her. Do I inform the GAL of what my older daughter told me? So that he/she knows to talk to the kids about it? Or do I not mention anything and hope that the kids tell the GAL?

Sorry for so many questions, but I've never dealt with a GAL.

Yes, yes and yes and do not hope for the children to tell the GAL. GALs are good to have to get the child's best interests and wishes in front of the court without the children going to court.

 

[Ohiogal]

LOL! No ulcers yet, but I have had to start on meds for high blood pressure. You women, I tell ya!

And when ex stays under her rock, my life isn't very exciting. But when she crawls out from under her troll bridge, there's no telling what could happen!

YOU MEN! Good grief. I could tell you stories....

 

[Ohiogal]

Is it just me or would anyone else just handed DD the phone and said... "call her right now and tell her. I want you to."

Then I would have..... oh wait, OG is a GAL AND an attorney. She'd put me away for that. I'll keep that next reaction right in my house. It would be quite painful for that kid

Hell I would do that -- hand her the phone and say you know what --- I'LL call mom and tell her so that way she knows." Then I would do it, dial the phone and ask for the ex. HEY EX, daughter says she is supposed to spy for you so I am going to tell you so she doesn't have to feel torn -- she has CHORES. As part of this household she is going to be participating by folding her clothes and putting them away. Okay? Oh you want to talk to her, here you go!"
Hand the phone to daughter, smile sweetly, and walk away.

 

[Ohiogal]

Then I would have..... oh wait, OG is a GAL AND an attorney. She'd put me away for that. I'll keep that next reaction right in my house. It would be quite painful for that kid

oh yeah, that's child abuse these days huh? what happened to spare the rod spoil the child lol[/QUOTE]

NOpe that is not necessarily child abuse. CC wouldn't leave bruises. I prefer the Garden of Eden approach myself.

 

[Humusluvr]

I prefer the Garden of Eden approach myself.

What is that?

 

[wileybunch]

What is that?

Want to know, too.
Was thinking it meant they only know bliss, but I'm just not picturing that ..... LOL
My 2nd guess was that they learn to grow their own garden by earning back things that are taken away when their world is made very small for their choices. But, we'll see!

 

[2Mistakes]

I had a talk with "spy daughter" after I cooled down last night. I just did not want to confront this while I was angry.

Here's my problem. My daughter was wrong to say anything like that. But, she's being put in the middle of a situation that she should not be involved in at all. She feels torn between me and my ex.

When we talked last night, daughter told me that her mom tells her things like that if my daughter likes my wife (her step-mom) then she is choosing step-mom over mom.

Ex tells her that she has to choose between me and ex, who does she love more, etc. NO child should ever have to feel like this. And it breaks my heart for my baby.

So I do believe that it is time for some counseling for "spy daughter." She should be able to love all the adults in her life without feeling like she's betraying anyone.

She cried and cried last night, which I think was good for her. She told me that she was sorry for what she had done, but she felt like she had to "help" her mom.

I'm not even going to say anything to ex about knowing about her little spy plans. I told my daughter that she doesn't have to feel like she's in the middle. Her job right now is to get good grades and be a little girl, not a PI. I told her that we have nothing to hide in this house, and she can tell her mom anything, just as she can tell me anything she wants to.

OG, in your neck of the woods, do you know if it's acceptable for a party to a case to request a specific GAL? I know you are in a different state, but I'm just wondering in general if that is ever done.

 

[proud_parent]

Ex tells her that she has to choose between me and ex, who does she love more, etc. NO child should ever have to feel like this. And it breaks my heart for my baby.

So I do believe that it is time for some counseling for "spy daughter." She should be able to love all the adults in her life without feeling like she's betraying anyone.

Bravo! Strong move, dad.

 

[Ohiogal]

Want to know, too.
Was thinking it meant they only know bliss, but I'm just not picturing that ..... LOL
My 2nd guess was that they learn to grow their own garden by earning back things that are taken away when their world is made very small for their choices. But, we'll see!

Garden of Eden approach means removing the child from the garden of eden -- i.e. their life as they know it with every luxury under the sun and instead allow them only the base necessities -- mattress, basic clothes, a roof over their head and bare minimum food (i.e. peanut butter sandwiches which they make themselves for three meals a day and a glass of milk at each meal). No candy, cookies, desserts. No designer clothes. No computer. No television. No stereo system. No toys.

 

[Ohiogal]

I had a talk with "spy daughter" after I cooled down last night. I just did not want to confront this while I was angry.

Here's my problem. My daughter was wrong to say anything like that. But, she's being put in the middle of a situation that she should not be involved in at all. She feels torn between me and my ex.

When we talked last night, daughter told me that her mom tells her things like that if my daughter likes my wife (her step-mom) then she is choosing step-mom over mom.

Ex tells her that she has to choose between me and ex, who does she love more, etc. NO child should ever have to feel like this. And it breaks my heart for my baby.

So I do believe that it is time for some counseling for "spy daughter." She should be able to love all the adults in her life without feeling like she's betraying anyone.

She cried and cried last night, which I think was good for her. She told me that she was sorry for what she had done, but she felt like she had to "help" her mom.

I'm not even going to say anything to ex about knowing about her little spy plans. I told my daughter that she doesn't have to feel like she's in the middle. Her job right now is to get good grades and be a little girl, not a PI. I told her that we have nothing to hide in this house, and she can tell her mom anything, just as she can tell me anything she wants to.

OG, in your neck of the woods, do you know if it's acceptable for a party to a case to request a specific GAL? I know you are in a different state, but I'm just wondering in general if that is ever done.

Usually you don't get to request a specific GAL unless said GAL has been on the case before and has a history with the children.

 

[2Mistakes]

Garden of Eden approach means removing the child from the garden of eden -- i.e. their life as they know it with every luxury under the sun and instead allow them only the base necessities -- mattress, basic clothes, a roof over their head and bare minimum food (i.e. peanut butter sandwiches which they make themselves for three meals a day and a glass of milk at each meal). No candy, cookies, desserts. No designer clothes. No computer. No television. No stereo system. No toys.

I have never had the balls to do that. Honestly, I've never had the need to. I am very blessed with the kids I have. They are great kids. But I know that can all change, and if it ever does, I am seriously thinking about using the "Garden of Eden" approach.

However, in this situation with "spy daughter", I truly don't think she deserves that kind of punishment. She was put in a situation by her mom that she didn't know how to handle.

I talked with her about it, and above all, I think she needs some counseling to deal with it all. She's so confused and torn up inside.

And I know that I am probably being manipulated a little. She's playing the situation. I guess my point is that it shoulsn't even be a situation b/c the ex should have never put her in this position.

 

[txrose1998]

I have never had the balls to do that. Honestly, I've never had the need to. I am very blessed with the kids I have. They are great kids. But I know that can all change, and if it ever does, I am seriously thinking about using the "Garden of Eden" approach.

However, in this situation with "spy daughter", I truly don't think she deserves that kind of punishment. She was put in a situation by her mom that she didn't know how to handle.

I talked with her about it, and above all, I think she needs some counseling to deal with it all. She's so confused and torn up inside.

And I know that I am probably being manipulated a little. She's playing the situation. I guess my point is that it shoulsn't even be a situation b/c the ex should have never put her in this position.

As a child I was put in the position that your daughter is......it breaks my heart to hear that other children have to go through it. I would really advise some couseling that you already suggested. I never received it and really wish I had. Always remind your daughter that both her parents love her and she can love them both.

 

[proud_parent]

I have never had the balls to do that. Honestly, I've never had the need to. I am very blessed with the kids I have. They are great kids. But I know that can all change, and if it ever does, I am seriously thinking about using the "Garden of Eden" approach.

However, in this situation with "spy daughter", I truly don't think she deserves that kind of punishment. She was put in a situation by her mom that she didn't know how to handle.

I talked with her about it, and above all, I think she needs some counseling to deal with it all. She's so confused and torn up inside.

And I know that I am probably being manipulated a little. She's playing the situation. I guess my point is that it shoulsn't even be a situation b/c the ex should have never put her in this position.

OK, I'm going to wax stupid sentimental for a bit. None of what follows is legal advice, just some BTDT.

As my stepdaughter and I became close and as she began to understand her family dynamics, she was wracked with guilt. She had been conditioned since toddlerhood to be her mother's best friend and emotional supply. Long before SD came to live with us, she was already torn by divided loyalties -- What happens to my mom on weekends when I'm not there for her? Daddy has you to love him when I'm not here, and you two can always have more kids; mommy has only me.

I explained it this way (she was quite young, so I was über-simplistic): You know how small babies are, right? And how big you are now? And how much bigger you will be when you are an adult? Well, hearts grow just like that. It isn't like we are born with a heart with just so much love in it, and that's all it can ever hold. Love isn't a birthday cake, so that the more people we invite over the smaller a piece we need to give them. We are made so that our heart grows bigger and stronger the more people we share our love with. You will always have more than enough love to go around for everybody.


My mother overheard me give SD this pep talk. The following Valentine's Day, Mom mailed SD a card that featured holograms of tiny hearts all over it; tilt the card, and the hearts swell in size. Inside the card, she wrote "Remember, love just grows bigger the more you let it."

A few short months later, my parents had died and my husband was fighting his ex in court over her alienation and visitation interference. You can bet that Valentine's card has been tucked away for SD. It still gets trotted out occasionally between therapy sessions.

 

[Silverplum]

(((pp)))


And poor ol' Dad needs hugs, too: (((2M)))