Kids say they don't have to visit

[WillingToFight]

Actually... Arrears are a reimbursement for money he's already paid on the children. The arrears are not owed to the children, for example, my ex owes roughly 41,000. in arrears. If and when I was to receive that money, it's all mine. I can take it and treat myself to a vacation, new clothes, become an ebay top buyer, any single thing I want. I don't have to spend a penny on the children if I didn't want to, why? B/c I ALREADY spent his portion, all the years he didn't bother paying CS and yet the babies needed a roof over their heads, electricity, food, insurance, clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc etc etc . therefore, it makes the Arrears he owes me, just as much all mine as my income tax check. Not to say the kids wouldn't get just as much a field day out of that money as I would, just making a point, that I don't OWE a single penny of it to them. Of course, what I'd spend the money on is moot point anyway, since I'd probably keel over of shock if I WAS to receive any of it, and the kids would get it anyway...

*k, I'll get off the soapbox*

Okay - I see your point. This is all new to me (child support, sole custody, etc.) so I am having a hard time grasping how it works.

At the hearing, though, ex's attorney really LIKED my proposal of using the arrears for the braces and urged ex to retract his rejection. That's why we went to the orthodontist together, so we could both hear the prognosis.

Also - the amount of the arrears to be paid is less than what I spent on all of those things you mention you provide for your children - I pay the ONLY insurance they have, bought all their clothes, toiletries, etc. This is why I thought it would be an amenable solution to paying for the braces right now; when she needs them and it wouldn't have to come out of ex's pocket, since he didn't have it previously. I already sent enough $$ to cover food during the voluntary support period, as well as made sure the kids had the clothes they needed too.

Thanks for your explanation though - I am trying to see this from all sides.

 

[mommyof4]

Actually, I prefer to "deal" with him as little as possible. Other than the one zinger, all other messages have been "Here are the upcoming apointments I have scheduled..." or something of similar nature.

That's another thing. STOP making any appointments for the children that do not specifically fall during your time. You have no right to schedule or control any of the time the children are not with you.

Perhaps they are ALL sick of you arbitrarily making the schedule and then letting them know about it (oh so politely, I am sure).

Dad has the right to ignore and disregard any appt. you make during his time. He does NOT owe you an explanation, discussion, notification that he is planning on disregarding, argument, text message, or apology for doing so.

You are no longer married and you no longer are in charge of every detail of their (ex-hubby and kids) lives. Dad was granted primary custody for a reason. He was deemed capable and fit to be the primary caretaker of the children. Your continuation to ignore the reality that Dad can handle it without your 'assistance' or input is contributing a huge, whopping dose of aggression to this mess.

Knock it off and act like the grown up in the relationship with your children.

Stop trying to get back at Dad by finding any little detail you can to throw a wrench into his BK proceedings. Stop whining and worrying about who's giving what to him. MAYBE if you had paid your CS, Dad would have been in a better financial situation. Stop harping on the allegations that Dad snorted all of his money up his nose. You can't prove it (obviously, as he is the primary custodial parent). It just sounds like more of the same 'poor me, feel sorry for lil' ol' me. My ex (who I had 2 children with) is a big meanie and I just don't know what to do!!! (wail, sob, gnasing of teeth, tearing of clothes.....).

So, to sum up.....

You are the NCP. You have a court order for visitation. Exercise those rights AT THE TIMES STATED.

Remember you are the mother of these children and act accordingly. You don't need buddies around to help you cope with your kids.

Quit hounding your ex.

Let go of your hatred for the man you chose to create 2 children with. After all, he gave you 2 precious gifts. That should at least cancel out some of the bad.

Accept responsibility for your huge role in this drama. Your kids didn't get to be spoiled brats without your help. Congratulations, it seems you were successful in that regard.

Grow up and lose the attitude. I know you get something out of the situation as it is. You get a bunch of people to hold your hand and tell you how wonderful you are and that they are just SHOCKED that this man should have the opportunity to turn your kids away from you. They are just SHOCKED that your children should be so ungrateful and mean to treat you this way. The fact is that YOU have created the "monsters" and YOU are going to have to fix it.

Holy cow....a custody issue where the issues ARE all about the parent(s).

 

[wileybunch]

Okay - I see your point. This is all new to me (child support, sole custody, etc.) so I am having a hard time grasping how it works.

At the hearing, though, ex's attorney really LIKED my proposal of using the arrears for the braces and urged ex to retract his rejection .....

Let's remember how this subject came up. Because you texted, IIRC, to Dad and said he was the "lowest of the low" for not spending the arrears child support he received on something you felt he should spend it on. It wasn't your business in the first place and sending that sort of text message ... honestly, there's a huge change in thinking needed on your part.

And, ITA with mommyof4. She's spot on. I hope you take her advice to heart.

 

[WillingToFight]

That's another thing. STOP making any appointments for the children that do not specifically fall during your time. You have no right to schedule or control any of the time the children are not with you.

For clarification - the court order SAYS I am to make the appointments for counseling. Further, ex's own attorney was the one who directed ex to make the appointment for the orthodontist. He made the call right there from the court house.

Perhaps they are ALL sick of you arbitrarily making the schedule and then letting them know about it (oh so politely, I am sure).

Since I have NO TIME with my kids, I'm not making any schedules.

Dad has the right to ignore and disregard any appt. you make during his time. He does NOT owe you an explanation, discussion, notification that he is planning on disregarding, argument, text message, or apology for doing so.

Dad does not have the right to ignore the counseling appointments I make. They are COURT ORDERED. The only caveat is that they have to be scheduled around my son's athletic activities, which I have always done.

You are no longer married and you no longer are in charge of every detail of their (ex-hubby and kids) lives. Dad was granted primary custody for a reason. He was deemed capable and fit to be the primary caretaker of the children. Your continuation to ignore the reality that Dad can handle it without your 'assistance' or input is contributing a huge, whopping dose of aggression to this mess.

Unfortunately, Dad is not handling much of anything right now. I had to ask my attorney to contact his attorney just so that he'd take my daughter to the doctor to complete her vaccination series. He has insurance cards, but still calls me to ask me to schedule appointments because he doesn't know how or doesn't know the number or some other lame excuse.

Knock it off and act like the grown up in the relationship with your children.

'Would love to... if I could JUST SEE MY KIDS.

Stop trying to get back at Dad by finding any little detail you can to throw a wrench into his BK proceedings. Stop whining and worrying about who's giving what to him. MAYBE if you had paid your CS, Dad would have been in a better financial situation. Stop harping on the allegations that Dad snorted all of his money up his nose. You can't prove it (obviously, as he is the primary custodial parent). It just sounds like more of the same 'poor me, feel sorry for lil' ol' me. My ex (who I had 2 children with) is a big meanie and I just don't know what to do!!! (wail, sob, gnasing of teeth, tearing of clothes.....).

Um... excuse me! I DID pay my child support. Nothing I could have paid (or will pay) will dig Dad out of the hole he's dug. He spent over $100,000 in credit cards in six months. I don't even make half of that in a year. At the time of the hearing the child support I withheld was a just a fraction of the total child support ordered in arrears. I was told to estimate because we really didn't know how much ex was making - he was on a commission-based job.

So, to sum up.....

You are the NCP. You have a court order for visitation. Exercise those rights AT THE TIMES STATED.

Easier said than done. Every time I've made a fuss over the answer of "no" my kids whine to their lawyer and then we start this circus all over again. Dad clearly stated in his testimony that he doesn't like to make the kids do anything they don't want to do. My attorney has advised me not to call police for assistance. And based on the kids' attorney - I can just see her eating that up "Do you have any idea what kind of trauma you caused your children by getting the police involved?"

I guess she doesn't consider the kids' dad being arrested on his front door step a bad thing.

Remember you are the mother of these children and act accordingly. You don't need buddies around to help you cope with your kids.

Everyone misunderstood the friends at the courthouse situation. They were there for my support and some, as witnesses. The kids were not supposed to be at the hearing - their attorney brought them in for the drama. Thank God they didn't have to testify.

Quit hounding your ex.

Let go of your hatred for the man you chose to create 2 children with. After all, he gave you 2 precious gifts. That should at least cancel out some of the bad.

I don't speak to him at all and only text when I have a request to see the kids (like this weekend... but they'd already scheduled a Super Bowl Sunday event during MY TIME).

Accept responsibility for your huge role in this drama. Your kids didn't get to be spoiled brats without your help. Congratulations, it seems you were successful in that regard.

I realize I've played a part in this drama - definitely. No one person is completely at fault and no person is without fault.

Grow up and lose the attitude. I know you get something out of the situation as it is. You get a bunch of people to hold your hand and tell you how wonderful you are and that they are just SHOCKED that this man should have the opportunity to turn your kids away from you. They are just SHOCKED that your children should be so ungrateful and mean to treat you this way. The fact is that YOU have created the "monsters" and YOU are going to have to fix it.

The people holding my hand are people who've known me all my life. They also know the ex and see him around town. No one understands how the courts could have deemed him fit - but they did. I am learning to accept that. What I am having trouble accepting is just because he's the custodial parent, why is it okay to just collect the child support and not encourage our children to have a relationship with their mother?

Holy cow....a custody issue where the issues ARE all about the parent(s).

 

[cyjeff]

Okay... I choked down all four pages of this nonsense.

OP, I suggest counseling. This passive/aggressive "Daddy is such a meanie my kids don't want to be with me" crap is beneath you.

Look around. You have a pair of big girl panties around there somewhere. Pull them on... add a spine if there is one in the drawer.

Next scheduled visitation, be outside the house at the appointed time. Pick up your children.

If they have homework, you do it with them. If they have a headache, get them an aspirin.

You know, that mom stuff.

Today, my 15 year old and I just pulled about 10 cubic meters of leaves out of our yard (betcha I have more leaf trees than Pooh does)... she moaned and groaned the whole time. But she still did it.

Why? Because she knows that I don't ask much but when I do there are serious repercussions if she doesn't. I don't mind a little grousing... goes with the whole teen angst thing.... but she knows that if she still wants to go to that party tonight or to continue to hold onto that cell phone or... whatever.. she had best get skipping.

Your kids don't need a buddy or a friend. They need a mom. Has it occurred to you that since you apparently don't want the job that part of the issue is that they have no idea what their relationship with you is or should be?

Your kids have one mom. Be that mom. Even if it means they sulk in their room the entire weekend in your house.

 

[ProSeDadinMD]

Dad does not have the right to ignore the counseling appointments I make. They are COURT ORDERED. The only caveat is that they have to be scheduled around my son's athletic activities, which I have always done....

Counseling actually, per court order, takes a back seat to a sporting event? Really? Why does that sound hinky to me?

 

[WillingToFight]

Counseling actually, per court order, takes a back seat to a sporting event? Really? Why does that sound hinky to me?

I'd love for you to meet the "hinky" judge assigned to my case. That was MY thought - exactly. The same judge could care less if my son's getting D's - as long as he gets to play football.

Google for the loser who let off the midget from Big World, Little People (or whatever that show is called that I have never watched) for a DUI in Washington County, Oregon. There ya go - that's MY judge.

This was a temporary order set out by the judge. I had absolutely no say in anything.

 

[WillingToFight]

Okay... I choked down all four pages of this nonsense.

OP, I suggest counseling. This passive/aggressive "Daddy is such a meanie my kids don't want to be with me" crap is beneath you.

Look around. You have a pair of big girl panties around there somewhere. Pull them on... add a spine if there is one in the drawer.

Next scheduled visitation, be outside the house at the appointed time. Pick up your children.

If they have homework, you do it with them. If they have a headache, get them an aspirin.

You know, that mom stuff.

Today, my 15 year old and I just pulled about 10 cubic meters of leaves out of our yard (betcha I have more leaf trees than Pooh does)... she moaned and groaned the whole time. But she still did it.

Why? Because she knows that I don't ask much but when I do there are serious repercussions if she doesn't. I don't mind a little grousing... goes with the whole teen angst thing.... but she knows that if she still wants to go to that party tonight or to continue to hold onto that cell phone or... whatever.. she had best get skipping.

Your kids don't need a buddy or a friend. They need a mom. Has it occurred to you that since you apparently don't want the job that part of the issue is that they have no idea what their relationship with you is or should be?

Your kids have one mom. Be that mom. Even if it means they sulk in their room the entire weekend in your house.

You know... I"m sure I sound passive aggressive here and that's what I feel I've become. Whenever I've demanded to go by the court order, I've been spanked and we move 10 steps back in the resolution of this case. If I could fire the worthless court appointed attorney for the kids - I would.

Plain and simple - the kids have been given the authority by their dad, their attorney and the courts to call all the shots. Whatever their little hearts desire - they get it. You don't want to go to Mom's? Awww just say so - she'll go away.

I AM their mom and have never tried to be their buddy or friend. That's always been their dad's role. And just think about it... if YOU were 14 and 16 and could live with one parent who doesn't care if you stay up all night, clean your room, take a shower - whatever it is that kids always moan about (Dad has a yard but it's knee high in clover and weeds) or a parent who has boundaries - which one would you choose if someone of authority told you that you COULD choose?

I have rules in my home but that's not to say that we don't have fun here. This is where kids think of during holidays, this is where they'll remember baking cookies, this is where they'll remember sledding in the snow, bicycling with mom or going to the beach or the mountains on weekends. They don't do any of that at their dad's and my son has begged his dad to take him fishing. So who do you think bought the fishing license and took him fishing this year? MOM

 

[cyjeff]

You know... I"m sure I sound passive aggressive here and that's what I feel I've become. Whenever I've demanded to go by the court order, I've been spanked and we move 10 steps back in the resolution of this case. If I could fire the worthless court appointed attorney for the kids - I would.

Plain and simple - the kids have been given the authority by their dad, their attorney and the courts to call all the shots. Whatever their little hearts desire - they get it. You don't want to go to Mom's? Awww just say so - she'll go away.

Feel better? Good.

Now then, none of that changes a thing. Be out front ready for your visitation on the next scheduled time.

I don't give the northbound end of a southbound horse about what anyone else thinks, says, feels or does. You have a court ORDER. This is not a suggestion or a guideline. This order has the force of law on those named within it.

Period.

I AM their mom and have never tried to be their buddy or friend. That's always been their dad's role. And just think about it... if YOU were 14 and 16 and could live with one parent who doesn't care if you stay up all night, clean your room, take a shower - whatever it is that kids always moan about (Dad has a yard but it's knee high in clover and weeds) or a parent who has boundaries - which one would you choose if someone of authority told you that you COULD choose?

Dunno.

My dad is an ex Army DI. I was moving holes and doing pushups as punishment when most of my friends were having their bikes taken away.

Kids, believe it or not, WANT discipline. But from respected sources only. Be that source.

I have rules in my home but that's not to say that we don't have fun here. This is where kids think of during holidays, this is where they'll remember baking cookies, this is where they'll remember sledding in the snow, bicycling with mom or going to the beach or the mountains on weekends. They don't do any of that at their dad's and my son has begged his dad to take him fishing. So who do you think bought the fishing license and took him fishing this year? MOM

I don't care if your visitation involves them staring at drying paint.

It is your visitation and you must demand it.

 

[Ohiogal]

I'd love for you to meet the "hinky" judge assigned to my case. That was MY thought - exactly. The same judge could care less if my son's getting D's - as long as he gets to play football.

Google for the loser who let off the midget from Big World, Little People (or whatever that show is called that I have never watched) for a DUI in Washington County, Oregon. There ya go - that's MY judge.
This was a temporary order set out by the judge. I had absolutely no say in anything.

YOU are out of line quite frankly. Completely out of line. You have no clue the complete facts of that case. Including the fact that it was JURY TRIAL. And yet you want to whine about the judge. This is all the judge's fault. This is all dad's fault. This is all the fault of the children.

Well where the heck is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY? What part of this do you OWN? What part of this do you admit YOU caused? Because I have not seen any of that. I have seen pages upon pages where everyone else -- from the judge to the minor's attorney to your ex to your attorney -- everyone else screwed up and you are a blessed saint. And quite frankly THERE lies your problem. YOU cannot change the situation because YOU see nothing wrong with YOUR role in it.

 

[cyjeff]

YOU are out of line quite frankly. Completely out of line. You have no clue the complete facts of that case. Including the fact that it was JURY TRIAL. And yet you want to whine about the judge. This is all the judge's fault. This is all dad's fault. This is all the fault of the children.

Well where the heck is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY? What part of this do you OWN? What part of this do you admit YOU caused? Because I have not seen any of that. I have seen pages upon pages where everyone else -- from the judge to the minor's attorney to your ex to your attorney -- everyone else screwed up and you are a blessed saint. And quite frankly THERE lies your problem. YOU cannot change the situation because YOU see nothing wrong with YOUR role in it.

Don't forget the children themselves.

The KIDS did it.

 

[stealth2]

Unfortunately, Dad is not handling much of anything right now. I had to ask my attorney to contact his attorney just so that he'd take my daughter to the doctor to complete her vaccination series. He has insurance cards, but still calls me to ask me to schedule appointments because he doesn't know how or doesn't know the number or some other lame excuse.

Or, perhaps, he doesn't want her to have this vaccine (if it's what I think it is). Gardasil is NOT a mandatory vaccination, and there are parents who have objections/concerns to it that have nothing to do with the "religious right."

The rest of this thread.... sheesh. Start being a parent. Frankly, it doesn't sound like either of you are doing a great job of it.

 

[WillingToFight]

Or, perhaps, he doesn't want her to have this vaccine (if it's what I think it is). Gardasil is NOT a mandatory vaccination, and there are parents who have objections/concerns to it that have nothing to do with the "religious right."

The rest of this thread.... sheesh. Start being a parent. Frankly, it doesn't sound like either of you are doing a great job of it.

He DOES want her to have the vaccine and I sent him information on it before I ASKED his permission to begin the vaccines. He allowed me to make all the arrangements; appointments, transportation (let's not forget I have a job that I have to take 2 hours off to make these trips while he sat at home on his BUTT).

Yes - I have a role in this. Everyone misses the lines where I've admitted to that.

Jeez... You're all right and I'm all wrong because you know everything about my case.

And FYI - that case was broadcast on television - the entire trial. The public heard just what the jury heard.

 

[Ohiogal]

He DOES want her to have the vaccine and I sent him information on it before I ASKED his permission to begin the vaccines. He allowed me to make all the arrangements; appointments, transportation (let's not forget I have a job that I have to take 2 hours off to make these trips while he sat at home on his BUTT).

Yes - I have a role in this. Everyone misses the lines where I've admitted to that.

Jeez... You're all right and I'm all wrong because you know everything about my case.

And FYI - that case was broadcast on television - the entire trial. The public heard just what the jury heard.

Regarding the vaccine -- many men do not want to take their daughters to the doctor -- why? Because things like vaginas and breasts and nipple discharge gets discussed and most men don't want to hear it. Really. You have a job. CONGRATS. I have a job too. Doesn't stop me from doing what I have to do when I have to do it. Even if I have to take off time.

The public heard the ENTIRE case on a 30 minute show? Nothing was edited? Guaranteed? You are part of the production staff on that show that made the decision? You also don't know what the jury discussed and how they reached any decision.

 

[WillingToFight]

The public heard the ENTIRE case on a 30 minute show? Nothing was edited? Guaranteed? You are part of the production staff on that show that made the decision? You also don't know what the jury discussed and how they reached any decision.

Actually - the judge made the ruling. The jury did not. The judge said that there was a 71% chance he was guilty (or something in that range) and the judge felt that was not beyond a reasonable doubt. I don't remember what the guy blew in the breathalyser but it was well over the limit.

If that had been you or I, 71% would have easily been beyond a reasonable doubt.

Further - I have friends who work with CASA who've seen time after time this very same judge award custody to the druggie parent, or the one with a criminal record.