need advice on ex's (non custodial) behavior

[mammabear]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

WILL SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE ANSWER MW QUESTION??

Hello everyone! I'm brand new here and want to first say "HI!". I was married for 16 years, was a stay at home mom for 7 of those years while my ex worked and traveled about 80% of the time. I was certainly the primary caretaker during the marriage. He cheated on me during one of my pregnancies, we tried to work things out but eventually divorced. We have been divorced now for 4+ years. He fought me for custody because of a history of drug abuse on my part. However he really never had a relationship with the children, was not home much of our marriage, cheated at least twice, didn't know what grade the kids were in, what allergies they had to medications, what soccer teams they were on, etc, etc. He was too wrapped up in himself and his own world. He is also verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive. So, I ended up getting primary custody of all three kids. However, our son who was 15 at the time wanted to live with his dad so I allowed that. Our girls who were 10 and 6 live with me. My problem is this...my ex is very, very controlling and wants to have a hand in everything we do. I've recently found out that he has people reporting to him if for whatever reason I don't take my daughter to soccer practice. He will get pissed and call me and yell at me and my daughter for not going. I said something to the fact like "why are they telling you what we are doing?" He said "with out them I wouldn't know when she isn't at school, when she isn't at soccer, when she is spending the night at her friends houses and when she is hurt." Ok, I call him when she is sick enough to go to the dr or hurt or whatever, the ONE time I couldn't call him was because THESE people called him first! They are calling him when she misses school, misses a soccer game, and again, he will call and harrass me about it. Well, she was running 101 degree fever, she was sick. AND she was with me, during time with me, it's my decision not to send her to school or soccer. Am I supposed to call him and report EVERY DAILY thing to him? And I certainly don't like the fact that he has people watching me and our daughter and reporting to him. I don't expect a daily report from him when they are with him.

I want my kids to be able to have a relationship with their father but I have been dealing with him trying to control us one way or another for so long. At one point he signed our older daughter up for a select soccer team without telling me. Then expected ME to pay for it. He wants EVERY DETAIL from me, but yet he can sign her up without talking to me. He just recently signed her up for a soccer tournament when she is supposed to be with ME and didn't mention a thing to me. I had planned a weekend vacation at the same time and now my daughter is upset if she can't play and I'm upset if we can't go on the vacation.

I have really had enough of this and have an appt with a lawyer on Monday. Our arrangement would work out so well if he could back off a little bit. LIke I said, I don't want to take them away from their father, but my 14 year old doesn't want to go there anymore. And just about weekly she is saying she wishes he would die in a car accident or plane crash. I hate that she hates her dad so much. Both of my girls are scared to death of him too. They both say they have to walk on eggshells when they are over there.

What I would ideally like to ask for is to move closer to where I work which would have to move them from their schools they are in now. Divorce decree states they have to stay in their current schools, also says I have to stay within a VERY tight boundary.."within Marcus High School Boundary" It doesn't give me much room to move. If I can move to a neighboring county,which is what most divorce decree's say in texas, then that would be great. Also, bring down his visitation to every other weekend and holidays every other year like we have been doing. Unless he can dramatically change his behavior I just don't think I can live with the stress of him constantly breathing down my back and on top of the girls all the time. My girls are so stressed too! This has got all three of us going crazy and it just isn't healthy.

Anyone have any advice or words of wisdom? BTW, I've been clean for over 5 years, held a steady job as a registered nurse for almost 4 years and am doing really well for myself. My ex is remarried and the girls don't like her either, however I think she is ok. She just never had kids of her own so she is not real good with kids, but she really tries. The bad news is that my ex was laid off in Feb from a job he had for 12 years making very good money. He is getting severance pay until the beginning of 2010 (full pay) so we are ok were that is concerned. I'm willing to put the girls on my insurance and pay for medical 100% starting in the yr 2010 if that helps. He stopped paying his portion of the girls medical bills several months ago stating that I owed him for ONE appt he took our 19 yr old son to. Um, NO...that stopped when he was 18 and I've taken him to MANY appts since he turned 18 and didn't ask for a dime from him (BTW..even though our son lived with his dad, I was the one who took him to dr's, dentists, etc. since our divorce.)

Sorry this is so long, there is a lot of details. Please let me know if you need anymore information.

Thanks for any help you can give me.

mommabear

 

[McKinney]

I was in a similar situation

I was in a similar situation. I reported my to CPS and then I spoke to the counselor at my kids school, told her my concerns and asked her to talk to the kids.

I also encouraged my kids to tell their pediatrician about any concerns they may have. My 2 reports to CPS were basically ignored, however, when the doctor made a report to CPS, it was investigated and the first place the CPS investigator went was to the school counselor and then CPS spoke to my kids while they were at school.

Because my ex had a hand gun registered to him, the CPS rep called the sheriff's department and had a county sheriff go out to the the exes house with her.

Well, they smelled marijuana and saw a pot plant, an investigation happened and they kept him under surveillance for several months before getting a search warrant. Long story short, he was indicted by a grand jury for felony possession of controlled substances. Once he is convicted and sentenced, I will file a motion to modify the visitation to protect my son.

Bottom line, you need to start documenting and getting credible outside parties (professionals) to learn what is happening and weigh in with their opinion.

I wish you and your kids luck.

Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice. I am simply sharing my personal experience with a similar situation to yours.

 

[LdiJ]

I was in a similar situation. I reported my to CPS and then I spoke to the counselor at my kids school, told her my concerns and asked her to talk to the kids.

I also encouraged my kids to tell their pediatrician about any concerns they may have. My 2 reports to CPS were basically ignored, however, when the doctor made a report to CPS, it was investigated and the first place the CPS investigator went was to the school counselor and then CPS spoke to my kids while they were at school.

Because my ex had a hand gun registered to him, the CPS rep called the sheriff's department and had a county sheriff go out to the the exes house with her.

Well, they smelled marijuana and saw a pot plant, an investigation happened and they kept him under surveillance for several months before getting a search warrant. Long story short, he was indicted by a grand jury for felony possession of controlled substances. Once he is convicted and sentenced, I will file a motion to modify the visitation to protect my son.

Bottom line, you need to start documenting and getting credible outside parties (professionals) to learn what is happening and weigh in with their opinion.

I wish you and your kids luck.

Disclaimer: I am not a lawyer and this is not legal advice. I am simply sharing my personal experience with a similar situation to yours.

Her situation is in no way similar to yours. She has not alledged physical abuse on stubstance abuse on the part of the father.

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas

WILL SOMEONE ELSE PLEASE ANSWER MW QUESTION??

Hello everyone! I'm brand new here and want to first say "HI!". I was married for 16 years, was a stay at home mom for 7 of those years while my ex worked and traveled about 80% of the time. I was certainly the primary caretaker during the marriage. He cheated on me during one of my pregnancies, we tried to work things out but eventually divorced. We have been divorced now for 4+ years. He fought me for custody because of a history of drug abuse on my part. However he really never had a relationship with the children, was not home much of our marriage, cheated at least twice, didn't know what grade the kids were in, what allergies they had to medications, what soccer teams they were on, etc, etc. He was too wrapped up in himself and his own world. He is also verbally, emotionally and psychologically abusive. So, I ended up getting primary custody of all three kids. However, our son who was 15 at the time wanted to live with his dad so I allowed that. Our girls who were 10 and 6 live with me. My problem is this...my ex is very, very controlling and wants to have a hand in everything we do. I've recently found out that he has people reporting to him if for whatever reason I don't take my daughter to soccer practice. He will get pissed and call me and yell at me and my daughter for not going. I said something to the fact like "why are they telling you what we are doing?" He said "with out them I wouldn't know when she isn't at school, when she isn't at soccer, when she is spending the night at her friends houses and when she is hurt." Ok, I call him when she is sick enough to go to the dr or hurt or whatever, the ONE time I couldn't call him was because THESE people called him first! They are calling him when she misses school, misses a soccer game, and again, he will call and harrass me about it. Well, she was running 101 degree fever, she was sick. AND she was with me, during time with me, it's my decision not to send her to school or soccer. Am I supposed to call him and report EVERY DAILY thing to him? And I certainly don't like the fact that he has people watching me and our daughter and reporting to him. I don't expect a daily report from him when they are with him.

I want my kids to be able to have a relationship with their father but I have been dealing with him trying to control us one way or another for so long. At one point he signed our older daughter up for a select soccer team without telling me. Then expected ME to pay for it. He wants EVERY DETAIL from me, but yet he can sign her up without talking to me. He just recently signed her up for a soccer tournament when she is supposed to be with ME and didn't mention a thing to me. I had planned a weekend vacation at the same time and now my daughter is upset if she can't play and I'm upset if we can't go on the vacation.

I have really had enough of this and have an appt with a lawyer on Monday. Our arrangement would work out so well if he could back off a little bit. LIke I said, I don't want to take them away from their father, but my 14 year old doesn't want to go there anymore. And just about weekly she is saying she wishes he would die in a car accident or plane crash. I hate that she hates her dad so much. Both of my girls are scared to death of him too. They both say they have to walk on eggshells when they are over there.

What I would ideally like to ask for is to move closer to where I work which would have to move them from their schools they are in now. Divorce decree states they have to stay in their current schools, also says I have to stay within a VERY tight boundary.."within Marcus High School Boundary" It doesn't give me much room to move. If I can move to a neighboring county,which is what most divorce decree's say in texas, then that would be great. Also, bring down his visitation to every other weekend and holidays every other year like we have been doing. Unless he can dramatically change his behavior I just don't think I can live with the stress of him constantly breathing down my back and on top of the girls all the time. My girls are so stressed too! This has got all three of us going crazy and it just isn't healthy.

Anyone have any advice or words of wisdom? BTW, I've been clean for over 5 years, held a steady job as a registered nurse for almost 4 years and am doing really well for myself. My ex is remarried and the girls don't like her either, however I think she is ok. She just never had kids of her own so she is not real good with kids, but she really tries. The bad news is that my ex was laid off in Feb from a job he had for 12 years making very good money. He is getting severance pay until the beginning of 2010 (full pay) so we are ok were that is concerned. I'm willing to put the girls on my insurance and pay for medical 100% starting in the yr 2010 if that helps. He stopped paying his portion of the girls medical bills several months ago stating that I owed him for ONE appt he took our 19 yr old son to. Um, NO...that stopped when he was 18 and I've taken him to MANY appts since he turned 18 and didn't ask for a dime from him (BTW..even though our son lived with his dad, I was the one who took him to dr's, dentists, etc. since our divorce.)

Sorry this is so long, there is a lot of details. Please let me know if you need anymore information.

Thanks for any help you can give me.

mommabear

You are dealing with a control freak. You can certainly talk to your attorney about getting court permission to move out of the very restricted area that you are required to stay in, and you possibly can win in that regard.

However, that is not going to stop dad being a control freak. It may take away his "spies" but its not going to stop him being a control freak. It will simply manifest itself in other ways.

What would be better is for you to grow a spine when it comes to dealing with dad.

If he signs the child up for something on your time, and you have other plans, you simply state, very calmly and in a very civilized tone that you are sorry but the child will not be able to attend because you have other plans.

If he signs the child up for an activity without discussing it with you first and then tries to make you pay for it, you simply state, very calmly and in a very civilized tone, that you wished that he had talked to you first, because your budget won't handle that right now, therefore the child will not be able to participate in the activity.

If he yells at you because the child wasn't at school or somewhere else he thought she should have been, because of reports he got from his spies...the again, you very calmly state, in a civilized tone, that you will be happy to discuss the children with him when he can do so in a civilized manner, then you say goodbye and hang up the phone.

 

[Proserpina]

You are dealing with a control freak. You can certainly talk to your attorney about getting court permission to move out of the very restricted area that you are required to stay in, and you possibly can win in that regard.

However, that is not going to stop dad being a control freak. It may take away his "spies" but its not going to stop him being a control freak. It will simply manifest itself in other ways.

What would be better is for you to grow a spine when it comes to dealing with dad.

If he signs the child up for something on your time, and you have other plans, you simply state, very calmly and in a very civilized tone that you are sorry but the child will not be able to attend because you have other plans.

If he signs the child up for an activity without discussing it with you first and then tries to make you pay for it, you simply state, very calmly and in a very civilized tone, that you wished that he had talked to you first, because your budget won't handle that right now, therefore the child will not be able to participate in the activity.

If he yells at you because the child wasn't at school or somewhere else he thought she should have been, because of reports he got from his spies...the again, you very calmly state, in a civilized tone, that you will be happy to discuss the children with him when he can do so in a civilized manner, then you say goodbye and hang up the phone.

Cosign please!

 

[frylover]

This is not legal advice, but....

If at all possible, get your children some counseling. It worries me that your child is verbalizing that she wishes her father would die. Some here would say she's being a manipulative brat and the solution is to ground her from everything except breathing until she shows dad the proper "respect." But none of us are with her and her dad and don't know what things might have led her to have such strong negative feelings. And, if God forbid, something did happen to her dad, she would feel awful. Get her some help with sorting out whatever issues there are.

 

[mammabear]

You are dealing with a control freak. You can certainly talk to your attorney about getting court permission to move out of the very restricted area that you are required to stay in, and you possibly can win in that regard.

However, that is not going to stop dad being a control freak. It may take away his "spies" but its not going to stop him being a control freak. It will simply manifest itself in other ways.

What would be better is for you to grow a spine when it comes to dealing with dad.

If he signs the child up for something on your time, and you have other plans, you simply state, very calmly and in a very civilized tone that you are sorry but the child will not be able to attend because you have other plans.

If he signs the child up for an activity without discussing it with you first and then tries to make you pay for it, you simply state, very calmly and in a very civilized tone, that you wished that he had talked to you first, because your budget won't handle that right now, therefore the child will not be able to participate in the activity.

If he yells at you because the child wasn't at school or somewhere else he thought she should have been, because of reports he got from his spies...the again, you very calmly state, in a civilized tone, that you will be happy to discuss the children with him when he can do so in a civilized manner, then you say goodbye and hang up the phone.

Well, I DO tell him that she can't play in the tournament on that weekend, I told HER that I'm sorry, I've already made plans for that same weekend and she can't play. However, she got really upset because she already had her hopes up for playing in the tournament, her dad let her pick the team and name the team. She got mad at ME for saying she can't play saying I was punishing her for things her father and I couldn't work out. I stood my ground for days and she kept at me saying "I just want to play" and I felt bad...just what her dad wanted. So, I said she can play.

As for him signing her up for the select team and asking for me to pay for it. I DID tell him NO!! AND that I WAS NOT going to be responsible for taking her to her practices 45 mins away. Also, I tell him when he calls yelling at me about her missing school or soccer I tell him that when she is with me I make that decision and when she is with him, he makes that decision. He says "I DISAGREE" and hangs up. This just keeps continuing and I don't know how to put a stop to it or if I can.

I really believe that if I move and get some distance between us it would really help.

I DO have a spine and I use it. I think that is part of what pisses him off. I used to be subordinate to him and he liked that. It's when I grew a back bone and left him that he became REALLY mean.

I also have been trying to find a counselor for my girls. I agree they need counseling. I grew up hating my dad and wishing he was dead too and I don't want her to feel that way about him in any way. I can't ground her or punish her because she feels a certain way. That's crazy. She would hate me too. She is just acknowledging how she feels. I just tell her I'm sorry things are not going well and keep trying to work on it. Being mean to her about it will NOT help. Talking with her and supporting her WILL.

 

[mammabear]

Well, the tournament next weekend is OFF!!

Well, this is how stupid my ex is...my daughter had hurt her knee really bad and had been on crutches for a little over a week. When she was getting better and walking on her leg the dr said she could return to soccer SLOWLY and progress as she felt she could. Well, knowing her she would go back full force and not go slowly. Her dad would let her do that thinking that she needs to show off for mainly HIM and then the TEAM. Well, this weekend her team had a tournament to play, four games in two days. I told her to PLEASE go EASY!! She hadn't even as much as been to a practice since she'd been off of crutches. I just got a call from her step mom saying they are on their way to the ER because she reinjured her knee!! I KNEW IT!! He let her play all four games and now she is hurt again. SO STUPID. Oh well, now she REALLY can't play in the tournament next weekend. Also, what has me really peeved is that the manager of the soccer team, her and I had a talk and I had told her about him being notified about team issues and I'm not being notified about the same issues; I feel I should have the same respect and whatever he is told, I should be told too, if something needs to be brought to a parents attention, well, she has TWO parents and in the past only HE has been called and that I also need to be called if a parent needs to be notified regarding my daughter. I specifically asked her to call me this weekend and let me know how she does with her knee. (Let me give some history...when I took her to an out of town tournament and she fractured her arm and had her in the ER he was notified by some parent on the team before I had a chance to call him) NOW the situation is turned around and do you think anyone has called ME??? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

This is how manipulative he is. He has everyone on that soccer team in the palm of his hand. He somehow gets them to listen to him and they completely ignore me.

Thank goodness my daughter does NOT want to play on this soccer team next season. I don't think I would be able to handle it another year.

 

[frylover]

Well, I DO tell him that she can't play in the tournament on that weekend, I told HER that I'm sorry, I've already made plans for that same weekend and she can't play. However, she got really upset because she already had her hopes up for playing in the tournament, her dad let her pick the team and name the team. She got mad at ME for saying she can't play saying I was punishing her for things her father and I couldn't work out. I stood my ground for days and she kept at me saying "I just want to play" and I felt bad...just what her dad wanted. So, I said she can play.

As for him signing her up for the select team and asking for me to pay for it. I DID tell him NO!! AND that I WAS NOT going to be responsible for taking her to her practices 45 mins away. Also, I tell him when he calls yelling at me about her missing school or soccer I tell him that when she is with me I make that decision and when she is with him, he makes that decision. He says "I DISAGREE" and hangs up. This just keeps continuing and I don't know how to put a stop to it or if I can.

I really believe that if I move and get some distance between us it would really help.

I DO have a spine and I use it. I think that is part of what pisses him off. I used to be subordinate to him and he liked that. It's when I grew a back bone and left him that he became REALLY mean.

I also have been trying to find a counselor for my girls. I agree they need counseling. I grew up hating my dad and wishing he was dead too and I don't want her to feel that way about him in any way. I can't ground her or punish her because she feels a certain way. That's crazy. She would hate me too. She is just acknowledging how she feels. I just tell her I'm sorry things are not going well and keep trying to work on it. Being mean to her about it will NOT help. Talking with her and supporting her WILL.

Plese don't misunderstand....I do NOT think your child should be punished for having and expressing negative emotions and feelings about dad. And I absolutely think she SHOULD feel safe expressing herself to you. Just saying everyone might not agree. But I'm glad you are looking to get them counseling.

 

[mammabear]

This is not legal advice, but....

If at all possible, get your children some counseling. It worries me that your child is verbalizing that she wishes her father would die. Some here would say she's being a manipulative brat and the solution is to ground her from everything except breathing until she shows dad the proper "respect." But none of us are with her and her dad and don't know what things might have led her to have such strong negative feelings. And, if God forbid, something did happen to her dad, she would feel awful. Get her some help with sorting out whatever issues there are.

From what you said it sounded to me like you agreed with grounding her because of how she felt. It was when you said "but NONE OF US are with her..." that made me feel that way.

Again, grounding her or trying to "force" her into respecting someone is crazy. Sounds like what my ex is trying to do. You EARN respect, you do not demand respect. I continually ask my daughter to try to talk to her dad, however, I KNOW the man. There is NO TALKING to him! He see's things ONE way...HIS way. He can't empathize or understand if someone is being hurt by the way he is behaving. (He is NPD...narcissistic personality disorder) I don't know what you know or don't know about that but they are impossible to deal with and I completely understand my daughters anger towards him. All she wants is for him to listen to her and say "I am sorry for the way you feel, let's talk about it." Or some kind of words that say he cares how she feels. He doesn't have that capability so she doesn't think he DOES care. I tell her he DOES, he just has a very hard time expressing it. Give the girl a break...she is 14, she shouldn't have to be dealing with any of this at all!!

But, yes, she definately needs counseling. We were ALL ordered in the divorce decree to go. I've been going for years, I've taken all three kids and guess who never went??? YEP! My ex! He was asked 3 times by my lawyer. I'm gonna file contempt charges now if he doesn't finally go. He just doesn't get how bad he is hurting his kids.

 

[stealth2]

Actually, it sounds as though your daughter has learned how to manipulate quite nicely. She hates her Dad, doesn't want to play on this team again, blah blah when she's with you. Wonder what she says to him? 'Cause from the sounds of it, she wants to play on this team.

As for why "no one" called you when she was injured? Sweetheart - "someone" DID - her stepmother. So why would there be any need for anyone ELSE to call you?

 

[wileybunch]

As for why "no one" called you when she was injured? Sweetheart - "someone" DID - her stepmother. So why would there be any need for anyone ELSE to call you?

I think she's referring to the same people that call Dad when something happens with DD on the soccer team, but they don't call Mom. But, what's confusing to me is what problem she is trying to solve. She cannot solve what alliances people choose to make and I don't know why she interjected that comment in the main line of what she was posting. That is only, at best, a side note.