UN-adoption by abusive spouse

[lilybird82]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas. My husband and I were married a year and a half ago, during which time my son (whose biological father is deceased) was adopted by my husband. 8 months ago, my husband and I separated after he forced my son and I from our house one night. I have an email in which he confesses to doing this, physically threatening me, driving recklessly with us in the car, and verbally assaulting me within earshot of my son (4 years old). He has continued to be emotionally abusive since this time, but I do not have any proof or confession, just my own testimony and things I have written down. I am now lining up everything to divorce my husband, but my question is this: Since my son has lived with me his entire life, only lived with my husband for 8 months, and has now been living with me entirely for the last 8 months since our separation, what do I need to do to make sure I get full custody and my husband never sees my son again? Also, the adoption finalized 8 months ago-- is there any way that the adoption can be "undone" if I as his biological mother or both parents want to terminate parental rights? If the courts do not allow adoptions to be reversed, will my husband have to pay child support even if I do not want it?

Thanks!

 

[Proserpina]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Texas. My husband and I were married a year and a half ago, during which time my son (whose biological father is deceased) was adopted by my husband. 8 months ago, my husband and I separated after he forced my son and I from our house one night. I have an email in which he confesses to doing this, physically threatening me, driving recklessly with us in the car, and verbally assaulting me within earshot of my son (4 years old). He has continued to be emotionally abusive since this time, but I do not have any proof or confession, just my own testimony and things I have written down. I am now lining up everything to divorce my husband, but my question is this: Since my son has lived with me his entire life, only lived with my husband for 8 months, and has now been living with me entirely for the last 8 months since our separation, what do I need to do to make sure I get full custody and my husband never sees my son again? Also, the adoption finalized 8 months ago-- is there any way that the adoption can be "undone" if I as his biological mother or both parents want to terminate parental rights? If the courts do not allow adoptions to be reversed, will my husband have to pay child support even if I do not want it?

Thanks!

No, you can't "unadopt". No, you can't have his rights terminated.

You decided that he's Dad. HE IS NOW DAD.

And if he wants visitation and even partial custody, he's likely going to get it.

Yes, you can file for child support but you don't have to. However if you go on State aid, you will be required to name your husband as the child's father and they will initiate an action to be reimbursed.

Folks:

THIS is why stepparent adoptions need to be SERIOUSLY considered.

 

[lilybird82]

This is what I thought... So the email confessing to illegally kicking us out of our home, and other things wouldn't really change anything in court if I were to present it as a means of getting full custody? I mean, he hasn't hit either of us so that I have doctor or police records, just an email saying there is emotional abuse.

Could I get my son's name changed back to his biological dad's name even if he's legally adopted by my soon to be ex-husband as part of the divorce decree?

 

[Proserpina]

This is what I thought... So the email confessing to illegally kicking us out of our home, and other things wouldn't really change anything in court if I were to present it as a means of getting full custody? I mean, he hasn't hit either of us so that I have doctor or police records, just an email saying there is emotional abuse.

Not going go matter.

You understand that you having full custody doesn't mean that Dad has no rights, correct? He'll still be able to get regular visitation.

Could I get my son's name changed back to his biological dad's name even if he's legally adopted by my soon to be ex-husband as part of the divorce decree?

Not without Dad's permission.

Seriously - you can't erase Dad. You are going to be coparenting with him for a good long while. Best get used to that sooner rather than later.

 

[stealth2]

Hon - you CHOSE this man to be your son's father. You don't get to UNchoose him. At most, you'll be able to get some sort of supervised visitation between them. But you would have to prove that he is a danger to his child.

 

[lilybird82]

Okay then...what about this? Can there be any legal repercussions if I threatened a little blackmail to keep him from my child? Please understand, this is not something I would ordinarily do, but should this man choose to try to play up his parental rights with my son, who is not his biologically, who has only lived with him for 8 months, who has only talked to my son a handful of times since the separation 8 months ago...he would have more sinister intentions whether I can prove that or not. Say I threatened to send lists of things he's done and unpleasant emails to his work, family, and friends to make sure he's not trying to use my son as blackmail against me? Since it seems it doesn't really matter legally what he's done to us, could I do similar things without it really mattering to the court if he tells them about it? I would, of course, give him the chance to step away from the whole situation himself and see his reaction before pulling out these kind of precautions.

 

[lilybird82]

I didn't say this, but the blackmail would be so he voluntarily decides to stay away from my son. I already had planned to tell him he doesn't have to pay child support if he chooses to have nothing to do with us.

 

[Proserpina]

Okay then...what about this? Can there be any legal repercussions if I threatened a little blackmail to keep him from my child? Please understand, this is not something I would ordinarily do, but should this man choose to try to play up his parental rights with my son, who is not his biologically, who has only lived with him for 8 months, who has only talked to my son a handful of times since the separation 8 months ago...he would have more sinister intentions whether I can prove that or not. Say I threatened to send lists of things he's done and unpleasant emails to his work, family, and friends to make sure he's not trying to use my son as blackmail against me? Since it seems it doesn't really matter legally what he's done to us, could I do similar things without it really mattering to the court if he tells them about it? I would, of course, give him the chance to step away from the whole situation himself and see his reaction before pulling out these kind of precautions.

I'm almost rooting for Dad to get custody at this point.

You're suggesting something absolutely despicable. And nobody here is going to encourage it.

 

[lilybird82]

You might feel differently if you were in my situation and you were trying to protect your child from someone who would intentionally attempt to ruin their life. It's called being a mother bear... But I can understand how you would feel that way being removed from it. I don't encourage blackmail either. I just want to know if there would be legal repercussions for it.

 

[Proserpina]

You might feel differently if you were in my situation and you were trying to protect your child from someone who would intentionally attempt to ruin their life. It's called being a mother bear... But I can understand how you would feel that way being removed from it. I don't encourage blackmail either. I just want to know if there would be legal repercussions for it.

Yes, there can be legal repercussions.

This can amount to alienation of this child's other legal parent. Enough of that can cost you custody.

Do you WANT to become the NCP?

 

[Antigone*]

I didn't say this, but the blackmail would be so he voluntarily decides to stay away from my son. I already had planned to tell him he doesn't have to pay child support if he chooses to have nothing to do with us.

Really, you didn't say this?

Ignorance can be educated and crazy can be medicated, but there's no cure for stupid, and you behavior is borderline stupid!

 

[lilybird82]

While I appreciate your input, I don't understand why it's stupid to keep a domestic abuser away from a small child-- my small child. Perhaps I didn't clarify that this man has been extremely physically threatening and is NOT the biological father, so would only be trying to gain custody of my child so he could harass me. He lives 2500 miles away, so he would be taking my child across the US to carry this out. This man has only been in my child's life for a hellish year and a half. I married him thinking it would be for life, because I truly loved him, thought he would be good to us as he was before he changed. Because I married him for life, I let him adopt my son-- my son's dad died, so why not let him be the son of the father he will know. Maybe that was stupid-- but it was done with true intentions of being his loving wife and creating a united family (while time has shown he obviously did not have the same intentions to love us back). And know what, maybe I was stupid to marry him in the first place, but I don't want to be more stupid and let him take my son.

Furthermore, perhaps I was not clear enough in what my "blackmail" would be-- telling him that if he tries to use my son as bait to harass me, I will be happy to tell the people that he knows exactly what he has done to me and my son-- as in reveal his true character as an abusive man. This would actually serve 2 purposes- I would be standing up for my son's protection as well as letting other people around him know what he has been up to privately. Maybe to me this sounds like blackmail, only bc I have been extremely careful to protect his reputation, holding out for the hope of reconciliation after he finished counseling. I mean, if I was working with or friends with a domestic abuser, I would want to know!! However, for all my hopes, he still treats us cruelly, dangerously (and doesn't have ANY repercussions for it, by the way) and I'm trying to remedy this situation and sending my son off 2500 miles away with him alone is not going to cut it.

To me, what's screwed up is how the justice system makes it so hard for domestic violence victims to protect themselves and their children. It's like they won't count the domestic violence unless it's physically severe-- which, if it's severe abuse, the damage is already done mentally and physically. If a man goes into a bank and threatens to shoot everyone in there, he still goes to jail whether he followed through on his threat or not. In a family however, "Well, honey, you're on your own. Though you have written proof of his threats, that makes no difference. Now...go send your child off with him!" Makes no sense.

Of course, it's me talking, but I don't think I'm that stupid by saying I'll blackmail him. I'll do anything to protect my child from a dangerous man. But everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

 

[Proserpina]

While I appreciate your input, I don't understand why it's stupid to keep a domestic abuser away from a small child-- my small child.

HIS small child, too.

Don't you understand that?

This is HIS child.

Just as much as yours.

Perhaps I didn't clarify that this man has been extremely physically threatening and is NOT the biological father, so would only be trying to gain custody of my child so he could harass me. He lives 2500 miles away, so he would be taking my child across the US to carry this out. This man has only been in my child's life for a hellish year and a half. I married him thinking it would be for life, because I truly loved him, thought he would be good to us as he was before he changed. Because I married him for life, I let him adopt my son-- my son's dad died, so why not let him be the son of the father he will know. Maybe that was stupid-- but it was done with true intentions of being his loving wife and creating a united family (while time has shown he obviously did not have the same intentions to love us back). And know what, maybe I was stupid to marry him in the first place, but I don't want to be more stupid and let him take my son.

Furthermore, perhaps I was not clear enough in what my "blackmail" would be-- telling him that if he tries to use my son as bait to harass me, I will be happy to tell the people that he knows exactly what he has done to me and my son-- as in reveal his true character as an abusive man. This would actually serve 2 purposes- I would be standing up for my son's protection as well as letting other people around him know what he has been up to privately. Maybe to me this sounds like blackmail, only bc I have been extremely careful to protect his reputation, holding out for the hope of reconciliation after he finished counseling. I mean, if I was working with or friends with a domestic abuser, I would want to know!! However, for all my hopes, he still treats us cruelly, dangerously (and doesn't have ANY repercussions for it, by the way) and I'm trying to remedy this situation and sending my son off 2500 miles away with him alone is not going to cut it.

To me, what's screwed up is how the justice system makes it so hard for domestic violence victims to protect themselves and their children. It's like they won't count the domestic violence unless it's physically severe-- which, if it's severe abuse, the damage is already done mentally and physically. If a man goes into a bank and threatens to shoot everyone in there, he still goes to jail whether he followed through on his threat or not. In a family however, "Well, honey, you're on your own. Though you have written proof of his threats, that makes no difference. Now...go send your child off with him!" Makes no sense.

Of course, it's me talking, but I don't think I'm that stupid by saying I'll blackmail him. I'll do anything to protect my child from a dangerous man. But everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

The LAW says he has EQUAL rights to HIS child.

And really - it's so incredibly easy (and very common) to allege all sorts of things after the relationship ends.

That's why PROOF is needed.

You have no PROOF. And what you're saying is going to leave you open to charges of blackmail, possibly a defamation suit, and losing custody of your child. You ready for that, Mom?

Really?

 

[lilybird82]

you're right. i'm gonna go hire myself a good lawyer now.

 

[Proserpina]

you're right. i'm gonna go hire myself a good lawyer now.

To do what, I don't know.

But sure - pay an attorney to tell you what you've been told here for free.

Dad is Dad and will remain Dad. Period. End of story. At worst, he's going to get supervised visitation . But without proof that he's done anything, he'll likely eventually get joint legal with the usual visitation schedule.

That means you won't be present. That means that eventually, your son will likely be flying over to see Dad by himself.

Watch yourself, Mom. Because I'm not sure you actually "get it", at all. And you really need to.

(OT - I predict the OG Effect. Totally).