UN-adoption by abusive spouse

[Ohiogal]

Okay then...what about this? Can there be any legal repercussions if I threatened a little blackmail to keep him from my child? Please understand, this is not something I would ordinarily do, but should this man choose to try to play up his parental rights with my son, who is not his biologically, who has only lived with him for 8 months, who has only talked to my son a handful of times since the separation 8 months ago...he would have more sinister intentions whether I can prove that or not. Say I threatened to send lists of things he's done and unpleasant emails to his work, family, and friends to make sure he's not trying to use my son as blackmail against me? Since it seems it doesn't really matter legally what he's done to us, could I do similar things without it really mattering to the court if he tells them about it? I would, of course, give him the chance to step away from the whole situation himself and see his reaction before pulling out these kind of precautions.

You could be criminally prosecuted and thrown in jail and then your ex gets custody. Seems fair. Go ahead and do it. Then he gets full custody of junior and you get to spend some time in prison. That works.

 

[Ohiogal]

I didn't say this, but the blackmail would be so he voluntarily decides to stay away from my son. I already had planned to tell him he doesn't have to pay child support if he chooses to have nothing to do with us.

Blackmail is a crime. You are a piece of work. Apparently you chose him to be daddy and now you want to criminally keep him away from HIS son because you are acting like a three year old. He didn't illegally remove you from the house. YOU CHOSE TO LEAVE.

Now you are trying to commit a crime to get what you want. You have no good morals, do you? The issue is YOU apparently don't have good judgment either. If you carry through on your "blackmail", not only are criminal charges a possibility but CPS becoming involved is also a possibility. Maybe though your child would be better off without you in his life -- foster care may be an improvement. Poor kid.

 

[LdiJ]

Obviously this mom has said the kind of things that really push our buttons, but I think this situation is a little different than the average.

This dad lives 2500 miles away, only lived with the child for 8 months, has been separated from the child for another 8 months, and likely does not have any emotional attachment to the child. He is not going to want to pay child support or the associated costs of visitation.

If mom does not ask for any child support, and is able to keep off of any public assistance, its quite likely that dad will leave her and the child alone.

 

[st-kitts]

While I appreciate your input, I don't understand why it's stupid to keep a domestic abuser away from a small child-- my small child. Perhaps I didn't clarify that this man has been extremely physically threatening and is NOT the biological father, so would only be trying to gain custody of my child so he could harass me.

It is not stupid to try to protect a small child. It is use of very poor judgment to try to protect the small child by doing something illegal that could actually prevent you from protecting the small child for the bulk of the child’s childhood because you either lose custody or are prosecuted criminally or possibly both.

He lives 2500 miles away, so he would be taking my child across the US to carry this out. This man has only been in my child's life for a hellish year and a half.

You are seeking to compound one bad decision with another. You allowed someone who was a legal stranger to your child to become legally Dad in a year and a half. You did this apparently before you knew anything about his character.

I married him thinking it would be for life, because I truly loved him, thought he would be good to us as he was before he changed. Because I married him for life, I let him adopt my son-- my son's dad died, so why not let him be the son of the father he will know.

And now, you have a child with this man. Happens a lot.

Maybe that was stupid-- but it was done with true intentions of being his loving wife and creating a united family (while time has shown he obviously did not have the same intentions to love us back). And know what, maybe I was stupid to marry him in the first place, but I don't want to be more stupid and let him take my son.

Exactly. This is how many children are conceived, with two people believing they will be a family for eternity and that the other person will remain committed and loving. You conceived a child with this man in the courts but the child is now his son too.

Furthermore, perhaps I was not clear enough in what my "blackmail" would be-- telling him that if he tries to use my son as bait to harass me, I will be happy to tell the people that he knows exactly what he has done to me and my son-- as in reveal his true character as an abusive man.

You were extremely clear. You are considering breaking the law. Where his crimes may be concealed and opaque, the one you are describing might be easy to prosecute. Do you think for a second your ex wouldn’t attempt to play that card, if given the chance?

This would actually serve 2 purposes- I would be standing up for my son's protection as well as letting other people around him know what he has been up to privately.

This doesn’t serve the purpose you would hope I am afraid. Most people care most about their own life, not the life of others. Your revelation will be but a blip on the radar, if that, for most. The shock value will be small at best and will probably have next to no effect on his life. They may think less of your ex, but they may think less of you. Talking with a counselor is a great way to recover from a bad relationship. You might talk with close friends and family. In addition to laws on blackmail, there are also laws of slander, libel, defamation so you need to watch your step…

Maybe to me this sounds like blackmail, only bc I have been extremely careful to protect his reputation, holding out for the hope of reconciliation after he finished counseling. I mean, if I was working with or friends with a domestic abuser, I would want to know!!

If you were working with domestic abusers (which if you work in a larger organization you probably already are) why would you want to know? Is it impacting their work? Domestic abuse, heinous as it is, doesn’t necessarily impact an individual’s ability to function perfectly normally outside an intimate relationship.

However, for all my hopes, he still treats us cruelly, dangerously (and doesn't have ANY repercussions for it, by the way) and I'm trying to remedy this situation and sending my son off 2500 miles away with him alone is not going to cut it.

Get a good attorney, but you are fighting an uphill and losing battle. Please don’t compound the mistake of allowing an adoption of your son by a virtual stranger with criminal acts on your part. You seem keen on rash decisions that sound good on the surface but play out poorly. Get counseling and an attorney, then act in accordance with their advice.

To me, what's screwed up is how the justice system makes it so hard for domestic violence victims to protect themselves and their children. It's like they won't count the domestic violence unless it's physically severe-- which, if it's severe abuse, the damage is already done mentally and physically.

Actually, the criminal justice system takes DV very seriously. One of the grand impediments to prosecuting DV is the complicated ties between the victim and the perpetrator. In other crimes, the victim achieves a sense of justice when a perpetrator receives punishment and in general has no negative impact from cooperating with the prosecution. There are long lasting negative effects from seeing “justice” served against the perpetrator who was/is also a loved one often for the victim (still) and for the victim and perpetrator’s mutual children.

The victim’s tendency to recant, to cease cooperating, to not show up for hearings, and to beg for mercy on the perpetrator all hinder the system’s ability to protect the victim. When someone shoplifts from Wal-Mart, Wal Mart isn’t calling the local jail asking to post bail and drop charges the next morning…

If a man goes into a bank and threatens to shoot everyone in there, he still goes to jail whether he followed through on his threat or not. In a family however, "Well, honey, you're on your own. Though you have written proof of his threats, that makes no difference. Now...go send your child off with him!" Makes no sense.

Bad analogy. The behavior of the victims in the bank would include notifying the authorities at the first threat and cooperating in the prosecution. There would be multiple witnesses and video footage, possibly, to support the allegations…

Of course, it's me talking, but I don't think I'm that stupid by saying I'll blackmail him. I'll do anything to protect my child from a dangerous man. But everyone is entitled to their own opinions.

OK. If you don’t think that as a mother to a small child that depends on you for love and support and therefore should do everything in your power to remain that child’s mother, so be it. Many people in jail have children. The kids aren’t in jail with them. And blackmailing the other parent to stay away is as good a way to lose custody of a child as any I have ever heard. If you weren’t prosecuted criminally, the odds of losing custody if this behavior is revealed are between good and excellent.

Legally, you want to have the child un-adopted and that isn’t possible. Adoptive parents are not second class parents. They have the same rights as biological parents, so you can’t change your mind at this point. You can get a good attorney to help you get the custody deal most beneficial to the child and hopefully one that will help you understand that you need to work within the law, not go around it.

The ability to protect the child from the other parent is at conception (or adoption in this case).

 

[Ohiogal]

Obviously this mom has said the kind of things that really push our buttons, but I think this situation is a little different than the average.

This dad lives 2500 miles away, only lived with the child for 8 months, has been separated from the child for another 8 months, and likely does not have any emotional attachment to the child. He is not going to want to pay child support or the associated costs of visitation.

If mom does not ask for any child support, and is able to keep off of any public assistance, its quite likely that dad will leave her and the child alone.

Possibly dad will leave her and the child alone. HOWEVER that does not change the fact that this person is wanting to commit a crime and is showing herself to be someone of low morals, little integrity and mass ego. Somehow she perpetuated an adoption with this man BEFORE they were married and without an attorney -- most likely her actions here are not the first time she has engaged in, or been willing to engage in, unethical, illegal behavior.

 

[st-kitts]

Obviously this mom has said the kind of things that really push our buttons, but I think this situation is a little different than the average.

This dad lives 2500 miles away, only lived with the child for 8 months, has been separated from the child for another 8 months, and likely does not have any emotional attachment to the child. He is not going to want to pay child support or the associated costs of visitation.

If mom does not ask for any child support, and is able to keep off of any public assistance, its quite likely that dad will leave her and the child alone.

If her ex truly was abusive, he may likely attempt to harass her for years. If he is very abusive, he may be more than happy to pay the costs associated with the ability to continue that harassment.

OP needs to be careful because she is discussing committing a crime to keep Dad away. Laying low might be an option for OP, but blackmail is a terrible idea and OP really needs to understand that.

Is it true that "Dad" is probably at this point using the child to harass mom and not for any genuine desire to parent? Probably. But I am less than convinced that this isn't the case with many biological parents as well. I think many parents that come to this site and get slammed have actually pretty good reasons for trying to keep a parent away from the child. I stay silent on those threads, for the most part, simply because my support for them might actually harm them in court. The court’s opinion and public opinion don’t always match. The mom’s desire to protect her child is understandable, but at this point whatever course of action she chooses needs to obey the letter of the law.

 

[LdiJ]

If her ex truly was abusive, he may likely attempt to harass her for years. If he is very abusive, he may be more than happy to pay the costs associated with the ability to continue that harassment.

OP needs to be careful because she is discussing committing a crime to keep Dad away. Laying low might be an option for OP, but blackmail is a terrible idea and OP really needs to understand that.

Is it true that "Dad" is probably at this point using the child to harass mom and not for any genuine desire to parent? Probably. But I am less than convinced that this isn't the case with many biological parents as well. I think many parents that come to this site and get slammed have actually pretty good reasons for trying to keep a parent away from the child. I stay silent on those threads, for the most part, simply because my support for them might actually harm them in court. The court’s opinion and public opinion don’t always match. The mom’s desire to protect her child is understandable, but at this point whatever course of action she chooses needs to obey the letter of the law.

I am not at all suggesting that she not obey the letter of the law. What I am suggesting is that if she does not ask for child support, dad may not ask for visitation.

He is 2500.00 miles away

 

[lilybird82]

Blackmail is a crime. You are a piece of work. Apparently you chose him to be daddy and now you want to criminally keep him away from HIS son because you are acting like a three year old. He didn't illegally remove you from the house. YOU CHOSE TO LEAVE.

Now you are trying to commit a crime to get what you want. You have no good morals, do you? The issue is YOU apparently don't have good judgment either. If you carry through on your "blackmail", not only are criminal charges a possibility but CPS becoming involved is also a possibility. Maybe though your child would be better off without you in his life -- foster care may be an improvement. Poor kid.

Actually, I didn't choose to leave at all. He and I bought a house together after we were married, I am an owner of the house. One night, he told me he was going to rip my head off and started telling me to get the f--- out of "his" house, along with clapping in front of my face like he was going to hit me, jumping up and down asking me to fight with him, and charging at me so I would be forced out. Told him I was going to call the police, and he convinced me they would do nothing bc he had not hit me. I believed him and grabbed my son (who he had also told to get out and never come back) and we got out. That was definitely illegally forcing me out of my own home.

I can see that I've really ticked people off by saying that I would use stories like this as blackmail against him if he tried to take my child. But, at the same time, everyone is saying there is nothing I can do but let the man take my child, at least part of the time, bc my proof of abuse will not stand in court. It just sounds like it's a helpless situation on my part that favors him.

Possibly dad will leave her and the child alone. HOWEVER that does not change the fact that this person is wanting to commit a crime and is showing herself to be someone of low morals, little integrity and mass ego. Somehow she perpetuated an adoption with this man BEFORE they were married and without an attorney -- most likely her actions here are not the first time she has engaged in, or been willing to engage in, unethical, illegal behavior.

I did not let him adopt my son before we were married, he adopted after we were married. And I don't know why it's supposedly wrong to adopt without an attorney, we did do it ourselves. It was not illegal or unethical in any way, it was offered to us as an option on the first day we walked in to ask about the adoption process.

I am a law abiding citizen, just desperate. Besides, I'm not even claiming I will follow through on the blackmail-- I'm just asking about what the legal repercussions of it are in the case of someone who is essentially using the legal system to blackmail me by saying he'll take partial custody my child simply because he knows I cannot stop it. The repercussions seem severe for telling people what's going on-- I would go to jail and lose custody of my child (Doesn't a defamation suit mean the defaming has to be untrue, just asking). That doesn't sound like something I would follow through on, then. I'm just thinking it through, since the unanimous answer is that I can do absolutely nothing about keeping my child from him legally and some even seem to favor the domestic abuser bc my son is "his" child now. There's no reason to think that I'm not telling the truth that there have been repeated abuses. I'm on here asking for advice...it should be taken at face value that it is the truth if you want to answer my questions correctly. There has been abuse, I have written confessions from him and personal documentation, but those won't stand up in a child custody battle, apparently.

Plus, in regards to the blackmail, I think the one who said if I told people about it that no one would really care is probably true. At the end of the day, no one really does care what goes on in someone else's personal life.

 

[Ohiogal]

Actually, I didn't choose to leave at all. He and I bought a house together after we were married, I am an owner of the house. One night, he told me he was going to rip my head off and started telling me to get the f--- out of "his" house, along with clapping in front of my face like he was going to hit me, jumping up and down asking me to fight with him, and charging at me so I would be forced out. Told him I was going to call the police, and he convinced me they would do nothing bc he had not hit me. I believed him and grabbed my son (who he had also told to get out and never come back) and we got out. That was definitely illegally forcing me out of my own home.

WRONG. That was YOU CHOOSING TO LEAVE. You could have called the police. You CHOSE not to do so. You could have stayed. You CHOSE not to do so. You CHOSE to leave with your son. Try looking at the facts.


I

can see that I've really ticked people off by saying that I would use stories like this as blackmail against him if he tried to take my child. But, at the same time, everyone is saying there is nothing I can do but let the man take my child, at least part of the time, bc my proof of abuse will not stand in court. It just sounds like it's a helpless situation on my part that favors him.

You decided to play musical daddies. That gives HIM the constitutional right and equal rights to HIS child. You have no proof of abuse. Your attitude is ridiculous. You wanted him to be the daddy and made him so. You CHOSE to do so. You CHOSE not to get a CPO against him. You CHOSE to marry him. You CHOSE all of this quite frankly. And now you want to blackmail him thus committing a felony. Your judgment needs a radical adjustment.

I did not let him adopt my son before we were married, he adopted after we were married. And I don't know why it's supposedly wrong to adopt without an attorney, we did do it ourselves. It was not illegal or unethical in any way, it was offered to us as an option on the first day we walked in to ask about the adoption process.

So you had a homestudy and everything else? Correct?

I am a law abiding citizen, just desperate. Besides, I'm not even claiming I will follow through on the blackmail-- I'm just asking about what the legal repercussions of it are in the case of someone who is essentially using the legal system to blackmail me by saying he'll take partial custody my child simply because he knows I cannot stop it.

Wrong. He will take PARTIAL CUSTODY OF HIS CHILD. You gave him that right.

The repercussions seem severe for telling people what's going on-- I would go to jail and lose custody of my child (Doesn't a defamation suit mean the defaming has to be untrue, just asking).

No one said it would be because of defamation. It would be because of the threat of blackmail. Blackmail is a crime.

That doesn't sound like something I would follow through on, then. I'm just thinking it through, since the unanimous answer is that I can do absolutely nothing about keeping my child from him legally and some even seem to favor the domestic abuser bc my son is "his" child now.

YOu have NO PROOF of domestic abuse. YOU are the one who had him adopt. Therefore this is HIS son. Why? Because you wanted it that way.

There's no reason to think that I'm not telling the truth that there have been repeated abuses. I'm on here asking for advice...it should be taken at face value that it is the truth if you want to answer my questions correctly. There has been abuse, I have written confessions from him and personal documentation, but those won't stand up in a child custody battle, apparently.

YOu are really thick, aren't you?

Plus, in regards to the blackmail, I think the one who said if I told people about it that no one would really care is probably true. At the end of the day, no one really does care what goes on in someone else's personal life.

Bravo. So you won't commit a felony.

 

[Just Blue]

You might feel differently if you were in my situation and you were trying to protect your child from someone who would intentionally attempt to ruin their life. It's called being a mother bear... But I can understand how you would feel that way being removed from it. I don't encourage blackmail either. I just want to know if there would be legal repercussions for it.

Perhaps before playing musical Daddy's you should consider the effect on the child. After 10 months of marriage (during which time you petitioned for an adoption) Dad became a "sudden" monster? With no head-up? Really?

Poor child to have such a mother.

 

[Just Blue]

Yesterday, 10:57 PM
lilybird82
Junior Member Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 11

Well, maybe it is recommended to hire an attorney, but I did it myself. The county office was super helpful and gave me all the necessary information. I just called them when I needed help on forms or had questions. It all went through without a hitch and was pretty straightforward, all in all. I'm sure it took a lot more time that way, though. I can see how most people would prefer to just hire an attorney, I wanted to save money.

But anyway, she wanted to know if her children would still receive their Survivors Benefits, and I was just letting her know that I am a person whose child still receives his biological father's benefits after adoption by step-parent. If she, the spouse, is receiving her late husband's benefits, those will stop however.

Per the above posting to another members thread...Yes. There is something dumber than dirt.

 

[LdiJ]

Per the above posting to another members thread...Yes. There is something dumber than dirt.

It really did make me shake my head to see her advocating to someone else to make the same mistake that she made.

 

[Antigone*]

Someone must have reported abcaulkin's post- thank you for that.
I read only the first sentence and immediately wanted to spit. I don't care about anything else IT wrote. IT is a troll- period. End of story

 

[nextwife]

You need to STOP making your "I'm the BIOLOGICAL parent, he's NOT the biological parent" argument. After adoption, bio or not is irrelevant. If you didn't understand that adoption is FOREVER and that it confers exactly the same rights and obligatiions upon the adoptive parent as the bioparent had, you should not have pursued it. You clearly do not seem to understand what an adoptive parent is, else you would not continue pointing out his lack of biological connection.

IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY no difference whether he is or is not a biological parent. It is now legally irrelevant.

IMHO, there should be a two year MINIMUM wait for step parent adoption.