11 years later I find out I have a daughter...now what?

[RSMBob]

What is the name of your state? CA (mom and daughter now live in UT)

12 years ago I dated a girl for six months. Despite trying to be careful, she
told me she got pregnant and when it happened she and her family cut off all
ties to me (long story) and access from me to her. She told me she had a miscarriage (she also had other health issues) and said we could not see or talk again because it was so hard. It was the most traumatic emotional ordeal I had ever gone through...well, until now. 2 weeks ago I get a phone call from her...she now lives in Utah (moved thre when the girl was < 1 year old)...and says that we have an 11-year old daughter together and the girl wants to know more about me. Once I picked my jaw up off the ground I was able to get some questions answered, but obviously MANY more remain.

Needless to say this has brought up such a wide range of emotions in me that
I'm not sure what to do next. Her mom says she's not after money or anything, just wants her to have the oppty to get to know me and my family. The mom sent me some pics of the girl and I sent her a letter and a couple of pictures, but I am wary of jumping in too far at this point. My ex-gf is also going through a divorce so I'm not sure what role that
plays in things with her or the girl (although she will likely get 100% custody since the husband never adopted her). I'm not 100% sure that the girl is my
daughter, but I believe it is likely. My name is not on the birth cert, and the girl was told at 6 years old that she had a different father who was "not ready" to be a dad at that time. I'll reserve my comment on that statement in this forum.

I am now married with 2 kids and my wife is being very supportive but I know she is hurting (she has rightfully vented a couple of times), and we have seen clergy at our church about this.

I don't know what I want out of this, but if I have a daughter who needs me as some part of her life, I don't want to deny her. Most importantly, I don't want to jeopardize my wife and kids in any way...financially or otherwise and I am concerned about potential entrapment of some type by my former gf. Given the lies and deception that led to this point, I have very strong negative emotional feelings towars my ex-gf (lying to me, falsifying the birth cert, child endangerment for not getting my medical records for the child, moving away, and more), but I want to go forward in a way that will give the girl what she wants and needs to the best of my ability.

I would appreciate any counsel/guidance/advice on what I need to do to move forward without jeopardizing myself or my family. Focusing on the past will not help anyone, but I want to do what is best in the present and future.

Note: Posting in this in more than one forum because it covers more than one topic.

 

[stealth2]

I'd start with a DNA test.

 

[casa]

What is the name of your state? CA (mom and daughter now live in UT)

12 years ago I dated a girl for six months. Despite trying to be careful, she
told me she got pregnant and when it happened she and her family cut off all
ties to me (long story) and access from me to her. She told me she had a miscarriage (she also had other health issues) and said we could not see or talk again because it was so hard. It was the most traumatic emotional ordeal I had ever gone through...well, until now. 2 weeks ago I get a phone call from her...she now lives in Utah (moved thre when the girl was < 1 year old)...and says that we have an 11-year old daughter together and the girl wants to know more about me. Once I picked my jaw up off the ground I was able to get some questions answered, but obviously MANY more remain.

Needless to say this has brought up such a wide range of emotions in me that
I'm not sure what to do next. Her mom says she's not after money or anything, just wants her to have the oppty to get to know me and my family. The mom sent me some pics of the girl and I sent her a letter and a couple of pictures, but I am wary of jumping in too far at this point. My ex-gf is also going through a divorce so I'm not sure what role that
plays in things with her or the girl (although she will likely get 100% custody since the husband never adopted her). I'm not 100% sure that the girl is my
daughter, but I believe it is likely. My name is not on the birth cert, and the girl was told at 6 years old that she had a different father who was "not ready" to be a dad at that time. I'll reserve my comment on that statement in this forum.

I am now married with 2 kids and my wife is being very supportive but I know she is hurting (she has rightfully vented a couple of times), and we have seen clergy at our church about this.

I don't know what I want out of this, but if I have a daughter who needs me as some part of her life, I don't want to deny her. Most importantly, I don't want to jeopardize my wife and kids in any way...financially or otherwise and I am concerned about potential entrapment of some type by my former gf. Given the lies and deception that led to this point, I have very strong negative emotional feelings towars my ex-gf (lying to me, falsifying the birth cert, child endangerment for not getting my medical records for the child, moving away, and more), but I want to go forward in a way that will give the girl what she wants and needs to the best of my ability.

I would appreciate any counsel/guidance/advice on what I need to do to move forward without jeopardizing myself or my family. Focusing on the past will not help anyone, but I want to do what is best in the present and future.

Note: Posting in this in more than one forum because it covers more than one topic.

Well, my goodness. That's a lot to absorb.

One thing I can recommend is writing (not speaking) with the mother about why she told you she had miscarried. This is 'in case' she ever tries to terminate your rights due to abandonment or if she ever tries to file for back child support. Not saying she'd do that, but like you mention, she hasn't been honest through all of this.

Re; your daughter...do your best to establish a relationship with her. Possibly attend some therapy sessions together in her home state on a visit, if you want to slowly work up to visitation. If you doubt she is yours, take a paternity test. Remember it's not your daughter's fault that her mother has lived this deception her entire life. At 11 years old, I'd be honest in terms of not knowing she existed and that you did not choose to be absent in her life, and are willing to do all you can now to become involved and get to know her.

Re; your wife...she'll need a cooling off period, and it would probably help if you shared your correspondence and updates with her, so she feels involved. Trying to make her a part of the decision making process will help her feel less alienated in it all~ After all there are siblings involved in this now and your wife is a part of that/them.

Good Luck to you

 

[king sol]

I get the feeling that you know exactly what to do. And that is the right thing.

Give that pre-teen the love that every little girl desires of her daddy. Do not neglect legalities....get the DNA, but on the "down low"!

No little girl wants to here that Daddy wants a test to "prove" he has to show her love. The reality is....men (especially in this day and age) have to be responsible for there sexual activity. Admitting to themselves that a "romp between friends" can make a baby......and check-up on EVERY relationship that resulted in making a "donation of sperm" or "baby juice"!

We all agree, Mom and family were completely in the wrong way back when. "Don't cry over spilt milk" as they say.

My advice.......give your new wife a hug, love your "long lost" daughter as you would want to be loved, thank your ex-gal "mommy" for contacting you and if you MUST get the DNA, so you'll know for sure.

Congratulations, Daddy! Better late, then never! Cigar, please!

 

[Jenny0372]

Well, my goodness. That's a lot to absorb.

One thing I can recommend is writing (not speaking) with the mother about why she told you she had miscarried. This is 'in case' she ever tries to terminate your rights due to abandonment or if she ever tries to file for back child support. Not saying she'd do that, but like you mention, she hasn't been honest through all of this.

Re; your daughter...do your best to establish a relationship with her. Possibly attend some therapy sessions together in her home state on a visit, if you want to slowly work up to visitation. If you doubt she is yours, take a paternity test. Remember it's not your daughter's fault that her mother has lived this deception her entire life. At 11 years old, I'd be honest in terms of not knowing she existed and that you did not choose to be absent in her life, and are willing to do all you can now to become involved and get to know her.

Re; your wife...she'll need a cooling off period, and it would probably help if you shared your correspondence and updates with her, so she feels involved. Trying to make her a part of the decision making process will help her feel less alienated in it all~ After all there are siblings involved in this now and your wife is a part of that/them.

Good Luck to you

I don't think it could have been said any better than casa did in her response! I also think counseling for you and your wife and children would be a good thing. Good luck to you, and after all is worked out, this could turn out to be a real blessing to you and your family. My third child came along at a very bad time in my life. I never thought of doing anything but having him and raising him, but could not see at the time the tremendous blessing he would be to me and our family. He makes our family complete. He is the sunshine in our lives! Thank God even for the things that are not understanable and seem impossible at the time.

 

[Smarty Panties]

Not to throw in a monkey wrench but I've always been pessimistic...is it just me or does anyone else see a big red flag? She's contacting him NOW after 11 years and just so happens she's in the middle of a divorce...like what are her plans? Is she going to cut out the man who has always been Daddy and exchange him for the biological father?

not that it should change his mind or sway him about being in his child's life but I'd tread cautiously. You already know she's a liar and has no qualms about robbing a man of his child.

 

[nextwife]

Great point, Smarty Panties! I responded in a duplicate post about being dubious because she was either lying then, or lying now. She may very well be doing this to "punish" her STBX and try to cut him out of the life of this child. If STBX has always been Daddy, maybe our poster should NOT assist her in this effort at this time. Maybe he should see what the girl's daddy feels about this and not go charging into this child's life.

Personally, if a man has been daddy for 11 years he IS daddy.

 

[RSMBob]

I don't know anything about the guy that she is divorcing other than they were married in 1996 (when the girl was 2 years old), they were separated for 5 years and tried a reconciliation which apparently hasn't worked out, and that he never adopted the girl so I would think he has no legal basis as her father. I don't have any idea of what the soon to be ex-husband's role in the girl's life has been or currently is.

As far as the DNA test goes, I think it is a good idea but I have concerns that by doing it it could lock me into legal and financial issues. I don't think the ex-gf will like the request, but given the past and what she had told me 11+ years ago, I think it is certainly a reasonable one.

I have a feeling that in order to protect my own family (myself included) I will likely need legal counsel...and I would think that as mentioned here in casa's post I need to get some answers in writing regarding my ex-gf's intentions as well as answers for the past.

I don't want to hurt the girl in ANY way, and I want to do what I can to help her and be a part of her life if, but this has completely altered my life and my family's life on many levels, and that is difficult to comprehend and deal with.

 

[Reyna7]

Child Support Issue

I hate getting irritated so early in the morning, but I am.

What do you mean locked you into legal or financial issues, like maybe paying child support for this little girl if she is yours? I am sorry, but if she is yours you need to step up to the plate in ALL ways, not in just the ways that are convenient for you. Are you wanting your ex/gf to write you a letter saying that she will never ask you for child support so you can then start a relationship with your daughter? I am sorry this is so wrong. There are ways to do DNA that this little girl has no idea what they are doing. If she turns out to be your daughter, you need to not only have a relationship with her, but pay whatever child support that is ordered.

Granted your ex/gf was very wrong in not telling you at the time of birth, but your daughter should not suffer because of her mothers actions.

It just makes me so mad that you are willing to have a relationship as long as you don't have to pay. Look at it this way, you saved 11 years worth of CS.

 

[nextwife]

What do you mean locked you into legal or financial issues, like maybe paying child support for this little girl if she is yours? I am sorry, but if she is yours you need to step up to the plate in ALL ways, not in just the ways that are convenient for you. Are you wanting your ex/gf to write you a letter saying that she will never ask you for child support so you can then start a relationship with your daughter? I am sorry this is so wrong. There are ways to do DNA that this little girl has no idea what they are doing. If she turns out to be your daughter, you need to not only have a relationship with her, but pay whatever child support that is ordered.

Granted your ex/gf was very wrong in not telling you at the time of birth, but your daughter should not suffer because of her mothers actions.

It just makes me so mad that you are willing to have a relationship as long as you don't have to pay. Look at it this way, you saved 11 years worth of CS.

Sorry. Reyna, I disagree. Mom went through her life knowing she had a child. She got to have her child in her life for the first 11 years. She got to be an impact and influence.

Dad, on the other hand, was lied to, basically told his baby was DEAD, and deliberately locked out of getting to actually be a dad to his child. His kids that he raised, believing BECAUSE of mom, that he had no others, do NOT deserve to suffer because mom STOLE the child from dad. When mom's do this, their CS should be treated just like any later filing parent- the already born kids that are ESTABLISHED as being his should come first, just like kids born to a second wife after a divorce.

Because of mom's actions, he planned his financial life based upon NOT having any other childrten. I have ONLY one, as that is all I can afford. Nobody can sneak up on me and say "Oh, by the way, your daughter will need to come second, because 11 years ago I stole away your knowledge of the existance of another child I may now place her financially before the children you are actually Daddy to". Being Daddy is MORE than biology.

AS far as I am concerned, it's bullcrap that woman can play these games "I want you, I want you not" regarding their child's paternity. Woman should not have any legal right to come along years later because they liked another guy better, and THEN say "Surprise!".

 

[casa]

Sorry. Reyna, I disagree. Mom went through her life knowing she had a child. She got to have her child in her life for the first 11 years. She got to be an impact and influence.

Dad, on the other hand, was lied to, basically told his baby was DEAD, and deliberately locked out of getting to actually be a dad to his child. His kids that he raised, believing BECAUSE of mom, that he had no others, do NOT deserve to suffer because mom STOLE the child from dad. When mom's do this, their CS should be treated just like any later filing parent- the already born kids that are ESTABLISHED as being his should come first, just like kids born to a second wife after a divorce.

Because of mom's actions, he planned his financial life based upon NOT having any other childrten. I have ONLY one, as that is all I can afford. Nobody can sneak up on me and say "Oh, by the way, your daughter will need to come second, because 11 years ago I stole away your knowledge of the existance of another child I may now place her financially before the children you are actually Daddy to". Being Daddy is MORE than biology.

AS far as I am concerned, it's bullcrap that woman can play these games "I want you, I want you not" regarding their child's paternity. Woman should not have any legal right to come along years later because they liked another guy better, and THEN say "Surprise!".

Exactly!

The letter issue was to address the mother LYING to him about the baby being miscarried~ This is in the event she tries to say he 'knew' and just abandoned the child or tried to avoid child support. It may help protect him in terms of losing his rights as bio. father &/or being responsible for child support during years he never knew she existed. (Some states allow for back child support for previous years). The letter reference was NOT to avoid child support- but to protect his home and financial security of the children he knowingly had and raised. It does not mean he will not be responsible for the child he didn't know about- once paternity is established- it means that if he is proven to be the father and pays support, it will be calculated after the income he already uses supporting the family he already has.

I agree with the notion that the bio mom may be using this is a tool to prevent her husband she is divorcing from being in the child's life~ However, it makes no difference in terms of what the OP should do in this situation re; his child. As bio. father he has rights to get to know this child- and unfortunately the s/t/b/x husband did not adopt the child in all those years, so he did not secure any rights to the child.

 

[RSMBob]

Hi all,

I appreciate the responses and discussion so far...well, most of it anyways.
Just to clarify, I am now 43, married 8+ years and my kids are 5 1/2 and 15 months, so when this happened 12 years ago, I was not an irresponsible young kid by any stretch. I had a great job, owned my own home and more. I had tried to be fully supportive to the ex-gf in all ways, including emotionally and financially, but I was 100% shut out. Had I known the true situation back then, things would be VERY different..legally, financially, etc.

I am now on somewhat more tedious financial ground than I was years ago...in fact I am a stay-at-home dad right now (pay sucks but frige benefits are awesome), so, yes, finances are a concern, especially if 11 years of back support is involved. I want to be involved and get my family involved to the best extent we can, but I also don't want to wreck my family financially (the emotional part is a whole other story) or more importantly, cause havoc in this girl's life if she has a good life with her mom 1000 miles away.

 

[nextwife]

If she never collected welfare or filed for CS, you would not be now responsible for back support.

Also, paternity must be established. You don't really know which time she was lying to you. And she'd evidentally been lying to her daughter- if daughter had believed this other man to be dad, or you to have abandoned them, or anything other than what happened.

How long have you been a SAHD? If for several years, then they may need to now base CS on a minimum wage figure, just like they often do for SAHMs. They don't normally force the SAHP of a toddler back to work, instead they sometimes apply a minimum wage CS to them if they have been several years out of the workforce..

 

[LdiJ]

Hi all,

I appreciate the responses and discussion so far...well, most of it anyways.
Just to clarify, I am now 43, married 8+ years and my kids are 5 1/2 and 15 months, so when this happened 12 years ago, I was not an irresponsible young kid by any stretch. I had a great job, owned my own home and more. I had tried to be fully supportive to the ex-gf in all ways, including emotionally and financially, but I was 100% shut out. Had I known the true situation back then, things would be VERY different..legally, financially, etc.

I am now on somewhat more tedious financial ground than I was years ago...in fact I am a stay-at-home dad right now (pay sucks but frige benefits are awesome), so, yes, finances are a concern, especially if 11 years of back support is involved. I want to be involved and get my family involved to the best extent we can, but I also don't want to wreck my family financially (the emotional part is a whole other story) or more importantly, cause havoc in this girl's life if she has a good life with her mom 1000 miles away.

I am impressed by your concern for the child and the havoc that it might cause for her, as well as by your concern for your existing family.

However despite all the "gloom and doom" that can happen in these cases it doesn't sound to me as if "mom" is necessarily pushing things to that level. Yes, its possible that mom is trying to push the child away from the man who has been "dad" all of these years due to divorce....but its also possible that the marriage wasn't good...and/or dad wasn't "dad"....etc....or even that "dad" knows he isn't the bio-dad and is fighting against being held legally responsible and that could be hurting the child...and that could even be the reason why mom is letting the child know that there is another dad out there.

The bottom line is that if you are the father...one way or another its going to eventually be proven...and then you can deal with the situation. Just deal with it calmly and rationally...and put the child's emotional needs first whenever possible.

 

[Reyna7]

Opps My Mistake

I agree it is bull crap and I DO NOT think he should have to pay a cent for the last 11 years, but I sure as heck would not start a relationship with this young girl until DNA is done, and if she is his daughter I still think he should pay now. We have no guarantees in life and all plan on what we hope happens, it is not always the case, thus the saying "s**t happens".

I would not trust his ex about anything, it takes a pretty sick person to keep a dad from his child and a child from knowing her dad. I know I could never be that cold and heartless. I misread about the letter, my mistake. I thought he wanted it so he would not have to pay. So I apologize!!!!

I do appreciate how this man, who obviously is a caring dad is concerned for this little girl and her feelings. I hope this has a good ending and this little girl has not been lied to by her mom. It can be so hard on kids when their parents get a divorce, but then to have the emotion of maybe meeting her real dad, to him not being her dad...well that would just be horrible.