Abandonment Charges

[tabby545]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Ohio

I write on behalf of my sister and neice. My neice is 14 yrs old and things have progressed over the last three years.

My neice:
-has had counseling and a psychiatric evaluation
-diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder
-had several father figures leave her(bio father not known)
-hits her mother, sister 11, and brother 3
-threatens to kill mother and sister
-threatens to kill herself
-has masterbated while on phone with bedroom door open-siblings at home
-has chased sister and mother on several occassions with knife threatening to kill them
-has stole mothers car 3 times-twice hitting parked cars and causing damage
-runs away to boyfriends (different each time)- ends up at drug dealers home being passed around for sexual gratification by men and boys
-has contracted herpes and crabs
-is very manipulative-puts on good show for social workers, counselors, judges, etc
-has been in juvenille detention several times-longest stay 14 days-usually only hold her til mom can pick her up
-had 90 days on the shelf-then violated her probatiuon and the court held her til mom would come get her-did not give her any time in juvey

My sister:
-has done everything courts have asked her to do from counseling to parenting classes
-is full-time college student-bachelors degree in business in May '05
-only income is child support for other two kids
-loves her daughter-has tried all suggested approaches
-has had courts dismiss a domestic violence charge against daughter
-court wouldn't file charges when daughter stole her car three times
-is so emotionally distraught affecting her health-migraines, IBS

This past week sister went to court cause daughter ran away again-my sister refused to take her home. The family feels it's just a matter of time before she seriously injurs or kills someone. The court refuses to give daughter the time in juvenille we feel she should serve. How can the court expect my sister to keep this child under control? Nothing thus far has worked-it only gets worse. Why should my sister continue to put herself and her other children at risk? At some point it becomes truely detrimental to the other children in the home.And she has time on the shelf that they won't give her.

Heck, even the child has said " mom I don't know why they keep letting me out".

The judge was shocked when my sister refused to take her home. Then tried to deter her with the threat of having to pay child support. My sister said ok. Now they said they would pursue abandonment charges against my sister. Can they really do that? Can my sister go to jail? Should she retain a lawyer? Why won't the court give the daughter the sentence of the 90 days they suspended before? There is something wrong with this picture.

Mom feels if court would step up and keep her in juvenille detention it might be enough to show daughter no one is playing here. She has been through hell with this child and doesn't know what else she can do.

Thanks to anyone who can answer my questions or at least provide some direction.

 

[stealth2]

Wow. I guess it's lucky that the board crashed before my earlier response posted. Does your sister really not have a clue why her daughter is having all of these problems? 'Cause the red flags are all over your post.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Wow. I guess it's lucky that the board crashed before my earlier response posted. Does your sister really not have a clue why her daughter is having all of these problems? 'Cause the red flags are all over your post.

You mean like "Where is the trailer in this story?" or "Are these 'father figures' taking a number when they meet your sister?

geeez it's a wonder this kid isn't dead somewhere with the lovely example she's been given. This child was abandonned years ago.

 

[tabby545]

Thanks

Ohio

No sir my sister does not wonder "why" she acts out-we have a pretty good idea. They have attended counseling for nearley three years. They been through a lot no doubt. But to restate my question-why would a judge give a child sooo many chances. My neice admits that she WILL do as she pleases. What happens if she steals another car and kills herself, or ends up in an alley somewhere? My neice thinks it's all a joke-as long as she sees the boys she wants to see. What if my daughter had not physically man-handled her out of a crack house and turned her over to police?

Why isn't the system working? When is enough enough? My sisters other two children deserve the right to a safe home.....how is that abandonment?

 

[tabby545]

And I am sorry I did not see the second post prior to my post. There is no reason to assume you know anything about us. No one is perfect here. My neice has had what she considered a dad three times, one as a baby loved her to no end-but sister found him cheating--he then would come see his child but refuse to see my neice and told her he wasn't her dad any more and was very mean to her after the breakup. The second father figure was what we all believed to be her natural father--he stepped up to the plate for a short time-being a military man, promised my neice he would always be there for her. Two years later he stopped all contact filed for a paternity test and the results showed he was not the father. He boot scooted. The last father figure is who she calls her dad now. Again found cheating with two other women. Another broken relationship. This is the one she accused of molestation-after she did that their relationship stuttered and fell off. So, whatever you think you know you should not be so condescending. I was serious when I ask if the child knows she should be punished and that she will do as she pleases -WHY don't they just give her a wake up call? Should I sell my house and send her to a wilderness program? What else can WE be expected to do for this child who refuses all assistance?

 

[Wolflmg]

She seems like a very angry kid, angry at the world and everyone around her. The best thing to do, would be to get her away from everything, send her off to one of those wilderness programs for trouble teens. I've heard they can really do a kid great. It will help her get a new fresh start and for her to really start to deal with her problems.

She probably feels abandon by all three father figures that she had. They said they would always be there for her and now their not. She probably blames her mother for them being gone, and then takes it out on her younger siblings and mother.
And in ways yes her mother is to blame for that, doesn't even know who her father is. And it sounds like the other two kids have different dad's as well. Not saying that's wrong or anything. I know a family that is like that two kids same mom, different dads.


In a way perhaps she even blames herself and when enough is enough, when she feels she can't take anymore she threatens to end her life.
More then liking the reaons for the drugs and having sex with the boys, is a way of exscape, perhaps during those moments is the only time she may feel okay, even though she really not.

Everyone is at fault here. Kids just don't one day change into complete monsters. Things happen to them, situations, way their brought up, everything from day one to this point is what provoct the way she is now.


Here's some websites that might help you.
http://www.child.net/teenhelp.htm
http://www.extension.umn.edu/distribution/youthdevelopment/DA2787.html
http://helpingteens.net/traps.asp
http://www.struggling-teens.com/wilderness-programs.html

Good luck.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

And in ways yes her mother is to blame for that, doesn't even know who her father is. And it sounds like the other two kids have different dad's as well. Not saying that's wrong or anything. I know a family that is like that two kids same mom, different dads.

FINALLY! And it's not "IN A WAY". The moment mommy takes down the revolving door to her bedroom is the moment she becomes a mother. And THEN maybe the child will have a chance to be a child

 

[stealth2]

So it's all the fault of the different "daddies", eh? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT wrong answer. Perhaps if Mom spent more time parenting her child(ren) and less looking for a may-un, this child would not be so messed up and the other two wouldn't run the risk of turning out the same way. She created this mess, and no - the court will not allow her to walk away from that. No, YOU should not sell your house to send the kid to wilderness camp - MOM should do something to pay for it.

 

[tabby545]

Sir, your opinion means nothing to me. I knew early on, maybe when she was 3 yrs old and daddy 1 left and said all those mean and hurtful things to her that it would scar her. She craved love and affection from a father. And a wandering man is not what we do. We did not force him to screw around, get caught, and decide he liked his younger model better! Wake up! But I believe and so do her counselors that that was the beginning. The rest just adds to how deep her need for acceptance from a man goes.

I really do not care if you blame me or my sister or my mother at this point! My neice is not getting the kind of help she needs. We cannot change what is in the past, only try to make today better. Putting her back in her home she will do the same thing. She told me on a recent visit that if her mom would just let her go see her boyfriend she wouldn't run away. At a known drug dealers? Not.

Some of you have missed the point completely! You are looking where to put the blame, this whole family accepts the blame. We knew 3 yrs ago that it went deeper than we thought and wished we had started counseling a lot earlier.The janitor at her school lost his 12 yr job for touching her on her shoulder-because she said he did it in a sexual way. The other girl he put his hand on her shoulder too did not feel the uncomfortable feeling my neice did. Daddy 3, my neice still refers to as dad-almost had his life ruined-all because she was mad at mom. He loves her and listens whenever she calls, but will not allow to her live with him for fear of more accusations. Same with my husband-or I'd take her in myself.

My neice needs more than a few days in juvenille detention. I accept your comments and put up with your opinion, and you elude to an answer that yes the state can file abandonment charges, but other than to find fault you have nothing to offer.

As a parent of five, if one of my girls did not want to follow my rules for living in my home and continuously put my other children in danger-she would not be in my home. And yes I would sell my house to help one of my own if that's what it takes, and she is a part of my family. She is that important to me. Yeah, yeah, yeah...sister should pay for it...but I'm sure when she is done with college and working again she would pay me back. We are a very strong and close knit family. We help each other out like that.

Suppose my daughter were stronger than me and tried to stab me with a knife, chasing me until I locked myself in my room and wait for police? Suppose she throws the knife at me and it gashes me open. Am I expected to let her come home...even though she apologizes and says she really didn't mean it she was just mad because I wouldn't let her go to a dance?

Am I more obligated to give her a home or protect my other children?

Thanks for the post with the helpful links.

 

[tabby545]

Update

Cincinnati Ohio
Just wanted to update. My sister gave custody to the state and my neice was placed in a foster home. A Christian family took her in. Then the day before yesterday my neice stole $1500 from the foster mom and ran away. She shopped and had a good time all right. She contacted my daughters and wanted to chill with them for the day. My daughters went to pick her up yesterday and brought her here where the local police picked her up. Now she has felony theft charges and is in deeper than ever. I only wish the county would have not given her sooo many chances. Now she has committed a felony and things are worse. It really upsets me because we begged the county to give her the time they suspended, then let her get in more trouble and just kept wanting to send her back home. Well, I wonder how the county feels now that she has felony charges in another county. She could not have committed the felony had they put her in juvenille detention when they were supposed to! Way to go Clermont county!

 

[MinCA]

Hmm, the courts put the smack-down on you if you don't pay a parking ticket, but don't take action with teens when things just get started and parents ask for help, then society wonders why teens are so awful. The system waits until there's problem to fix than to prevent it.

My heart goes out to the girl more than to the mother.

Whatever happens to her now, juvie or bootcamp, which would benefit her greatly, she needs to know that het family is behind her and loves her, no matter what.

 

[tabby545]

Yep!

Yes, you are very right. And I may get defensive when ALL the blame is placed on my sister as the courts did and a few in these posts. My family loves her and has tried to help her. I guess some kids have to learn the hard way.

Right after she was arrested she text my daughters from the police cruiser that she hated them. My daughters both responded that they loved her.

I don't know how much time she'll do, but we will write and visit as much as possible. And we will be here waiting for her with open arms when she gets out. At least now I don't have to worry about her on the streets. And I hope she can get some counseling and maybe turn herself around.

Thanks to everyone for your input. I greatly appreciate it!!!

 

[5xMomVA]

Uhmmm Tabby, even with the Felony, I highly doubt that she will do any time. I know what your family is going through and they will continue to harrass the legal parents over the matter and do nothing to the child. I was a foster parent for nearly 15 years, saw alot of kids come and go, but always said I was committed to them as long as they needed me and ended up adopting 4 of them. I have to interject here, that I did not foster or adopt for money as a few here in the past have implied, as I'm a CPA and my DH is a high producing Realtor, it was for moral reasons and to try and help society. Well, we ended up with one, just like your niece, he's a 3 time convicted felon, knows the courts won't do anything to him until he turns 18 and could care less about our rules and values. To make matters worse, we were promised all kinds of services for the kids if they ever needed them, and then this one kid who was highly abused, never lived in one home more than a year until after his 6th birthday when we took him in and ultimately adopted him, had attachement disorder, oppositional defiance disorder, adhd, and borderline personality disorder started acting out, Social Services wanted to blame it all on us. It's a follow the dollar deal, it depends on where they have money to spend on the kids who they blame. Since there was no money in the adoption aftercare budget, they tried to consider us the culprit so they could work their little family plan on us and spend more money in that area and keep themselves employed, while threatening that they could take away the rest of our children who are doing wonderfully including our birth children. I call bull on the whole thing, he goes to court on the 19th of April for another felony, who knows what game they will play this time, but I can assure you he will not do any time in juvi. My only saving grace is he will be 18 in 155 days. The juvenile system stinks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

[BelizeBreeze]

Cincinnati Ohio
Just wanted to update. My sister gave custody to the state and my neice was placed in a foster home. A Christian family took her in. Then the day before yesterday my neice stole $1500 from the foster mom and ran away. She shopped and had a good time all right. She contacted my daughters and wanted to chill with them for the day. My daughters went to pick her up yesterday and brought her here where the local police picked her up. Now she has felony theft charges and is in deeper than ever. I only wish the county would have not given her sooo many chances. Now she has committed a felony and things are worse. It really upsets me because we begged the county to give her the time they suspended, then let her get in more trouble and just kept wanting to send her back home. Well, I wonder how the county feels now that she has felony charges in another county. She could not have committed the felony had they put her in juvenille detention when they were supposed to! Way to go Clermont county!

And has it EVER occurred to you to stop blaming everyone else and place the blame squarely on where it belongs, on the kid?

And don't you think it's time to have a 'come to jesus' with YOUR children. They need to tell this girl that until she cleans up her act they will have no further contact with her. As should you.

No, it's not easy. But neither is continuing to find excuses for her actions, something that you are continuing to do.