accusations

[lquid_user]

minnesota.
I am in a custody dispute, we were never married.The accusations have flown long and hard. I'm wondering if judges just expect each party to bad mouth one another, or do they look closely at each thing that is brought up?
I can actually disprove most of the negative things the ex has said about me and the rest are pretty much unproveable.

I'm wondering if it is important to disprove these things or not. Many accusations hurt me personally, so I want to address them all, but it is very expensive to pick every little thing apart.

Fortunately I have stuck to not only the truth in my statements but primarily with the proveable truth(witnesses, documented things, etc).

Also, after having been called a liar repeatedly, I have begun tape recording our telephone conversations. I was wondering if it would be looked at negatively if I were to ask specific leading questions in order to catch her in contradictions? or if I should just allow the conversations to develop naturally.
If she sticks to the facts then she wouldn't contradict herself.

thanks for any insight

lquid

 

[seniorjudge]

Q: I'm wondering if judges just expect each party to bad mouth one another, or do they look closely at each thing that is brought up?

A: Yes and yes.

 

[lquid_user]

good, and good.

I suppose that is as it should be.

thanks

 

[staceydee]

Good, But not always the case!

We can certainly sympathize with your situation- my husband was in a custody battle from 1996-2003 under the same circumstances (ie. never married, etc...)
During those years he had all the same types of things done to and said about him, and worse!!! We also started taping the telephone conversations and, although he each time informed the X that he was doing it, the judge would not allow the taped conversations into evidence.
What we have found over the years is that judges do expect that the parties will bad mouth each other, but not that they will necessarily take everything that is brought up into account.
It is very necessary for you to keep very accurate records of names, times, dates & places of everything you do or say involved with the case. It is also imperative that you document any and all contact, (whether it be in person, telephonically, etc..) you have with your X and with the child/ren involved.
Although it is very tempting, don't sling mud, just present fact and do it as calmly and maturely as possible. The calmer you are, the more likely you are to attain the judges full attention to what you are presenting!

 

[lquid_user]

yeah thanks

I guess I am doing things right it is just difficult to simply wait and wait.Thanks all.

 

[lizbeth17]

documenting.....

I don't fully understand how something that is documented is any different than just saying it happened. One could document something completely untrue too...

 

[stealth2]

Okay, suppose NCP went to pick the kids up at a local McD's, and the CP didn't show. The CP claims that the NCP didn't show, and they waited 30 minutes. Who's the judge to believe? But then suppose that, when the NCP got there, s/he purchased some fries and a soda. Waited for 45 minutes, and before leaving purchased a cup of coffee. And s/e has receipts for both purchases - showing the date and time of purchase as well as location. Now the judge has some actual documentation to show that the NCP's story is likely the accurate one.

Now suppose NCP claims that CP refuses phone contact with the children. Always lets it go to the answering machine, calls are never returned. But, NCP has no phone records showing calls made and completed (and the length of the calls). On the other hand, CP produces his/her own phone records detailing calls made to the NCP's number as well as the duration of the calls. In addition, s/he produces emails that were sent to NCP to alert him/her that the children attempted to call and got no answer, or confirming that the children had called at a certain time and sopken with NCP. That all backs up the CP's assertion that there has been no denial of contact, while shooting NCP's story down.

 

[lizbeth17]

gotcha

Oh okay, so it's actually proof of some kind..instead of just writing down "on this day at so and so time...she did this and that..."

 

[stealth2]

That can be useful as well, but generally is not as likely to be accepted as "evidence". Where it helps is in helping you remember what happened, how and when should you need to testify to any of it.

 

[CJane]

Oh okay, so it's actually proof of some kind..instead of just writing down "on this day at so and so time...she did this and that..."

It's also possible to document conversations that take place on the phone, etc. For instance, when I speak to my ex on the phone about anything important at all, I always follow up with an email to him, rehashing what was said/decided and at the end of it include a request that if he remembers the conversation any differently, to please let me know.

Most often, he does not reply at all, thereby (imo) agreeing with the accuracy of my interpretation of the conversation. I send all emails to him with a read receipt attached.

 

[seniorjudge]

I keep copious notes of conversations.

One day, a person called me and said, "I told you X."

I told that person, "My file says that on January 19, 2005, you told me A. What does your file show?"

Dead silence.

End of conversation.

 

[stealth2]

Yep, I do the follow up email, although we rarely talk on the phone. I have copies (and copies of copies LOL) of all email sent. Really important stuff is send CRR with both a hard copy and online copy retained by me. Not so much now, but when we were in the middle of the divorce issues, I kept detailed notes of everything as well. Any interaction with the stbx, anything to do with the kids (yes, down to what we had for each meal - we were going through an extensive custody evaluation), interactions with my lawyer, the law guardian, etc. Good, bad, indifferent. One thing, however - keep it as business-like as possible. Don't go into "He said X and it made me cry and I cried and cried for hours because my feelings were hurt and he just laughed at me!" No one cares.

 

[CJane]

Don't go into "He said X and it made me cry and I cried and cried for hours because my feelings were hurt and he just laughed at me!" No one cares.

LMAO That'd eliminate like half the posts here, you realize that don't you?

 

[lquid_user]

the devil IS in the details

I feel alot better now. I thought I was the only nut keeping every reciept, and phone records.
I'm also sure to note any other people who may be able to corroborate. I've been surprised several times about what actually became a problem and what didn't.


c-jane,Sending the confirmation e-mails sounds like a good idea. After all, if the ex and I could communicate well, we probably wouldn't be doing this at all.

And yes stealth it's hard to just stick to the facts, but I try.

Thanks all,

lquid

 

[CJane]

c-jane,Sending the confirmation e-mails sounds like a good idea. After all, if the ex and I could communicate well, we probably wouldn't be doing this at all.

Heh. It's totally NOT a sign that we communicate well. He's rather good at 'spinning' everything to try to make me look completely irrational, or like I'm making things up. So, I stopped thinking that our brains worked the same and that we interpreted interactions the same. I figure it's best to give him the opportunity to argue my viewpoint with me in writing. He almost always ends up looking like the dumbass and has NEVER gotten anything in writing that makes me look less than rational.