advice?

[luckymom]

I live in Illiois, but Texas has jurisdiction.

I've been divorced 7 years and have had custody of my 9 year-old daughter since the divorce. Ex sees her once a month and during the holidays. Things are very contentious and we have been back in court many times, most recently last December when ex sued for custody. Since he lost, things have become even worse.

This is my immediate problem. I was contacted last Monday by the school counselor. My daughter had spent the weekend at her dad's. On Monday apparently started to cry in class and was so upset that the counselor was called in. She talked to my daughter for more than hour during which my daughter told her about problems with her dad. As I understand it, he is pressuring her to say she wants to live with him, telling her demeaning things about me, etc. The counselor told me that my daughter says if she tells me about these things, I get mad (true!) and speak to her dad, who then gives her a hard time when she sees him. The counselor told me that my daughter was adament that she did not want her dad to be contacted, because "it would make things worse."

After talking with the counselor, I decided my daughter might benefit from therapy. The problem is that my daughter insists that her dad not be told. I've looked carefully at the order and I don't think I need her permission, but I am worried about two things. 1) Could not informing her dad about the therapy be interpreted badly if we go back to court again about custody or someother issue? 2) If I don't tell him for the meantime, until my daughter feels more secure, could it pose some problem in terms of collecting his share of the uncovered medical costs? Could he use the fact that I didn't consult him as a reason not to pay?

Thanks!

 

[Whyte Noise]

Personally, I wouldn't worry about collecting "his share" of the unpaid medical.

Your child is basically SCREAMING for help. She feels stuck in the middle between you 2. Dad's telling her these "bad things" and trying to pressure her to do something she doesn't want to do. She comes to you with it, you get "mad" (and whether or not you're mad at her, she SEES it that way), and you tell dad, then dad gets more mad and says more to her. This child feels she has nowhere to go to feel "safe". She's catching it from both ends, she feels. That's why she broke down in class. The counselor was a third party she could talk to without fear of making a parent mad, or having one pressure her.

That said...

You say you have had physical custody. What about LEGAL custody? There's a difference.

Physical custody is who the child lives with. There are 2 types: Joint and Sole.

Legal custody is who has the right to make decisions concerning the child. Again, there are 2 types: Joint and Sole.

If you have joint LEGAL custody then you need to inform the father. Joint legal means that BOTH parents are involved in major decisions concerning the child, such as medical.

I know I did a bit of preaching to start with and I'm sorry about that, but your daughter needs some help, immediately. She's crying out to you, and personally I wouldn't worry about the other parent's share of the cost. I'd get my child the help she needs, and the cost split be damned.

Check your decree for precise wording about legal custody, and please type EXACTLY what your order says, word for word, verbatim. Someone will be able to answer you more definately then. Right now, we don't know what the status of legal custody is.

 

[BL]

As I understand it, he is pressuring her to say she wants to live with him, telling her demeaning things about me, etc. The counselor told me that my daughter says if she tells me about these things, I get mad (true!) and speak to her dad, who then gives her a hard time when she sees him. The counselor told me that my daughter was adament that she did not want her dad to be contacted, because "it would make things worse." [ quote ]

First off , you are both ignoring your 9 year old daughter's mental health needs.

You by telling this child to talk to her dad. You are neglecting her needs. This is an Adult issue.

The other Parent by talking derogatorily about you to the child, trying to manipulate her, and getting angry.

You all need to stop this non sense. The Orders can be modified to include not to talk derogatorily to or in front of the child about one an other, Etc. Not to put the child in the middle.

Also not just the child, but all you might benefit from counseling.

Sorry, this in on both of you Adult Parents. Don't leave it up to this child to decide what to do. Get her into counseling NOW.

Also have the Orders modified as I stated above.

 

[aparent2]

I went through a situation very similar to this. My daughter was despondent- though she didn't think I was 'mad' at her, she just quit telling me- because I would talk to her father and things would seem to improve, but really he would get upset with her the next time she saw him. I tried at first to be reasonable until my daughter came home to tell me her Dad yelled at her and her stepmother told her "Go tell your Mommy"

I put her in counseling. The counselor had several sessions with my daughter and then included her Dad in the few he was willing to go to. What happened is a nuetral and trusted professional was there to tell Dad to knock it off in front of our daughter. When the therapist told my duaghter to let her know if it continued to happen- it was a major signal to her Dad to stop it. Incidentally all the issues she was having at her Dads house came to light and a contract was worked out between them for what can and cannot happen while visiting.

Not only did this help my daughter feel safer and more secure, but she learned she could stand up for herself with the support of others. She was less afraid of Dad because she saw he had to be accountable to others. Also this gave documentation of the things Dad was doing. (he also played visitation games and bad mouthed me etcetera) What ended up happening is my daughter got help, and now there is documentation about Dad not having her best interests at heart. The best thing though, is he's now on his best behavior (for the most part )

I went into debt over co-payments, I'm still paying them off. She was in therapy over 6 months. It was all worth it.

And, the best part was when stepmom got asked <politely> to butt out which unexpectedly had the result that Dad and I were back to communicating better about our daughter.

Good Luck to you and get your daughter into see someone ASAP!

 

[luckymom]

Thanks to those who answered. One clarification to BL--I don't understand your remark that I "tell her to speak to her dad." I don't. I speak to him. However, he responds by giving her a hard time. However, you are right (mea culpa) that I too (unwittingly, however) have responded in ways that make things more difficult for my daughter.

We are seeing a counselor tomorrow, so I am not debating the necessity of this. The immediate legal issue regards whether to clue her dad in on this. Texas as peculiar language--we are "joint managing conservators." According to the decree, I have to "inform and consult" but ultimately the decision rests with me. My concern then is two-fold, 1) whether I should respect my daughter's strong desire not to speak to her dad (the school counselor felt that this was important) 2) whether given the "inform and consult" requirement, I would be in contempt for going ahead with therapy (my ex loves to file contempt charges. once he did because I sent him the URL for the school web page telling him the school calender was there instead of printing out the page and sending it by snail mail.) As for medical bills, my ex now owes my close to $2000 in unpaid out of pocket expenses. He wouldn't pay for her glasses, arguing that she doesn't really need them. My point is that it is not the case that I will not take my daughter for therapy unless he foots part of the bill. Still, I think he should at some point pay up.

 

[Vickie&Jessica]

a little advice

NV
I have been going thru something very similar, with a step-child for which I have custody. Sole legal and physical. If you have sole legal custody and sole physical, then it makes things alot eaisier. You can pretty much do what you think is best without consulting the father. If you have joint legal custody the you need to consult the father toherwise it could turn things into a sticky situation if you have to go to court over it, or if he decides to be a jerk as alot of men in this situation ussually do. The best thing to do might be to inform him of the therapy, but let your daughter know in advance, so that if he confronts her on the issue, she wont be so supprised. Also, try to get him to go to a few therapy sessions with her if she feels comfortabe. She might be more apt to talk to him about the way she feels if there is someone there to let him know he has gone to far with what he says. The other thing you migt do, is if you feel that the therapy won't work, try to get visitation suppervised for a while so that he will curb the mudd slinging.