am I asking for too much?

[opus05]

What is the name of your state? AZ

Okay...here is my situation, but, I warn you, it may sound confusing! I also ask that only those with helpful, not hurtful advice reply. I've been reading some of the replys to peoples questions and am appaled at the complete lack of compasion that some viewers express to those who simply seek advice.

My husband moved out a few days ago, things became too violent between us and it was being witnessed by our two children. We've been married for 11 years and he has been in the service for 14. Because he is military, I am not allowed to stay in housing. So, our options are....
1. we both move off base and have our children move again (the fourth time in three years...and then again when we move to NY next year) and have them go to a different school.
2. He moves back here and lives with the kids while I move off-post, this way the kids get to stay where they are.
3. I take the kids now and move to NY...even though we can't afford to right now, and it would mean transfering them to another school mid-way through the season.

We are going with option 3....but, here is my issue. It was our choice for me to stay home with the kids until they started school, and to make sure that I was home when they returned from school at the end of the day. So, needless to say, I've had no job for the past nine years...thus, no savings of my own. In order for him to remain in housing, he get's the kids so no cs will be owed to me. And actually, we won't be starting any type of paper work until May just because it would be better for our situation at the moment not to. (as long as we are not living together, I'm happy)
So, what I'm wondering is this....am I wrong to want him to pay me a certain amount of money a month to live on (like under 500.00) until I can get my feet on the ground? I'm looking for the cheapest apartment I can find and I'm busting my butt trying to find a job, but I don't know how long it's going to take before I can financially take care of myself. And it scares the hell out of me knowing I may not be able to legally ask him for anything.

 

[IrishLady47]

Because he is military, I am not allowed to stay in housing.

Not always true if there is domestic violence.

So, our options are....
1. we both move off base and have our children move again (the fourth time in three years...and then again when we move to NY next year) and have them go to a different school.
2. He moves back here and lives with the kids while I move off-post, this way the kids get to stay where they are.
3. I take the kids now and move to NY...even though we can't afford to right now, and it would mean transfering them to another school mid-way through the season.

We are going with option 3....but, here is my issue.

In order for him to remain in housing, he get's the kids so no cs will be owed to me. And actually, we won't be starting any type of paper work until May just because it would be better for our situation at the moment not to.


You say you're going w/option 3, meaning you take the kids with you, but say he gets the kids to remain in housing so no cs. That is confusing! What does one necessarily have to do w/the other. I understand you wish to do no formal paperwork. So, it seems you will really have the children physically, but he will say he has dependents w/him to keep housing. Correct? How does this prevent him from paying you child support & spousal support, enough to set you & the kids up in a place to live, etc, until you get a job. If he has to move from family quarters because he is a geographical bachelor, you would get his w/dependents housing allowance at a minimum anyway until a court order is in place. Until a court order, the military will consider it his obligation to support his family, period. So, what should be considered in reality, it is cheaper for him to stay in government family housing & sent you enough to house you & the kids in NY OR draw the housing allowance & send it to you & live off-base by himself.

What is finally decided in family court will greatly depend on the laws of the state in which divorce is filed and all pertinent circumstances. But, for right now, the military considers it HIS responsibility to support his dependents. You just need to contact his commander if he does not do so.

 

[opus05]

sorry.. I meant number two..my brain was thinking faster than my fingers were typing

 

[IrishLady47]

You will lose your kids!

If you voluntarily leave your children with your husband, you're setting yourself up to NEVER have primary physical custody of your children again in the event of a divorce. Don't believe me, just read through the posts in which this same scenario has gone down. Wife leaves due to violence, leaves kids because she has no job, no money. Divorce--husband is awarded primary physical custody, no surprise, he's been taking care of them.

As stated in my earlier reply, the military considers it your husband's obligation to support his dependents. If there is no legal paperwork, that includes you, too. However, I wonder how long after your departure will it take your husband to file for at least temporary custody & child support FROM you.

I suggest you come up w/some other options. There is plenty of help available right on base for domestic violence. Go get it!!

 

[opus05]

I decided this morning that I need to get a back bone!! I AM going to take the kids with me to live off-post and just drive them to and from school...he's just going to have to move out of housing too. I was trying to be nice and let him have what he wanted, but then when he told me he's giving me NOTHING (this is because he's pissed I won't go back to him, that I actually WANT a divorce after many years of abuse), I came to the conclusion that being nice will get me nowhere. So, I'm telling him today to start the paperwork for a legal separation and I'm making my own appointment tomoorw to see a lawyer...just to see what my options are.
I may have to apply for some sort of government assistance, which kills me but may be necessary....any ideas on how I go about doing that and what is involved?
Also, because I've had no job and everything is in his name...how hard will it be for me to even get my own apartment without credit...or, even worse, his bad credit? This is all so stressful and overwhelming. People keep telling me it will get better, but so far, it seems to be getting worse.

 

[opus05]

There is plenty of help available right on base for domestic violence. Go get it!![/QUOTE]



Here is why I'm worried about seeking help...if the army finds out about the abuse, won't that hurt his career? And if he loses his job, I lose cs. I just want out of the marriage, I don't want to screw him in the process. Well, okay, a little bit of me does....but I'm trying really hard not to.

 

[IrishLady47]

Here is why I'm worried about seeking help...if the army finds out about the abuse, won't that hurt his career? And if he loses his job, I lose cs. I just want out of the marriage, I don't want to screw him in the process. Well, okay, a little bit of me does....but I'm trying really hard not to.

If he were to VOLUNTARILY seek help (anger management, etc) it will not damage his career like a call to the MPs will when he punches you. Apparently, he knows you won't report him & has no incentive to seek help. You're right, you need to grow a backbone. And, don't count on the violence ending just because you are living apart, that is often when it escalates.

Seek a lawyer who is thoroughly familiar with military programs and benefits. In the meantime, he will be required to support his family--or he will be in as much trouble as he would be for abusing you.

 

[JorgaBell]

I am divorced from military member. It has been several years, so I don't know if anything has changed.

When I got my seperation before the divorce I went to the Legal Office on base. My ex was Navy but I had to go to the Army Base Legal office. It was pretty much who got there first they (the legal office) would talk to. I got there first so they would not talk to ex.

They cannot go to court or anything like that, but they did help me get my seperation papers and those were the same papers that ended up being my divorce papers. If nothing else they can steer you in the right direction about help you can get on base. He cannot just throw you out and not give you any money. Military frowns upon that sort of thing.

I know you don't want to get him into any troube with his command but rest assured that you are not the only spouse with children to get a divorce. The only time he would get into trouble is if he is not doing what he is supposed to do. But legal will tell you all that.

Also, if you are living in a military area, there are lawyers who can help you with the separation/divorce/child support. Usually the base legal office has a listing of lawyers who can help.


Because we were married for 17 years I was entitled to some of his retirement when he retired. Not half like some people think but 1/3, which is fine with me because I will get COLA when he does and raises when he does.

There are some instances where spouses can keep their id cards, but not usually. Your kids will be able to keep theirs because they will be covered for the medical benefits.

As you were told in a previous post, if you leave the house and the kids stay in the house you run the risk of losing those kids to your husband. Also, if you leave them with him he can go to court and ask for cs.

If things have changed and legal won't talk to you, find a lawyer. Usually the first consultation is free (some lawyers not all offer that). If you have an Ombudsman, talk to her. The chaplain on any base is usually easy to talk to.

Just trying to throw you some ideas on what you can do. Sometimes just waiting can hurt you, gives the other person time to move and get things done.

Good luck to you.

p.s. In my papers, I had it state that he was to pay my legal fees. He did.

 

[opus05]

So, I aquired a back bone, much to everyone's surprise, and told him what I planned to do and that I wasn't going to just sit back and let him get away with giving me nothing. I also told him that if he wanted to play that game, then I would have no choice but to start making my own phone calls to his chain of command....didn't seem to like that one very much. I also let him know that the kids would be living with me and that I will be asking for as much cs as I'm allowed.

So later that day, he starts talking to me in his nice voice, asking if there was anything we could do to fix this, if we could just give it one more chance (we are currently on about number 7 of the one more chance thing) and he PROMISES that he will change, he will even enroll in an anger management class. Same crap I've been hearing for years now.

Can I just say that there was a small part of me that wanted to say yes, that knew how much easier it would be for me to get back together with him, rather than try to make it on my own.....but, I didn't. I stood my ground and said no, that this is really best for everyone involved. Well...then he got pissed!! Started in with the whole I'll get nothing crap and calling me all kinds of names. I have to laugh about it because of how quickly his mood changed when he didn't get his way.

It's just one more thing that makes me believe I'm making the right choice.