Am I in contempt?

[whatthistime]

Help! Am I in contempt or just naive?

What is the name of your state?
The NCP and CP are under temporary orders with the exchange location set up by the judge. This is a location close to my home but far from NCP's. Return times clash with my work times and the NCP agreed to drop child off with older teen at CP's home when CP is working. I specifically asked the NCP each time if it was allright and if there was a problem I could try to get off work. NCP said they did not want to make me miss work and dropping off at my home was no problem. Now the NCP has told lawyer that I am not cooperating with the visitation by not showing up at the location to pick up child. Though NCP agreed and has, each time, brought the child back to the CP's home, talked to CP's older child and made no complaints until this week when I proposed a settlement that NCP does not like.
So my question is this. Theres is a court date set again to talk about this, I don't know exactly what I've done wrong, am I in contempt even though the NCP agreed to this change? My teen, myself and one other person who I brougth as a witness to the exchange once have first hand knowledge that he has agreed to return child to CP's house. It isn't like I had to force NCP or threatened NCP, it was a simple request and NCP agreed with no argument..ever.
Now this out of the blue. Am I naive or are small changes like this okay to do? I mean, the NCP agreed, I have witness'. Should I be worried?

 

[whatthistime]

Please, anyone know?

 

[LdiJ]

Please, anyone know?

No, I really don't think you should over worry on that point. Be prepared to defend yourself if need be...but don't overworry. However from now on you should probably make arrangements for yourself or another member of your family to always be present at the exchange site.

 

[snostar]

You're not following the order, but technically you're not "in contempt" until a judge declares it contempt. Speak to your attorney about modifying the order.

 

[dallas702]

....and it sounds like you might have to get a written "permission" letter signed by your ex when you have an issue like this. Without it, don't do it.

What was the judge thinking when he ordered an exchange while you were normally at work? That doesn't make sense.

 

[BelizeBreeze]

A verbal, or, for that matter, written agreement between the parties to a judicial order, is meaningless.

You follow the court order PERIOD!

 

[whatthistime]

A verbal, or, for that matter, written agreement between the parties to a judicial order, is meaningless.

You follow the court order PERIOD!

Thank you for your comments. I realize that following the order is what you are legally bound to do but it seems that if the parents of the child are communicating and agree, small changes like this are not usually an issue. My ex has recently been fired from his job and has not been paying his child support for the last three months in the proper amount, he's paying about half. So to make up for the loss of income, I have to work more hours. If I do not, there is no way I can meet my budget. My ex knows this and tells me he's "looking" for a job but that he just doesn't know how he'll pay the child support. So when I told him that I need to work as much as I can and could he drop our child off at my house, he was supportive and told me no problem. Then, like a snake hiding in the grass, he tries to use it against me. Since we are in a visitation disagreement and not a child support issue, how can I really go into the court (and spend more money doing so) and say to the judge that since my ex isn't paying child support, I have to work more and could he please understand that the picking up and dropping off is interfering with my work schedule. I suppose I could do that and now that there is a court date to address this I will, but what I fear is that, since my ex is not working, that the judge will give him MORE time with our child, in effect, punish me for having to work because HE lost his job. I work the hours that I do because I want to be with my child the maximum amount of waking hours I can. I am teaching him to write his name, to read, to speak French, I am teaching him music appreciation (he's very gifted in this regard!). We go to the park, we spend time doing "work" together and I am totally devoted to my children, this one in particular as he is only 3. From what I understand, time with the NCP consists of playing with blocks and not much else.
The point is, how can I create a healthy co-parenting relationship with the NCP if I am not willing to trust that he will do as he says. I have in the past and gotten bitten by it, as now. Although I have been burned, I keep trying to look past it for my childs sake, but I do not know how much more betrayal I can take. I do not think that I can ever have a healthy relationship with the NCP because he cannot tell the truth, he says one thing to me and then does or says a completly different thing for the benefit of appearance. I thought that communicating and working on small differences like this, ones that are, at best, trivial (the pick up piont is a mile and a half further away from my ex's house than my own house and therefore I am not asking him to drive further), would be a positive move and that the judge, come the final hearing, would see that we were trying to work together. From what it sounds like, I made a big mistake and should be much more wary and expect to be stabbed in the back, no matter what I do or say.
I did have a witness to one of the exchanges and this witness spoke directly to my ex, who told her he would be happy to drop off child at my home, with my teen. I think that will help me, won't it? Again, I know the order is there for a reason, but given what is going on (his loss of job and lack of support) I thought it best that we try to agree among ourselves than dragging this in front of a judge. I mean, I am trying to soothe this situation, not keep it confrontational and I thought that was what my ex was doing too.
So from now on, if there is any question about anything I will get it in writing.
At the hearing, if I just tell judge the truth about him agreeing, get my witness and my teen to come with me to coaberate (spelling) what happened and that the NCP voluntarily brought him to my residence, can I ask the judge, based on the fact that my ex has 24 hours of free time a day, to change the drop off venue permantly to my house, since I am not there when he drops off the child anyway.

 

[LdiJ]

Thank you for your comments. I realize that following the order is what you are legally bound to do but it seems that if the parents of the child are communicating and agree, small changes like this are not usually an issue. My ex has recently been fired from his job and has not been paying his child support for the last three months in the proper amount, he's paying about half. So to make up for the loss of income, I have to work more hours. If I do not, there is no way I can meet my budget. My ex knows this and tells me he's "looking" for a job but that he just doesn't know how he'll pay the child support. So when I told him that I need to work as much as I can and could he drop our child off at my house, he was supportive and told me no problem. Then, like a snake hiding in the grass, he tries to use it against me. Since we are in a visitation disagreement and not a child support issue, how can I really go into the court (and spend more money doing so) and say to the judge that since my ex isn't paying child support, I have to work more and could he please understand that the picking up and dropping off is interfering with my work schedule. I suppose I could do that and now that there is a court date to address this I will, but what I fear is that, since my ex is not working, that the judge will give him MORE time with our child, in effect, punish me for having to work because HE lost his job. I work the hours that I do because I want to be with my child the maximum amount of waking hours I can. I am teaching him to write his name, to read, to speak French, I am teaching him music appreciation (he's very gifted in this regard!). We go to the park, we spend time doing "work" together and I am totally devoted to my children, this one in particular as he is only 3. From what I understand, time with the NCP consists of playing with blocks and not much else.
The point is, how can I create a healthy co-parenting relationship with the NCP if I am not willing to trust that he will do as he says. I have in the past and gotten bitten by it, as now. Although I have been burned, I keep trying to look past it for my childs sake, but I do not know how much more betrayal I can take. I do not think that I can ever have a healthy relationship with the NCP because he cannot tell the truth, he says one thing to me and then does or says a completly different thing for the benefit of appearance. I thought that communicating and working on small differences like this, ones that are, at best, trivial (the pick up piont is a mile and a half further away from my ex's house than my own house and therefore I am not asking him to drive further), would be a positive move and that the judge, come the final hearing, would see that we were trying to work together. From what it sounds like, I made a big mistake and should be much more wary and expect to be stabbed in the back, no matter what I do or say.
I did have a witness to one of the exchanges and this witness spoke directly to my ex, who told her he would be happy to drop off child at my home, with my teen. I think that will help me, won't it? Again, I know the order is there for a reason, but given what is going on (his loss of job and lack of support) I thought it best that we try to agree among ourselves than dragging this in front of a judge. I mean, I am trying to soothe this situation, not keep it confrontational and I thought that was what my ex was doing too.
So from now on, if there is any question about anything I will get it in writing.
At the hearing, if I just tell judge the truth about him agreeing, get my witness and my teen to come with me to coaberate (spelling) what happened and that the NCP voluntarily brought him to my residence, can I ask the judge, based on the fact that my ex has 24 hours of free time a day, to change the drop off venue permantly to my house, since I am not there when he drops off the child anyway.

Yes, you certainly CAN explain to the judge that since your ex is not paying his full child support that you are having to work extra time to make up the difference...and that time interferes with exchanges.

You can explain to the judge that your ex willingly agreed to drop the child off at your home as a result.

You can also explain to the judge that you try to arrange your work schedule so that you maximize your time with your child during your child's waking hours.

You can also ask the judge to temporarily require dad to provide ALL transportation while dad is not working....since dad has the time available and isn't paying full child support.

The judge isn't going to be pleased with dad for not paying his full support....and is unlikely to reward dad with more time with the child, just because you have to work more to take up HIS slack.

 

[whatthistime]

so it's okay to bring up the fact that he isn't paying his court ordered child support! Whew, I thought I wasn't going to be allowed to talk about it since this hearing isn't about child support.
I feel a lot better and am confident that the Judge will see the common sense of the situation and that once again the NCP is just causing issues.
Thank you so much!

 

[abstract99]

so it's okay to bring up the fact that he isn't paying his court ordered child support! Whew, I thought I wasn't going to be allowed to talk about it since this hearing isn't about child support.
I feel a lot better and am confident that the Judge will see the common sense of the situation and that once again the NCP is just causing issues.
Thank you so much!

I think you can couter sue him for the CS. The docs to do so should be at your courthouse.

 

[dallas702]

Usually, CS and "visitation" are treated as two separate issues. When they blend to create a problem for something as simple as adjusting pickup and dropoff times, the court should be notified and they will give you relief (adjust the schedule). Absolutely you should explain the CS situation. The judge may not take severe action against your ex right away, but if he is considered able to work and ordered to pay up he will be expected to get a job. If he were still paying the full amount and didn't have to work, the judge doesn't really care....except it is not uncommon to have a parent who has free time while the other is working become a caretaker during those hours. It's not really a custody change, but an arrangement to keep the child in the care of the parents/family. At this point I'm guessing you are not using an attorney right now? Have you checked with the available agencies in addition to CAL that the system provides? Almost all states have assistance for getting CS.

Be sure you maintain a diary, journal, log, notes, and documentation regarding all of your issues...even if you don't think it's an issue. Keep a small recorder with you (not to tape conversations without permission, although WITH permission that really cuts down on misunderstandings and hostile confrontations) so that when you get back in your car you can make verbal notes about the exchange or situation. That will help you make more accurate journal entries later.

When you and your ex make small changes for convenience it doesn't mean you are violating the court order per se. Yes, when a disagreement like this comes up the immature parent can bring up the letter of the order and make whatever accusations he wants. Then its up to you to explain the reason. Judges do not like petty fighting over stuff like this. It wastes their time. They really don't like NCPs who don't work, then don't pay the ordered CS. That's why I STILL suggest (contrary to the opinion of some others) that you write down any changes and have both of you SIGN the document. The judge doesn't have to use that information, but I haven't found one yet who doesn't weigh it in when trying to resolve "he said-she said" situations. A written, signed document is never "meaningless".

Find a way to stick with the original schedule (another family member or adult may be able to do the exchange). In fact, when the judge thinks CP/NCP exchanges are hostile and bad for the child, he will order someone else as an intermediary. It's not uncommon and not hard to do, but they prefer cooperation and family to handle it. At this point I can safely bet that the judge will tell your ex to first, get a job; second, pay the ordered support plus arrears; and third, stop being such an a**.