Any Other Blocked out Fathers?

[kat1963]

My husband gave up (after having sole legal/physical custody for 7 years), teenagers, you know, don't like the rules. Long story, I'm not going to go into it.

A good story, my nephews finance (23), told me she found her father (no contact since 2 years old) by way of some links I gave her. Asked if she should contact him, which of course! They wrote at first, then talked. She traveled from VA to MA to see him. He never mentioned on the phone what he wanted to show her and she never asked him directly why he *left*. When she arrived at his house, he opened up his bottom dresser. The entire thing was filled with old letters (complete with checks) RETURNED TO SENDER/REFUSED by HER MOTHER. The same MOTHER who said he went to the store for milk & never came back. That she had never heard from him again. That he was just trash. LIAR! He was at sea, she left for another man, then kept moving, moving, moving. (20 years ago, fathers had little rights). Needless to say, the relationship with Mommy Dearest has dwindled to nothing these days....sometimes, what goes around, come around ..and sometimes, it does so IN SPADES.

Best of luck to you!

KAT

 

[DChristian112]

Ok.
LilSty- I have to say to have faith. Children know they come from not one, but two parents. If the mother decides to tell the child some one else is their father, they know better eventually, they think- "Hey, I do not look like this man".
I would say hang in there. I have never been through what you are going through.
My kids have gone up to seven weeks with out seeing their father, and they know. (They are only 3 and 1). They know their routine, they know they have a father, they know when they SHOULD be with him. Many children are taught to resent their father. (Maybe I am repeating comments said by others here. ) But- the truth of the matter is, if your kids hate you now, they only hate what they do not know. They do not hate you as their father, they hate what is not happening. They hate what is developing, and that is not knowing who you are.
Have faith. If you believe in a higher spirit, pray, worship, chant, whatever you do. Have nothing but faith. Things always turn out for the better, but things must first become troublesome, and turn into turmoil, struggles, and loss of hope, well, almost.
Things always get better after they get worse. That is how my life has been. Downs, downs, more downs, and then a great UP to make all that down time seem to diminish.
I wish you well, and I pray everything will turn out for you the way it should be.
Good Luck and God Bless!
-DChristian

 

[VeeGee]

My DH went through this many years ago...and because of the mother keeping the child away from my DH, and always moving and disappearing, and sending all the letters back. My DH's son who is 17 yrs old now, doesn't want to have anything to do with my DH. He thinks my DH never cared or tried hard enough to find him. BUT...we kept all the returned letters unopened. We also kept all the itemized phone calls my DH made to the grandparents house and the house we thought his son was living at. When and if his son wants to see him, we will show him all the proof we have that my DH did try to find him, and that he did care. Situations like this are unfortunate and the child is the one who suffers in the end. Some women THINK they are hurting the NCP, but they are really hurting the child. They are taking away one more person who can love their child...

 

[prncssshckr]

I would just like to say a little to LilSty. I am 19 years old. My parents seperated when I was just 4. I went to live with my father when I was 5. My father tried everything possible to keep my mother away and out of contact with us. He just wanted her to pay child support and never see us. I know this isnt your situation, but as a kid who grew up in a similar situation I realized that it was my father who was keeping my mother away. I knew that my mom wanted to see me and my sister, but couldnt because of my father. Kids aren't dumb, and a card every now and then will help. My mom would write me poems and send me little gifts. Your children know that you are their father, and they love you. Never give up hope. Your perseverance will pay off.

 

[ChrissyK]

"The system sucks"

Our Story...
Since last Sept. my ex has been found guilty of telephone harrassment against my fiance, guilty of Falsification of Records for lying under oath that the title to my car was stolen, stole my car, had me fired from my job of almost 10 years, has called everyone I know to bad mouth me, has called my fiance's ex mother in law, ex-husband, her old work, her present work, my fiances mother's work, and on and on.... She has called child services on us, stating we abuse the kids, do drugs, etc... Lady from child services says, "I'm no psychologist but I think she's Bi-Polar or something""The system sucks, I wish there was more I could do but if I go into that house and the kids look o.k. physically, there is nothing I can do." She took us to court for telephone harrassment, Prosecutor said, "You should be ashamed of yourself, it's obvious she wants to be by her father."(she was causing a big scene about me not being aloud near my daughter) The case was thrown out. We had a G.A.L. appointed by the court that hated me. She told me the day she met me if she ever heard my fiance's name again she would personally see to it that I never see my kids again. My ex has accused me of beating her, raping her, and now because none of that was working she told my 6 year old to say she saw me and my fiance in a compromising posittion. We have NEVER been alone with any of my girls. She's a sick, sick woman. She accused me of desicrating her brothers grave, by our attorneys advice we went to take a picture of it, NOTHING was wrong with it. My ex if wacked totally wacked. On Father's Day she called to read me a poem my 9 and 6 year old girls wrote me...
Happy Father's Day
I hate you daddy
I hate Chrissy too
I want to see Chrissy hanging from a tree
dead with a knife in her head.
Sound like a 9 and 6 year old wrote that????
I have been through so much. I have written our local newspaper, our local T.V. people, the prosecutor, child services, everyone and anyone who I can.
I'm totally broke, I'm behind in child support, I owe everyone I know. My fiances gramma gave us a $2500.00 loan for an expert (SANDRA MCPHERSON), we're finally making headway but even if I get to finally see my kids, she will never stop trying to destroy our relationship. She denies delivery on everything I send them, cards, balloons, teddy bears doesn't matter. She even said my 6 year old asked who they were from and when she said her dad, my 6 year old said send them back i don't want them. Ya right!!
My divorce was final, she got my car, she got my kids, she got everything. My kids are the ones suffering-BIG TIME.
Check out sights on Parental Alienation Syndorme. PAS is my life.

We're from Ohio so if you want info on people in our area-we have it-lots of it.

GOOD LUCK & Hang in There!!!

 

[VeeGee]

I have read all the posts about one parent keeping the other away from their child/children. This goes out to all the CP's who keep the NCP's away from the children.

Do you have any idea of what you are doing to your children? Do you even care? Using the children to get even with the NCP is wrong and unfair to both the NCP and children. No matter what your problems are with your ex, it's your child who is suffering by not having a relationship with his/her other parent. You have no right to keep them apart...if the NCP is doing the right thing by the child and paying the CS, what is your problem??? Do you realize that when the child grows up...he/she will hate you for what you are doing and leave you. One day your child will have a family of his/her own and keep YOU away from your grandchildren...and only then, will you know how it feels, and you will deserve it. Grow the hell up and stop being so selfish and think of what your child needs...which is her/his other parent. I hope this message reaches at least one of you before it's too late.

 

[CMSC]

Again, a constant eveyone talks about is the "some day they will realize"

Is that the big unanswered question of the universe?

When usually is that someday?

10 years old?
12?
14?
or older?

If anyone has had experience with the when, I would like to know what time in the future I am looking at for some breakthrough on the kids part.

My brother was denied visitaiton quite abit for false abuse allegations. It went on for 4 yrs., maybe more until a new judge came into town! This judge knew mom was lying, told her if she denied one more visit that dad would be awarded custody. Dad has not missed a visitation day without getting a makeup day in 10 yrs.!
My ex sister in law brainwashed the kids severely. However by the time they were 8, 10 and 12 they could see that dad wasn't a bad person. They are now 17, 19, and 21 and they definitely see that mom is a controlling quack!

You have to realize that "someday" could be years and years from now when the kids are adults and out of the house allowed to make their own decisions. Some mom's are pretty good at denying dad visitation and turning it around on him SO they kids don't see him until they are out on their own.

 

[cynthia smith]

The same thing here in Florida to my husband. But we couldn't afford the attorney so I spent time in the law library. We took her back to court pro se (none lawyer) and the hearing officer had to give us credence. She made it right by the law, because visitations can not be stopped and payments can't be stopped, they have nothing to do with each other.

The HO couldn't stop her from bad mouthing us though and trying to turn his son against us, and it worked for a long time. But we kept fighting for our time with him and kept talking to him. He thinks I like to give speeches, but now that he is 15 he listened. He didn't agree with it until his mom walked away from him 6 weeks ago and left him with his uncle. He believes us now, but he still won't come live with us.

Now I have a dilemma, do I call the courts about the abandonment and have them force him to live with us? I don't think that is the answer either. He would only rebel and that would be worse.

DO NOT GIVE UP!!! Just keep taking your kids when it's scheduled and any other times you can. Don't be their play buddy, be their father. Don't try to spoil them while they are there, make them do their chores or whatever rules you set for your house were they living with you. Believe me they do not respond to the spoiling in the long run. They will respect you and will start to listen eventually. They have to understand that you love them and care about their future.

 

[irishwhisper]

Sure they can be. But when the children get older, they began to get all the bits and pieces and the puzzle begins to fit together. Then the gig is up. The interesting thing about the truth is no matter how bizarre, it fits together. No piece is left over and no hole is left. It is total and complete from every angle. And the truth always surfaces.

BOXCAR . I am helping a friend that is in her late 50's who finally decided to try to find her dad.
Now he is probably dead if not in his 80s. She listened to a mother and grandmother all her life about him but in her little heart as a child she remembers him coming to the house with his dad and begging her mom to come live with him. She remembers the cards and gifts he sent her all her life. What a sad thing, she is an only child too. She is still afraid to find him even now.
I have another friend that I encouraged to seek out his children because his wife took them and hid them and changed names on them etc for over 18 years. He said to me they probably hate me
and I said your forgetting one thing they are half you and they may have your personality and ways. They may be having trouble with the mother like you did. Well, to make a very long story short he got with a P.I. and found his family, that had been looking for him for years and they flew out to see him within the very first week they made contact..
He missed his daughter's wedding day , and the birth of several grandkids he didn't even know about. They have had a very happy reunion and guess what "Momma is mad as hell" LOL too bad she lost.
She always got the child support thru his paychecks and he just
gave up after years of fighting with his ex.

My own son is going tru this right now with his 2 little girls. He never misses a visitation and has to drive tru several states every other weekend to see them. He said if he promised to be there he would not let his little girl wake up and find that he wasn't going to come for her.
It is very difficult for him because now the mother is moving to fl and he lives in Texas but he will never give up fighting for them, sending them cards, gifts telling them he loves them and we will not either. We have 9 grandkids and we live in Fl. so you know I will fight to see them.

Don't give up just go on with your life and be happy but keep sending those cards and letters and love and always phone calls to them. Tell them how much you love them no matter how old they are because everyone needs to know that someone loves them. You won't be sorry.

 

[irishwhisper]

BLOCKED OUT FATHERS

BOXCAR . I am helping a friend that is in her late 50's who finally decided to try to find her dad.
Now he is probably dead if not in his 80s. She listened to a mother and grandmother all her life about him but in her little heart as a child she remembers him coming to the house with his dad and begging her mom to come live with him. She remembers the cards and gifts he sent her all her life. What a sad thing, she is an only child too. She is still afraid to find him even now.
I have another friend that I encouraged to seek out his children because his wife took them and hid them and changed names on them etc for over 18 years. He said to me they probably hate me
and I said your forgetting one thing they are half you and they may have your personality and ways. They may be having trouble with the mother like you did. Well, to make a very long story short he got with a P.I. and found his family, that had been looking for him for years and they flew out to see him within the very first week they made contact..
He missed his daughter's wedding day , and the birth of several grandkids he didn't even know about. They have had a very happy reunion and guess what "Momma is mad as hell" LOL too bad she lost.
She always got the child support thru his paychecks and he just
gave up after years of fighting with his ex.

My own son is going tru this right now with his 2 little girls. He never misses a visitation and has to drive tru several states every other weekend to see them. He said if he promised to be there he would not let his little girl wake up and find that he wasn't going to come for her.
It is very difficult for him because now the mother is moving to fl and he lives in Texas but he will never give up fighting for them, sending them cards, gifts telling them he loves them and we will not either. We have 9 grandkids and we live in Fl. so you know I will fight to see them.

Don't give up just go on with your life and be happy but keep sending those cards and letters and love and always phone calls to them. Tell them how much you love them no matter how old they are because everyone needs to know that someone loves them. You won't be sorry.



07-04-2003 04:59 PM

 

[smh33]

...blocked....

many gave you some good advice so take it to heart.
You never really explained your custody situation...if you have no court order establishing custody/visitation then first you need to get one. If the court gives you a visit schedule...visits cannot be denied and if are...you have a court case,your favor.
When???? It depends on how custody/visits are set up...how often you see child or not but about 4 or 5 a child will start to piece things together. A child will start to notice parent A always talks bad about parent B but parent B never talks bad about parent A....simple as that. How a child puts all together....as one parent your direct relationship will somewhat determine how the child puts things together. Like I said...the ex may talk bad about you to the child but if you never do the same...the child will notice such. You have to show your child that the other parent is o.k.....that the child can talk about the other parent/events with you & it is alright...you will not be hurt or make them feel guilty or like they have to choose.... 6yrs to 8 they start to put more together & realize boundaries of situations...such as the child will figure out if I bring up A parent to B parent they always get mad so don't.....a child may even volunteer info...something the ex has said about you...like 'your_ is always late picking you up'. Things like this are really just a test...will you get ugly & talk bad or will you be o.k., give some explaination why at times you may be late & move on. The child learns what is o.k. to talk about with each parent. My ex talked bad to our son about me but I never did...now at 10 our son can see that difference clearly. He will talk with me about the ex,life there but he does not talk to the ex about me...because ex's past behavior has taught our son that would not be o.k. Some say explain all to your kids but I disagree. Some situations may require in depth exchange...depends on each case but otherwise all a child needs to be told is that 'both' parents love and want them. I told my son that sometimes adults just start to fight & not get along kinda like in school when he doesn't like someone....the problem is only between us as adults having nothing to do with him and that mostly we just fight because we both love & want to be with him but with 2 homes we have to split it up & share him...period.

It is hard...custody but if you think you can leave and come back later & it will all be easier...you are wrong and what would you say to your child....'it got hard so I bailed'? Would you want to hear that from your parent? School or daycare is a great place to visit for say lunch and you have to learn to ignore any provokings from the ex. No joke...it is not easy but walking away is not the right answer...trust me, you would regret it later.
Best of luck!