Attach this to the refrigerator door

[I AM ALWAYS LIABLE]

Guys think this should be attached to the refrigerator door.

RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW
Please note... these are all numbered #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

1. Do not cut your hair. Ever. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair and, by then, you're stuck with her.

1. Birthdays, Valentine's Day and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you're prepared to discuss such topics as computers, sports or cars.

1. Sunday = DO NOTHING.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Your ex-boyfriend/husband is an idiot.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints DO NOT work. Strong hints DO NOT work. Obvious hints DO NOT work. Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes -- tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.

1. Check your oil. Please.

1. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said, can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say
during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
More women should wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses.
We like staring at boobs.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends - like THEIR relationships are SO MUCH better.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows Default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care
about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

[MySonsMom]

LOL IAAL, that's gooood. I won't show my hubby though, because this would indeed end up on the fridge.

Thanks for the laugh though.

 

[maryp]

MR LIABLE!!!!! (hahaha!!!! - that is bad!). Now, do you really think you can get away with that???

Hand on heart - how many can you relate to?


The Man Dictionary
==================

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected
with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST
THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the
corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the
address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle
identification numbers of every car I've ever
owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU,
AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the
corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF,
IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb,
but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what
you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it
well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one
more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

[Ukiah]

I was taking a little break from studying and decided to check out my favorite website, and seen IAAL's post. I must admit this is funny. And I couldn't resist putting up a list for us women;

There are no numbers because they all are equally important;

Learn to clean the toilet. If peeing standing up is so difficult and you are bound to miss, then may we suggest you learn to use the toilet brush and sponge to clean up after yourself.

Don’t get mad if we cut our hair. We own our hair, you don’t.

Birthdays, Valentine’s and Anniversaries are not opportunities for you to buy that power tool you always wanted and try to give it to us as a present. Use some imagination to pick a gift, or ask our sister, or friend.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

We know you can’t always think of us. Perfection boggles the mind.

When we ask what you are thinking, we really mean, “Can you please be less boring?”

Sometimes there are better things to do besides watch sports on TV , Really, If your team loses, life will go on.

Couch Potato is not a sport, so don’t try to be an All-Star at it.

When we ask you for help in picking out what to wear, it is because we want to look nice for you. Certainly you have an opinion (you have opinions on everything else).

We love shoes. Get over it.

Sometimes we get upset and cry. We do that.

Your ex-girlfriend/wife is a bitch.

We like to hear what you are thinking, because we care about you and are interested in you. Admittedly, sometimes we forget that you aren’t thinking about anything. But we do want to catch that one thought you have every week or so; consequently, we’ll ask. Particularly if you look like you are thinking. (Note to self: the absent look on hi s face means he’s not thinking.)

Learn to use a calendar. It’s quite simple. The numbers don’t go past 31. And the nice big boxes are for writing reminders in. You do know how to count and write, don’t you?

When wearing a dress shirt, wear an undershirt underneath. Nothing worse than seeing a man’s hairy chest and nipples through his shirt.

Some questions require more than one word answers. You do know more words than “Yes”, “No”, “OK” and “Uh”. We can lend you a thesaurus if that will help.

Don’t say you understand when you don’t.

When you have a headache or are sick, either take something for it or go to the doctor. When you are sick, the world does not revolve around you.

Get rid of your holey underwear

We don’t shave our legs every day; get over it.

Don’t do it, if you’re not going to follow-thru. A woman would rather not have sex at all, than to have it and miss the climax by a mile because you weren’t up for the challenge.

Don’t ever lie to us, we always find out.

Don’t dress us in Victoria Secret attire unless we have perfect bodies. Just Don’t.

If you say something mean, don’t expect us to just smile and forget it.

If you’re going to ogle, remember, we can too. Just don’t do it with your tongue hanging out.

We don’t enjoy talking Dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.

We are not your Mothers, so don’t expect us to clean up after you like one

If we want to talk to you, why do we have to wait for a commercial break? Pretend-people and made-up situations shouldn’t take the place of real life.

Ask for directions.

We don’t like Porn and don’t want you to like it either. Sorry. Life is tough

If you give us ultimatums, please shut the door on your way out.

Just because you only see 16 colors doesn’t mean we have to limit ourselves. Muave is a great color.

If you must scratch or adjust, please wait until you can get to the bathroom. It can’t be so urgent that you have to make the whole world watch.

You don’t have PMS; don’t even act like you know what it’s like.

If something is wrong, and you don’t say what it is, don’t expect the problem to go away by itself. Holding it inside, then exploding is not the answer.

Don’t talk to our Breasts, you won’t be meeting them.

If you want a kiss, do something nice

Most importantly: we are always right; so don’t forget it.


Ukiah.

 

[maryp]

Ukiah! - that is brilliant!

IF WOMEN RULED THE WORLD


...ALL TOILET SEATS WOULD BE NAILED DOWN!!!!!!!!!!
...Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
...PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
...Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
...Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
...A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
...Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
...Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
..."Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
...Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
...Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
...Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks"
...Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.
...Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
...Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
...Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."
...Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.
...Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
...Men would pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.
...Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.
...TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute.
...All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator
...During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would date 19 year olds.
...Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.
...After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to wait on their wives hand and foot.
...For basic training, soldiers would have to take care of a two-year old for six weeks.

 

[TBTN]

Ladies great posts!

Iaal, think you can beat that one?

 

[LegalBeagle]

Dear Mrs. Angry,

Thank you for your recent letter regarding the unprovoked attack on your husband and spray painting all of your neighbors cars. It would seem at first glance that you are indeed up sh!t creek without a boat, but, I may have a solution for you. That would be to ‘sue your periods’.

They are obviously causing you great distress at the moment and was clearly the power behind recent events. With this in mind, I believe we would have an excellent case before us. Normally, my first suggestion would be to move to another state, but I feel from the details you have given, it is not going to help and they will find you sooner or later. This is unless you move to Arkansas or Oklahoma in which case they may think you have totally lost it and give up the chase.

To draw up the petition I will need to have a full list of the problems you are having during your periods. This way we can consider what ‘Punitive Damages’ to ask for. The purpose of punitive damages is to ‘punish a defendant and to deter a defendant and others from committing similar acts in the future’. Plaintiff (you) will have the burden of proving that punitive damages should be awarded, and the amount, by a preponderance of the evidence. I am assuming here that you have plenty of evidence?

Now, here is the key to the case, punitive damages can only be awarded if defendant's conduct was malicious, or in reckless disregard of plaintiff's rights. So, we will need to prove that the defendant (your periods) conduct was done out of spite or hate. We will need to list all the injuries that have occurred over the years. Especially injuries, physically and mentally, to other people. We may want to call your husband and past boyfriends as witnesses to testify as to your totally unreasonable behavior during these times. Since their lists will be extremely long, we will need to ensure we set a time limits on their testimony.

Since there is no case law in this area you will probably end up helping women all over the world should we be successful. At the moment, everyone remembers ‘Roe v. Wade’ but once we have won our case, it will be ‘Mrs. Angry v. period’ that we all talk about for years to come.

I feel we should try and set a court date for when you become this ‘mad women’ as this will greatly increase our chances of success.

Although subject to change, we should state the following in our case: ‘Insecurity’, ‘Become needy’, ‘Get ticked off really easy’, ‘Become a mad woman’, ‘Cry all the time’ & ‘Irrational’.

Obviously I am not sure we will get much for the claim of ‘irrational’ since this is a standard women thing and does not seem to be enhanced by the onset of a period. We might be able to add your current husband to the petition as he is probably the worst effected by this problem. The added stress to his already busy life may net us the most in punitive damages.

Anyway, I feel we have an excellent case, if you wish to proceed, please send me a retainer in the amount of $5,000 and made payable to Charles Andrew Simon Hatfield, or C.A.S.H for short.

Sincerely Yours,
LegalBeagle.

 

[MySonsMom]

OMG, you guys are awesome!