Baby for adoption w/out consent

[Jeckaroonie]

What is the name of your state?What is the name of your state? Utah

After reading many many of the posts within this area I can definately say that my situation is not as dire as I had first presumed. Moreover, I must say, I can feel for you all and your very hard times.

Here is what I need help with,
About 3 years ago my husband was engaged with a lady, whom shall remain nameless. Well, one thing led to another and they became pregnant. As the pregnancy evolved the relationship dissolved, and after 3-4 mos into the pregnancy my husbands ex fiance left him. After a while all communication about the pregnancy and doctors visits fizzled. As much as my husband tried, he could not get a straight answer about the status of the baby.
At last, he was able to get his ex fiance's father to start talking to him. He told my husband that he would be able to adopt the child as his ex was planning to forfiet maternal rights. Finally two and a half years ago his son was born.
My husband had talked to some legal experts before this day and they assurred him that there were no forms, or papers that he needed to fill out to assure that he would indeed gain custody of the child. Neively my husband believed this advise and did nothing legally to guarentee that once the mother gave the child up for adoption that he would get the baby.
Now we are to the juicy part. The mother indeed did put the child up for adoption, however, they did not consult with my husband once about custody. There were no paternal tests nor did my husband sign over ANY rights of his own for the baby. We are presuming that the lack of communication about this baby was at the very least partially illegal, and I want to know (aside from the moral decision that we will need to make) if pursuing custody/ visitation rights would be worth our while.
Does it sound as though the way that this issue was handled was illegal and would we have a shot at gaining custody of this child. We are in a stable point in our lives, we have a good home, a stable financial situation, and a great relationship. I know that we are fit to be parents within ourselves, I really don't know if there is truely something that we can do legally about the situation. Any advise?

-Jeckaroonie

 

[stealth2]

In Utah, only the consent of the mother is required if the parents are unmarried. Mom was also not required to tell Dad anything at all. http://adoption.about.com/gi/dynami...://www.le.state.ut.us/~code/TITLE78/78_29.htm

 

[LdiJ]

In addition, the child is over two now....and is established with parents who love the child and whom the child loves. You have to think of the ramifications of that as well.

 

[BethM]

It must be hard for your husband knowing he has a son out there. It must be painful knowing he can't share that child's life and it must be very frustrating after putting so much effort into trying to do the right thing. I can empathize with what he is feeling.

On the other hand, there is a child out there that is over two years old who has known a mom and a dad and a home. Those are his parents, his attachment to those parents is deep and losing that atttachment might well cause terrible emotional trauma. To do what you want to do would mean ripping him away from all he has ever known. Imagine the pain that would cause him.

Don't you think it best to your husband put his pain on the backburner? Don't you think it best that the emotional needs of his child be put before he desire for custody of this child?

I disagree with you as far as your problem not being as severe as some you have read here. If what you are wanting to do takes place that child will suffer emotional pain that the majority of us have no ability to even imagine. Please, love him enough to want what is best for him...the security of the only home he has ever known.

 

[nextwife]

If he wanted this child, he should have been on the phone almost daily following up to be certain nothing went wrong. He sat on his hands too long to take action. Nor would it be right to act at this point and remove this child from their PARENTS.

http://www.adoptionsolutions.com/general/state laws/ut_law.htm

Utah Adoption Statute Summary

Utah Code Annotated Sections 78-30-1 to 78-30-9 and '78-30-16.3 (1997)

Who Can Adopt?

Any adult person can adopt. If the adoptive parent is married the spouse must consent to the adoption unless they are lawfully separated. The adoptive parent must be 10 years older than the adoptee.

Who Can Be Adopted?
Any person can be adopted.

Consent to Adoption
The following people must consent to the adoption:

1. the parents if the adoptee was born in wedlock, unless the adoptee is 18 years of age or older;
2. the mother of the adoptee born out of wedlock;
3. the biological father who has executed a voluntary declaration of paternity before the mother's execution of consent or her relinquishment to an agency for adoption;
4. the biological father if he has been adjudicated by the court to be the biological father prior to the mother's execution of consent or her relinquishment to an agency for adoption;
5. the child-placing agency to whom an adoptee has been relinquished; and
6. the adoptee who is over 12 years of age, unless the adoptee does not have the mental capacity to consent.
Consent to adoption is not required of the following people:
1. a parent whose parental rights have been terminated;
2. a biological father of a child born out of wedlock who has not established a right to consent (see unmarried father's rights, below); and
3. a parent who has given up the child to a child-placing agency.
A birth mother may not consent to the adoption until at least 24 hours after the birth of the child. Consent to adoption may not be revoked.

Unmarried Father's Rights
In 1995, the state enacted a comprehensive scheme regarding unmarried father's rights with respect to an adoption. The legislative intent is to encourage finality in adoption and place a burden on unmarried fathers to affirmatively take steps to demonstrate parenthood. Furthermore, except in limited circumstances, an unmarried father is presumed to know of the child's birth if he had sex with the mother. An unmarried father's consent, as noted above, is only required when:

1. for a child placed with adoptive parents more than six months after birth, the unmarried father has developed a substantial relationship with the child, taken some measure of responsibility for the child and his future, and demonstrated a full commitment of the responsibilities of parenthood.
2. for a child placed when under six months of age, the unmarried father manifested parenthood, prior to the mother's relinquishment or consent to adoption, including: initiating a paternity proceeding, filing notice of said proceeding with the registrar of vital statistics in a confidential registry established for this purpose, and if he had actual knowledge of pregnancy, paid for a fair and reasonable amount of expenses.
Confidentiality
All adoption records shall be sealed and can not be opened for inspection, except upon a court order. After the adoption is final a report shall be compiled and given to the adoptive parents that includes a detailed health, genetic, and social history of the adoptee. This report should include information about the adoptee's biological family, but not any identifying information.

A mutual consent voluntary adoption registry shall be established. The registry can only release identifying information when it has received permission to release such information from both the adult adoptee (21 years of age or older) and the biological parent, and any adult sibling of adult adoptee requesting such information.

Permissible Fees
Prior to the final adoption hearing a statement of all fees and expenses shall be filed with the court.
This does not apply if the adoptive parent is the legal spouse of the birth parent.

Place of Adoption Hearing
The adoption hearing may take place in the county where the adoptive parents live.

Authority To Place Child
Any agency licensed to place children. Where a licensed agency has not placed the child, additional elements are required in the pre- and post-adoption studies.

Relative Adoption
In the case of stepparent adoptions, the child must have first lived with the stepparent for 1 year instead of the required 6 months for other adoptions. No itemization of fees paid need be submitted by stepparents wishing to adopt. In addition, the preplacement adoptive study may be waived in stepparent and relative adoptions.

Re-printed with permission from the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse.

 

[ntagaincolorado]

I think handling the pain may help if you can somehow find out the particular adoption center that handled this adoption. I personally went through an adoption and they were wonderful! I had the fortunate opportunity to have an "open adoption" which means that you can still have contact with the parents if you so wish and the parents of course. I wrote him a letter the day after he was born and he is informed of his "birth mother" and knows of me. Alot of people think this is horrible...but I was able to give my son a chance at a wonderful life...which your husband's son may also have. But it may ease your husband's pain to contact this adoption agency and just ask what he can do, or if there is any counseling that they may offer him.

 

[Jeckaroonie]

Thanks

Indeed there are a lot of emotional attributes to this issue, I think that what we are looking for at the very least is the availability to get pictures every year or so and to know that the baby is in a good home and growing up well. (I am sorry I did not embellish more about the emotional side of this topic, however, I must think logically and legally first before I consider all of the emotions involved, or my emotions take over my decisions and I do things I regret)
On the topic as to why my husband didn't pursue this further before are very dynamic, lets chalk it down to poor legal advice.
I do agree that ripping the child out of his adoptive home would be un-kosher not to mention mean. None-the-less, we want to make sure beyond a doubt that this baby is safe. Is it worth pursuing even at the very least a picture update once a year?

 

[ntagaincolorado]

Indeed there are a lot of emotional attributes to this issue, I think that what we are looking for at the very least is the availability to get pictures every year or so and to know that the baby is in a good home and growing up well. (I am sorry I did not embellish more about the emotional side of this topic, however, I must think logically and legally first before I consider all of the emotions involved, or my emotions take over my decisions and I do things I regret)
On the topic as to why my husband didn't pursue this further before are very dynamic, lets chalk it down to poor legal advice.
I do agree that ripping the child out of his adoptive home would be un-kosher not to mention mean. None-the-less, we want to make sure beyond a doubt that this baby is safe. Is it worth pursuing even at the very least a picture update once a year?

That all depends on the parents. Some parents feel almost scared to make contact and keep contact with the birth parents, you hear of the adoption horror stories. That is why they give parents the option of open or closed adoption (closed adoption meaning-no contact). But if you can make contact with the adoption agency, they will be able to provide you with options. I am sorry that you were given poor legal advice, every state differs. Utah is one of the most lax about adoption in my eyes.

 

[stealth2]

And another wrinkle - your husband doesn't even know that he's the biofather of the child. It's entirely possible that he's not.

 

[Jeckaroonie]

Yup

My oh my have I ever thought this one through. We do know the adoption agency, and they are not exactly the most friendly people to the biological parents. Have you ever heard of the church of Jesus Christ family services? The whole paternity issue is not something we are too worried about, however that is definately a thought in our minds. The biggest thing to think about is the child's welfare and then my husbands sanity. It does sound as though it would be an uphill battle to gain any rights at all on this topic. There is definately some soul searching to be done.

 

[Joke]

Definately inquiring about an "Open adoption" is probably the very best option to go in a case like this.

With that, though you must be able to completely step back and not get overwhelmed by emotions that can destroy relationships. Open adoptions take HUGE strength and he will need to be prepared for that IF the adpotive parents agree to this.

Like another poster said, some are very threatened by a relationship like that. With my "daughters" parents, they are very comfortable with allowing me to see my daughter and go to special functions because we have a trusting adult relationship. My daughter is 13 now. I respect their right to a private life, and they respect mine, however they invite me to special events, share stories, pictures, first big days, and more with me. It is a very special relationship. I know she has EVERYTHING I wanted, but could not provide, and they have a beautiful daughter they could never have on thier own.

Everyone wins. She will know when she gets older that I did not abandon her, and we will have an "established" relationship. They save all of our letters, etc.

Could be a possibility in your case????

 

[Jeckaroonie]

Most definately, I know both of us just want the best possible life for my husbands baby. I will contact the adoption agency as soon as possible and see what sort of thing can be worked out without involving the courts. I really never would have thought much about open adoption before!

 

[stealth2]

I frankly would not be too optimistic. The child is over two years old and apparently settled with a mother and a father. Your husband does not know he is the father - not legally - and I simply cannot see a court ordering a DNA test for the purposes of having him in contact with the child, considering Utah's adoption laws. And I suspect that the parents will be less than favorable towards suddenly having him pop into their child's life.

 

[ntagaincolorado]

All they can say is no...and then you can move forward with dealing with emotions. So you know...there is no written order about open or closed adoption. He has absolutely no parental rights over the child, and if you do consider pursuing anything that has been mentioned here, just be prepared, you don't want to end up dealing with a tremendous amount of frustration. Which I am sure you allready know.

Because I have parents in my life who have adopted my child, I respect their feelings first...they have taken a responsibility to care for my child, and they are doing a wonderful job. But I have to say...even if it were closed adoption...I would still put them first over my own feelings...only because of the selfless action they took taking my child into their arms and promising to be there for him for the rest of their lives. The adoptive parents go through (normally) extensive counseling before and if needed after the adoption of the child. They aren't just going to pick two "johndoe's" off the street and say here...if that makes you feel any better. But the adoption agency can also tell you the process they go through if they are willing.