Back and forth every night for a week?

[Exsisto]

What is the name of your state? Indiana

I emailed my ex telling him when spring break is. I have opened my week in case his job wouldn't let him have time off.

He is unable to get any time off of work but is willing to pick up our son each night , drive 30 minutes one way and then back in the morning before 9:00AM.

Do I have the right to refuse this?

 

[nextwife]

Oh, for pete's sake. It's a week out of the child's life AND they have no school the next day. If you can do it why SHOULDN"T the child get that time?

And the CO says he gets the child for spring break, right? And even if there's no CO, a week of evenings with Dad is going to hurt him HOW?

 

[stealth2]

Is Spring break his visitation time? If it is, then you have one of two choices. One - tell him that he has to make arrangements for the boy while he works and you aren't available to watch him. Two - agree to his plan.

If it is NOT his visitation time, then you don't have to agree to it.

 

[tigger22472]

Oh, for pete's sake. It's a week out of the child's life AND they have no school the next day. If you can do it why SHOULDN"T the child get that time?

And the CO says he gets the child for spring break, right? And even if there's no CO, a week of evenings with Dad is going to hurt him HOW?

nextwife...I just got here today. Is it that bad here today? I can kind of tell by your tone.

 

[nextwife]

Wow! You can read exasperation in my "tone"? Sigh.

I mean, if Dad wasn't available because he was partying, or out playing in softball tournies or something else that SHOULD take second place to being with one's child it would be one thing. But the guys WORKING and still wants to see his kid as much as possible. Mom "gets" to see her child all the time. So it's a week of a less than desirable schedule vs. a kid getting more time with their daddy.

As someone who did not "get" to be with their child at all until they were two, I don't take having that time together for granted. And as someone who lost their dad when he was still young, I now cherish all the times I got to spend with him.

 

[Exsisto]

I understand nextwife's tone. Even numbered years: Spring break belongs to the non-custodial parent. I extended the offer knowing he wouldn't do anything and then piss and moan at the last minute and blame me for not informing him when he doesn't take initiative.

He's never persued or attempted any extended visitation with our son, ever. No spring or Christmas breaks or summers. He's entitled to them, he just never takes them or makes a move. When it's too late I get "why didn't you tell me about this?" leaving me looking at him like an albino shaven ape in a Members Only jacket biting my tongue on what I really want to say.

Maybe dad will have some stuff for Jr at his place for a while and make Jr feel part of his family for once. If only he would get a bed for Jr, maybe some toys that stay over there or a toothbrush. I'm tired of having to send everything everytime because dad doesn't keep anything at his place. blah blah, it's his party. I do hope it's fun for them.

nextwife, yes, this is a good opportunity for me to find if dad is taking our son to his sister's again and going out to the bars. Jr always tells of the cool stuff he gets to do and where he went when he's away. I told the ex I had a lawyer the first Wed of this month. Since then, instead of dropping Jr off at his sister's and going out drinking he stayed all night with our son at his sister's house and sent two child support checks two weeks in a row.

 

[tigger22472]

I
leaving me looking at him like an albino shaven ape in a Members Only jacket biting my tongue on what I really want to say.

I LOVE that line... !!

My advice is go with it. Sometimes people need a good swift kick in the behind to get modivated and sounds like he's getting it. Why is it you got the lawyer? What proceeding are you planning to file? This sort of sounds like my story. My ex would go MONTHS without speaking to the children... he wasn't paying support but then if by some miricle the state found him before I'd receive that first check... I talking it came out of his check on Friday and I got a call Friday night he was ready to be a dad. He was told CONTINUALLY that support and visitation were separate but ya know. Maybe now dad feels if he's going to support him maybe he should have some invested intrest in his child. The child can only benefit from that.

 

[Exsisto]

Child support stopped last year after his two rounds of unemployment stopped. He became a more beligerent version of himself. I'm sure I became the same to him. I react to his bs and verbal abuse still. Our son has been suffering way before then in school and blah blah I find there are mixed messages as all separated people do but not so diligently through the children as I find he does. How he lives is his business but when it comes to our son and there's no bed, he keeps nothing there, he leaves Jr with family to go drinking and work a full shift without asking if I am available I got a real problem with how he cares for our son. He comes home and lies about things so he doesn't get into trouble because dad doesn't follow doctor's orders.

Anyway, the living conditions are unacceptable and am filing a petition to stop overnight visitation, only overnight until dad provides a bed and stops trying to force me to provide everything for both places. Someone has to make this man do better for the sake and emotional well being of our son.

Another petition to show cause for back child support (which now it seems he is trying to defuse, which is fine, jr is getting some much needed new clothes, shoes, toys and more outings and this weekend his own baseball helmet, batting gloves and cleats for the season) and the credits he has received weekly on CS because of his agreement to provide medical insurance but has not except for four months and lost it, refusing to pay two bills aquired during that time and will not help pay for out of pocket medical expenses.

If I don't constantly hound him about it he doesn't do anything he's obligated to do by law. I'm tired half to death of the tension and conflict and being his mother/informer/delivery boy/servant when all he has to do is get off his butt and make a call, send a letter, ask a question but instead I get verbally beaten if I don't do what he says when he says and it's really taking a toll on our son. Not by seeing us fight because I email him but dad tends to vent to or around our son and send foul messages to me through our son. It's taken a toll on my current marriage and family unit. It's just time to throw out the cards and see what comes up. If I really wanted to fry this guy I would order a home evaluation on us both but I don't have that kind of money laying around all at once.

 

[tigger22472]

Are you the one with the order in Marion county?

Here's my advice to you and it's purely based on opinion. I completely understand what you are going through as far as the BS he pulls. I did the same thing, held his hand through EVERYTHING ... encouraging a relationship between my ex and the boys... I mean I made ALL the effort. I set everything up from calling to inform him of the SMALLEST details of things to doing all the transportation etc. I made all this effort and yet STILL he would continually tell me AND my kids that it was MY fault he didn't have a relationship with them and didn't see them. Everything he did that was wrong was my fault no matter what it was. Finally I just simply began ignoring him.. I know it's hard but it really can happen. When he would tell me what a horrible mother I was and how as soon as HE got his life together he would get custody of the kids and how they did then and always woudl love him more then me I would simply answer him with .. "ok.. whatever you say". When he would tell my kids that it was all my fault he didnt' see them I would talk logically to them, I would ask them questions like "who is the one that would call and let him know things?... who took you every time you see him? Who picks you up from your visits with him?" Mind you I was not obligated to do ANY transportation. I would then say to them... "now, ask yourself... if I didn't want you to see him or have anything to do with him would I do these things?" They were able to realize then that mom wasn't the evil person he was making her out to be. You just have to remember that you aren't with him any more for a reason and it's up to HIM to become a parent. Concentrate on your son and what is best for him. And the best advice I can give you is play everything by the rules. Even though the laws suck you can get them to work for you and in the end You can stick it to him the legal way.

 

[Exsisto]

I hear you on that, thanks for the advice. Yes, i'm the one in Marion county.

Yes, I have heard the "he will build up so much resentment towards you that he will eventually come live with me", you will fail and when you do I will be there....all that

The biggest thing I fear is the crap he fills our son's head with and I think he knows that. Same crap he did to his other children and ex wife. Jr is on Zyrtec for allergies, he got a bad cold. The night he came home after being with his father he says "mom, you know, I think I'm allergic to the cats." The whole town has a cold as well as ex's family. I just need to learn to not be affected by it and continue handling Jr with common sense.

Dad buys the weekly toy and sends jr in the house with the package backboard and keeps the toy because "mom doesn't want anymore junk in her house" because we are sending toys over to dad's so jr has things at both houses to play with. And....there's no more room for $1 toys here, two full bins full of stuff he never looks at. Dad said he was going to put the toys in the garage and jr can go get what he wants when he comes over. Oh, well thanks for sending in the garbage then dad! I'm sure Jr loves pictures of toys.

All the while I encourage Jr to call his dad because he would love to hear from him. Please patient with your father, he has a lot on his plate, blahbity blah. I never heard my mother say a foul word about my dad and I want always to be just like that and practice it constantly no matter what the ex does.

But in the end I'm sure I can't hide my reactions to what he does on my face no matter how much I don't say and our son senses the tension from me and sees the face.

 

[tigger22472]

I know what you mean. It's hard to hide CONTEMPT from your face but those were the times I would have to go into another room by myself or even take my new husband and VENT before I spoke to the kids.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I've never said anything bad about my ex in front of my children either to them or to him but let me tell you what fixed it for me.

At one point my ex decided he wanted visitation every other week. I thought it was great. After almost a year he was ready to step up to be dad and I was right there to help him. One weekend he was to have them and called me on Thursday(the day before) to inform me that he was working on Saturday during the day and couldn't take them til Saturday night. My husband and I had made plans and bought tickets for a concert on that Friday. In turn I had to pay a babysitter to watch the kids. When I took the kids to him on Saturday I infomed him (not in front of the kids) that it was HIS visitation and HIS responsibility to find care for them during his visitation. My ex proceeded to tell me no it wasn't that he didn't care what I thought and he didn't care what we had to go through when the kids were with me. I fumed about this and the next day when I picked the kids up I was still angry. My ex was already about 5,000$ (I think) behind in support with STILL no money coming in although I knew he was working. As I was leaving we were arguing and I looked at him and yelled..."You WILL NOT see these kids again until I see a penny from you." First off let me tell you that I wouldn't of ever done that and I knew legally I couldn't.. but he didn't. On the way home my then 7 year old handed me a penny. When I asked what it was for he said. "You said Daddy can't see us until he pays you a penny. I'll pay his penny for him." That was the ABSOLUTE last time I ever said anything about him or to him in front of them. That will sober you up real quick.