Best Interest of the Child Standard

[momofrose]

Momofrose...I'm not sure why you have so much anger built up over my post. You don't know the first thing about our situation. I did not get "remarried" as I have never been married before and you don't know how or why my relationship with bio dad did not "work out." Again, I would like to know your suggestions for getting an uninterested parent to be more of a parent to my daughter.
And no, I have not asked bio dad if the adoption is ok with him. This forum is my first stop, not my last stop. There is a lot of work left to do!

Once again, take a step back and think about whether attacking a poster is really the way to help others on this forum. You should truly be ashamed of yourself for the anger with which you post.

There is no anger...ok so you were not married to child father (NOT bio father). Birth or Bio mother or father is used only when an adoption is final. Read thee rules of the forum before you post.

How about you send a letter to dad and ask him to exercise his visitation? How about you send dad a schedule of school events? How about you ask him to call his child at a certain time on a certain day?

As I said, if dad does not want to parent child, then I see no reason why you would not ask him to let your husband adopt. Why would you ask what the courts view "in the best interest" as a first stop?

It is not me who should be ashamed my dear - but I suspect it is you who will be banned in the very near future.

 

[milspecgirl]

a child has 1 mother and 1 father. There is no reason to say bio- it is redundant and quite offensive. The only time you would say bio would be if a termination had occured because then they would only be the egg/sperm donor and not the mom/dad. It is nicer to say biomom/biodad than egg/sperm donor.

Please understand that a lot of us post to help people. But, we see the same questions day after day. People do not use the search function or read thru past posts. They also do not read the "newbie" post at the top of the forum. So, we spend a lot of time (volunteer hours that we donate- away from our families and lives) answering the same questions and getting to the same point over and over.

We are not here to be a support group or to cheer you on when you are wrong. We are here to give you the benefit of our past experience. We have been inside the court rooms and heard the judges.

Judges are very serious about there being only 1 mom and 1 dad. They will shoot you down so fast your head will spin if they think for even a second that you are trying to replace dad with someone else and if they think you havent done everything in your power to try to get the parent to have a relationship with the child. That means calling, emailing, sending letters/pics the child has made. calling to update about medical, school, etc.

 

[bethlynn]

There is no anger...ok so you were not married to child father (NOT bio father). Birth or Bio mother or father is used only when an adoption is final. Read thee rules of the forum before you post.

How about you send a letter to dad and ask him to exercise his visitation? How about you send dad a schedule of school events? How about you ask him to call his child at a certain time on a certain day?

As I said, if dad does not want to parent child, then I see no reason why you would not ask him to let your husband adopt. Why would you ask what the courts view "in the best interest" as a first stop?

It is not me who should be ashamed my dear - but I suspect it is you who will be banned in the very near future.

Alright, I'm guilty of not reading the forum rules. I guess we're BOTH guilty of jumping the gun then.

As I explained before, I have tried to foster their relationship for years. Yes, I invited him to birthday parties, school events, and encouraged my daughter to call him. Not always, but most of the time, he'd break his promises. Then we'd go weeks or months from hearing from him again. I may not have done the exact things you listed, but I think my actions (above) are equivalent. and I'm certainly not going to do it anymore. I have a family, a house, a job, and I'm in law school...I don't have time to make sure he exercises his rights. I think 4 years of doing it is enough to know that he must not want to do it.

There are plenty of reasons why a biological parent wouldn't want to give their child up for adoption, other than being interested. Control is one reason. Also, as is common, there is animosity between us, and he may wish to say no just because he can. And I asked this forum (as my first stop) what the court would consider because my husband and I have already agreed to set up a time to meet with he and his wife to obtain their consent re the adoption. I was trying to figure out the result if he refused consent.

Your threat of me being banned doesn't change my opinion of some of the members of this forum (including you). You sounded angry to me and jumped to quite a few conclusions without the facts, and I still don't know the reason.

 

[momofrose]

Alright, I'm guilty of not reading the forum rules. I guess we're BOTH guilty of jumping the gun then.

As I explained before, I have tried to foster their relationship for years. Yes, I invited him to birthday parties, school events, and encouraged my daughter to call him. Not always, but most of the time, he'd break his promises. Then we'd go weeks or months from hearing from him again. I may not have done the exact things you listed, but I think my actions (above) are equivalent. and I'm certainly not going to do it anymore. I have a family, a house, a job, and I'm in law school...I don't have time to make sure he exercises his rights. I think 4 years of doing it is enough to know that he must not want to do it.

There are plenty of reasons why a biological parent wouldn't want to give their child up for adoption, other than being interested. Control is one reason. Also, as is common, there is animosity between us, and he may wish to say no just because he can. And I asked this forum (as my first stop) what the court would consider because my husband and I have already agreed to set up a time to meet with he and his wife to obtain their consent re the adoption. I was trying to figure out the result if he refused consent.

Your threat of me being banned doesn't change my opinion of some of the members of this forum (including you). You sounded angry to me and jumped to quite a few conclusions without the facts, and I still don't know the reason.

It is no threat - you give half facts and expect the panel to read your mind. Again - fact is - he IS the dad and if he decides tonot consent to the adoption - you then have to prove him unfit. The fact that he does not see his child (though not very often) BUT does pay support would lead me to conclude that it is nOT in the child's best interest to terminate his rights and allow step dad to adopt.

I still do not understand the real reason to do adoption though - he is a good step-dad - great! Why not just leave it at that? What is it you are trying to accomplish.

And yes - I get angry when one daddy doesn't work out so we go on to the next one...sorry - a definite sore spot for many (including me)

 

[bethlynn]

a child has 1 mother and 1 father. There is no reason to say bio- it is redundant and quite offensive. The only time you would say bio would be if a termination had occured because then they would only be the egg/sperm donor and not the mom/dad. It is nicer to say biomom/biodad than egg/sperm donor.

Please understand that a lot of us post to help people. But, we see the same questions day after day. People do not use the search function or read thru past posts. They also do not read the "newbie" post at the top of the forum. So, we spend a lot of time (volunteer hours that we donate- away from our families and lives) answering the same questions and getting to the same point over and over.

We are not here to be a support group or to cheer you on when you are wrong. We are here to give you the benefit of our past experience. We have been inside the court rooms and heard the judges.

Judges are very serious about there being only 1 mom and 1 dad. They will shoot you down so fast your head will spin if they think for even a second that you are trying to replace dad with someone else and if they think you havent done everything in your power to try to get the parent to have a relationship with the child. That means calling, emailing, sending letters/pics the child has made. calling to update about medical, school, etc.

I understand about the bio terminology.

I can understand your frustration and I'm sorry if this was a re-post. I still don't think that fact justifies some of the senior member's posts here.

I don't mean this in an argumentative way, but my experience in the court room has been different than what you've described. We've been in front of a judge 4 times, and he's gone to jail twice (for non-payment, of course). No judge has ever told me that I need to make sure he exercises his right to visitation. It would seem that to require that, on top of the primary responsibility of raising the child would be a heavy burden. Who knows...maybe its a difference in state law.

 

[bethlynn]

It is no threat - you give half facts and expect the panel to read your mind. Again - fact is - he IS the dad and if he decides tonot consent to the adoption - you then have to prove him unfit. The fact that he does not see his child (though not very often) BUT does pay support would lead me to conclude that it is nOT in the child's best interest to terminate his rights and allow step dad to adopt.

I still do not understand the real reason to do adoption though - he is a good step-dad - great! Why not just leave it at that? What is it you are trying to accomplish.

And yes - I get angry when one daddy doesn't work out so we go on to the next one...sorry - a definite sore spot for many (including me)

No, actually, to answer my original question...you wouldn't need any facts at all. Judge made law (which is what the BIoC standard is - a judge's interpretation of a statute) usually consists of a few factors that are not specific to a case. Therefore, you wouldn't need the details of my situation to answer the question.

I never asked you what you thought would happen, did I? and you don't know me or my situation, so I don't feel the need to tell you why I think adoption is a good idea. That's why I didn't give you all the dramatic details of my life. I was trying to avoid a drama filled, therapy like post. Ah, well...looks like you got one anyway.

The truth is that there are some biological fathers who do not want to be fathers, whether you believe it or not. It shouldn't make you angry that the biological mother then tries to make the best of the situation and fill the void that the biological father left. Unless its a case of "musical daddies," I call that being a good mom.

 

[momofrose]

No, actually, to answer my original question...you wouldn't need any facts at all. Judge made law (which is what the BIoC standard is - a judge's interpretation of a statute) usually consists of a few factors that are not specific to a case. Therefore, you wouldn't need the details of my situation to answer the question.

I never asked you what you thought would happen, did I? and you don't know me or my situation, so I don't feel the need to tell you why I think adoption is a good idea. That's why I didn't give you all the dramatic details of my life. I was trying to avoid a drama filled, therapy like post. Ah, well...looks like you got one anyway.

The truth is that there are some biological fathers who do not want to be fathers, whether you believe it or not. It shouldn't make you angry that the biological mother then tries to make the best of the situation and fill the void that the biological father left. Unless its a case of "musical daddies," I call that being a good mom.

Ok miss "i don't need to give you all the details" you have fun with this scenerio and paint it anyway you see fit to make yourself feel better..oh and just an fyi family court does not have statutes than are lived and died by..I would give you more detail, but apparently you know more than anyone that has given you a reasonable answer - so...ciou!

 

[TheGeekess]

It is Biomoms like this one that cause me to remember a friend who got really chided and blasted for deleting her post.

Our friend has not been back since then and I truly miss her. Geekess, if you had deleted your posts, I'd have given you a high five.

I miss SP

I miss SP, too... and I'm not deleting my posts because someday someone will use the search function around here. Nevermind the hissy fit of the OP; I've been called worse by better.

 

[bethlynn]

No hissy fits here, just calling it like I see it. and Momofrose...I'm not really sure what to say in response to your last post. It was a bit confusing.

I hope you guys take what I said to heart. Attacking OPs doesn't do anyone any good, and that's what you've done. If you're taking time away from your family and friends to attack people on this forum, you should rethink your priorities. Try to make a positive effort to improve the domestic situation of our communities, lord knows we need it.

Sitting behind a computer screen and criticizing and insulting doesn't make you a better parent than me.

 

[Proserpina]

No hissy fits here, just calling it like I see it. and Momofrose...I'm not really sure what to say in response to your last post. It was a bit confusing.

I hope you guys take what I said to heart. Attacking OPs doesn't do anyone any good, and that's what you've done. If you're taking time away from your family and friends to attack people on this forum, you should rethink your priorities. Try to make a positive effort to improve the domestic situation of our communities, lord knows we need it.

...I'm lost for words.

 

[milspecgirl]

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do not meet with the father if you have your new hubby and his new wife present. They are not a party to any of this and really are going to cloud the waters. It is going to put dad on the defensive 1st thing seeing this man who "wants to steal my child". Chances are you will get nowhere if you do that. Yes your hubby will be a party to the adoption, but not the TPR.

mention to dad that he would no longer be obligated to pay child support. If he has arrears and you have never been on any kind of state aid, you may also have the option of forgiving his arrearages. Judges wont let you make this a stipulation of the TPR because it is too much like buying and selling children, but you may just want to make sure that he understands that you would be willing to look into that if he feels that signing the papers would be best

 

[bethlynn]

That's a good point about the spouses. I just don't feel comfortable meeting with him on my own, and so I thought it would only be fair to have his wife there if I bring my husband. It may do more harm than good though, you're right.

 

[milspecgirl]

what about another neutral 3rd party? minister, counselor, etc

 

[bethlynn]

That's a good suggestion. But I think if I set the meeting up so its in a public place, it should be fine with just the two of us. I can get over my queasiness. Thanks for your help, Milspec.

 

[AHA]

Just imagine how many adoption lawyers that could have been called during all the HOURS it took to gather 3 pages of bickering. Is there really a reason to be wasting all this time out of people's lives?
Get OFF the Internet and get ON the phone and talk to a lawyer since this is not a DIY project!