I am in the same situation as you are. I had to take my son to counseling, but I ended up having to stop that because of the cost. His counselor wanted to speak to his dad about what he was doing and how it was affecting my son and he wouldn't do it.He would say it wasn't from him. He comes and goes whenever he wants and never calls in between visits. He doesn't think this has any harm on my son. The best thing i have found to help so far is to be there and to get him interested in activities. They seem to help a lot.
-
FreeAdvice has a new Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, effective May 25, 2018.
By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our Terms of Service and use of cookies.
Accident - Bankruptcy - Criminal Law / DUI - Business - Consumer - Employment - Family - Immigration - Real Estate - Tax - Traffic - Wills Please click a topic or scroll down for more.
H
hexeliebe
Guest
pucker, unless you live in the boonies, you should be looking for a referral to an agape counselling center. That's just a head's up for you. As for the original poster, I could care less.
M
MrsConcerned
Guest
Pucker:
How old is your child and how is he dealing with the visitation now? How long has this been going on? Have you or are you planning on riding this out until, or is court an option for you and your son? I know I have held out on court for 3 years and just now getting a backbone and saying enough is enough.
But if you're like me...you know with the court/justice system....you're fighting a losing battle. But at least I wont look back and say "what if or only if I would have"
But now, Im looking back and saying "why did I"
How old is your child and how is he dealing with the visitation now? How long has this been going on? Have you or are you planning on riding this out until, or is court an option for you and your son? I know I have held out on court for 3 years and just now getting a backbone and saying enough is enough.
But if you're like me...you know with the court/justice system....you're fighting a losing battle. But at least I wont look back and say "what if or only if I would have"
But now, Im looking back and saying "why did I"
stealth2
Under the Radar Member
Most county mental health services operate on a sliding scale. So counseling for a child is ALWAYS available. Almost EVERY school has a counselor who WILL meet with the child, and most schools have peer sessions for kids of divorce (and if they don't about all it takes is asking for them to set one up - BTDT). This lets the kid see that s/he is not alone in the situation and provides a forum for discussing thought, feelings, situations. Just being able to share with peers makes a huge difference to kids. Of course, as a parent, one has to be open to the realization that the kid may say less than flattering things about either parent.
M
MrsConcerned
Guest
Stealth2:
Actually, my sons teacher has said that they have a "Parenting differences" couseling at his school. She offered that to him last week when he confided in her. He said that he didnt want to go, but I believe that I will try this first before the psychologist. I believe his school astmosphere would be more comfortable that a strange place with someone he has never seen before. Like you said, there are other children in this program which would be comforting to him to know that he isnt the only child in this world going thru this.
Of course, as a parent, one has to be open to the realization that the kid may say less than flattering things about either parent. [/B][/QUOTE]
I believe this is a good thing, b/c even me as a mother, if there is something I do that makes him feel sad, mad, upset, confused, ect. I want to know so that I can fix it.
Great recommendation!!!
Actually, my sons teacher has said that they have a "Parenting differences" couseling at his school. She offered that to him last week when he confided in her. He said that he didnt want to go, but I believe that I will try this first before the psychologist. I believe his school astmosphere would be more comfortable that a strange place with someone he has never seen before. Like you said, there are other children in this program which would be comforting to him to know that he isnt the only child in this world going thru this.
Of course, as a parent, one has to be open to the realization that the kid may say less than flattering things about either parent. [/B][/QUOTE]
I believe this is a good thing, b/c even me as a mother, if there is something I do that makes him feel sad, mad, upset, confused, ect. I want to know so that I can fix it.
Great recommendation!!!
stealth2
Under the Radar Member
It's helped my son (in particular) a lot. He had a total meltdown last year at school about the situation with his Dad, and the result was a peer group at the middle school. (I also had a very nice call from his guidance counselor about what he told her.) The elementary school has had a group for ages, and even tho the counselor has said she doesn't need to attend, my daughter goes because she enjoys helping other kids in a similar situation.
I talk to my kids a lot about all sorts of stuff, and I make a point to tell them that I know there are things I do that bug them - just as there are things they do that bug me. But unless we communicate about what those things are, we can't fix or change them. They've gotten good about communicating those issues with me, as well as accepting (and correcting) things when I tell them.
(edit) I would also tell your son that while talking at the "Parenting Differences" sessions is optional, attendance is not.
I talk to my kids a lot about all sorts of stuff, and I make a point to tell them that I know there are things I do that bug them - just as there are things they do that bug me. But unless we communicate about what those things are, we can't fix or change them. They've gotten good about communicating those issues with me, as well as accepting (and correcting) things when I tell them.
(edit) I would also tell your son that while talking at the "Parenting Differences" sessions is optional, attendance is not.
My son is only 5. He never wants to go to his dad's, but i always tell him he will have fun and that he should go see him. He has been in an out of his life the whole time. I've decided to stay out of court. We actually bought my son kids boxing gloves and he loves the outdoors, so we got him a kids bow that we take him out to the country with.
I'm lucky that his babysitter works with him and understands what he is going through.
I'm lucky that his babysitter works with him and understands what he is going through.
MY daughter knew neither of us until she was 25 months old. She did readily adjust to having her parents come into her life at that age, however, transitions (she is now 6) are challenging for her. At five, we, too, had meltdowns, acting out and tantrums. And there was no visitation issue. Some of it turned out to be as yet undiagnosed ADHD, some of it was PTSD, and some of it was her own inability to readily transition. Music class to classroom. Classroom to recess. Home to school. There were days any of these would be challenging.
But be assured that some of what you describe occurs even in situations in which there is no visitation issue.
Counseling is a good thing. Also consider Playtherapy. It is a very good way to help them work through what they can't talk about. Some of us who had challenges with our language delayed kids have utilized it.
But be assured that some of what you describe occurs even in situations in which there is no visitation issue.
Counseling is a good thing. Also consider Playtherapy. It is a very good way to help them work through what they can't talk about. Some of us who had challenges with our language delayed kids have utilized it.
M
MrsConcerned
Guest
Thanks for the advice and experiences.
I will definately begin the counseling program at his school. Even though he says that he doesnt want to talk about it.....I know myself how talking out your feelings makes you feel a whole lot better.
But I know that counseling will help with the confusion and somewhat the stress. But in the instances when he comes home and is upset b/c the visiting parent has said "ugly" things about people our son is close to, i.e, myself, my husband, my sons nana, etc. He comes home with an upset stomach and is violent for days.
Visitation I think, wouldnt be so confusing if bad mouthing wasnt an issue. But he is now asking our 8 yr old son to come live with him b/c he lonely and has no friends.
When he doesnt go for a month (meaning visitation missed), there is no attitude or trouble in school.
Will counseling teach him how to "cope" or "block" out these issues and move on? Or is parental rights revoked the answer? Then there is no mental breakdown. He now knows this man exists and he doesnt have a good feeling in his stomach when he's with him.
I know myself I dont like that feeling.
I will definately begin the counseling program at his school. Even though he says that he doesnt want to talk about it.....I know myself how talking out your feelings makes you feel a whole lot better.
But I know that counseling will help with the confusion and somewhat the stress. But in the instances when he comes home and is upset b/c the visiting parent has said "ugly" things about people our son is close to, i.e, myself, my husband, my sons nana, etc. He comes home with an upset stomach and is violent for days.
Visitation I think, wouldnt be so confusing if bad mouthing wasnt an issue. But he is now asking our 8 yr old son to come live with him b/c he lonely and has no friends.
When he doesnt go for a month (meaning visitation missed), there is no attitude or trouble in school.
Will counseling teach him how to "cope" or "block" out these issues and move on? Or is parental rights revoked the answer? Then there is no mental breakdown. He now knows this man exists and he doesnt have a good feeling in his stomach when he's with him.
I know myself I dont like that feeling.
Dear poster, there are many of us that have or are going through similar situations. Please do find some help for yourself in addition to your son.
My son doesn't have stomache aches regularly but frequent bouts of not being able to "move the mail" despite a proper diet here at home and he chews the hell out of his lips until they are beet red when he is away from home. I talked with the school counselor to setup meetings between her and my son to help him relieve the pressure. He was telling me the things his father has been saying about me. He needs to talk to someone that is not mom at this point. When I started getting the "nevermind, I forgot" during conversations I knew there was something wrong.
She will only tell me what they talk about if he is being harmed, other than that it's simply to talk to someone he will feel less likely to "get in trouble with" if he says anything in place of "nevermind, I forgot", and yes, this is to find out what's been going on. There's big trouble in little Indiana and I can't go poking around myself and he needs help. Our children are only a year apart in age.
I have been looking for somewhere to go for myself. I'm having a hard time standing up to this man for myself but it's not just me that's involved here. What kind of mother am I going to be for my son if I don't get myself together and make sure I'm alright and in the position to make sure he's alright too? That's the same question I asked myself days before I left the father when our son was 5 months old. I have been asking myself this question again lately. I have things in place for counseling and behavioural evaluation for my son scheduled and am going to be putting myself through the ringer as well as an open invite to the father to do the same.
See, if it's fear of what you may find in yourself that's keeping you from finding help for yourself that's fine but don't let it stop you. It's definitely the lesser of two evils.
My son doesn't have stomache aches regularly but frequent bouts of not being able to "move the mail" despite a proper diet here at home and he chews the hell out of his lips until they are beet red when he is away from home. I talked with the school counselor to setup meetings between her and my son to help him relieve the pressure. He was telling me the things his father has been saying about me. He needs to talk to someone that is not mom at this point. When I started getting the "nevermind, I forgot" during conversations I knew there was something wrong.
She will only tell me what they talk about if he is being harmed, other than that it's simply to talk to someone he will feel less likely to "get in trouble with" if he says anything in place of "nevermind, I forgot", and yes, this is to find out what's been going on. There's big trouble in little Indiana and I can't go poking around myself and he needs help. Our children are only a year apart in age.
I have been looking for somewhere to go for myself. I'm having a hard time standing up to this man for myself but it's not just me that's involved here. What kind of mother am I going to be for my son if I don't get myself together and make sure I'm alright and in the position to make sure he's alright too? That's the same question I asked myself days before I left the father when our son was 5 months old. I have been asking myself this question again lately. I have things in place for counseling and behavioural evaluation for my son scheduled and am going to be putting myself through the ringer as well as an open invite to the father to do the same.
See, if it's fear of what you may find in yourself that's keeping you from finding help for yourself that's fine but don't let it stop you. It's definitely the lesser of two evils.
stealth2
Under the Radar Member
Exsisto said:
Oh yeah. My 12 yo used to do this. He'd have a line under his lower lip from his teeth. He also had an eye tic that got worse when he felt stressed - mostly right around visitation time (once a month). He'd blink almost nonstop. To the point where people would ask me about it and note that it happened right around when he saw his Dad.
He's pretty much past it.
B
Born to Lease
Guest
Having walked in similar shoes, I will share with you what I did that completely changed everything! Arrange counseling for your son, you, your husband AND the X-BF.
Before you all go, set the rules and there are only a few. No one can place blame and no one can become angry at things that are said...except your son! Explain to everyone they are to be 100% open and 100% honest. It does not matter if hurtful things are said, but no one is allowed to argue or rage. You are all there to discuss your own feelings and what it is that hurts you. It is all right to say things that others in the group might not want to hear, but if you are all just discussing the issues and that remains the only objective, then it is actually good to discuss everything good and bad.
KEY FOR YOU ADULTS: you must do this in order to discuss the issues and reach a point of peace and resolution. This cannot and must be used as an opportunity for you to get your points across and success will only come when your son is declared the winner in this situation.
It is difficult at first for the adults who are holding a grudge to be motivated to forgive and accept the other person(s) and actually want to let go of all the ill feelings that consume you. But, I promise the change in your son will be well worth it and the sense of peace that will replace the anger and bitterness actually allows you to have your life back--for you and for your son!
Before you all go, set the rules and there are only a few. No one can place blame and no one can become angry at things that are said...except your son! Explain to everyone they are to be 100% open and 100% honest. It does not matter if hurtful things are said, but no one is allowed to argue or rage. You are all there to discuss your own feelings and what it is that hurts you. It is all right to say things that others in the group might not want to hear, but if you are all just discussing the issues and that remains the only objective, then it is actually good to discuss everything good and bad.
KEY FOR YOU ADULTS: you must do this in order to discuss the issues and reach a point of peace and resolution. This cannot and must be used as an opportunity for you to get your points across and success will only come when your son is declared the winner in this situation.
It is difficult at first for the adults who are holding a grudge to be motivated to forgive and accept the other person(s) and actually want to let go of all the ill feelings that consume you. But, I promise the change in your son will be well worth it and the sense of peace that will replace the anger and bitterness actually allows you to have your life back--for you and for your son!
M
MrsConcerned
Guest
Thanks to all of you for your very helpful advice. It truley helps me to see that my son & I arent alone. And with proper counseling, he will overcome this.
I am getting a second opinion from a different lawyer today to see if I get the same answer as previous lawyer.
What about criminal records? Does this hold up in court? Such as DUI '99, possession of marijuana '96, concealed weapon '02, VASAP violation '97, & traffic violations? Are these permissible?When can a drug test be requested? Do I have to have proof that hes using drugs? Of course, I am more than willing to give blood, hair, etc.
Has this been an issue with any of you or have you pursued this?
Mrs. C.
I am getting a second opinion from a different lawyer today to see if I get the same answer as previous lawyer.
What about criminal records? Does this hold up in court? Such as DUI '99, possession of marijuana '96, concealed weapon '02, VASAP violation '97, & traffic violations? Are these permissible?When can a drug test be requested? Do I have to have proof that hes using drugs? Of course, I am more than willing to give blood, hair, etc.
Has this been an issue with any of you or have you pursued this?
Mrs. C.