bio dad is playing games with my daughter

[whitsmom]

ex is playing games about my daughter

My ex of 6 years has never had a continuous relationship with our daughter, age 10. We were never married...we split up 6 years ago due to domestice abuse and I am have been happily married to another man for 5 years. My ex is thousands behind in child support...as a matter of fact, he has never paid any of it and has no driver's license because of it.

We have no custody/visitation order, but until July, I used to let him see her when he asked (all of 1-2 times a year, the last time July 1,2000), but in July he threatened to not return her the next time he saw her so I put a stop to the visitation. He has threatened my life numberous times, has made drunken threats on my ans. machine that I called the police about and many other things...too many to go into here.

My husband would like to adopt my daughter and she would love to have him as her "real" dad...to her my hubby is the only dad she has known. My ex said (again) he would consent to the adoption so I sent him the consent/waiver form for him to sign. He sent it back to me with a huge "F-you" written all over it.

Now he says that my husband will NEVER adopt my daughter because he will NEVER sign the form. He said he can go "364 days" without calling her or paying any support, and all he has to do is send me a certified letter on day 365 asking to see her and he will never lose his parental rights...really??

This game playing has been going on for at least 3 years with him on the fence about adoption...not paying support...not getting a visitation order...just being there doing nothing about his child. Now that I want him to get a visitation order at HIS expense he claims I am "denying" him his child. I just think that if he really wanted to see her, he would get himself a court order...it has been 6 months since he last saw her, about 6 months prior to that...he "forgot" her birthday and Christmas again this year...not even a card. Very sad.

My question:

Do I stand a snowballs chance to go ahead with the adoption petition and let him go to court to protest it? It is hard for me to imagine a judge allowing him to continue this game playing and lack of regard for his daughter's feelings when there is a good man who WANTS to be her father and who has assumed the role of daddy for 5 years.

Whadda ya think? We are all in central Florida. Sorry so long.



[Edited by whitsmom on 01-09-2001 at 09:18 PM]

 

[LegalBeagle]

You have no custody order ?? and you allow this man to take the child ? You know, if he did not return the child, it could take months to get her back.

You need to petition the courts for sole custody and kept taking him to court for non payment of CS. Do not let up on it. Learn how to do the petition yourself and every few months, drag him into court. Eventually he will end up in jail. Then you inform him that you will make all those 1000's of dollars disappear if he agrees to the adoption. In the meantime, until HE gets court ordered visitation, do not allow him anywhere near the child. Record every call he makes and document everything.

 

[whitsmom]

Thanks LB...I think I have asked you this before but I don't remember the answer you gave...we have been going round and round with him for months with this adption thing...he loves being able to change his mind over and over again just to torture me...power trip .

1.) If I petition for sole custody will I have to include some type of visitation for him or is that for him to do?

As per your advice before, I don't have unrecorded converstaions with him...now that he knows he is being recorded, he tries to watch his mouth, which is fine with me because he can get VERY ugly. He doesn't call often...almost like in spurts...no call for months then call after nasty call for a few days...its bizarre.

I did allow her to go to his house for visitation (when he managed to ask) because I didn't want to "deny" her her father...I never thought he would pull a stunt like keeping her because he simply doesn't have the resources (and has a very full "social life" if you know what I mean) but after he made that threat 6 mos ago, I refuse to let her go anymore. I am just afraid that he may some how use that against me in court that I won't allow her to go over there anymore...

2.) will a judge find me unreasonable by wanting to wait until there is a visitation order in place that is at HIS expense?

I did offer to have all back support excused if he signed the form (he is awaiting an inheritance and it will be attatched when it is dispursed in a couple months--a couple grand.) At first he threatened to kill me if I touched his money (recorded and heard by police, but they opted to do nothing because he lives in another county.) Then he decided he didn't care because he is "broke" anyway. This is a man who quit a good job to avoid his checks being garnished for support...now he is a bum who lives with various women and relatives...

3.) I take it that it may be futile to try to "force" the adoption without his consent...he can avoid any type of support for his child (emotional or financial) and be allowed to do so because it is his "right" to be know as her father. Makes me wonder why her rights aren't so important. We are fortunate that she has a good step daddy who shows her he loves her when her dad could care less...many children don't have that...Thanks again...

[Edited by whitsmom on 01-10-2001 at 08:09 AM]

 

[LegalBeagle]

Thanks LB...I think I have asked you this before but I don't remember the answer you gave...we have been going round and round with him for months with this adption thing...he loves being able to change his mind over and over again just to torture me...power trip .

1.) If I petition for sole custody will I have to include some type of visitation for him or is that for him to do?

As per your advice before, I don't have unrecorded converstaions with him...now that he knows he is being recorded, he tries to watch his mouth, which is fine with me because he can get VERY ugly. He doesn't call often...almost like in spurts...no call for months then call after nasty call for a few days...its bizarre.

I did allow her to go to his house for visitation (when he managed to ask) because I didn't want to "deny" her her father...I never thought he would pull a stunt like keeping her because he simply doesn't have the resources (and has a very full "social life" if you know what I mean) but after he made that threat 6 mos ago, I refuse to let her go anymore. I am just afraid that he may some how use that against me in court that I won't allow her to go over there anymore...

2.) will a judge find me unreasonable by wanting to wait until there is a visitation order in place that is at HIS expense?

I did offer to have all back support excused if he signed the form (he is awaiting an inheritance and it will be attatched when it is dispursed in a couple months--a couple grand.) At first he threatened to kill me if I touched his money (recorded and heard by police, but they opted to do nothing because he lives in another county.) Then he decided he didn't care because he is "broke" anyway. This is a man who quit a good job to avoid his checks being garnished for support...now he is a bum who lives with various women and relatives...

3.) I take it that it may be futile to try to "force" the adoption without his consent...he can avoid any type of support for his child (emotional or financial) and be allowed to do so because it is his "right" to be know as her father. Makes me wonder why her rights aren't so important. We are fortunate that she has a good step daddy who shows her he loves her when her dad could care less...many children don't have that...Thanks again...

[Edited by whitsmom on 01-10-2001 at 08:09 AM]

1. You do not have to include any visitation. That will be up to him to petition for. The down side is that if he does, he then gets court ordered visitation.

2. A judge will not find you unreasonable given all the facts. Since there is no custody agreement and he has threaten to take the child, then even less chance of a judge going against you.

3. The only way to progress this is to take away some he values.. and that is his freedom. All the other items mean nothing to him.. you need to continue to take him to court and hound the issue until a judge sends him to jail. He needs to realize that this arrears will be around his neck for the rest of his life. Once he has lost his freedom and realizes that he will continue to do so, then you give him his get out of jail free card with the adoption and cancelling all past debts.

 

[whitsmom]

Thanks and I'll keep you posted.

Oh...a note to anyone in FL...I have my child support through the dept of revenue...Since I haven't been on public assistance, I found out it is up to me to ask CSE to collect the support if he doesn't pay...they don't automatically do anything and I wasn't aware of this...I wondered why they have let him go so long without paying!! (If I understand correctly, if you are on public assistance, the state goes after it for you/the state.)


I was told today by CSE that not ASKING enforcement to go after the support that isn't being paid is like calling the police and not pressing charges for a crime against you...I didn't know that...thought it may help someone else who's ex thinks he/she is getting away with not paying their support...you can ask for collection after 30 days without support...have a great day

 

[ebaying]

Hi, im not sure about the law in your state, but in Oregon I believe once your daughter is 12 you can petition the court on her behalf for an adoption. Long time to wait but something to hold out for. Also you might seek an order for mediation. Have the adoption papers their and maybe the mediator can talk some sense into him. Hope this helps! Mediation is much cheaper and he would be ordered and have to talk instead of act stupid. If he does act stupid the mediator submits a letter to the court informing them how the mediation went!

 

[whitsmom]

thanks for the info about mediation...i am going to check into it and also into the 12 year old petitioning on her own behalf in florida...thanks again