Both parents gone

[AdamS]

What is the name of your state? MO

Here is the situation:

My two step brothers are now living with my dad.

He is in very poor health (70 years old, has lung cancer, smoker all his life).

My dad and step mom are now divorced.

Their mother is committed to a mental institution (severe bipolar disorder).

If my dad dies, what will happen to my brothers (I am only a junior in college, my biological brother is a sophmore in college, and our sister is a freshman and is blind, so we cannot take care of them).

I know this is a crazy off the wall situation, and that is why I need advice. Thank you.

 

[misslawli]

just a couple of Q's to help answer, How old are they and where is thier Bio father?? Any other family they could go with??

 

[AdamS]

They are living with their biological dad now (also my father).

He is in very poor health (lung cancer, 70 years old now).

They are two boys, ages 6 and 4.

I am 22 years old (starting MBA next year), my brother is 20 (sophmore) and my sister is 19 (freshman and blind). We all live in dorms year round.

The three of us have not seen these two boys (though they are stepbrothers) in over two years, since their mom took them and moved 5 hours away.

Their grandma might take care of them (their mothers side), though she is 72 years old herself and retired living off social security.

Their mom (my former stepmom) is 48 years old, unemployed, but has severe bipolar disorder. She was declared incompentent by the courts, and is in and out of mental hosipitals all the time. Even if she wanted to take them, she has no home (tranfers between living in a hosipital and with her mom), she has no job, she has no car, and is truely, as the courts declared, unable to even care for herself.

My dad is alie and caring for them now, but will not make it much longer (2 years at the most). What would happen to them when he dies (say, they are 7 or 8 years old)? Who do we call?

I would image that the state will take over, but how to we get them involved at that time?

Thank you.

 

[nextwife]

Are there any aunts or uncles that might help? I also suggest you rush through your MBA training as quickly as possible. These little ones will need some family to care for them soon. Poor babies, they have really been through a lot.

" What would happen to them when he dies (say, they are 7 or 8 years old)? Who do we call?

I would image that the state will take over, but how to we get them involved at that time?"

I would hope that the three of you do not intend to place your little sibs into the foster care system. I realize that you now live in dorms year round. I understand the dilemma - I've been there. MY dad became disabled with a brain tumor while I was still in school and died a few years later. I had to adjust my plans, not go away to school, because my family needed me there. I went to a commutable college instead. Not my preference, but my dad needed me as he went through his therapies. These little ones need their family, too.

 

[AdamS]

Unfortunately, we do plan on not taking them for several reasons:

1. My sister is blind, and my brother and I must care for her.

2. I am planning an getting married in May, and will not have the financial resources nor the time to juggle my job, MBA schooling, my own family, and my two step brothers.

3. My former step mom has severe bipolar disorder, and should be avoided at all costs. That being said, none of the three of us want anything to do with her.

4. None of us have seen the two boys in over two years, as they were just awarded custody to my father this week (he'll get them on March 1).

5. MONEY! We are college kids. I can't even support myself, much less my blind sister and two step brothers whom I don't even know. I struggle just to eat at Taco Bell once a week. I have no car, no home, and no money. What would I do with a 6 and 4 year old?

My question, then, is who should we contact in the event that something terrible happens to my father, and what will the state do with them?

Thanks for everyones help.

 

[stephenk]

if you cant support yourself why are you getting married?

these kids arent your stepbrothers. they are your half-brothers. you all have the same dad, right?

maybe your dad might be willing to have them adopted by a family you all know that would be willing and able to take them. try to avoid having them fall into foster care.

The moral solution to this dilemma is for you to quit school, get a job and raise the kids when that time comes. your needs to get a MBA should take a back seat to raising your brothers. However, the moral solution is also the most difficult.

The easiest would be to ignore the situation and let the state take them.

 

[CMSC]

I can't wait to see how this family explains to these two children, who are losing both parents, that they have to go live with strangers because nobody can afford to keep them.

If your dad is able to he needs to get an attorney involved to advise him. If it comes down to money, would there be any estate/inheritance that the boys could be raised from? With mom instituitionalized and dad deceased, these boys would more than likely qualify for social security benefits because they are so young. It is sad to think about.

 

[nextwife]

AS both parents are disabled, the kids should be eligable for disablity benefits from them. That helps with the expense of caring for thm. Your college likely has a good day care on campus, especially if there is a School of Education as part of the curriculum.

But never mind that, It was wrong of me to even think that two adult siblings should take any responsibility for two younger siblings who have no one else to turn to and who will have just lost their daddy. Geez.

Too bad we don't have orphanages here you can take them to.

 

[AdamS]

A few things:

1. I understand everyone's "morals" argument. It is a valid one, but not the advice I am looking for.

2. My dad has benn divorced 4 times in my lifetime, and I have become determined that I will not suffer the consequences of his stupidity. Unfortunately, my young step brothers will, but I have for to long.

3. I am not dropping out of school under any circumstances.

4. My dad has no money. He owns about $40,000 in the house, but it all goes to one of his ex-wives.

5. Some of you are not thinking realistically. I live in a dorm room, 12 ft by 12 ft. So does my brother and sister. One cannot just move out of a dorm and into a house/apartment overnight. We are all unemployed, except for small on-campus jobs (WE are in College!). Children require a home, not a dorm room; a full time job with benefits, not McDonalds; money, not broke; and a willing care taker, not a college student forced to drop out and find a low pay blue collar job.

6. Some of you are saying that we should drop out of school, get a low pay job, take on two young boys whom we don't know, and raise them. This is insane. I do not now have children for several reasons, many the same as why I should not have children now:

1. I don't want children at this time in my life.
2. I am in college, and will graduate.
3. I have no clue on how to raise children.
4. I have no money.

It would be unfair to those to boys for me to take them.

I am aksing advice on what to do when they need somewhere to go, and where will they most likely go?

 

[binghamv]

options

Your local DSS or DHS may be able to help you investigate options. Don't let $$ be a primary concern.

Both children are at or near an age when they should be in school at least part of the time (reducing day care costs).

Both children will likely receive survivor benefits from social security upon your father's death, and may be elegible for benefits from mom and dad's SS even now.

Guardianships are usually available, in which you or a relative receive $$ to care for the children and their health care is covered by the county.

Financial aid programs often offer more money to students with children.


Programs are available in some states to send in a parenting aide to help you, or your brother, or your dad, or your brother's grandmother to care for them.

in-family adoption/outside adoption are options.

Don't rush into something you might regret later but talk with DSS and see if they can address some of your concerns.

 

[Seanscott]

Finish school, get married, and just dump the kids on the state.
That's really what you want to hear isn't it?

 

[nextwife]

And just imagine how good you'll feel knowing that if anything ever happened to you and your future wife, your siblings feel no responsibility for their family and would have no problem about dumping YOUR kids into the "system". We wouldn't want them to have to make any adjutments at all if it's inconvenient for them.

I'm mom to a child whose family dumped her into the "system". I could only take one. Left behind in her orphanage were 98 other deserving babies who needed mommies and daddies because people who want families evidentally only want to reproduce and have no interest in kids alrready born into the world. These are YOUR siblings, whether you wanted it or not these little ones NEED their family. The future is very grim for most kids "left behind". It breaks my heart, because I know how affected these kids are emotionally and developmentally.

 

[stealth2]

Situations like this just make me shake my head. I hope your fiancee likes what she's getting.

 

[GA.SMof2]

Reality Check

From you post, it appears that you have made no emotional connection with your half-siblings, especially if you feel the best choice is to make them wards of the state after your father's death. You stated that 1) you were soon obtaining your bacherlor's and 2) your expect your father to live for the short term (1-2 years). That said, it appears you will have already graduated from college and will be obtain a better paying job than "McDonalds".

I have a friend who was married, had TWINS (infants), held a full-time career (not Mickey D's), and still obtained his MBA through night school. You need to get your priorities in order. If you devise a plan and focus on the needs of your family and not yourself, you can still achieve what you want.

To be honest, if I was your fiancee' and knew that you wanted to kick your family to the curb because of your selfishness, I would leave you in the dust.

Be a man...work with your college age siblings to devise a future plan to take care of your half-siblings. I have step-siblings (not related by blood) and I would never thought of walking away from them if something had happened.

 

[Tinaa]

Using your blind sister as an excuse is a copout! She is competent enough to go to college, I'm sure she can take care of herself. I know a couple of blind people who would be extremely insulted that you would claim they need "taken care of." You are being very selfish. It is probably just as well you don't get your hands on these children. Perhaps your blind sister can take them in.