bribing the children?

[ICUB4ER]

What is the name of your state? Kansas

My kids just came home from spending the night with their dad and were kinda grumpy. When I asked them what was wrong, they told me that stbx's girlfriend bugs them about chosing to live with him every time he has them.
This time she promised them each a horse if they would choose to live with their dad. Last week, when they got their, they had bought the kids a 4-wheeler and told them that they should live with their dad if they want to have nice things like that, because I obviously can't afford to buy them things like that because I'm too lazy to get a job. The week before that was a new Gamecube and 20 games, and the week before that was a huge 2-person go-kart, and a brand new set of $1200 bunkbeds that he let the girls pick out at the furniture store. The girlfriend has also been questioning the kids every time they are with dad as to whether or not I am dating anyone. The kids tell her no, dad and I are still married. Girlfriend then told the kids "that doesn't matter cause he's never coming back anyway". Is there ANY way to keep the kids away from her and out of those situations??? STBX is always present when these statements are made to the kids by his girlfriend, yet he never tells her to SHUT UP. The kids are 10 and 13 year old girls. We are still waiting to go to court, the waiting period was up the first week of December.

 

[trustknow1]

This is a psychological nightmare that many of us have faced at some point in our lives. Unfortunately, it is ugly an side, and the price we pay, for living in America. Everything seems to be reduced to monetary significance.

Just as there is truth in the fact that "There will always be somebody that has a bigger gun than you do", there is also truth in the Beatles' words "Money can't buy me love".

It can buy power, but not love. Love is constant, power is opportunistic. Even kids know that_____or will find out....that is, IF you are the role model they need to reinforce it....

You cannot control what happens when your children are with your ex. You cannot prevent your kids from exposure to sex, drugs, money, rock & roll, and people with poor character. You CAN be a role model for them, so they (hopefully) make the right decisions when they encounter these things in life. Refusing to "defend yourself" against, or "participate in".... monetary power plays and character assassinations initiated by your ex or his "friends" is the best thing you can do as a parent. (although it may not appear that way in the short term heat of the battle). Our job is to be a parent, not a friend.

"I Refuse to argue with an idiot, because they only drag you down to their level**************.then beat you with experience".

Don't assume your kids believe everything they see and hear. I don't know about you,...but it would take more than a go-kart to turn my loyalty and love for my parents**************.how bout' you?

Now go open your presents and have a Merry Christmas. lol

 

[tandkchoate]

I agree with trustknow1 -- kids will see right through all of his "money" ploys, and it will not change the fact that you are their mother. Go Karts are fun, but when it comes down to it, and you need safety, security and consistency-- they will know who to look for.

Merry Christmas!

Kel

 

[Inquiry123]

Devil's Advocate...

What is the name of your state? Kansas

My kids just came home from spending the night with their dad and were kinda grumpy. When I asked them what was wrong, they told me that stbx's girlfriend bugs them about chosing to live with him every time he has them.
This time she promised them each a horse if they would choose to live with their dad. Last week, when they got their, they had bought the kids a 4-wheeler and told them that they should live with their dad if they want to have nice things like that, because I obviously can't afford to buy them things like that because I'm too lazy to get a job. The week before that was a new Gamecube and 20 games, and the week before that was a huge 2-person go-kart, and a brand new set of $1200 bunkbeds that he let the girls pick out at the furniture store. The girlfriend has also been questioning the kids every time they are with dad as to whether or not I am dating anyone. The kids tell her no, dad and I are still married. Girlfriend then told the kids "that doesn't matter cause he's never coming back anyway". Is there ANY way to keep the kids away from her and out of those situations??? STBX is always present when these statements are made to the kids by his girlfriend, yet he never tells her to SHUT UP. The kids are 10 and 13 year old girls. We are still waiting to go to court, the waiting period was up the first week of December.

QUESTIONS: Are you lazy? Do you have a job? Can you afford to buy the children things like that? Are you dating anyone? Is he ever coming back? Does Dad love those kids? Does Dad want to be the residential parent? Why? Do you? What are STBSM's stats (age, looks, money)? Are we talking REAL horses or just Shetland ponies?

OBSERVATIONS: You seem pretty well informed on the going-ons at Dad's...do you encourage the children to elaborate on time spent at Dad's? It's unwise to put too much weight on dialog quoted by adolescents. How do you respond to the children's disclosures?

ADVICE: It's a two-way street. Have your att'y include a stipulation in your decree that requires that both parents not speak poorly of each other (and to not permit others to do so in the presence of the children.)

ADVICE FOR GUYS: Telling a girlfriend to SHUT UP is not a good idea...save that communication technique for marriage.

 

[ICUB4ER]

QUESTIONS: Are you lazy? no Do you have a job? no Can you afford to buy the children things like that? no, and even when I could, I didn't. I don't believe in "buying" my children. I spend quality time with them. Are you dating anyone? no, I AM still married Is he ever coming back? no, not after seeing this side of him, it's completely out of the question Does Dad love those kids? honestly, I am beginning to wonder really Does Dad want to be the residential parent? yes Why? He said that he can't afford to pay child support and still be able to buy things he wants. He brings home over 6k a month! Do you? yes, I love my children and have been a stay at home mom their entire life. What are STBSM's stats (age, looks, money)? married and still living with her husband who thinks that she and my stbx are still just good friends, same age as stbx, average looks, works 3 jobs, has 4 kids Are we talking REAL horses or just Shetland ponies? very real, HUGE horses

OBSERVATIONS: You seem pretty well informed on the going-ons at Dad's...do you encourage the children to elaborate on time spent at Dad's? no, they start telling me things as soon as they hit the door It's unwise to put too much weight on dialog quoted by adolescents. How do you respond to the children's disclosures? I try to change the subject so I don't say anything negative. As far as the gifts/bribes, I ask them if they had fun playing with them and had a good time.

ADVICE: It's a two-way street. Have your att'y include a stipulation in your decree that requires that both parents not speak poorly of each other (and to not permit others to do so in the presence of the children.)that is already included in the temp order.

ADVICE FOR GUYS: Telling a girlfriend to SHUT UP is not a good idea...save that communication technique for marriage.

 

[stealth2]

Honestly? Considering the ages of your children, there is no earthly reason why you should not be able to work at least part-time and help provide some of their - and your own - support.

As for the comments from the g/f? Teach your kids some coping skills. When my ex would stay things about me, mine would either zone out on something else (like a book or listening to music) or leave the room.