Can stepmom have more rights than me?

[Jillian483]

I also hope you aren't encouraging or reinforcing this idea to them. If so look for problems in the future when you have teens on your hand and upset with you over something and BM tells then you cut her out of their life and she tried so hard and the whole sad story. It will come back to bite you. If anything is said negative, and believe me I know negative, I always say that she has her reasons, or she/he knows that you are better off with us because we can offer you more stability right now, or sometimes people need different things, just because they aren't a part of your life right now doesn't mean they don't still love you very much and know you are taking care of, they just have to settle themself and sometimes it hard.

Never under any circumstances belittle BP. It's not healthy at all, even though it may feel like a conspiracy and bond you closer.

No I don't encourage the children to hate their mom at all. How they feel about her she has done to herself. It's hard to love and trust someone when the lie to you all of the time. She once told the kids that she had these big plans to take them to disney land. Two weeks later she told them that their daddie would not let them go. Well as it turns out, she never even told daddie and wound up not having enough money for the trip so to make herself look better she blamed it on daddie. It is this and a long list of other things that has resulted in the relationship that she has with the children. you wanna know the depressing part? She has sole cusotdy because of her lies in court and the fact that we have no way to prove she is lying and she knows it so she keeps on doing it. His ex had no interest in the children til she found out how much she could get in child support. You know what she does now? She quit her job and lives off of the child support while the children go to school in clothes that don't fit or are shabby. She did it to herself there was nothing we could do about it.

 

[nolegirl1990]

i know how you feel

I am living a similar situation. The only thing better about mine is my son does not call his step mom "mom" and my ex husband's wife works more than I do!When we go to sport events for my son, they call up the "parents"to take pictures or talk about things she runs up in the front to beat me out and like you said. Most people at the events thing she is my son's mom. Many times people ask me "who is your son?"
First, you need to discuss with the school the situation. Legally, with new legislation now in place, school records are available to both bio parents and stepparents have rights only if the bio parent is unavailable.
You definately need to change that emergency card....I fill out all of my child's school information. I never even listed my son's stepmom.
I think too, that alot of the respect of "knowing her role" lies with Dad. He is allowing her to "take over".
I have to say my ex does not allow her to have my son call her Mom and her kids do not call him dad.
So sit down with Dad and have a chat. Then I would chat with step mom and then with my kids.
Good Luck

 

[styl4u64]

Yes,,

I would hope that the BM would have more tact and maturity to say it in privacy with her child. And I would hope that she would be secure enough to not simply tell them that they need to stop calling her such. They don't need to...you want them to. And you have every right to explain to them that you are the BM and that it hurts your feelings that they want to give the Mom title to someone else. But you also don't have the right to make them feel guilty or scared about it.

Very true, the quote above, but no guilt should lie upon any child. Young children have to rely on the adults and by their example.And
if the child is secure in their biological mother/father and their 'role',
then there shouldn't be any confusion in the child's mind. Less
a stepmother/father has been feeding a vulnerable child over and over who is whom and can only convince a child 'against' a biological parent.
Still, if the 'bio' parent
is totally in the child's life no other person can take the child's belief in the 'real' bio-mom/dad and if a stepparent or bioparent has these issues then we need to look at our own roles as we are within the child.

 

[mrsbrown]

I am secure in my role and I can't help it if other SM or BM aren't. I also don't think it should be up to the kids to make adults feel more secure either. If they want to call me Mom or Val or Second Mom....I really don't care. It isn't out of revenge or planting some seed against the BM, I just don't have to live my life making up for the lack of involvement the BM has. It isn't my job to make her play a important role in their lives...it is her job. As I have said before sometimes there is a reason the kids are reaching out and giving this title to others and sometimes it is just kids being kids.

 

[styl4u64]

The reply I wrote was to the bioparent and stepparent. I read your reply and have to say that although I used your 'quote' I meant the message for
all
parties involved. If the biomom/dad have the true relationship with their child than the step/significant other should not be subject in question of who's who to any child. I do not believe a child should even need to 'sit down' with any party at all as there should be no question in the child's mind who is mom and dad in the first place if all were doing for that child like we should.

 

[Cindergretta]

OP, i am so sorry to hear about your situation. i imagine that this must be very difficult for you. i do believe the step mom, school and whomever is promoting the behavior of the step mom is out of line. i imagine that she probably does not realize what she is doing, but is probably trying to bond with your son. or on the other hand she could be doing something malicious, but i would try to assign positive intent. possibly you could do everything to correct the situation with the school and possibly a sit down chat with the ex and step mom to praise her for all the good things but maybe let her know in some very nice way that you feel uncomfortable with what she is doing? i bet when they start having kids of their own she will probably back down on what she is doing and possibly that could happen before you would have to confront her about it? in our settlement it is specifically going to spell out that no one other than myself and STBX is going to be called "mom" and "dad". my children are 2 and 4 so if either of us was to remarry then with them being so young that could easily happen. so i do worry about someone being called "mom" other than myself also. when they are so young in the elementary years the difference between a "mom" and "step mom" isn't much when you are in a shared parenting situation. (((HUGS)))

 

[tigger22472]

Hi All. Thanks for the replies and the discussion we got into about who should tell my son not to call SM "Mom". Fact is, I told him myself. You see - my ex moved 1.5 hours away to be with SM and marry her. Rather than create a situation where one of us had sole custody, I offered to get a job over an hour away and I drive 2+ hours every day to make things work with my ex, my son and SM. Needless to say, my son is in the car with me quite a bit on some days and it gives us the perfect opportunity to discuss things. I simply told him that he should not call her Mom anymore than I would call him "Cynthia" - a cute name I call him when he accidentally calls me Dad. He's only 6. He understood and there seemed to be no hard feelings. I guess he didn't think it would bother me because I have been excessively supportive of SM.

So, can anyone offer some suggestions on what to do about her excessive involvement at school? I don't mind her participation on days/times I can't be there. But she is there so often, I never have time to be alone with my son - no even on my custodial days. Also, she fails to inform me of playdates, school activies and conveniently doesn't pass along information she receives from other parents. This has been going on for over a year.

Any advice?

I agree I haven't read all of the responses yet but I feel compelled to respond now. Firstly, I do think you are possibly over reacting and taking more out on the step-mom then you should be when the problem does lie with the school more then step-mom. If YOU want to be informed of these things and also contacted then YOU need to let the school know. The BM in my situation also works a lot but she and I both do things at the school and for her child(ren) and one of them isn't even my step-child. I've worked concessions at a ballgame for HER son before as she couldn't do it due to her work schedule. The only difference going on right now is that my step-daughters teacher will talk to me about their daughters problems and won't BM's new boyfriend. This teacher remembers me from when she had BM's son in her class so she knows I've been around for a while. When there is a problem she DOES call mom's house also but will only speak to mom and then calls our home. She let's me or my husband know if she has or has not gotten ahold of mom and knows we'll call and let her know. This same school however, for years would call mom and NEVER call dad. Somewhat like you they have 50/50 only it's 2 weeks at each home. If my step-daughter got sick at school they would call mom's home and if there wasn't an answer they would let her remain there sick ... and if by the end of the day they hadn't reached mom they would let either my husband or I take her home (even when she was at our home) mainly because they wanted to go home themselves. My husband went to the school and reminded them that he was the father and he expected to be informed of things also and get phone calls. It worked.

Seconly as far as the issue of calling step-mom mom... not sure I see a problem other then your own insecurities. The BM in my situation is MUCH like you and has made it very clear to me that her daughter is never to call me mom. My step-daughter is 9 and I've been in her life since she was 4. A year and a half ago she asked me if she could call me mom and I had to tell her No. THE ONLY reason I did was because I already knew how mom felt about it. However, my step-daughter was told that the reason we did say know was because we needed to respect her mother's feelings and that maybe when she was older things would change and she would be given the option to call me mom if that was her choice. She sees that my husband calls both his step-parents mom and dad and it never takes away from the biological parent. My step-daughter was upset that she was not allowed to do this and it broke my heart that her mom was so insecure that she couldn't deal with it. In high school I had called my best friend's parents, mom and dad and not once did it take away from my mother. She was secure in knowing she was my mother. I think you will show your child more harm by now telling him that he can't call step-mom mom when he's been doing it already. If this was an issue it should of been brought up a long time ago.

 

[CBBeacon]

Answers to your questions

Thanks again everyone - this has been great! Several of you had questions and perhaps if I answer them it will help to clarify. I HAVE sat down with the school and aftercare and asked them to keep me equally informed. I've even put it in writing. They have failed to do so despite repeated reminders. I HAVE sat down with the ex to explain how I feel about things and he said he doesn't really care. I am involved with the school plenty - attend PTO, publish the school newspaper, volunteered at the Fall Fair, etc. So it is not like I am an absentee Mom. I take him to karate class and chaperone fieldtrips. I am very much involved in his life. The issue about my son calling her Mom just came up recently. He had been calling her by her first name since 2003. I don't know why it became "mom" 2 years later except that SM is "ramping" up her involvement since she was laid-off 4 months ago.

I never told you this but I am a stepmom as well - to 3 more sons. So I know the "rules" and boundaries from the other side. I would never try to usurp their mother's role and I certainly wouldn't show up at Parent/Child activities without letting her know my intentions. I don't attend their PTO meetings or parent teacher conferences because that's for her and my husband to take care of.

Thanks again for all of your help - I will try to sit down with SM and talk about this. If nothing else, I will be no worse off than I am now, right? Good luck to all of you!

-Not insecure BM who just wants to be treated with the respect I give out

 

[Jillian483]

Thanks again everyone - this has been great! Several of you had questions and perhaps if I answer them it will help to clarify. I HAVE sat down with the school and aftercare and asked them to keep me equally informed. I've even put it in writing. They have failed to do so despite repeated reminders. I HAVE sat down with the ex to explain how I feel about things and he said he doesn't really care. I am involved with the school plenty - attend PTO, publish the school newspaper, volunteered at the Fall Fair, etc. So it is not like I am an absentee Mom. I take him to karate class and chaperone fieldtrips. I am very much involved in his life. The issue about my son calling her Mom just came up recently. He had been calling her by her first name since 2003. I don't know why it became "mom" 2 years later except that SM is "ramping" up her involvement since she was laid-off 4 months ago.

I never told you this but I am a stepmom as well - to 3 more sons. So I know the "rules" and boundaries from the other side. I would never try to usurp their mother's role and I certainly wouldn't show up at Parent/Child activities without letting her know my intentions. I don't attend their PTO meetings or parent teacher conferences because that's for her and my husband to take care of.

Thanks again for all of your help - I will try to sit down with SM and talk about this. If nothing else, I will be no worse off than I am now, right? Good luck to all of you!

-Not insecure BM who just wants to be treated with the respect I give out

If it doesn't work out with SM then I would go back to court and have stipulations put in. Some to think about are:
- SM will not be referred to as mom by any person. If it is done then it shall be corrected immediatle
- Biological Parents shall have the first optione to attend all school activities. If mother is not going to attend then Sm shall have the option of then attending. If BM and SM do adivertinly show up at the same event. The child shall be with the BM. If mother would like SM to leave she shall do so.
I don't know how much of that you could do legally but I would look into it if it is really important to you.

 

[tigger22472]

If it doesn't work out with SM then I would go back to court and have stipulations put in. Some to think about are:
- SM will not be referred to as mom by any person. If it is done then it shall be corrected immediatle
- Biological Parents shall have the first optione to attend all school activities. If mother is not going to attend then Sm shall have the option of then attending. If BM and SM do adivertinly show up at the same event. The child shall be with the BM. If mother would like SM to leave she shall do so.
I don't know how much of that you could do legally but I would look into it if it is really important to you.

Firstly the only way it could POSSIBLY be put in an order is if it was more vague then that.
A judge is not going call SM out. IF and ONLY IF the judge would allow it it would read that the child is to not call EITHER step-parent by a parental name (i.e Mom OR Dad). As far as the activities that is even less likely to get in an order but again if it did it would say that the parents have first right to do things for school and if they are unavailable then the step-parents shall be next to be called. The problem with this and taking it to court is that for one the school things ARE the problem of the school and the fact remains that the child DOES benefit from someone being there and it's unlikely unless mom can prove PAS (which is more and more being thrown out) or that step-mom is a danger. The judge is more then likely to see these things as petty.

 

[luvsherkid]

I have had the same thing happen! When my daughter was in 1st grade, I could not go to the forst PTA meeting of the year. When they drew the room parents name out of the hat, my ex's wife accepted the "job" even though we havew the same name. I found out about it after the Halloween party and called the school and they hemmed and hawed and basically said "sorry" nothing we can do! I suggested, ONLY as a compromise that we split the school year and they again declined. My ex and I share custody so this was not a matter of my being non-custodial. Unfortunately, this is still going on six years latter and has only gotten worse. My ex had my daughter call his wife mom from the time she was 1. It is still a major issue and I have trouble dealing with it but I make sure everyone involved knows I am the birth mother and that just because I am not always involved (NOT by my choice) I love her none the less. The court also has ordered they inform me of ALL activities, but, they do not comply and I cannot afford a lawyer to continually go to court.

 

[stepof3mom]

LA

As a Stepmom I have a few things I'd like to say. First, I agree with everyone that the school's contact card should have BM as MOM. Then SM should be listed as emergency contact. I am listed extremely far down on the list on my Skids list. Her sisters and mother and everyone but Dad's family is listed.
Second, I am very active at my skids school because BM isn't. Who knows why she isn't. She doesn't have a job right now and goes to school in the evening when she should be at home with her kids. I volunteer and substitute at the school all the time. Everyone knows me as their SM. Yes I get comments like "your son or daughter does so well with math." I ALWAYS correct them if they call them my kids. The other kids in the school call me their mom too, but I still always correct them.
Dad wishes to ge more info from the teachers because BM never lets him know if things are going on or not. Recently SS was getting failing grades and BM wanted Dad to fix the problem he was having. He found this out after he'd been getting them for 2 months. BM wants the credit but Dad has to fix it.
Third, I believe if the kids are calling their SM "MOM" don't punish them for it. If SM is MAKING them call her MOM then I'd say something to BD about this. The skids should be able to call their SM what they are comfortable with. Mine call me by my first name with MRS in front. SS at one time wanted to call me MOM too but MOM said NO. He said she is a STEP "MOM". So why not. I don't mind if they do or not.
I am active in my Skids lives at school and otherwise because BM hasn't been. She has seen alot of people call me their mom because she is never around or takes time out of her schedule. She always does things for HER and not the kids. I would rather them have a "mom" there for them than not one at all. I get asked to do alot because MOM is too busy. WOULD YOU MOMS RATHER YOUR CHILD HAVE NO ONE THERE FOR THEM IF YOU COULDN'T BE THERE? Yes I know some of you will say they would rather have no one there if they couldn't be there because of thier SM. I know there are "evil Stepmom's" outthere. I am not one of them. BM hates me because I have a very good relationship with her kids. I have done things for them and with them that she WON'T do. The kids are old enough to see everything now.
I was raised without a Dad and I hated it. I also was raised without my mom at school functions and she worked alot. I was able to get away with alot and do alot she didn't know about. I am not letting these kids have the same parenting I had. I want better for them.
Believe me, I don't want to take BM place and I don't force myself on the kids. But they can benifit from another mom just as well.

 

[Jillian483]

I can't believe how long this post is

 

[curiouscat623]

If it doesn't work out with SM then I would go back to court and have stipulations put in. Some to think about are:
- SM will not be referred to as mom by any person. If it is done then it shall be corrected immediatle
- Biological Parents shall have the first optione to attend all school activities. If mother is not going to attend then Sm shall have the option of then attending. If BM and SM do adivertinly show up at the same event. The child shall be with the BM. If mother would like SM to leave she shall do so.
I don't know how much of that you could do legally but I would look into it if it is really important to you.

Unless the SM is a proven danger to the child there is no way in hell that you could get an order stating that SM cannot attend a function if BM is there. "If BM would like SM to leave she shall do so?" Where are you getting your legal information from?

 

[helen7]

What??????

If it doesn't work out with SM then I would go back to court and have stipulations put in. Some to think about are:
- SM will not be referred to as mom by any person. If it is done then it shall be corrected immediatle
- Biological Parents shall have the first optione to attend all school activities. If mother is not going to attend then Sm shall have the option of then attending. If BM and SM do adivertinly show up at the same event. The child shall be with the BM. If mother would like SM to leave she shall do so.
I don't know how much of that you could do legally but I would look into it if it is really important to you.

Can you possibly be serious???? Try explaining that one to the kids. "Sorry honey....dad would like to stay and see your play...but mom dosnt want your SM here and since we rode here together...I have to go. The judge said so." Give me a break! While your at it...why dont you add in there that SM can not feed the kids...cuz that is a BM thing to do. SM shall not bathe the chilldren...it interfers with BM's bonding time. Dont even think about reading my kids a book at bedtime either! Get real!