Can This Actually Happen

[stevens1103]

What is the name of your state?Iowa

My husband's ex-wife is threatening to file a no-contact order against me for their two children, my step-children. We have visitation on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

Because their mother neglects the children (out 3-4 nights a week), I have no respect for her. The children have heard me say unpleasant things about her, which I try to subside, but find it difficult sometimes.

Last night, their daughter told her that I said that I hated their mom. I probably did, but not meaning for them to hear. I actually didn't say that I hated her, but did say that she wasn't welcome in our home for an upcoming birthday party for my biological son.

Now their mother is contacting an attorney for a no-contact order.

I have never touched the children (such as spankings), but have disciplined when needed...i.e.; going to their room, etc.

Are my actions, when talking about their mother, considered abuse? Are there enough grounds to file an order?

She is also on welfare and has no $$ to pay for an attorney. Does this justify a free attorney being supplied for her? Should I consult an attorney now?

Thanks, in advance, for your assistance.

 

[tigger22472]

Yes, it could be enough to get the no contact order against you. What you are doing can be considered... A. Emotional abuse or B. PAS (Parent alienation syndrome). You should NEVER EVER speak about the mother that way when the children can hear. MY GOD, they are ONLY around one evening a week and every other weekend. You can't shut your mouth about her while they are there? I mean even you admit saying these things around the children.

 

[stealth2]

Well, I'd bet that your husband's divorce order has some verbiage that he shall not - nor permit others to - badmouth the children's mother within the children's hearing (and vice-versa). Quite frankly, you need to learn to control your mouth. Surely you could do that for six or so days a month when they're having time with their Dad, doncha think?

And good for her for making a point of it. Too bad Dad didn't see fit to do it before it got to this point.

 

[gml659]

NO Bad-Mouthing.

My Ex did this to my kids and really screwed them up. You have NO RIGHT to bad-mouth their Mom.

You HAVE to hold your tongue. Judging from your post you seem to think the kids should know "THE TRUTH".

The truth is immaterial. These are HER kids and to make HER look bad in their eyes is wrong!!! These kids are half of her.

I WOULD suggest some counseling.

GML (aka GIMLET)

YES....THERE ARE SYNTAX/SPELLING ERRORS
YES.....I TOOK MY MEDS.
YES.....I HAVE AN ATTORNEY

 

[stevens1103]

First, I don't think the responses needed to be so rude. I only asked about whether this justified a no contact order. I didn't need personal comments. And, after reading about PAS, that synario is stretching it a bit.

Ths situation was, after hearing my step-daughter talk about her mother for 2 hours and biting my tongue, I said to her that I didn't want her mother at my son's birthday party. I don't think it's considered emotional abuse because I don't like their mother. They were aware of that. And, I know she has expressed the same about me to them.

My husband's ex thought that I made her daugher upset because of my comments about hating her. When in fact, her daughter was upset because she was disciplined for pooping her pants before she left our house. She didn't want to tell her mom the truth, because she knew she would be in trouble.

Instead, blame it on step-mom. This has happened before, my step-son accused me of being mean to him, when in fact, we found out later he said it after being coaxed by his mother. He admitted to his father that he had lied.

This woman will never earn my respect if she continues to do the things she does....for instance, she takes them to babysitter after babysitter every day. The kids wake up Sunday morning during our weekend, asking us where they are going to be that night. They spend more time somewhere else than they do at home. My husband's family doesn't help the situation when they have them 3-4 nights a week, buying them clothes, hair cuts, school lunches, school supplies, etc. They don't even call and ask to spend time with our son, also their grandchild. This week, the kids got new coats from grandma. My son is squeezing into his coat from last year because we don't have the money right now to get one for him.

We just bought a house (so the kids could have their own room, they don't anywhere else), pay for daycare, health insurance for all the kids, and child support and get no help, support, etc. from his family.

I know it sounds like my anger is more towards my in-laws than the ex. I think it's both. I'm meeting with a counselor starting next week to help deal with my feelings. It's not healthy to keep it all bottled up inside.

The kids will grow up to learn what a loser their mother is without my assistance, I know just in the weekends we have them, I do more with them than she does all week. However, I don't get any kind of affection back from them, they just expect it from me. It's like I'm this person who cooks, cleans, does laundry and buys them things. No emotional attachment whatsoever. I don't even like going to any of their activities, because I'm non-existent. They act like I'm not even there. All they seem to care about is what I need to buy for them or what toy grandma got them this week.

With counseling I hope to be able to release my feelings and frustrations with this situation and try to make the best of it. It should help me in understanding my relationship with my step-children and keep any negative comments about their mother, grandparents, and babsitter-hopping lives to myself.

 

[AHA]

First, I don't think the responses needed to be so rude. I only asked about whether this justified a no contact order. I didn't need personal comments. And, after reading about PAS, that synario is stretching it a bit.

Ths situation was, after hearing my step-daughter talk about her mother for 2 hours and biting my tongue, I said to her that I didn't want her mother at my son's birthday party. I don't think it's considered emotional abuse because I don't like their mother. They were aware of that. And, I know she has expressed the same about me to them.

My husband's ex thought that I made her daugher upset because of my comments about hating her. When in fact, her daughter was upset because she was disciplined for pooping her pants before she left our house. She didn't want to tell her mom the truth, because she knew she would be in trouble.

Instead, blame it on step-mom. This has happened before, my step-son accused me of being mean to him, when in fact, we found out later he said it after being coaxed by his mother. He admitted to his father that he had lied.

This woman will never earn my respect if she continues to do the things she does....for instance, she takes them to babysitter after babysitter every day. The kids wake up Sunday morning during our weekend, asking us where they are going to be that night. They spend more time somewhere else than they do at home. My husband's family doesn't help the situation when they have them 3-4 nights a week, buying them clothes, hair cuts, school lunches, school supplies, etc. They don't even call and ask to spend time with our son, also their grandchild. This week, the kids got new coats from grandma. My son is squeezing into his coat from last year because we don't have the money right now to get one for him.

We just bought a house (so the kids could have their own room, they don't anywhere else), pay for daycare, health insurance for all the kids, and child support and get no help, support, etc. from his family.

I know it sounds like my anger is more towards my in-laws than the ex. I think it's both. I'm meeting with a counselor starting next week to help deal with my feelings. It's not healthy to keep it all bottled up inside.

The kids will grow up to learn what a loser their mother is without my assistance, I know just in the weekends we have them, I do more with them than she does all week. However, I don't get any kind of affection back from them, they just expect it from me. It's like I'm this person who cooks, cleans, does laundry and buys them things. No emotional attachment whatsoever. I don't even like going to any of their activities, because I'm non-existent. They act like I'm not even there. All they seem to care about is what I need to buy for them or what toy grandma got them this week.

With counseling I hope to be able to release my feelings and frustrations with this situation and try to make the best of it. It should help me in understanding my relationship with my step-children and keep any negative comments about their mother, grandparents, and babsitter-hopping lives to myself.

The thing about what you say, is that you can say something that in your mind doesn't mean anything serious to someone who in their minds DOES mean something serious. Kids are more aware than people think. At least now you know how not to verbally behave in front of them. Good lesson for improvement.
I would be careful punishing any child for pooping or peeing in their pants, they are not doing it to spite you or because they love the feeling of mess in their pants. If they are really young, it's for obvious reasons, if they are older it's usually a sign of deeper problems. So work on trying to help the kid instead of punishing it for having possible serious issues.
I have since I was little had step parents on both sides, and the ones that showed no emotion or respect towards me got none in return. The kids haven't chosen you, but you have in a way chosen them by having a life with one of their parents, and you are the adult, so in many ways you have to take the first step. Talking about their mother in a negative way would make any kid dislike you. I would have shunned my step mother for life if she EVER had said anything bad about my real mom.

 

[stealth2]

she was disciplined for pooping her pants before she left our house

You disciplined the kid for messing her pants? Good parenting, there.

This woman will never earn my respect

Frankly, she doesn't need to earn your respect. She's the woman your husband chose before you to have kids with. If you have a problem with her, you also have a problem with his judgement.

I know it sounds like my anger is more towards my in-laws than the ex. I think it's both. I'm meeting with a counselor starting next week to help deal with my feelings. It's not healthy to keep it all bottled up inside.

It sure doesn't sound like you have any trouble releasing your feelings.

The kids will grow up to learn what a loser their mother is without my assistance

Or they may learn the same about you, when you tell them what you think of their mother. Maybe they'll pay back the favor by telling the same to their half-brother.

I don't get any kind of affection back from them

Has it occured to you that you are reaping what you've sown? They're supposed to shower you with love when you tell them that half of them is trash and a loser?