If I do decide to take it to court how and where do I start? As I said before we've never done anything through the courts, it was only in our divorce agreement and we only used one atty for that. Stupidly thinking that we could be civil. HA! That only lasted for about a year. And will CS be brought up? Not that he pays anywhere near what he should, but I'm not looking for an increase and that will be his first thought,I want them to have less time with him so he'll have to pay more. I think that's the real reason he doesn't want to change things, he told me initially that he wanted to keep this between us, because if the CS were to come directly out of his check his company would charge him a $10 fee for the extra paperwork. Little does he realize, if I went after the state minimum, he would be paying at least twice what I get from him. And he thinks he pays too much as it is. I guess that's what happens when the people you have advising you ( his friends) think he should declare bankruptcy like they did to avoid having to pay. If anyone can advise me on where to start this, I'd really appreciate it.
-
FreeAdvice has a new Terms of Service and Privacy Policy, effective May 25, 2018.
By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our Terms of Service and use of cookies.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
You should upgrade or use an alternative browser.
changing visitation due to child's wishes?
- Thread starter lisars
- Start date
Accident - Bankruptcy - Criminal Law / DUI - Business - Consumer - Employment - Family - Immigration - Real Estate - Tax - Traffic - Wills Please click a topic or scroll down for more.
I
Iamcraftier
Guest
How ridiculous some the replies from "the other shoe" sound. Custodial parents, by choice, give up their entire life to see to it that their children have as much enrichment in their liveds... I say too bad if some of those things fall on the ncp's time.
The children are the innocent pawns that do deserve to be normal children that go to sleep overs, birthday parties and play softball!!!!
I dont want to speak for all cp's but I work a full time job, commute 10 hours a week to get to that job, and I am also a girl scout leader. I also take my daughter (on my time) for various activities to better her. This is the exact role I performing prior to my separation. How much more should I give of my self so that my nc ex should't be inconvienced by letting my child live, learn and grow????
And how much inconvenience should outside parties (who out of the kindness of their own hearts) have to endure in trying to shuffle their schedules so that my child will be able to go to their child's bd party etc and not always feel left out????
The children are the innocent pawns that do deserve to be normal children that go to sleep overs, birthday parties and play softball!!!!
I dont want to speak for all cp's but I work a full time job, commute 10 hours a week to get to that job, and I am also a girl scout leader. I also take my daughter (on my time) for various activities to better her. This is the exact role I performing prior to my separation. How much more should I give of my self so that my nc ex should't be inconvienced by letting my child live, learn and grow????
And how much inconvenience should outside parties (who out of the kindness of their own hearts) have to endure in trying to shuffle their schedules so that my child will be able to go to their child's bd party etc and not always feel left out????
C
crystal2
Guest
Well, lisars, since you and your ex were married, I'm not too sure how you would go about it. My husband and his ex were not married and I think when there is a divorce decree its different. But I could be wrong on that. You might be able to file for a modification of custody and visitation. Child support is usually a seperate issue. If you can do without more child support, maybe you shouldnt request an increase; that might make your ex more willing to agree to a change in visitation. I would suggest finding a website or calling your local courthouse. A lot of cities have self help centers or law libraries where you can do research and get the forms that you will need to file.
C
crystal2
Guest
Lamcraftier, I can see your point, but I dont agree that if the kid is busy on the NCP's weekend, your response would just be "oh well". I would agree if the NCP moved away, out of town, or whatever, than that would be their problem- they shouldn't have moved. But I dont think a kid needs to be involved in activities that take up every single weekend or evening during the week. The NCP's time is important too. You say that cps give up their lives for their children- well, a lot of NCPs do also. My point is that a child can have after school and weekend activities and still be able to see the NCP. If both parents live in the same city, the NCP can take them to their games or bd parties or wherever. If one parent has moved to another city, then that parent has a problem.
crystal2, He's not the one that's moved out of town,we are. We moved an hour and a half away over a year ago. But, that isn't even the big problem, it's his refusal to accomodate even the slightest deviation from the every other weekend routine. But I am expected to shift any plans we make for our weekends if something comes up for him. It may be childish but I'm to the point that if he is so stubborn about being flexible, so can I .And I'm far more pigheaded than he could ever dream to be. I do agree that kids are over-scheduled far too much these days, but if she wants to do something, she's been unable due to the fact that he's so unwilling to allow us to reschedule his time. And he's not one of those NCPs that gives up ANYTHING for his kids. If you've read any of my earlier posts, you know what I mean. So forgive me that I don't feel too bad for him.He is destroying his own relationship with them. I just don't see how a parent could willingly give that up. My husband is more than thrilled to be Dad to these fantastic kids. Too bad their biological dad doesn't seem to be so excited about being a dad anymore.
C
crystal2
Guest
lisars- I agree with you. I was responding to lamcraftier. Both parents should be flexible, it shouldnt just be one. I'm off work now so I'll talk to you all Monday!
I
Iamcraftier
Guest
I too agree with the comments made but the key word is flexibility by both the ncp and the cp.... and I also agree that the child can have to many activities....
I guess my real anger comes because I do all the running and re arranging of my schedule so that my child is not deprived of a "normal" childhood, my ex on the other hand denies my daughter going to her activities such as friends bd parties because it is far more important for his g/f's children to go to theirs....
I therefore have no sympathy toward the court ordering him to take the child to her activities!
And by the way, not only do we live in the same town... he is "unemployed" and lives around the corner.... He just hasn't figured out yet that he is not spiting me!!!
Sorry... my original statement stands... too bad if her activities fall on his time!!!
I guess my real anger comes because I do all the running and re arranging of my schedule so that my child is not deprived of a "normal" childhood, my ex on the other hand denies my daughter going to her activities such as friends bd parties because it is far more important for his g/f's children to go to theirs....
I therefore have no sympathy toward the court ordering him to take the child to her activities!
And by the way, not only do we live in the same town... he is "unemployed" and lives around the corner.... He just hasn't figured out yet that he is not spiting me!!!
Sorry... my original statement stands... too bad if her activities fall on his time!!!
Hopefully, good news. Last night she talked to her dad and SHE actually told him that she didn't want to go to Atlantic City during her stay there. He told her no problem, if she didn't want to ,they just wouldn't go. Another week and a half till we see if he'll keep his promises. There's always a first for everything, I guess.
C
cott2
Guest
alot on my mind and a long message.
lisars,
my advice to you is to take it into court,i was in there myself on july 6th because of my ex bad mouthing us and threatening to take my daughter away from me and mentally abusing my girl.the judge told him one more time he sees him in there for this and he will slap a show cause on him for not following the court orders.the ex isn't suppossed to say anything about us to my daughter and he is not allowed to harrass me but he is doing it again and now i refuse to talk to him so my husband does but this weekend he couldn't make the court appt. pickup time last night so he aked if he could get her today,i agreed and when he came to pick her up he got smart with my husband and my husband hit the ex right in the face and the ex got a warrant for assault against my husband.that's the bad thing about it,they push and push until they hit the right button and you blow up and then you are the one getting into trouble and possibly going to jail,hopefully the judge that handled my case with the ex can somehow speak to the other judge and let him know that the ex went against the court order and the charges will get dropped or he'll just get a fine.my husband feels really bad for what he did and letting him push him to the point of hitting him but there is only so much one person can take.don't let it get this far like we did,take it to court and defend your children and don't worry about what you are going to have to put up with dealing with the ex after court,i was scared to death of court and standing up to my ex but i did it and you can too,be strong for your kids,they will love you more for it later and you'll also be proud of yourself too.i also have been watching my girl cry over what her dad has said and done and when she told me "momma,my heart hurts"and i asked her"why",she said "because of all the things that daddy is saying and doing to us and i don't think he really loves me",God that was the worst emotional pain i've ever felt in my life,but it wasn't pain for me, it was pain that i felt for my beautiful,innocent little girl who shouldn't ever have to go through anything like this in her life and if i can take away that pain in her heart then i will and give my life doing it.i'll file papers on monday and take him back to court and hopefully the judge can teach him that he is wrong for what he is doing to her and if that means jail time for the ex then that's the way it has to be.i have alot on my mind still tonight and i'm glad that i have you all reading what i wrote here and maybe my situation and advice can help one of you.sorry this was so long.thanks for "listening".good luck to all of you,and thanks for letting me vent some frustrations.
lisars,
my advice to you is to take it into court,i was in there myself on july 6th because of my ex bad mouthing us and threatening to take my daughter away from me and mentally abusing my girl.the judge told him one more time he sees him in there for this and he will slap a show cause on him for not following the court orders.the ex isn't suppossed to say anything about us to my daughter and he is not allowed to harrass me but he is doing it again and now i refuse to talk to him so my husband does but this weekend he couldn't make the court appt. pickup time last night so he aked if he could get her today,i agreed and when he came to pick her up he got smart with my husband and my husband hit the ex right in the face and the ex got a warrant for assault against my husband.that's the bad thing about it,they push and push until they hit the right button and you blow up and then you are the one getting into trouble and possibly going to jail,hopefully the judge that handled my case with the ex can somehow speak to the other judge and let him know that the ex went against the court order and the charges will get dropped or he'll just get a fine.my husband feels really bad for what he did and letting him push him to the point of hitting him but there is only so much one person can take.don't let it get this far like we did,take it to court and defend your children and don't worry about what you are going to have to put up with dealing with the ex after court,i was scared to death of court and standing up to my ex but i did it and you can too,be strong for your kids,they will love you more for it later and you'll also be proud of yourself too.i also have been watching my girl cry over what her dad has said and done and when she told me "momma,my heart hurts"and i asked her"why",she said "because of all the things that daddy is saying and doing to us and i don't think he really loves me",God that was the worst emotional pain i've ever felt in my life,but it wasn't pain for me, it was pain that i felt for my beautiful,innocent little girl who shouldn't ever have to go through anything like this in her life and if i can take away that pain in her heart then i will and give my life doing it.i'll file papers on monday and take him back to court and hopefully the judge can teach him that he is wrong for what he is doing to her and if that means jail time for the ex then that's the way it has to be.i have alot on my mind still tonight and i'm glad that i have you all reading what i wrote here and maybe my situation and advice can help one of you.sorry this was so long.thanks for "listening".good luck to all of you,and thanks for letting me vent some frustrations.
cott2, all I can say is good luck.It's looking more and more like we'll end up in court too. It's not what I wanted but it looks like it's going to be the best way to protect my kids. This should be the beginning of something very interesting. I'll probably need to wait until school starts though because noone will talk to you with the kids present.Rightfully so, but that means it'll have to be put off for another 3 weeks or so. Wish me luck.
S
setha
Guest
Lisars....response
Wait a minute. Did you say there is no court ordered visitation schedule? What is on the decree? Does it read anything like "that both parties are to decide on the child's visits?" Or something like that? If that is the case and there is no "hard and fast" time frame, I would say you should be able to just say "hey, we don't agree on that time frame/weekend, etc, so as custodial parent, she is in this event that day and you will just have to miss this weekend." It really depends how your decree reads. Just a suggestion. On the other hand, I went for over 10 years as cp with two kids, and had them in events on some weekends; I did not get them in stuff that was EVERY weekend, but did invite the ex to come to events that were on his weekends, when the kids had these events. At the time he lived about 2 hours away; I chose to move. However, now that the kids are 16 and 20, I did notice that as the kids got into high school and HAD to be gone on weekends (football games, track meets), you just have to bite the bullet and accept that you will see the kid when you can; as they get older they HAVE to have a life, too. No easy answer; too bad exs can't really be civil in real life.
Wait a minute. Did you say there is no court ordered visitation schedule? What is on the decree? Does it read anything like "that both parties are to decide on the child's visits?" Or something like that? If that is the case and there is no "hard and fast" time frame, I would say you should be able to just say "hey, we don't agree on that time frame/weekend, etc, so as custodial parent, she is in this event that day and you will just have to miss this weekend." It really depends how your decree reads. Just a suggestion. On the other hand, I went for over 10 years as cp with two kids, and had them in events on some weekends; I did not get them in stuff that was EVERY weekend, but did invite the ex to come to events that were on his weekends, when the kids had these events. At the time he lived about 2 hours away; I chose to move. However, now that the kids are 16 and 20, I did notice that as the kids got into high school and HAD to be gone on weekends (football games, track meets), you just have to bite the bullet and accept that you will see the kid when you can; as they get older they HAVE to have a life, too. No easy answer; too bad exs can't really be civil in real life.
C
crystal2
Guest
lamcraftier- with your personal situation, I can definatley see your point and I do agree with you. If your ex lives in the same town, and has no job, it sounds like he just wants to be an a**. Him and my stepchildren's mom should get together- it sounds like they have about the same amount of concern for their children's happiness and well being.
setha, I went and dug out our "marital settlement agreement" papers, and here's what is says. I have primary custody. He has secondary or partial custody at a schedule to be ageed by the parties which shall include at a minimum the following:
1) every other weekend
2) four weeks of vacation or other stay during the year or other periods as the parties mutually agree
3)husband may have reasonable visitation with children at any time
- then goes on stating visitation during holidays .
Ends with: It is the intention and agreement of the parties to cooperate so that both husband and wife shall have ample contact with and access to the children taking into account their personal schedules, the interest and activities of the children, their rights as parents, and the best interests of the children.
Wonder if that will help my argument any. Especially the last part. He's big on following the rules to the letter when it's in his favor, but this seems I may have a valid point. He needs to take into consideration the kids wishes too, not just his own. So, do I have a shot at making this work?
1) every other weekend
2) four weeks of vacation or other stay during the year or other periods as the parties mutually agree
3)husband may have reasonable visitation with children at any time
- then goes on stating visitation during holidays .
Ends with: It is the intention and agreement of the parties to cooperate so that both husband and wife shall have ample contact with and access to the children taking into account their personal schedules, the interest and activities of the children, their rights as parents, and the best interests of the children.
Wonder if that will help my argument any. Especially the last part. He's big on following the rules to the letter when it's in his favor, but this seems I may have a valid point. He needs to take into consideration the kids wishes too, not just his own. So, do I have a shot at making this work?
S
setha
Guest
reply
I am not an attorney, just been doing the "custody fight" bit for 14 years with two kids.
However, it does say "minimum" of every other weekend, so that's a "catch", but the stuff in the last paragraph should help too, I would think, since it talks about the kids' interests, etc.
I would simply stand up to him and say "she has xxx this weekend, so you can have her next weekend and the next one, but you will need to miss this one".. but since you have her in the Sat morning class, then he would need to start his weekend after that class. It doesn't sound like the decree states WHEN the weekend starts, either, so you could have a "way out" with that too. Please don't make your daughter talk to him about visitation though; sooner or later she will feel very upset about being "in the middle"...never good for kids to know what the parents talk about; that should be between you and him. Hard, I know, and I have been through the gamet on trying to do this myself, but taking the "high road" will help you "win" in the long run. Good Luck; Hopefully someone with real "legal" advice can help you, but maybe this is food for thought.
I am not an attorney, just been doing the "custody fight" bit for 14 years with two kids.
However, it does say "minimum" of every other weekend, so that's a "catch", but the stuff in the last paragraph should help too, I would think, since it talks about the kids' interests, etc.
I would simply stand up to him and say "she has xxx this weekend, so you can have her next weekend and the next one, but you will need to miss this one".. but since you have her in the Sat morning class, then he would need to start his weekend after that class. It doesn't sound like the decree states WHEN the weekend starts, either, so you could have a "way out" with that too. Please don't make your daughter talk to him about visitation though; sooner or later she will feel very upset about being "in the middle"...never good for kids to know what the parents talk about; that should be between you and him. Hard, I know, and I have been through the gamet on trying to do this myself, but taking the "high road" will help you "win" in the long run. Good Luck; Hopefully someone with real "legal" advice can help you, but maybe this is food for thought.
The funny part about all of this is that school has yet to start. I brought all of this up to him last week just to give him time to think it over, kind of a "heads up" on what she and I had been talking about. Nothing firm has been decided on as far as her activities, we'll wait until school starts to see what the options are for her. And as far as the ccd classes go, I shouldn't even have to ask his permission about those,I guess. I told him that he could pick them up on Friday nights, instead of Sat. mornings, so that they'd be able to have a little more time together. But, I'm sure that after more than a year, he'll see it as that is his right to pick them up on Fridays instead. The oldest talked to him last night about staying home this upcoming weekend ("his weekend") due to the fact they're going to be at his house all next week, he told her no and asked her what she would say if she only got to see her kids every two weeks? The child is nine! How is she supposed to answer that? Then proceeded to tell her that they'd probably get to spend a couple nights at Grandma's (my mom's) while they are there. They can't stay home a couple of nights when they want to, but since he obviously has other plans, it's o.k. for them to be away from him during his precious time? She's an exceptionally bright kid. Does he honestly think she doesn't have him figured out? She said to me,"Maybe Daddy will have to work during his vacation like last time and we can just stay with Grandma the whole time." I feel bad for her but what else can I do? If I don't make her go, then I'm the one that gets into trouble. And it breaks my heart to send her where she doesn't want to be.