child has some behavioral issues ************** can this affect custody?

[ejmmolina]

What is the name of your state? texas

one of my step sons has ADHD and O.D.D the O.D.D can be caused by a number of factors. There is no proof that one certain thing causes it but according to studies there are theories. After reading a lot of information on O.D.D we have found that smoking while preg or other drug use can cause O.D.D. Also a unstable family is thought to be a cause. My husband has custody of his sons and has had them with us for almost 7 years. in this time the biomom has been in and out of their lives made many broken promises and disappeared for over a year. Also O.D.D can run in families. my husband has no mental illnesses. however we suspect the biomom does. as well as her mother (the maternal grandmother) we have no medical proof and are not qualified to diagnose anyone. if we could find her what are the chances of getting a mental stability test and drug test done on biomom? husband is willing to undergo same test.

since her relationship with both sons is practically nonexistent (she only comes around when her father makes her feel guilty for not seeing the kids which is maybe once a year.) is there some sort of clause, something stating if she fails to maintain some sort of relationship for a certain amount of time then her visitation is cut off . the dr who treats stepson says he needs consistency and stable people in his life to help him overcome his problems. we dont have a clue as to how to even contact her. all numbers we had for her and her family are no longer working. she moved and would not give us the address. step son needs to be in family therapy and we would love for her to be involved but this is almost impossible as all attempts to find her have failed!!! what can be done???

 

[LdiJ]

What is the name of your state? texas

one of my step sons has ADHD and O.D.D the O.D.D can be caused by a number of factors. There is no proof that one certain thing causes it but according to studies there are theories. After reading a lot of information on O.D.D we have found that smoking while preg or other drug use can cause O.D.D. Also a unstable family is thought to be a cause. My husband has custody of his sons and has had them with us for almost 7 years. in this time the biomom has been in and out of their lives made many broken promises and disappeared for over a year. Also O.D.D can run in families. my husband has no mental illnesses. however we suspect the biomom does. as well as her mother (the maternal grandmother) we have no medical proof and are not qualified to diagnose anyone. if we could find her what are the chances of getting a mental stability test and drug test done on biomom? husband is willing to undergo same test.

since her relationship with both sons is practically nonexistent (she only comes around when her father makes her feel guilty for not seeing the kids which is maybe once a year.) is there some sort of clause, something stating if she fails to maintain some sort of relationship for a certain amount of time then her visitation is cut off . the dr who treats stepson says he needs consistency and stable people in his life to help him overcome his problems. we dont have a clue as to how to even contact her. all numbers we had for her and her family are no longer working. she moved and would not give us the address. step son needs to be in family therapy and we would love for her to be involved but this is almost impossible as all attempts to find her have failed!!! what can be done???

Really very little can be done. A court is unlikely to terminate a parent's right to visitation in this scenario. If she completely disappears from the child's life (no child support either) for whatever period of time your state requires to determine "abandonment", its possible that her parental rights could be terminated...and perhaps you could adopt. But that might be a longshot.

 

[rmet4nzkx]

What is the name of your state? texas

one of my step sons has ADHD and O.D.D the O.D.D can be caused by a number of factors. There is no proof that one certain thing causes it but according to studies there are theories. After reading a lot of information on O.D.D we have found that smoking while preg or other drug use can cause O.D.D. Also a unstable family is thought to be a cause. My husband has custody of his sons and has had them with us for almost 7 years. in this time the biomom has been in and out of their lives made many broken promises and disappeared for over a year. Also O.D.D can run in families. my husband has no mental illnesses. however we suspect the biomom does. as well as her mother (the maternal grandmother) we have no medical proof and are not qualified to diagnose anyone. if we could find her what are the chances of getting a mental stability test and drug test done on biomom? husband is willing to undergo same test.

since her relationship with both sons is practically nonexistent (she only comes around when her father makes her feel guilty for not seeing the kids which is maybe once a year.) is there some sort of clause, something stating if she fails to maintain some sort of relationship for a certain amount of time then her visitation is cut off . the dr who treats stepson says he needs consistency and stable people in his life to help him overcome his problems. we dont have a clue as to how to even contact her. all numbers we had for her and her family are no longer working. she moved and would not give us the address. step son needs to be in family therapy and we would love for her to be involved but this is almost impossible as all attempts to find her have failed!!! what can be done???

I understand your stepchild is in therapy and that structure and consistancy is needed in his life. Your husband has custody and like it or not this child still has a mother and even an inconsistant relationship will be important to this child, especially if he takes after her, he may see an attempt to cut off that relationship with his mother as rejecitng him as well, or that he is next? Knowing some of the history to date and when you now add in ODD on top of ADHD you are suggesting another possible diagnosis that may indeed tend to be more genetic than environmental. Ask the school to evaluate him for learning disabilities, some children even with high IQs have forms of learning disabilities or non verbal learning disabilities, this may eventually entitle him to other forms of assistance.

 

[stealth2]

If Dad has no way to contact her, how does he make her feel guilty for anything?

 

[jorton56]

"(she only comes around when her father makes her feel guilty for not seeing the kids which is maybe once a year.)"

Is this what her father told you or is it what she has said when she has come around?
Is there no other family members or old acquaintances of the mother's that you may try to look up?

 

[stealth2]

"(she only comes around when her father makes her feel guilty for not seeing the kids which is maybe once a year.)"

Is this what her father told you or is it what she has said when she has come around?
Is there no other family members or old acquaintances of the mother's that you may try to look up?

Thanks for that clarification. I obviously need more caffeine!

 

[BL]

I don't know what kind of answers you are looking for , or how old the child is , or what the history of contact with mom is .

By you indicate the mother comes/came around " once " per yr.

The therapist has recommended stability . Stability should be concentrated at home , and school as suggested . If the child has learning problems it could enhance the ADHD and ODD .

I think your barking up the wrong tree to somehow think that the mother that only comes around once per year is the cause of this child's behavior .

The Dr. needs to try and adjust medicines , and through therapy , school , and home the symptoms can be somewhat controlled .

Environment and who the child is involved with ( outside negative influences ) can have a Hugh impact on behavior .

Many things can lead to these symptoms . As you say Parents drug use during pregnancy , lead poisoning , Etc .

 

[haiku]

as a parent of a child with OCD, and other issues, I do not understand really, why it is so important to "pin it all" on the mom.there are so many possible reasons for these issues biological and envirmental, but bottom line is, knowing the root cause is only ONE peice of the puzzle.

At this point, the childs PAST should have been noted with thier medical providers and now it is time to move on with the present.

There are always going to be things we cannot control in our childrens lives, one of them being who thier parents are.

it already seems like the mother has LITTLE day to day influence on this child. I don't understand what "flushing mom out" just so that you can make her "officially without rights" will do to help this child.

 

[ejmmolina]

ok to fill in a little info. the bio mom does in fact say well my dad was calling and b!tch!ng at me for not seeing or calling the kids. he even tried to bribe her at one point with a car if she would use it to come see her kids. that didn't even work. i would think that a person who doesn't care about her own kids has one of two problems or perhaps both. that person has mental issues not being taken care of or they are on drugs. possibly both!

in no way are we trying to "pin it" on the mom or her family. but we know the mental background of my husband and his family. we do not however no for sure the mental status of hers. to be honest with you anyone one who lies about having cancer and about her own mother dieing has mental issues to some degree.

how can we get this child adequate help if there are possible biological factors we are not aware of. he has been tested for a number of learning disabilities of which come back negative meaning according to the schools test he has no learning disabilities.

as far as contacting her friends or family we have done this and are always told they don't know where she is. no one in her family or circle of friends is wiling to tell us where she is.

in no way do we think or hope that by terminating her rights will fix the mental problems. however we do know that if her behavior stays the same it will make it worse. we do not speak badly about her at all to the kids. the oldest one is almost 10 its not like he isn't figuring out a lot on his own. which is what we think are causing a lot of his issues. he has friends who are in the same situation with moms who skipped out on them and a few friends with dads who did the same. he talks about how wrong it is for the parents to do this to his friends and how moms and dads are supposed to love their kids. everything in his family and school life is stable. he has a schedule we stick to everyday. the same for his teachers.

we were just hoping that there was some way to make her either step up and be a parent or make the choice to not be one. each time she comes for her 30 or 45 minute visit for the year he ends up acting out in some way. this is not healthy!!!!!!

if anyone can offer any help as far as what else we can do to help him i am more than willing to listen. we are only trying to help him i am sorry if i came across as a person who was looking for a reason to completely wash mom out of the picture. we would much prefer a way to make her take responsibility for these 2 lives she has helped create but refuses to help raise.

 

[BL]

ok to fill in a little info. the bio mom does in fact say well my dad was calling and b!tch!ng at me for not seeing or calling the kids. he even tried to bribe her at one point with a car if she would use it to come see her kids. that didn't even work. i would think that a person who doesn't care about her own kids has one of two problems or perhaps both. that person has mental issues not being taken care of or they are on drugs. possibly both!

in no way are we trying to "pin it" on the mom or her family. but we know the mental background of my husband and his family. we do not however no for sure the mental status of hers. to be honest with you anyone one who lies about having cancer and about her own mother dieing has mental issues to some degree.

how can we get this child adequate help if there are possible biological factors we are not aware of. he has been tested for a number of learning disabilities of which come back negative meaning according to the schools test he has no learning disabilities.

as far as contacting her friends or family we have done this and are always told they don't know where she is. no one in her family or circle of friends is wiling to tell us where she is.

in no way do we think or hope that by terminating her rights will fix the mental problems. however we do know that if her behavior stays the same it will make it worse. we do not speak badly about her at all to the kids. the oldest one is almost 10 its not like he isn't figuring out a lot on his own. which is what we think are causing a lot of his issues. he has friends who are in the same situation with moms who skipped out on them and a few friends with dads who did the same. he talks about how wrong it is for the parents to do this to his friends and how moms and dads are supposed to love their kids. everything in his family and school life is stable. he has a schedule we stick to everyday. the same for his teachers.

we were just hoping that there was some way to make her either step up and be a parent or make the choice to not be one. each time she comes for her 30 or 45 minute visit for the year he ends up acting out in some way. this is not healthy!!!!!!

if anyone can offer any help as far as what else we can do to help him i am more than willing to listen. we are only trying to help him i am sorry if i came across as a person who was looking for a reason to completely wash mom out of the picture. we would much prefer a way to make her take responsibility for these 2 lives she has helped create but refuses to help raise.

You can't force Mom to do anything .

You are talking about a 30-45 minute per yr. visit from mom totally disrupting the child's life of ADHD and ODD .

I also find it hard to believe the child is saying " out of the blue " families should stick together and love each other .

I'd be searching for a competent therapist , not one that supports this theory , and is willing to talk to the kid(s) about the realities of life .

As I stated , outside negative influences can have a Hugh impact/enhancement of the symptoms . You state he talks to kids his own age about abandonment of a Parent which is an outside influence .

Adhd and ODD children should be treated the same as " normal " children , and you as Parents and the therapist can be honest with these kid(s) , and explain the facts of life .

As the prior poster stated , it's time to move forward with the issues , and not dwell on the past , etc . The focus should be on the kids , not mommy dearest or her family that are involved for 30-45 mins. per yr . GET OVER IT>

 

[ejmmolina]

thank you for your help.

 

[haiku]

ok to fill in a little info. the bio mom does in fact say well my dad was calling and b!tch!ng at me for not seeing or calling the kids. he even tried to bribe her at one point with a car if she would use it to come see her kids. that didn't even work. i would think that a person who doesn't care about her own kids has one of two problems or perhaps both. that person has mental issues not being taken care of or they are on drugs. possibly both!

****well goodness then there are boatloads of folks on this website then with mental issues, as a common theme here si no tutilizing visitation....***

in no way are we trying to "pin it" on the mom or her family. but we know the mental background of my husband and his family. we do not however no for sure the mental status of hers. to be honest with you anyone one who lies about having cancer and about her own mother dieing has mental issues to some degree.

how can we get this child adequate help if there are possible biological factors we are not aware of. he has been tested for a number of learning disabilities of which come back negative meaning according to the schools test he has no learning disabilities. ***UNDIAGNOSED mental health problems can also be quite prevelant. in the end family history is helpful but it is not always the be all and end all. He very well may have NO learning disabilites at all. my child has none and she has OCD, and though we have yet to have a definitive diagnosis for anything else, fits some of the criteria for autism spectrum disorder, I have no IEP or anything at the school for her. other than keeping her teachers in touch with her therapist thats it, as far as school involvment goes.

as far as contacting her friends or family we have done this and are always told they don't know where she is. no one in her family or circle of friends is wiling to tell us where she is.

in no way do we think or hope that by terminating her rights will fix the mental problems. however we do know that if her behavior stays the same it will make it worse. we do not speak badly about her at all to the kids. the oldest one is almost 10 its not like he isn't figuring out a lot on his own. which is what we think are causing a lot of his issues. he has friends who are in the same situation with moms who skipped out on them and a few friends with dads who did the same. he talks about how wrong it is for the parents to do this to his friends and how moms and dads are supposed to love their kids. everything in his family and school life is stable. he has a schedule we stick to everyday. the same for his teachers.

we were just hoping that there was some way to make her either step up and be a parent or make the choice to not be one. each time she comes for her 30 or 45 minute visit for the year he ends up acting out in some way. this is not healthy!!!!!!

yes, but he is not the first kid to have a dysfunctional family. We all have a dysfunctional family in some ways. And we all regardless of our "disabilities" need ot learn to deal with that.

if anyone can offer any help as far as what else we can do to help him i am more than willing to listen. we are only trying to help him i am sorry if i came across as a person who was looking for a reason to completely wash mom out of the picture. we would much prefer a way to make her take responsibility for these 2 lives she has helped create but refuses to help raise.
As evidenced right here on this forum it is everyones right to parent or NOT parent as they choose. You cannot make someone parent the way "you" think is right. All you can do, is adapt to what you have been given.

AL I can say is you stop thinking about mom as a means to a cure, and concentrate on the other more positive things. A counselor can help your child deal with a mom who is not always there for him.

As far as it goes I would reccommend if you havent already, you have your son evaluated by a doctor who specializes in add and add related problems. don't dpend on just one source (the school) for your answers. A good medical workup is always the best place to start.

 

[ezmarelda]

just want to point out...

and ask OP for clarification... ...child has ODD=Oppositional Defiance or OCD=Obsessive Compulsive

 

[casa]

and ask OP for clarification... ...child has ODD=Oppositional Defiance or OCD=Obsessive Compulsive

ADHD kids are susceptible to being diagnosed (or actually having) ODD and OCD...but in most cases~ The OCD behaviors are the ADHD child trying to control themselves when lack of Behavior Modification is being utilized. Same is true for ODD, where the child acts out because they cannot control themselves and are not being treated with conjunctive therapies &/or Behavior Modification at home. In other words, a child CAN have both, but it's more common to have ADHD & if/when an imbalance is in their environment (home, school or both) the child will act out with ODD & OCD behaviors.

To the OP: Who cares where it came from? Treat it. The treatment is NO different whether the child has a relative with the same/similar disorders or not.

 

[haiku]

and ask OP for clarification... ...child has ODD=Oppositional Defiance or OCD=Obsessive Compulsive

I do believe in the Original post we are dealing with ODD.

i am the one who muddied things up with OCD. I apologize.

And CASA is correct. ANd reminds me of more advice fo rthe OP, which is not to rely on ONE diagnosis of ODD when there are ADHD factors also presenting.