children's activities

[soniasaini]

Well, if you suggest an activity to him, he will take it as you telling him what to do on his time. So, maybe you can have your daughter ask him if she could play "whatever" next summer or take "whatever lessons" in the summer. Try to see if she would be interested in something you know he would take an interest in.

 

[jaa4d]

Yeah, I've tried suggesting an activity or some other advice before. That worked until he got remarried. All of a sudden he doesn't want my advice on how best to deal with her. Which is fine by me. I would rather he take an interest and stop looking to me for the answers. Now he looks to his new wife, though. Well, at least the new wife and our daughter get along great. lol

 

[imxoz]

I guess don't understand why a child of a divorce has to give up being a child and having interests. Why are you narrowing the definition of "developing a relationship" to only what the parent wants. You can go to events, cheer them on. Its not like they are wanting to go with a friend and not with dad. I would never support that. Their relationship with their father is important. That incenuates that if a child wanted to play sports that they really couldn't becasue they couldn't be a part of the team becasue they has to skip half of their games because going meant they were'nt having a relationship with their parent. We have to realize that kids can't suffer for the sake of adults egos or games. Even when my son had a tourney on his weekend, I offered for him to get him at other times to make up for the time and he only got hime once for 2 hours. this is not about me monopozing "his" time.

 

[soniasaini]

You knew there would be consequences your children would have to face when you and your ex's decided to divorce. You each have the right to parent your child how you want to (within reason). He has different priorites than you, so what? You feel that sports are more important, so you prioritize them. He does not. Kids don't dictate what our priorities should be as parents. Kids learn how to negotiate with their parents to be able to do the things they want to do. So, let them learn how to negotiate with Dad. It's not for you to take personally. Stop running yourself ragged and taking on all the responsibility for the things your kids want to do. You sound exhausted and angry. Let your kids tell Dad what they want to do and if they want Dad involved, and then leave it to Dad to handle. You are not going to get an award for sacrifciing so much in the name of some soccer games.

If you were still married...you be arguing with him to get him off the couch to go to the games to show support for the kid's interests because that's what you think is important? It's a waste of time and energy.

 

[dakoto70]

It is

It is just plain stupid for one parent to not allow the child to be involved in an activity.

If both parents discuss the activity, both parents agree it is " in the best interest" oof the child to be involved than both parents need to make sure that the child is were the child needs to be at what ever time it is and no matter whos weekend it is.

You ex and all the ex's like him (male or female) is going to make the child not want to be with them at all. Choosing their sports,activities, birthday parties whatever it is they will eventually choose them over the one parent who is making them miss out on everything.

Now you fight with that parent about visitation, the child is made to go even if they don't want to and it is hell on everyone concerned.

I am thinking that I must have a rare case of parents getting along, because yeah there are a few issues but my main concern is him spending time with her. I signed her up for baseball, he brought her to the games and practices when it was his weekends and I did the same when it was my weekends. He signed her up for bowling told me he would pick her up on my weekends and take her bowling bring her back to me and I said no it is my weekend and I can take her. No big deal. it is something she wants to do so who am I or who is he to stop her.

now I know some cp's will book the time with their children, not talk to the op about it and just expect it to be this way. It takes communication to make it work. If they don't than the children will start to resent the parent that they preceive as getting in their way of fun.

The OP will be in court because the children don't want to go for visitation, the cp won't make them and the OP is screaming about it.

COMPROMISE COMPROMISE

is the only way to handle situations that deal with children. sorry this got to be so long but I hate when kids are in the middle because kids are the ones that always suffer.

 

[soniasaini]

I don't think the poster and her ex discussed and agreed upon this activity.

I take that back... they did.

I don't know what recourse she has then. Maybe get agreement in writing or certified letter next time. Document when he doesn't take them.

 

[imxoz]

Yes he agreed. Whenever the kids want to do something that even would remotely effect him and his time with them I have them talk to him. I can't do that becasue like I said his issue is the angry one with issues with me. Everything is an issue with me. So he and them worked it out. He doesn't just guilt them about activities, he guilts then period, like you don't call me, you must not love me, you like her better blah blah blah. My irritation is with the fact that my children (3) have to deal with learning that this guilt is about what is going on with him not that they aren't good kids. Yes we are busy but very balanced. I don't run myself to exhaustion. But I support my children. And if he wants to play a sport (1) I will support him. That means practice 2 times a week and games for 10 weeks. (a season) You have to understand he has the same reaction when my other daughter has a require band contest that falls on a saturday. He will "let me" take her becasue it is too early to get up and he will simply tell them that I don't want too. (meaning him). Required means it is for a grade. I make sure we are not spread too thin or do too much. when you have 3 children it is very possible things are muliply booked sometimes and you can only do the best you can do. One of my children even have not done something they have wanted too becasue another one had an activity. That's called a family working together give and take. We have also not done things becasue we needed some down time. Balance. My anger comes in the the result of his words to them. I realize they will grow up and already know what is going on. I tell them how important their relationship is with him but also realize it is his relationship to nurture that relationship. I can't force him to be a daddy.

 

[ellencee]

Sports and scouting are optional and priviledges only; parent-child relationships are not and neither is following court ordered visitation.

If the noncustodial parent gives the child the priviledge of playing sports on visitation times, and gives the custodial parent permission to take the child to the sporting event, the custodial parent should be sending the child(ren) on Friday and picking up the child (ren) from the NCP and returning the child(ren) to the NCP after the sporting event. The whole visitation time should not be forfeited.

I'm afraid the poster with the court date on Friday is about to learn the definition of visitation and just who is in control of that time.

EC

 

[jaa4d]

Well, I'm the person with the court date on friday. I just wanted to clarify. First off, we don't have a court order right now. That's the biggest reason that we are going to court in the first place. I've suggested to my ex that rather than switching weekends, I just bring her to his house after her event. He doesn't want to do that. He sees that he is loosing an hour or 2 of "his time". And by switching weekends his visitation isn't forfeited, it's just moved by 7 days. If you count up the actual days that she is with him, she is there the same amount of time. I switch 1 for 1. So the switching weekends was his idea in the beginning. And yes, he gave permission for her to join the scouts. His problem came when he found out that her troop was active. There are many out there that aren't. He was expecting her be in a troop that was more show than anything.

Even though we don't have "court ordered" visitation set up, for the last 4 years we have followed our "verbal agreement" as if it were court ordered. We, not just me, switch times so that she can go to events with each of us. Isn't that a pretty standard thing to do, if both parties agree? It's only this past summer that big problems have arisen. Hence, us going to court. I realize that I should have never agreed to not having an order and just swinging it. But, are you telling me that we have been doing it wrong all this time?

 

[ellencee]

jaa4d
No, I'm not saying you are wrong or that you have been wrong.

I am 100% in favor of parents cooperating with each other and remaining out from under an order of the court.

On Friday, you will relinquish any right to decide what your children will and will not do on weekends, holidays, and during the summer. You will forfeit any right to have the children participate in sports or scouts on the father's scheduled visitation times; that decision will rest solely with the father.

From Friday forward, you will do as the court says you will do or you will suffer the consequences.

I would have wished for you, the father, and your children to have remained free of an order of the court.

EC

 

[imxoz]

Eellencee~
I guess the moral of the story is don't let your child have a normal junior high/high school experience and don't let them join the enroll in band, go out for sports, heaven forbit be prom king or queen because it might infring on "your time" and just see the crop that you reap. I understand the courts but I am talking psychological wellness. I don't mean this as an attack, just an observation. And I am not talking about those CP that do plan things out of spite.

 

[haiku]

when i tcomes to divorce you need to realize that your children are NOT going ot have a conventional life!

things are going to be different. And I tend ot agree that most likely if you were still married, youlikely would have still "been carrying the ball" so t speak....

i know my own husband gets treated like "moron" when it comes tohis weekends and sporting events,sometimes getting his
time cut short.
and he has never without good cause missed one event, even though it requires lots of traveling with no home base ot return to in between for a total of 4 kids between us all. but i find it amusing that when he calls the ex during her time, it is OK fo rher ot have an excuse no tto take them if something comes up for her...........

i agree with ellencee and sonia...........

 

[jaa4d]

I truely wish that it didn't come down to going to court over all of this. I tried every way possible to avoid court. But, my ex was determined to have his way. Now, even he wishes that it didn't come down to this, but it's too late at this point. I know that things will change once we have a court order, and honestly, that's the sad part. I just hope that we will be able to cooperate under the judges ruling.

 

[stealth2]

It is, of course, possible to steer the kids towards activities that are more flexible. And it is possible to miss some of the events. I don't have a flexible ex, so I've steered the kids away from soccer, baseball, etc, and towards the martial arts, riding, Scouts & running. Except for a few specific events, these activities can be participated in during the week. Yes, there are camping trips the kids have to miss - such is life. Sometimes it's due to visitation and sometimes it's due to another commitment here. It happens. Kids also need to learn that life does not revolve exclusively around them and their wishes.

 

[Irishluck]

I have a 6 year old daughter. She wanted to sign up for softball this past season. It lasts for only 2 months. I told her dad about it, in case he wanted to go and watch her play. The games and pratice were on Tuesdays and Thursdays, sometimes fridays. He never went to any games and he would complain if the game would run late on the fridays when he would get them. About 7:00pm. One saturday they had a game scheduled and it was on his weekend, I tried to switch weekends with him, but he didn't want to. He said he would take her to the game. I went to the game also. When we got there before the game even started he said that she didn't want to play softball anymore. He said that I'm making her play. Yeah, because I have nothing else to do but drive her to all of the games 2-3 times a week. Sometimes I drive an hour there and an hour back. It just pisses me off when he takes her to one game and complains the whole time then talks her out of playing anymore. I thought she would give up but when we got home she said she saw a new glove at the store that she wanted for her b-day. I don't want her to stop doing what she loves to do because her dad is an ass.