Concerned Father

[mistoffolees]

OMG- I just realized that this is his EX STEP SON. This brings a whole new light to things.

You have absolutely NOTHING to do with this situation. This is between mom and dad- you aren't even stepdad.

While you are obviously right that an ex-stepdad has no rights to the child, the last statement is somewhat questionable. It is rarely an issue (since the stepdad has no rights, anyway, there are a few cases where the stepparent relationship does survive a divorce.

The most common one involves a Woody Allen situation where the stepdad wants to have a relationship with the former stepdaughter (or vice versa). My understanding is that in some cases, this could still be considered an incestuous relationship. I'm not 100% sure - and it obviously has no bearing on this situation, but I did read that at least some states consider that.

 

[LdiJ]

While you are obviously right that an ex-stepdad has no rights to the child, the last statement is somewhat questionable. It is rarely an issue (since the stepdad has no rights, anyway, there are a few cases where the stepparent relationship does survive a divorce.

The most common one involves a Woody Allen situation where the stepdad wants to have a relationship with the former stepdaughter (or vice versa). My understanding is that in some cases, this could still be considered an incestuous relationship. I'm not 100% sure - and it obviously has no bearing on this situation, but I did read that at least some states consider that.

There is also the possibility that he was given some rights in the divorce. While not common there are cases where stepparent are given rights in a divorce. If so, those rights would remain intact until a court rules otherwise. I have seen a handful of cases where both a biological father and a stepfather have had visitation rights.

 

[milspecgirl]

i just hope they didn't go so far in their lie as to list him as dad in the divorce papers.

 

[Artemis_ofthe_Hunt]

i just hope they didn't go so far in their lie as to list him as dad in the divorce papers.

If dad has a cs order against him.... not bloody likely that'll happen.

 

[TampaFlaMom9]

Good catch DannyT

exwife!

didnt take time to work out all the relationships...the original post was confused enough i was waiting for further info before sorting everything out

so this is a prime example of someone who is past all the advise I and others tried to give..and a good example of what not to do...

sounds like Dad came back into picture and Step-Dad tried to freeze him out with no legal standing... He probably tried to force Mom to cooperate, gave her the old choice him or me...

naturally, Mom's only real choice was son or him so he is out

If they had lied in the divorce he would have visitation/court ordered support...

His interference and destructive attitude/behavior probably got biological dad
exonerated on the back support...

He didnt say mom and biological dad are remarried, so i am going to assume
they are coparenting in a manner acceptable to the court.

He just resents it!

AND he hasnt answered, so I am not going to say he is a coward -
but he hasnt taken any responsibility here, and i think a responsible parent would, given the safety of annonominity, and that is the only way to get clear and pertinent advise...

At least so far he is a bad example of how to use the forums.

TFM

 

[dannyt]

poor kid

Good catch DannyT

exwife!

didnt take time to work out all the relationships...the original post was confused enough i was waiting for further info before sorting everything out

so this is a prime example of someone who is past all the advise I and others tried to give..and a good example of what not to do...

sounds like Dad came back into picture and Step-Dad tried to freeze him out with no legal standing... He probably tried to force Mom to cooperate, gave her the old choice him or me...

naturally, Mom's only real choice was son or him so he is out

If they had lied in the divorce he would have visitation/court ordered support...

His interference and destructive attitude/behavior probably got biological dad
exonerated on the back support...

He didnt say mom and biological dad are remarried, so i am going to assume
they are coparenting in a manner acceptable to the court.

He just resents it!

AND he hasnt answered, so I am not going to say he is a coward -
but he hasnt taken any responsibility here, and i think a responsible parent would, given the safety of annonominity, and that is the only way to get clear and pertinent advise...

At least so far he is a bad example of how to use the forums.

TFM

and why lying to a child and making them believe a legal stranger is their parent when they are not is a very very bad idea

 

[titanofold]

Excuse me for not replying, my ex stepson's father walked out of the mother's life when he found out she was pregnant. He just left. I met the mother was my stepson was a year old and we married when he was 2. His father and his father's family has never contacted anyone until recently. This is all due to social networking websites because they saw a picture and felt guilty for ditching him before he was even born.

No, I am not on the birth documents. Mother and father were never married. The mom is now with another man who would be his current stepfather. Also, I do have a child of my own with my ex stepson's mother, if that helps matters any but most likely not.

This child has been through a lot with my divorce and other issues. I am asking this to try and avoid therapy and ruining this child's childhood at all costs.

 

[milspecgirl]

the best thing you can do for this child is therapy.

If dad wants to be a part of his life- a judge WILL give him the chance to prove himself and be a parent.

So, the best thing for the child is for you and mom to come clean now so he can begin dealing with the issues

 

[Zigner]

Excuse me for not replying, my ex stepson's father walked out of the mother's life when he found out she was pregnant. He just left. I met the mother was my stepson was a year old and we married when he was 2. His father and his father's family has never contacted anyone until recently. This is all due to social networking websites because they saw a picture and felt guilty for ditching him before he was even born.

Which could also mean that he was FINALLY able to track the woman and his child down...

 

[TampaFlaMom9]

This child has been through a lot with my divorce and other issues. I am asking this to try and avoid therapy and ruining this child's childhood at all costs.

Thank you for responding it tends to reinforce my original opinion that you really care what happens to this kid.

At this point, you dont have legal avenues...

MORALLY- you should accept responsibility for your part in the deception, and offer any requested assistance.

Your honest appology to the 12year old might help - but that is moms decision now
explain that Mom and Yourself always intended to tell him the truth, but just never seemed to find the right time before you got divorced from the mother...with the lame excuse that then it was not your place to handle it anymore. If you can reassure him that you still love him the same, that this doesnt make any difference in how you see him in your heart... and at the same time give him room for his natural reaction that will be anger... possibly you can repair the damage sometime in the next 6years.

Im not normally one to jump to therapy...but if ever there was a situation ripe for it this one is...a proper therapist can give son tools to deal with the anger...and rebuilding shattered trust...get him past this crisis in one piece, maybe even stronger when he has these skills he will not need to be protected from the truth so much.


In this situation how well you respect the true parents of this child will be a reflection of how much you love and respect the child for who he really is, not just whether or not you can pretend to be his Dad... Kiddo will pick up on this right away...

Since you have the other child you cannot honorably withdraw from the situation...but you must, absolutely must, respect the wishes and the decisions made on how to handle this by the true parents...

I would say good luck, but at this point I rather think you need to be told
focus... What you want doesnt and isnt going to control the outcome.
What you do and how you act can be helpful or hurtful.
So focus on the well being of the child...

TFM

 

[acmb05]

Excuse me for not replying, my ex stepson's father walked out of the mother's life when he found out she was pregnant. He just left. I met the mother was my stepson was a year old and we married when he was 2. His father and his father's family has never contacted anyone until recently. This is all due to social networking websites because they saw a picture and felt guilty for ditching him before he was even born.

No, I am not on the birth documents. Mother and father were never married. The mom is now with another man who would be his current stepfather. Also, I do have a child of my own with my ex stepson's mother, if that helps matters any but most likely not.

This child has been through a lot with my divorce and other issues. I am asking this to try and avoid therapy and ruining this child's childhood at all costs.

Yep sounds like almost exactly what happened to me. Not to make you feel bad you really only know what the mother(your ex) told you happened. It could very well have went down the complete opposite way with dad not even knowing where the mother and child were until recently.

This child is going to need a lot of therapy to deal with this.