Concerned for my son..

[Weatherd00d]

What is the name of your state? Oregon

I will try to be as brief and complete as possible with this.
Received a call from my sons mother this evening stating that she was at her wits end with raising our son (currently 10 yrs old). (mine and ex-wife). When I asked her why, she told me some of the things he has been doing. (i.e. Stealing candy from stores to attempting to set fire to their house). She is married and her husband has no idea of what to do either.

This evening when she called me, she informed me that she was threatning him with not being able to live at home and having to live with me or his grandmother. I don't see how she could use living with me as punishment? I've wanted to get full custody of my son, but there's no way of proving that I'm more capable nor that I would be a better parent that she is.

My questions are the following:

(1) Should I make a push at going for full custody?
(2) Could I take him to a second doctor to see about getting him off ritalin?

Any other advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks,
Sean

 

[Rowbear]

Neither, get caller ID and the next time the ex calls to complain don't answer. Your life will complicate if you get involved now. There is some problems your son is having due to his life situation but he needs to tough it out. Talk to him on the phone and reassure him you love him but don't get involved unless the State comes to see you about taking custody.

 

[Bre's_mom]

If you want custody and she's willing to let him come live with you, then go for it. You should get involved, hes your son, and even if your life gets complicated like the last poster said, thats part of being a parent. I dont know what the other poster was thinking? I would definitly try to get custody!!! Good luck...

 

[karma1]

I agree Bre's mom....

"don't get involved" (Rowbear's reply)??????
That has to be the worst advice I've seen posted!
And as far as the state getting involved, I'm assuming Rowbear meant the state might take the child?.......this is exactly why the poster needs to get involved and keep this from ever happening.
Once a child is put in the system, either through cps or foster care, there could be a chance that this would go on for months and neither parent will have the option of "getting involved".
My gosh, what were you thinking Rowbear?

 

[stealth2]

lovingwife... do a search and read some of Rowbear's "advice" - much of it is f*cked up.

 

[karma1]

Momma....

I was just going to do that.....

 

[Rowbear]

In this case I think you life learner’s need to read between the lines and understand what Sean is describing. His ex-wife has been calling describing all the bad things their 10-year old son has been doing in his absence. The crimes range from stealing candy from little girls to playing with matches. What is probably not shared are the more pleasant things in life such as school plays, little league events or other childhood pleasures.

Next Sean describes more guilt-ridden calls from ex who now has threatened the 10-year old boy to being banished with his father if he doesn’t straighten up his act. This sounds more like a complaining mother or angry ex-wife who may not be feeling well and needs to let off steam. I’m not sure what the Ritalin story was about but I speculate it’s just another dagger that was meant to tear apart Sean emotions even further. Maybe lovingwife can help Sean by providing some response daggers that will drag this volatile relationship deeper.

No Sean you ex will not give you custody. Do not attempt to return to court and battle for custody, it will be fruitless. Hopefully your relationship with your ex will improve and so it will with your son. You are a good father and your time will come to make a contribution to your son’s life. Just remember you have a life too, and yours is just as important as all of ours!!

 

[Mei-Mei]

Rather than full custody, perhaps you could petition the court for joint custody? If your ex-wife is really feeling put upon, she may happily agree to such a compromise.

Secondly, you may want to consider reviewing the first doctor's diagnosis before being too adamant about a second doctor removing your son from ritalin. It's true that ritalin is WAY over-prescribed now, but your son may be one of those cases that needs ritalin.

I would also recommend speaking to your ex-wife about taking your son to see a psychologist. Trying to set the house on fire and stealing can be serious signs of depression or some other sort of mental imbalance. Going together to see the doctor would present a united front for your son, which could only help his self-esteem.

I think it is very important that you consult a private attorney now. Only he/she could help you with the nuances of a custody hearing.

Good luck.

 

[Mei-Mei]

Rowbear,
I think you were making an attempt to give 'practical, no-nonsense' advice, but it was really EXTREMELY poor advice. Legalities aside (strange thing to say at a legal web site )a young man who is stealing and starting fires should not be ignored or his problems underestimated. Further, advising a birth father to not answer the phone when petitioned for help by the birth mother is pretty darn irresponsible, don't you think? That's his son he's worried about.

 

[stealth2]

Not at all bitter, are you, Rowbear?

 

[Weatherd00d]

My reply..

I thank everyone for their comments and advice!

This is quite a complicated situation that has developed since we got divorced back in 1995.

I think that his issues are from being in the household that he is living in now. He was a 7 year old step brother that has offically been diagnosed with ADHD. Then also a newly borned step-sister that he has told me that has been keeping him up at night.
So, basically he's being left out since the other two younger kids need much more attention. He acts out for the attention that he receives.

As far as the ritalin, I feel that this medication is not doing anything to help his issues. If he's acting like this on the medication, just how much worse could it be with him on it? I think she is just too lazy to work with our son to work him off this drug.

I'm planning on talking with an attorney regarding this situation. What my plan is when she calls in the next few days, to discuss a possible arrangement for him to stay with me partially this summer to work on some of his issues. But, I feel that she'll only try to play games with me on it. What it narrows down is this, is that the only reason why she won't give up custody is do to the child support that she receives. I'm going to tell to consider giving me full custody so that his issues can be addressed and resolved.

Thanks,
Sean!

 

[karma1]

What is your current custody order?

and visitation, for that matter? Have you accessed your child's medical records? Is he in counseling?
You might try this sight, www.deltabravo.net and read everything on there....great links for state info under TGB's links, parenting plans, tips for getting started, etc......the chat room is a wonderful place to get support and info too....
I've worked with many ADHD children and while ritalin helps children, especially school aged children, it needs to be paired with a great behavior modification plan enforced/practiced by teachers, parents and all involved. I'd also be talking to his teachers to get some ideas of how they are handling him in school.
I'm glad you havent listened to Rowbear and want to be involved and do what is best for your son....I dont think it was wise for your ex to use you or grandma as a threat. ADHD children typically have low selt esteem, having been told over and over again, "you are bad....I dont understand you....etc..." and I do think you hit the nail on the head when you see how wrong it is to threaten this child with removal from the home due to bad behavior. And I do think you also hit the nail on the head with seeing his behavior as attention seeking....that is typical for ADHD children, too.....
Id start getting my "ducks in a row" if I were you....sure, talk to mom, but know that changing homes may not be the answer...talk to his teachers/counselors/doctors.....get him involved in some kind of sports or activity he likes to do to occupy time and burn off that energy...
JMO and good luck

 

[melsplace]

your son

Sean, I am also a parent of an ADHD child. He is 19 now and has children of his own. He was on Ritalin from the ages of 7 to 15. My husband and I were very funny about his having to take it. We only used it to help him in school and with special functions, not all the time to make him behave as some parents do. It sounds to me that your son is trying to reach out to someone for attention that he's not getting at home. Is the ex wanting you to take him for a while? If so go for it because in my state that proves that you are concerned for the welfare of your child. It might help you in court if you decide to go for custody.
Ritalin was needed for my son and that could be the case with yours. Talk to his Dr. and ask him/ her why he prescribed the Ritalin. It might be just because your ex was complaining. ADHD children can be difficult to raise but not impossible. Hope I have helped

 

[djohnson]

I agree with everyone but rowbear.

good luck

 

[nextwife]

RE: ADHD Meds. Ritalin has been a great help for many kids, but is problematic and requires regular blood tests.

My AHDH child is a different kid when on her meds, more self controlled, learns better, less aggressive and impulsive. She is on a new-generation ADHD med, Adderall XL (timed release) and does NOT require the constant testing. JUst another option to check out.

And yes, attention seeking is a biggy. MIne is an attention hound, but it's hard to know if that is just the ADD (or an orphanage survival skill) so I concur that it makes sense to consider his behaviours, however dangerous and inappropriate, a cry for attention. Do continue seeking professional help, teens is also a triggering time for other problems to first appear after latency, such as bi-polar disorder.

I wish you the best.