Contact after Termination of Rights

[tijerin]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? California - Jurisidiction and child in Texas

About 14 years ago, my girlfriend and I had a child. Making a long story short, she got pregnant and I voluntarily terminated my parental rights at her request. She was 10 years older than me and I guess I was too young for her after the fact.

Anyways, she's always opposed me having contact with my son and I've respected her wishes for 15 years.

Yesterday, I got an email from my son. Apparently, at some point, his mother found my MySpace page and showed it to him. (Kind of like adding kindling to a fire, if you ask me). He contacted me behind her back. I replied to him and we had a great back and forth. He said his mother won't talk to him about me but is open to him meeting/contacting me in the future. (a little late for that though)

After my initial excitement (Ive always wanted contact with him) and a few e-mails back and forth (how are you, tell me about yourself, etc - basic exchange of information), I realized that I should be the parent here. I emailed him and said that I needed to contact his mother and requested their phone number and address.

He says that she's pushed everyone out of her life and he doesn't care what she thinks and that he is going to email me even if she says no.

I told her that she's taken care of him for 15 years and he seems to have turned out allright and that she deserves to be included. Obviously, even if her intention was to not allow contact till he's 16 (which is what he says), it's a little late for that.

I would "like" permission from her to have contact with him. He obviously wants this too. He has had no father figure in his life ever. Just him and his mother. There was never any abusive or violent behavior on my part and Ive respected her wishes. My father wasnt around much when I was a kid so I can sympathize with him.

My question is this - I know I have no legal rights and my talking to him is just like a stranger talking to him in the eyes of the law. If she doesn't allow contact, what repercussions and/or consequences could I potentially expose myself to by continuing contact?

Is there a way to legally be allowed to contact him against her wishes? (ie. petition a court, etc)

It would break my heart to have to "ignore" this son who's reaching out to me simply because his mother wishes it. How cruel is that?

Anyways, I have been married for 12 years and have a 3 year old daughter. I have to consider what jeopardy I may be placing them in.

Any advice/help is appreciated.What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)?

 

[Ohiogal]

Your rights were terminated or you just don't have custody/visitation nor pay support? Was the child adopted?

here is the thing -- it is very possible for YOU to get in legal trouble if your rights were terminated. Mom could slap a restraining order against you if you are a truthful legal stranger. YOu could also be hit with contributing to delinquency.

 

[justalayman]

along O gals points;

were your rights actually terminated by the courts? or did you simply agree to terminate your rights?

 

[tijerin]

My rights were voluntarily terminated at her request. There was a court decree terminating my rights. I understand I'm a stranger in the eyes of the law. I can't control the child e-mailing me. I also truly believe that it would be more harmful to the child NOT to respond and make him feel unwanted after he reached out.

 

[tijerin]

Your rights were terminated or you just don't have custody/visitation nor pay support? Was the child adopted?

here is the thing -- it is very possible for YOU to get in legal trouble if your rights were terminated. Mom could slap a restraining order against you if you are a truthful legal stranger. YOu could also be hit with contributing to delinquency.

As for the restraining order part, she could very well do that. It's one thing to get a restraining order in Texas and another to try and get it enforced in California.

I'm not trying to be a bad guy here. I just feel that its wrong to ignore the child if she won't consent. I'm certainly going to try that approach first. I'm just trying to explore my options if that doesn't work. The way I look at it, I have 3 choices if she doesn't consent:

1. Continue communication anyways
2. Ignore the boy
3. Initiate legal action to try and get communication approved

From what the lawyer told me, the only real legal action that "could" do anything is that the boy would have to take legal action against his mother for the right to contact me. This, of course, would have to be funded by someone (ie. pay for the lawyer) but it's possible if that's what the boy wants.

Any thoughts?

 

[justalayman]

yes, they boy is 15. I the mother does not want you to have contact with her son, the child is old enough for somebody to explain to him that the reason for discontinuing contact is not his but his mothers and is due to her believing that it best for her son.

 

[LdiJ]

This situation is a bit unusual.

In general, courts don't allow termination of a parent's rights (absolutely) unless there is a stepparent willing to adopt the child and take over the legal responsibilities.

There are some exceptions to that in some states, and TX does happen to be one of the states that does allow that...so it is possible that your parental rights were truly terminated if TX was the state that handed the case.

Nevertheless, I can just about guarantee that you have enough knowledge from the child that you could find a way to track down mom and talk to her, even without the child's cooperation.

DO THAT.

 

[tijerin]

This situation is a bit unusual.

In general, courts don't allow termination of a parent's rights (absolutely) unless there is a stepparent willing to adopt the child and take over the legal responsibilities.

There are some exceptions to that in some states, and TX does happen to be one of the states that does allow that...so it is possible that your parental rights were truly terminated if TX was the state that handed the case.

Nevertheless, I can just about guarantee that you have enough knowledge from the child that you could find a way to track down mom and talk to her, even without the child's cooperation.

DO THAT.

Yes, it was in Texas and, yes, they were really terminated. I don't have enough information to contact his mother and he won't give it to me. According to him, his mother really doesn't like me and doesn't want me in her life. Anyways, I can't contact her without information. I think she's made herself intentionally hard to find. I think she feels like I'm holding some sort of grudge after 15 years or something. Anyways, still don't know what I can do.

Is it in the best interest of this 15 year old boy who reached out to his father to IGNORE HIM?

 

[Ohiogal]

Yes, it was in Texas and, yes, they were really terminated. I don't have enough information to contact his mother and he won't give it to me. According to him, his mother really doesn't like me and doesn't want me in her life. Anyways, I can't contact her without information. I think she's made herself intentionally hard to find. I think she feels like I'm holding some sort of grudge after 15 years or something. Anyways, still don't know what I can do.

Is it in the best interest of this 15 year old boy who reached out to his father to IGNORE HIM?

Sorry but you should be able to track down mom. Or you just say simply to child:

Until I can talk to your mother regarding our communication, I cannot talk to you. I do NOT want you getting in trouble.

 

[LdiJ]

Sorry but you should be able to track down mom. Or you just say simply to child:

Until I can talk to your mother regarding our communication, I cannot talk to you. I do NOT want you getting in trouble.

While I absolutely do agree that he needs to communicate with the mother, I don't think that he (bio-dad) can get in trouble if the communication is (what is the word I want to use here???) neutral/responsible/handled with care.

The child approached him, rather than it being the other way around. I think that if he makes it clear that legally he is not the child's father and therefore cannot do anything more than be his friend/penpal, and continually encourages the child to obey his mother, do well in school, be responsible and mature...AND continues to ask the child to give him contact information for the mother, that it may be ok not to completely cut the child off.

 

[Ohiogal]

While I absolutely do agree that he needs to communicate with the mother, I don't think that he (bio-dad) can get in trouble if the communication is (what is the word I want to use here???) neutral/responsible/handled with care.

The child approached him, rather than it being the other way around. I think that if he makes it clear that legally he is not the child's father and therefore cannot do anything more than be his friend/penpal, and continually encourages the child to obey his mother, do well in school, be responsible and mature...AND continues to ask the child to give him contact information for the mother, that it may be ok not to completely cut the child off.

I disagree. If mom doesn't want him in contact with HER child she has that right. She can prohibit it based on the fact that he is an adult and her child is not. And therefore if he knows that mom doesn't them to have contact -- which he apparently does based on his comments -- then he is encouraging the child to disobey mom. Which is contributing to the delinquency. Mom can get a restraining order against him.

Anyways, she's always opposed me having contact with my son and I've respected her wishes for 15 years.

OP if your rights are terminated this is NOT your son any longer. You need to continue to respect her wishes until the child is 18.

 

[xylene]

The bottom line is that a can of long buried worms has been opened and the poster needs to contact a family law attorney to give him guidance.

He has a family of his own to think about.

He may also want to contact a therapist / counselor to find an age apropriate way to discuss this with the 3 year old, should the boy be re-entering his life.

Also same is true for current wife - esp if this has been a secret.

 

[tijerin]

OP if your rights are terminated this is NOT your son any longer. You need to continue to respect her wishes until the child is 18.

According to the attorney I talked to yesterday, nothing changes the fact that I am his father. I am still his father. I just don't have parental rights.

Other than that, the only things I'm chatting with him about are basic "get to know you" stuff. I'm intentionally NOT talking about his mother or any of our past. He just wants to know who I am, what I'm like, etc.

Besides, it's really annoying to me because, despite the fact that I've WANTED to be in his life, I have respected her wishes and NOT contacted either of them. What was she thinking showing her 15 year old son her father's MySpace page. Did she think he WOULDN'T contact me eventually? I mean, gimme a break. That's like showing a hungry child where the cookies are and then telling him he can't have any.

 

[xylene]

According to the attorney I talked to yesterday, nothing changes the fact that I am his father. I am still his father. I just don't have parental rights.

Did you talk to a lawyer, or did you hire one to represent your interest?

Big difference.

What do you want to do?

Do you want to have and expand contact with your son?

If yes, then get your lawyer and if needed a Private Investigator to track down mom and explain the situation.

Move from there.

And you need to be cognizant of what this will do to your family.

Bluntly - does your wife know? If yes, how does she feel? If no, you need to realize that is is a big issue.

 

[LdiJ]

I disagree. If mom doesn't want him in contact with HER child she has that right. She can prohibit it based on the fact that he is an adult and her child is not. And therefore if he knows that mom doesn't them to have contact -- which he apparently does based on his comments -- then he is encouraging the child to disobey mom. Which is contributing to the delinquency. Mom can get a restraining order against him.


OP if your rights are terminated this is NOT your son any longer. You need to continue to respect her wishes until the child is 18.

Mom hasn't yet prohibited the contact because mom doesn't know about it. If its true that he knows that mom doesn't want him to have contact with the child, then I agree. If he is unsure as to whether or not mom would allow contact, then I think that very careful contact, while still attempting to get the child to give up mom's info, may not be dangerous.

I just hate to see the child completely cut off if there is a chance that mom would be ok with it.