Contempt during separation prior to divorce court.

[Mtnstyne2001]

What is the name of your state? SC

Trying to be short but complete here. Going on 2 years of being separated and $15,000 to the lawyer. Husband cheated on wife while she was pregnant, and then forced her out of the marital home prior to the birth of their second child. In SC there is a 1 year separation period to file for divorce and he wasn't leaving the home so the 8 month pregnant wife had to leave with no income and find a place to live in order to start the clock to file for divorce. 6 months later the father took the kids during his time of shared custody and refused to return custody with the mother until he was ordered to by a court. This required the mother to hire an attorney and file emergency custody proceedings which she had no funds to do. This is what the husband counted on but family stepped in and provided her with support. In the court order she gained primary custody along with child support and other stipulations such as custody arrangements, etc...but also a no paramour provision. This was approximately 12 months ago.

Recently evidence has been provided that the spouse living in the marital home is in fact cohabitating with the paramour and exposing the children during his time of custody. This evidence was gathered by family members through surveillance and is in the form of video and photographs. The father filed his taxes with an income of $135k for 2023 and the mother with primary custody made $5k in 2024 while living with family and taking care of the children full time and working a part time job. Having this evidence on hand now appears to be of no value as her lawyer has told her he requires an additional retainer of $2,100 if she wishes to pursue the contempt case on top of $15k additional to take it to trial now since the husband is not willing to settle on any of the divorce requests. He insists on full custody, the house, all marital assets and to continue to live with the paramour like a family unit and is not willing to settle on any of those topics.

My question is this: how can the spouse file the contempt charges herself and accomplish this phase of the proceedings without having to pay someone $350/hour when it's pretty clear that he is in contempt? It's disgusting that the only ones who will come out ahead in this situation are the 3 attorneys and probably the cheating husband who has all the money and the mother with a 1 y/o and 3 y/o have to beg to survive. She can't even afford her own medication at this point let alone a years worth of her pay to got to a lawyer that may or may not get any results. Any recommendations are welcome.

 

[Just Blue]

What is the name of your state? SC

Trying to be short but complete here. Going on 2 years of being separated and $15,000 to the lawyer. Husband cheated on wife while she was pregnant, and then forced her out of the marital home prior to the birth of their second child. In SC there is a 1 year separation period to file for divorce and he wasn't leaving the home so the 8 month pregnant wife had to leave with no income and find a place to live in order to start the clock to file for divorce. 6 months later the father took the kids during his time of shared custody and refused to return custody with the mother until he was ordered to by a court. This required the mother to hire an attorney and file emergency custody proceedings which she had no funds to do. This is what the husband counted on but family stepped in and provided her with support. In the court order she gained primary custody along with child support and other stipulations such as custody arrangements, etc...but also a no paramour provision. This was approximately 12 months ago.

Recently evidence has been provided that the spouse living in the marital home is in fact cohabitating with the paramour and exposing the children during his time of custody. This evidence was gathered by family members through surveillance and is in the form of video and photographs. The father filed his taxes with an income of $135k for 2023 and the mother with primary custody made $5k in 2024 while living with family and taking care of the children full time and working a part time job. Having this evidence on hand now appears to be of no value as her lawyer has told her he requires an additional retainer of $2,100 if she wishes to pursue the contempt case on top of $15k additional to take it to trial now since the husband is not willing to settle on any of the divorce requests. He insists on full custody, the house, all marital assets and to continue to live with the paramour like a family unit and is not willing to settle on any of those topics.

My question is this: how can the spouse file the contempt charges herself and accomplish this phase of the proceedings without having to pay someone $350/hour when it's pretty clear that he is in contempt? It's disgusting that the only ones who will come out ahead in this situation are the 3 attorneys and probably the cheating husband who has all the money and the mother with a 1 y/o and 3 y/o have to beg to survive. She can't even afford her own medication at this point let alone a years worth of her pay to got to a lawyer that may or may not get any results. Any recommendations are welcome.

Who are you in this situation?

 

[Mtnstyne2001]

Who are you in this situation?

Father of the wife involved. I am paying the lawyers fees and housing her and her children. I am also the one who has photos and videos of the paramour with the children and cohabitating at his house.

 

[Zigner]

Frankly, I'd work towards gathering that $2,100. Her attorney can ask the court to award attorney's fees if her husband is, in fact, found to be in contempt.

 

[LdiJ]

Father of the wife involved. I am paying the lawyers fees and housing her and her children. I am also the one who has photos and videos of the paramour with the children and cohabitating at his house.

It honestly might make more financial sense to concentrate available legal dollars on getting your daughter her fair share of the marital assets and primary custody of her children with proper child support.

These days, it can be difficult to get a judge to enforce a no paramour order, even in your area. Also, dad has a relatively simple solution to that problem, he can just marry the girlfriend (once the divorce is final) and then the problem goes away for him.

 

[Mtnstyne2001]

Frankly, I'd work towards gathering that $2,100. Her attorney can ask the court to award attorney's fees if her husband is, in fact, found to be in contempt.

Thanks for the advice, that is what her lawyer is suggesting as well, but he is careful to make sure to let her know that there are no guarantees and that that money may not be reimbursed. I have been providing her the financial support and will continue to do so but the costs to me and her mother are that basically our lives have stopped as well and the money for court will certainly be a strain on everyone except the father.

 

[Mtnstyne2001]

It honestly might make more financial sense to concentrate available legal dollars on getting your daughter her fair share of the marital assets and primary custody of her children with proper child support.

These days, it can be difficult to get a judge to enforce a no paramour order, even in your area. Also, dad has a relatively simple solution to that problem, he can just marry the girlfriend (once the divorce is final) and then the problem goes away for him.

Thanks for the advice. The fight for my daughter to get her fair share of the marital assets and primary custody (which she now has) and proper child support began in January 2023 in the legal system of SC. Prior to that she was trying to go it alone and that just wasn't working. That is an entirely different story of how he controlled her with money. The battle for what is fair is not going to be neglected. The enforcement of the paramour order should be expected since it was put in the emergency court order in January 2023. If there is no expectation of enforcement is should have been excluded. The point here is that my daughter has been following the court order and has put her personal life on hold for what will end up being more than 3 years while her husband continues to do as he wants with no repercussions.

It was suggested not only by my daughters lawyer but also the Guardian ad Litem that it would be worth it to her to hire a private investigator to gather the proof that everyone involved knew was true. Unfortunately for someone who has very little money the $3,500 initial cost of a PI is beyond her means. This is why I took it upon myself to provide the evidence. There are other witnesses with less quality picture evidence, but mine is rock solid. In today's day and age you have to have evidence that can't be disputed such as video and photography. A sworn affidavit means little in todays world.

The violation of the paramour provision in such a blatant disregard of the court order by allowing the paramour to live in what is still technically my daughters home and exposing the children to her is evidence to his character. The husband thinks because he makes a lot of money that he is above the law. He also believes that he should get to keep all the marital assets and have full custody of the kids. During mediation once the mediator (a retired family court judge) met with him and his lawyer, she returned to our daughters lawyer and said "I am not going to waste any more of your time and money today, this will have to go to court" and ended the mediation almost as soon as it began.

Our daughters lawyer implies that continuing to prove his contempt of law will help at the trial where a judge will have to decide how things will be divided up. Unfortunately that likely won't be until the end of 2025 as we have pretrial in February and scheduling of the court date estimated to be at least 6 months later.

We don't know if he will get married to this other women or not. She is not he first one he had a relationship with while they were married so it likely won't be the last and divorce can cause you to take pause of getting married again I would imagine. That being said, he is very motivated by how others see him. He absolutely has continued to pretend to be a perfect family of 4 living in the fancy subdivision on the cul-de-sac like a Hallmark Movie. I expect both divorcing parties to have the paramour provision removed in the final divorce declaration. It is an archaic idea that would not allow her to have any type of relationship going forward for the next 17 years if she maintains full custody.

 

[adjusterjack]

I have to agree with LdiJ that the asset division and child support should be the primary goal and the paramour thing secondary.

Contempt involves first asking the judge to issue an order to show cause why he shouldn't be held in contempt. Then there is likely to be a hearing on that issue where he explains why he shouldn't be held in contempt. If the judge doesn't accept the explanation he can order him to remove the paramour from the house. Which doesn't prevent him from seeing her or exposing the kids to her. Meantime you have wasted money and months without any resolution at all and will have to start the contempt thing all over again.

The chance that he'll get anything more than a slap on the wrist is slim.

 

[Mtnstyne2001]

I have to agree with LdiJ that the asset division and child support should be the primary goal and the paramour thing secondary.

Again to be clear, the asset division, custody, and child support are indeed the primary goal, there is no wavering from this position. It is the focus. The original question was if it was advisable to attempt to do this on our own or pay the lawyer another house payment.
The paramour thing is secondary, but this not a question of if it should be pursued but of how to best pursue it. It is is intended to inflict damage to his character which will be leveraged to obtain the primary goals of asset division, custody, and child support.

If the judge doesn't accept the explanation he can order him to remove the paramour from the house. Which doesn't prevent him from seeing her or exposing the kids to her. Meantime you have wasted money and months without any resolution at all and will have to start the contempt thing all over again.

I see this differently. First of all he is allowed to see her anytime he doesn't have the kids. No issues with that. Like you said though, even if he is found in contempt and ordered to remove her from the home it doesn't prevent him continuing to expose her to the kids. This might be what is the norm today...doing whatever you like against court orders and not expecting repercussions, but I am not the norm. If he continues this action I will continue to gather evidence and we will file more contempt charges.

The contempt filing is separate from the already in progress divorce proceedings. They are already on a set timeline and this will not alter that timeline so no time will be wasted by anyone other than me investigating and testifying in court, and I have all the time in the world. It's also my money so I have done an internal cost benefit analysis and find the costs to be worth it. I didn't find the cost of PI worth it so I took that upon myself. There is not an option of not pursuing this, the only options are how best to pursue things. There's a lot of quit in the younger generation...I am not from that generation.

The chance that he'll get anything more than a slap on the wrist is slim.

Unfortunately you stated the case exactly as I see it as well. The difference is that I don't care if it's just a "slap on the wrist", he does need that slap. If someone wrongs me or my family there will be consequences, even if it costs me more in the long run to exact those consequences. I don't subscribe to the theory that just because it's difficult to prove or accomplish that it shouldn't be done. I spent 23 years in the army and expect there to be repercussions for actions and I conducted my fair share of investigating and arbitrated improprieties in my capacity as an army officer and commander. Even if the judge were to throw it out the cost is worth it to me to pursue because it will let him know he is being held accountable, and it will cost him financially. It's not about about the money. I would go sell plasma and collect aluminum cans and recycle them if I had to in order to pursue what I think is right. Fortunately I do have money, but I try to be the best steward of that money to do use the best way possible for my family.

Thanks for your input, it helps me see this situation through the eyes of others which is can be difficult to understand. Hopefully I was able to share my perspective.

 

[stealth2]

This is why I took it upon myself to provide the evidence. There are other witnesses with less quality picture evidence, but mine is rock solid.

What evidence do you have? Has her lawyer indicated that it would be admissible?

If someone wrongs me or my family there will be consequences, even if it costs me more in the long run to exact those consequences. I don't subscribe to the theory that just because it's difficult to prove or accomplish that it shouldn't be done.

Some non-legal input...

Your daughter (not you) should think long and hard if this is a hill she considers worth dying on. Given she has an infant, she will have a minimum of 18 years during which she will likely have to weigh the wisdom of certain responses wrt her ex.

I went through an extremely non-amicable divorce. We did not have a no-paramour clause, and our kids were exposed to several g/f's before, during, and after. Honestly? I wasn't going to expend energy on that over first getting primary custody and later being the best Mom I could be. My parents also helped me financially, and they were far from my ex's fans. But... I would have been less than pleased (to put it mildly) if my Dad inserted himself into my divorce beyond helping with legal fees or providing emotional support.

I understand wanting to be the hero as her parent (believe me, I do), but I personally think it's important to allow your adult daughter to make these decisions and take these stands (or not) for herself. She needs to see for herself how strong she is, rather than fall back on Mommy & Daddy doing so. Advise her when she asks, offer her a shoulder as needed, help her financially ... But also help her be strong enough to survive on her own. Because... hate to tell you... she eventually will.

 

[Just Blue]

What evidence do you have? Has her lawyer indicated that it would be admissible?

Some non-legal input...

Your daughter (not you) should think long and hard if this is a hill she considers worth dying on. Given she has an infant, she will have a minimum of 18 years during which she will likely have to weigh the wisdom of certain responses wrt her ex.

I went through an extremely non-amicable divorce. We did not have a no-paramour clause, and our kids were exposed to several g/f's before, during, and after. Honestly? I wasn't going to expend energy on that over first getting primary custody and later being the best Mom I could be. My parents also helped me financially, and they were far from my ex's fans. But... I would have been less than pleased (to put it mildly) if my Dad inserted himself into my divorce beyond helping with legal fees or providing emotional support.

I understand wanting to be the hero as her parent (believe me, I do), but I personally think it's important to allow your adult daughter to make these decisions and take these stands (or not) for herself. She needs to see for herself how strong she is, rather than fall back on Mommy & Daddy doing so. Advise her when she asks, offer her a shoulder as needed, help her financially ... But also help her be strong enough to survive on her own. Because... hate to tell you... she eventually will.

Wonderful advice, Stealth!

 

[Mtnstyne2001]

Again, thanks for responding, it is good to hear from someone who has gone through this. I have put a lot of thought into exactly what you are saying. I will try not to be long winded in my response.

What evidence do you have? Has her lawyer indicated that it would be admissible?

We have several high definition photographs and video over the span of a couple days when he had custody. Although nothing is guaranteed the lawyer give it 85% chance of prevailing in court with the evidence. He said it would be 95% if the same exact evidence was provided by a neutral party rather than me, but the evidence is definitive.

Some non-legal input...

Your daughter (not you) should think long and hard if this is a hill she considers worth dying on. Given she has an infant, she will have a minimum of 18 years during which she will likely have to weigh the wisdom of certain responses wrt her ex.

I cautioned her on the same thing. My concern is what retribution he will come up with from this. She all but had the private investigator hired and was going to put it on a credit card. She asked me my thoughts which I will share now. My thoughts were that she was going to pay a PI $3,500 to possibly get evidence and possibly not. This was going to take at least one month per the PI. Then she was going to present it to her lawyer who would do exactly what he is going to do now once another separate retainer is provided of another couple thousand dollars. My concern was that she was going to spend all this money and the results wouldn't have any impact on the final outcome of the divorce. I convinced her to let me do the PI work and then present it to her attorney which is what we did. I still had my doubts about if his fees were worth the expected results from this action. The only known results are that he will be pissed, but he is not a reasonable person anyway so there isn't really any further damage he can do. She has thought hard about it and this is what SHE wants to do, I am not pushing her into anything that she doesn't decide on her own.

I went through an extremely non-amicable divorce. We did not have a no-paramour clause, and our kids were exposed to several g/f's before, during, and after. Honestly? I wasn't going to expend energy on that over first getting primary custody and later being the best Mom I could be. My parents also helped me financially, and they were far from my ex's fans. But... I would have been less than pleased (to put it mildly) if my Dad inserted himself into my divorce beyond helping with legal fees or providing emotional support.

I understand wanting to be the hero as her parent (believe me, I do), but I personally think it's important to allow your adult daughter to make these decisions and take these stands (or not) for herself. She needs to see for herself how strong she is, rather than fall back on Mommy & Daddy doing so. Advise her when she asks, offer her a shoulder as needed, help her financially ... But also help her be strong enough to survive on her own. Because... hate to tell you... she eventually will.

We are working on her becoming strong and she is doing well, she will be fine someday, but she is beaten down now. I wish there was a way to communicate how much he emotionally abused her and manipulated her but there really isn't any way to do it. She is finally getting past that. She has asked for my help, I am careful not to do anything outside my lane. The decisions she makes as far as the finances and custody are hers to make.

I will try to explain his character. He has been fired from 2 jobs, both times for placing expensive items in boxes of lesser expensive items and then purchasing them. Both times he accused the person checking him out that it was their faults, it is never his fault. One time he ordered a hard drive on Amazon, switched out the bad one, and then returned it for the full amount. This I witnessed because he did it while at my home for the holidays one year. He trespasses in abandoned business to try and find cool items to steal and bring home as trophies.

My daughter was not allowed to spend any money without his consent. Her place was in the home while he attended over 40 sporting events during the 2023 calendar year. Most of these events cost money, hotels, and travel expenses and kept him out of the house an extended period of time. My daughter caught him cheating (the second time) while she was 5 or 6 months pregnant and confronted him. She was raising the infant child at the time and had not returned to working yet. He suggested they just have an open marriage. When she didn't like that idea he then said he would allow her to live in his house (it is both their house) and be the nanny and he would pay for her food and provide a living space. When that wasn't going to work he rented her a falling down place near where his mom lives in a neighboring city and told her she had to live there and when she needed something he would buy it and bring it to her, including food, diapers, etc...this move was to start the clock for the 12 month separation required in SC to file for divorce. She lived there until having the second child. While in the hospital the husband had to leave his hours old child and take care of his girlfriend who was having a mental breakdown. This was during covid so once he left the hospital he knew he could not reenter. He would show up at her home and just walk in whenever he wanted and hang out as long as he wanted. He said, my name is on the lease I can come and go as I please. When she finally had enough of living like this she moved in with us. They had an agreed upon custody between them that worked for about 3 months where it was an even split. The day before Thanksgiving 2023 when he was supposed to return the children to her he told that he wasn't letting her see them again until a judge told him to and that she doesn't have the money to make that happen. Up until this point she did not want to get a lawyer and thought they would just figure it out together. She was destroyed and we hired a lawyer the next day to file the emergency custody hearing. That occurred a few weeks later and she finally got her kids back after well over a month. During the hearing he accused her of being on drugs which backfired for him. The court ordered them both to take drug tests and that he pay for them. She had a hair test done immediately following court that day.

He has constantly told her that she will not get any custody because he makes all the money. That she is not entitled to any of the homes value because again...he makes all the money. He is smart, he is manipulative, he is emotionally abusive, and he is a narcissist. He lies, cheats, and steals because he is the smartest man in the room and rules are made to be broken. All that being said it's very important for him to be seen as father of the year and he constantly updates his TikToc, Instagram, FB, etc...to make sure he gets recognition for all his accomplishments.

Yes I am biased. Yes I am driven. But I am not trying to influence her decisions. At the same time if she wants to take an action and I can help...I sure as heck will. Where I am from family takes care of family. That is something he can never understand because he has never experienced it.

I tried to be short...just never seems to work.

 

[AlmostThere]

I have to agree with LdiJ that the asset division and child support should be the primary goal and the paramour thing secondary.

Contempt involves first asking the judge to issue an order to show cause why he shouldn't be held in contempt. Then there is likely to be a hearing on that issue where he explains why he shouldn't be held in contempt. If the judge doesn't accept the explanation he can order him to remove the paramour from the house. Which doesn't prevent him from seeing her or exposing the kids to her. Meantime you have wasted money and months without any resolution at all and will have to start the contempt thing all over again.

The chance that he'll get anything more than a slap on the wrist is slim.

A divorcee who was cheated on here. Let the paramour thing go. Your daughter's best chance at long-term happiness is to have her ex be happy and not focus his time and energy on making her miserable.

 

[Mtnstyne2001]

A divorcee who was cheated on here. Let the paramour thing go. Your daughter's best chance at long-term happiness is to have her ex be happy and not focus his time and energy on making her miserable.

So what you are saying is that she should ignore the advice from her lawyer who says this will help in her custody battle just to make him happy in case he tries to make her miserable? Is that really something you would risk, giving up some of your parental rights to avoid conflict?

 

[Zigner]

So what you are saying is that she should ignore the advice from her lawyer who says this will help in her custody battle just to make him happy in case he tries to make her miserable? Is that really something you would risk, giving up some of your parental rights to avoid conflict?

What rights would she be losing by not caring who he shacks up with and realizing that a no-paramour order likely won't survive past the dissolution of the marriage?